Heart of Tantric Sex (23 page)

Conversely, women really like their man to ejaculate even if they themselves do not manage to come. I have heard them say that they feel cheated if the man does not ejaculate, feeling that he is holding something back from them. Or, most common, they use it to finish off the sex act, since every woman knows exactly how to make her man ejaculate. This attitude reflects the woman's desire to control her man, to encourage him to lose his life-giving semen, and thereby his authority. It is her conditioning to try to run the show in her ignorance of her divine feminine power. The truth is with the man becoming less identified with ejaculation, with it becoming less important to him, then the woman has a long-awaited opportunity to begin to make love with feminine receptivity and within her polarity. She is by nature relaxed and graceful, and she discovers a new sexual world far more pleasurable than that of hunting an orgasm. When she is authentic, she becomes orgasmic and glowing, the source of love. This can change her life and the life of her partner too.

Naturally, the desire to ejaculate will come and go while you make love, but a desire is different from an overwhelming urge. Desire is still an idea in the mind, and the urge is a need of the body. If you are in that twilight zone where you are unable to relax during lovemaking because of a powerful or persistent urge to ejaculate,
please
allow it to happen. Ejaculate and remain present in your ejaculation. Enjoy it, feeling every moment. Tantra suggests that when a man is struggling with himself, trying to keep his urges under control, it is healthier to ejaculate, because fighting it will also cause a double tension. This tension is likely to persist as restlessness after making love and will appear again next time, creating a cycle of tension. Tantra encourages relaxation in both mind and body, so if the man must ejaculate, it is best to just do it. Then he will soon be able to start anew.

As a man develops a new way of sensing his penis, at times he is likely to experience intense, unadulterated pleasure especially during deep, sustained penetration. As the vaginal walls are being awakened with love and consciousness, the intensity of the experience is so overwhelming that it almost reminds him of excitement and the temptation to move with it and go for it will arise. However, men have found that if they really feel into the penis, beneath this veneer of excitement the sensations are of a distinctly different quality, the source of tremendous satisfaction as the male positive energy starts to move through the woman for the first time. So when the temptations of ejaculation appear it is often well worth it to remain relaxed and keep it to a non-ejaculation.

How do you feel afterward?

As you begin to experiment with and without orgasm and ejaculation, be guided by how you feel in the minutes and hours afterward. As I began to experiment with orgasm and my lover's ejaculation, sometimes going for it, sometimes not, I began to observe how I felt afterward and not during, but later, even much later. This provided valuable information, and I discovered that I experienced greater well-being when I had not forced an orgasm, when apparently nothing had happened. For men too, these questions are a valuable guideline: "How do you feel when you do?" and "How do you feel when you don't?" Your experience will give you all the answers. It is your most significant teacher.

PREMATURE EJACULATION is normally defined as ejaculation prior to mutual satisfaction. This can be as simple as immediate ejaculation upon penetration or unexpected, uncontrollable ejaculation. It could be ten, fifteen, even twenty minutes—the exact time period differs for everyone. It ends the sex act, finished or not. There is inadequate time for sexual maturity, in a way. Countless men suffer in unspeakable isolation the anguish of premature ejaculation, and yet it is an extremely common phenomenon. It is important for men to realize that it is more of a psychological problem. The repressions of sex, the tensions surrounding it, the lack of information, are the underlying problems here, not the body itself. These tensions and anxieties affect the mind of a man creating a substantial amount of presexual excitement. When the situation finally presents itself, the internal stresses, pressures, and anxieties are so great, the sexual excitement so overwhelming, that the man ejaculates uncontrollably.

To understand when and how this happens, think for a moment about the basic concept of polarity. The positive energy of the man flows out of the penis and is received by the woman into the vagina, the negative pole. Because the woman has been relying on movement and clitoral stimulation for her sexual experience, a disturbance has built up in her vagina making it expectant and demanding. Remember too, there are the tensions from our collective past that lie hidden from consciousness. When we add excitement and titillation during foreplay, the disturbance reflects as tension and tightness in the vaginal walls, creating a kind of craving, a hunger. Sometimes this can become so intense it is actually painful, and the whole area feels like it is getting narrow and contracted. And so when penetration occurs, the woman is not receptive but also full up, almost defensive, and the circuit for the energy flow is interrupted.

Understanding sexual excitement The man (naturally a positive charge), with his own social tensions and excitement, and now overly positive, enters the disturbed vaginal environment of the woman. Here he meets unexpectedly another excited or disturbed charge. Now the energy of the male has nowhere to go, no way of flowing into the vagina. It has to go somewhere, so it meets the resistance, and explodes overflowing into ejaculation prematurely.

It is essential to understand how the woman contributes to premature ejaculation too, either inadvertently or consciously. At any time during intercourse a sexual image or intense stimulation can trigger this excitable charge to move in the woman, causing the energy to rush down in a wave of excitement, resulting in the man's sudden and unexpected ejaculation, as though almost pulled from him. Or intentionally, a woman is capable of creating enough sexual tension in her vagina at any time to forcefully have sex completed. Of course there are repercussions, as this kind of action severs the potential thread to her femininity.

As the man penetrates the woman, the state of the vagina gives the penis immediate information on how to behave. If the vagina is excited, it will be tight and defensive, making the man restless and tense and more likely to come. If it is relaxed and calm, silky and embracing, the penis responds to this invitation with a thrilling life force, positive flowing into negative. The importance of understanding sexual excitement cannot be over-emphasized. Once you begin to develop the capacity to identify it as and when it appears, then you are no longer held in its unconscious grip. Instead you can play with it in order to best suit your needs, and shed some light and understanding where there has previously been compulsion or confusion.

The main guideline to avoid premature ejaculation is straightforward. Men and women should not build up a great deal of excitement before making love. Starting with soft penetration is also advised. When two people remove the internal pressures and expectations of sex, fear is reduced and so too, is the tension. It also helps to make a date to make love, because it reduces one major source of anxiety for the man knowing he
will
make love. There is less apprehension or uncertainty when he knows that he need not persuade the woman. It is precisely these kinds of tensions, fears, and preoccupations that contribute to over-excitement and the event of premature ejaculation. Where there is no persuasion, when we don't have to tempt and turn each other on, we can enter lovemaking consciously, in a more relaxed frame of mind, and gradually our disturbing patterns of the past dissolve. Where there is no anxiety, gradually the lovemaking can be extended to last for hours.

Stay relaxed and speak to each other As suggested during a fresh look at foreplay, you both need to stay as relaxed as possible, focusing on simple contact, sensuality, and touch. Touch the breasts and genitals in a way that acknowledges them and warmly says hello, rather than stimulating them. Awaken rather than excite, and from this relaxed state sexual arousal will emerge naturally and beautifully. As soon as sexual response occurs, penetrate. Tell her you are erect. Ask the woman if she is ready. As soon as you are ready, tell the man you want him inside you now. It helps so much to cooperate in this way, instead of each person doing his or her own guesswork. Don't wait until you are both really excited; it's better to penetrate well before that. Through this lack of excitement the genitals remain cool and ejaculation is less likely. Penetrate as soon as it is appropriate so that you avoid remaining in the pre-stages of lovemaking for too long. And make the first penetration as slow as possible, having eye contact with each other so as to keep you present. For a man it is advised to keep his awareness on and in his penis, and not to think about where he is putting it. When he thinks about the vagina, he is flooded with all his mental associations with sex, his sexual fantasies, which again encourage ejaculation.

Some men notice that they ejaculate quite easily with one woman, and yet with someone else they maintain an erection for a long time without ejaculation. This is confusing, and many men will have wondered why. More often than not it has to do with the woman herself, and not the man. It depends a great deal on the environment in which the penis finds itself. If a woman is relaxed and disinterested in excitement or orgasm, the vagina is serene, warm, and calm, and lovemaking can be prolonged for hours. When a woman tends toward excitability, premature ejaculation is highly possible.

As you can see, women contribute enormously to a man's tendency to ejaculate prematurely, so it is really worthwhile if you don't make your man too excited. Then a man is a more potent lover, and a woman is fully satisfied. So much more is to be gained if we try relaxing into the sexual energy instead of activating it. Unfortunately, the woman's conditioning has taught her that moving and stimulating the clitoris, getting agitated and active, and hunting for an orgasm is what lovemaking is all about. She thinks that this is what the man is looking for, too. The thought of relaxing into the more feminine, receptive dimension of sexual experience seems to contradict her ideas of enjoyment. But when we learn to cool down in sex, and so enable the man to be cool too, the doorway to ecstasy begins to ease open.

In order to create the possibility of longer-lasting sexual union, allow the man inside your vagina as soon as possible so his anticipation does not build up. When you feel mentally and physically prepared for penetration, invite it. Communicate. Ask him to penetrate you. Let the first penetration be especially slow, and once he is inside, keep relaxing the vaginal muscles imagining them to be soft and welcoming. Don't move unnecessarily. Be more physically passive and receptive (this does not mean dead or laidback, but less outgoing, and more physically present, responsive rather than demonstrative) and let the focus be within your body and what is happening there—the whole glorious phenomenon of it. This inward glance is worth far more than the effects of repeated pelvic movements, and it will surprise you. When your consciousness enters the atmosphere, relaxation and sensuality flood through your bodies. Take your time, don't force anything, don't hurry, don't try to inflame the energy. Just turn on enough, penetrate and be penetrated, and then stay with this initial attraction, keeping yourself in the present, rooting yourself in the body, using any of the Love Keys.