Heart of Tantric Sex (19 page)

It may be that you need time to talk, to share the events of the day or any unclear feelings which you are experiencing. Clear and share these before you begin to make love, because unspoken anxieties and concerns will distract you from the present moment with your lover. Unexpressed feelings in particular act as a subtle screen between you and your lover, preventing deeper energetic intimacy. The mind fights hard to rationalize itself out of sharing feelings, but sexual energy responds to honesty. Many couples have found that psychological openness leads to increased physical ecstasy. Tantra reminds us to make love only when in a loving and sharing mood, suggesting that if you are feeling in the least argumentative, don't be in a hurry to use sex to bring you together. It is better to relax together and massage each other, getting clear and cool and creating the intimacy again as you come down to earth. Then make love much, much later.

When you make a date to make love it gives you a chance to experiment with the Love Keys, and you now have a variety of suggestions to try out. Whatever you remember is what is best for you to use as you start experimenting. And whatever works for you is a key for you. It may not be a suggestion included here but if it helps you to be more present, it is your key. You can have many keys which you use simultaneously—breathing, eye contact, consciousness of the positive pole, while relaxing the feet. There are an infinite number of keys to help shift the consciousness inward, and as you become more sensitive the keys become more subtle.

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ARMING UP TO LOVEMAKING is essential so that our energies can awaken and slowly attune to each other. It gives time for a natural attraction to arise, and this makes all the difference. It is good for both men and women, but especially women. Since women represent the negative polarity, they need and appreciate the time prior to penetration to be fully available for love. And it must be a loving and gentle play, not a serious business with goals in mind as if following a mechanical manual.

In a fresh approach to making love, the most significant thing about foreplay is that it should not produce too much excitement. Don't make your partner too excited, even though it may be tempting at times. This makes it difficult to move into a relaxing sexual experience. When desire or lust is provoked through sexual stimulation, the energy moves toward release. As a result, staying conscious in and aware of the present moment will be difficult. In the Tantric approach to foreplay, it is the attitude of the mind that is most important. How you do it, not what you do, is the point. If you wish to make your partner hot and horny this requires a particular attitude and approach, a certain intention. How and where you touch will make all the difference. However, a man who really takes the time to gently awaken the body of a woman through a slow, sensual approach will feel the inviting environment once penetration occurs.

Rediscovering erogenous zones

Nature gave us erogenous zones that function naturally to produce sexual interest and excitation. Excitation can be felt as the buzzing of life energy itself and this is not to be confused with excitement. These erogenous zones assist us in accessing our life energy, and they function as bridges to the present moment. However, through our lack of understanding in sex we overuse or abuse our erogenous zones, and they gradually become desensitized. This may show up as a lack of sensitivity where we withdraw physically and close down to the other and thus ourselves, or it may reflect as hypersensitivity, where we become unbearably sensitive, almost repelled by touch. The body can also feel leaden, numb, and dead.

For example, a woman's nipples can become either dull and unresponsive or extremely sensitive to touch, almost painful. The tendency to either reaction is to immediately push the other person away. The same thing can happen to the clitoris, especially if used habitually to achieve orgasm. An insensitive touch can also have a repelling effect and will cause a woman to withdraw sexually at the very moment that her partner is trying to reach her.

In Tantra we learn that the breasts and nipples are a woman's positive pole, the gateway to her sexual expression, and she can be brought to the depths and heights of orgasm through her breasts. The breasts are the route to her feminine sexual energy. So it becomes meaningful for a woman to have sensitivity in her breasts, and to be able to welcome and receive attention there. She must not react to the touch but respond and open up to it, so a man must take care how he touches her.

A useful guideline is to see if the approach contracts or expands your body energy, noticing whether it leads to more excitement and tension, or more inner sensitivity and expansion. It is beautiful and natural for a woman to touch the penis, but usually when she does so she wants it to be erect immediately so penetration and orgasm can happen. The classic way to get an erection going is to use friction by moving the hand backward and forward. With this kind of stimulation, the man will feel excited, restless, and desirous of moving once he is inside the woman, making it more difficult for him to penetrate slowly and consciously. With masturbation-like movements, the penis feels an unspoken pressure and demand for an erection, sometimes making it more difficult for him to achieve. This type of erection, which relies on stimulation, can be temperamental, fragile, and easy to lose, so once the man is inside the woman he will then have to continuously maintain and build up the level of sexual excitement in order to remain erect. In this way sex can become frenzied and overexciting, leading to quick ejaculation.

When the penis is fondled and caressed unhurriedly without the intention to get an erection, where the touch is loving and not demanding, this can be a beautiful experience, a wonderful sharing of energy. When the woman simply touches the penis with loving presence, when she massages, squeezes, pulls the foreskin folds back, the penis will absorb the love, feel the interest, and respond accordingly. The erection will be a side-effect of the love, with a different quality than that experienced when erection arises from a mental or physical pressure. The intention here is to love and adore the penis for its wonderful qualities, a healing, loving power tool. The penis itself recognizes the difference in the woman's attitude and feels empowered.

Relax to expand energy and extend your lovemaking

Playing with excitement is a natural phenomenon, a delightful energy, but use the excitation just enough to warm you up and light the fire and then relax into the joy of it. Tantric sex and conventional sex are similar in the beginning, when some life and a flame of attraction is needed. But here the similarity ends because Tantra stays with the beginning. It can be prolonged for hours if you wish. In conventional sex, where excitement is built up, the fire that we started will soon become dying coals. The wind rushes through and burns the fire so rapidly that for many people sex lasts only a few minutes. Tantra discourages action that fans the fire, causing it to burn too quickly. Instead we stay within the flames of the initial attraction, fanning them with awareness and presence. The fire will gradually engulf the whole body, keeping it glowing and radiant for hours. You feel as if you are floating beneath excitement, keeping yourself alert to the needs of each moment. If a little excitement is needed to maintain the erection, stimulate yourself in some way, perhaps by moving, but only for a few moments. Then relax again, staying cool and extending the lovemaking so that the energy flows fully, bringing deep satisfaction. When couples are able to achieve this kind of sexual union, they find themselves more loving with each other and cooperation is a natural outcome in their daily lives.

Become aware of your partner's response as you touch and caress. Avoid going places that make your lover too excited, or try touching the same place but in a different way. Because the vagina and clitoris have long since and mistakenly been the center of stimulating attention during foreplay, it is better to do something soft and acknowledging rather than vigorous. The clitoris for example, when touched with rapid movements, creates a great deal of excitement. Try gently resting your fingers on it, doing nothing, just touching. If you move your finger do it slowly. Or try placing the whole hand over the pubic bone, cupping it very lightly, and hold it there for several minutes without doing anything active. Send energy and love through your hand. Softly touching, pulling, and playing with the pubic hair can be a nice turn-on, or a gentle tapping on the pubic bone feels great. In general, soft, considerate touch expands the body energy and makes you more sensitive—it is an instant turn-on, while pressured or rough, demanding touch causes the body to shrink and contract and harden in defense, making it less receptive.

Oral sex in foreplay

By now you may be asking yourself about the wonders of oral sex in foreplay. Many people have come to rely on it as an integral part of the sexual act, but because the interaction of penis in vagina alone does not satisfy deeply its ecstatic potential is unknown. However, oral stimulation of the penis and clitoris produces a great deal of excitement and reduces the consciousness of the genitals. Both men and women have found that oral sex desensitizes the penis and vagina, and ruins the profound effects of simple conscious penetration. And now with our information about polarity, positive and negative, we can see that there is virtually no bio-electric alignment between mouths and genitals. While oral sex may be exciting, the deeper energies are not awakened, and once the ecstatic magnetic function of the penis and vagina are tasted, oral sex can eventually cease to be of interest, or enjoyed occasionally just for fun.

For women, the question of lubrication arises in the context of foreplay. Usually lubrication is achieved through stimulation of some kind but because we are avoiding this, it is better to use a lubricant or saliva. Apply a little at the entrance of the vagina, then some on the penis itself. Spreading it on in a slow and sensual way from the head down to the root can be fun, making it part of foreplay, so don't be embarrassed to suggest it. Men are more than willing to use it, as it helps them to slide effortlessly into the woman, and they thoroughly enjoy the application of it! Remember to spread it on in a way that brings life, not hunger, to the penis. The idea is to lubricate, not agitate.

A woman is likely to find after making love in a relaxed way her vagina will lubricate itself more easily. As the vagina and surrounding tissues relax and become more sensitive and responsive, less stimulation is required. A relaxed vagina is smooth and moist in general, so only a small amount of lubricant is needed here and on the head of the penis to facilitate penetration.

Touching breasts and chest

Most women long for their breasts to be touched and loved because it unites their upper and lower parts bringing a deep sexual fulfillment. Caressing the breasts overflows warmth and aliveness into the vagina. But in contrast, when the breasts are strongly squeezed or sucked and over stimulated, this can have the effect of rapidly agitating or exciting a woman, urging her to achieve orgasm. This can have the tendency to flip her over the edge, from feeling to frenzy in a few seconds flat! The response of the nipples in this case is not a true one, but rather a conditioned reaction that gives birth to tension, lust, and sexual expectation. The authentic response of the breasts and nipples has the effect of expanding the body energy, softening of the heart, and showering an overflow of warm life into the vagina. It is nothing to do with getting something; it helps you to be increasingly here, more passionate, more present.

Tell your lover how to touch your breasts and nipples and this will help you both enormously. A woman should encourage her partner to touch her breasts in a way that she is able to receive and absorb his touch. The greater the depth of feeling in her breasts, the more open her heart, and the deeper the sexual energy responds. A woman ought not rely entirely on her partner to awaken her positive pole, and it is highly recommended that she begins to cultivate awareness in the breasts from within herself. During lovemaking and at other times, she is encouraged to "hold" her breasts in the forefront of her awareness (both nipples simultaneously), filling them with energy, melting into them so as to activate her own body electricity. And while making love, a woman can touch her own breasts to nourish this awareness.