Heart of Tantric Sex (10 page)

 L 
OVERS OFTEN COME TO SEE ME in distress, not necessarily because the sex is difficult, but because communication is a disaster. They are suffering from so many misunderstandings and arguments. Events from the past, old arguments and issues, continually disturb the precious present moment. They tell me that they haven't made love for days or weeks because they have been busy blaming each other, trying to determine who is right and who is wrong, who is controlling whom, and they have ended up in an exhausted delirium. Ultimately they fall asleep in each other's arms, grateful for a respite before they wake up and begin again.

How to express your feelings

The truth is that some people are naturally good at saying what they feel when they feel it. Others are not even sure what they feel, let alone when they are feeling it, and they can't seem to share their most obscure inner feelings. When emotions are high, words may seem inadequate if they form at all. Whether or not a person is skilled at communicating, most people agree that sharing and being straightforward is a delicate matter. It may involve saying something that seems against the person you love, that a certain caress did not feel good, or wasn't the right thing at that particular moment. The question is, how do we communicate this information without hurting our lover's feelings, without appearing to criticize or to control? This can easily happen because we are all basically insecure in sex. The defenses of the ego can quickly come between you, creating separation and arguments rather than love.

It is essential to be honest and truthful. You will find the truth has a liberating effect on your own energy, and you become flooded with vitality. Be aware to select your words carefully so as to communicate with rather than offend your partner. A good way to start is by saying the words: "I feel..." and keep talking about yourself. Avoid talking about them and what they did. If the result of your lover's touch is a withdrawal in your body, it is often your cumulative past painful experiences related to sex to which you are reacting, and it has not
only
to do with your present partner. Well, in a small way perhaps, but often the overload from the past is causing the reaction. It is probably not the first time it has happened. So you have to be acutely conscious of this as you speak, making sure you are not getting revenge for all the people who ever handled you badly
(see
chapters 22 and 23). For instance, many times I tried to please a man by engaging in a particular foreplay technique which I knew closed down my sexual energy rather than expanding it, but it never paid off. Whenever I tried to work against the truth of my body, I ended up feeling undernourished or loveless. Or I made love with less consciousness than I desired, producing the same undernourished result. It would be easy to blame my lover for not satisfying me, not doing the right thing, while the root cause was my lack of honesty and integrity, my fear of communicating the truth about what I really liked. He was not to blame for my unhappiness—I was!

Communication is a powerful key while making love. Through speaking about what is happening to you
as you make love
you begin to root yourself firmly in your body and this sexual experience, by bringing inner body sensations into the foreground. We are contacting reality through the body, and thereby creating the present moment. Communication supports a shift from mind to body, from thinking to feeling, from doing to being. Through the focus on reality within the body, its differing feelings and sensations, we are able to shift away from the restless mind, its thoughts and emotions. Many of us are so caught up in thinking that we have very little awareness of or within the body, so communication is essential. Share with your partner what you feel
in your body,
where your feel it, and when you feel it. If you do so, you will find yourself becoming miraculously alive, sensitive, and present.

Sharing your present moment

Unfortunately, people rarely speak to each other sincerely about their present moment, especially when making love. It would solve many problems if we did. Indeed some couples come to realize that they never talk like this with each other in daily life, let alone in love. They begin to notice they are always drifting between planning, some distant memory, vague future wishes. When I started to communicate about the present while making love I found it difficult to
speak out loud,
and was extremely resistant at first, but I soon discovered that the resistance was my fear of looking inside myself. I was afraid of being vulnerable, of his judgments of me. I was also afraid to express my joy, afraid of saying how thrilled I was by this privilege, our delicious body smells, the beauty glistening in his eyes, the supple smooth silky skin, the love I could feel emanating from his penis. The more I practiced, as with most things, the easier it became. It was a relief to speak freely. As I shared my truth with my lover a great deal of energy was freed up and my body became more vital. I gained information about our genitals, our bodies, our sensitivities and pleasures, pains, and insecurities. Sharing what is happening as it happens creates intimacy and unquestioning openness, which helps you to remain rooted in the body, aware and present together, where love thrives.

I would suggest that you tell your lover what you feel in your body, or heart, and be specific whenever you can. Don't hide anything. Continue a slow dialogue as you are making love, telling each other what is going on inside you, with relaxed pauses in between. The general idea is that in keeping track of
now
and
now
and
now
we create tremendous awareness of what is happening. And this changes the whole quality of the experience. It brings life and consciousness to it. Avoid prolonged or awkward silences to stop yourself drifting away. Use words to bring yourself and each other into the present. I call this "sharing your now". This establishes an honest basis between you, and gives a new-found freedom. It is not a confession, but simple words to articulate truthfully different feelings within your own body. This increases your awareness, intensifies sensitivity and the body energy will expand accordingly.

Feelings in your body

One of the hardest things for me to admit was that when I stopped being so physically active in lovemaking, I could feel very little in my vagina. I was so used to feeling the pleasures of friction that the finer, more delicate ecstatic function or sensitivity was not yet available to me. I felt that I was dead inside, and it was a ghastly moment when I had to confess to my lover that I could not feel myself, let alone him! With this admission I experienced a tremendous sadness and pain overwhelm me, tears emerged with a great deal of sobbing, and with this release of withheld energy, I suddenly and unexpectedly felt more alive in my vagina. A layer of fear and tension that I had not realized was there had actually lifted off my vaginal tissue. I was alive after all and I burst out laughing! Never feel too ashamed to admit what is happening to you. In fact, if there is some shame lurking around, let it be a hint to you that it is a matter for sharing.

In communicating and "sharing your now" as you make love, two significant things happen. First, you are creating the present through the body, a new basis for the sexual experience, and getting to know the genitals (and each other) afresh. And second, and significantly, you are setting up a channel of communication between your brain and your genitals. Through speaking out loud, "what is," it is brought into consciousness, and it is as if that part of the brain controlling the consciousness can literally "hear" your words. By reinforcing the truth and acknowledging reality, the genitals will respond
instantly
with thrilling sensitivity, more consciousness. In this way you are creating the roots of a new sexual intelligence.

Talk about all of it

As you practice, you will find a way to communicate so that your lover is given positive information about how your body responds and opens up. We are all similar, but also individual. There may be things that you like after you are already warmed up, but often too much stimulus initially can lead to a style of lovemaking that is hot and orgasm-oriented. Or the stimulation reduces your sensitivity. Slow down as you approach one another. Take time to sense your own body, and that of your lover too. Ask them what they like, and how they like it. Share too, simply and sweetly, the how and where of touching you. Take their hand in your hand, show them what works best for you. Talk about all of it. And definitely talk to each other about your lovemaking experiences while you are not making love, because this is a tremendous support to the consciousness, and besides, it's the most juicy subject.

To practice this type of communication for intensifying body awareness and the present moment, here is a simple exercise you can do together:

Lie down comfortably and several inches apart, face each other and make eye contact. Tune into your own body for some moments and be aware of the proximity of your partner's body at the same time. After a few minutes begin to speak, and as much as possible remain with sensations
in the body.
Identify different sensations or bodily perceptions and then speak about them. First let the woman say what she is feeling in her body. It might be a pounding heart, a vibration in the belly, or perhaps a repeating thought or fear. Then the man can say what is happening to him, his body, his penis, his breathing. Only talk about what is happening
now
in heart or body. Don't start a conversation and don't ask many questions. Pay attention to the body and seek your present moment there, then describe it to your partner. Alternate speaking in this way for some time, sharing the now of your body. Keep it simple and direct, without long pauses or silences. Body sensations keep changing, so be aware of them. Don't try to understand or analyze with the mind. For instance, if your partner says they feel some fear, don't get into a discussion about the whys and wherefores. Through this you step away from the intensity of the moment, the reality. Just keep sharing with your partner what you are feeling, and where. Be specific and be sincere and don't try to pretend something is happening if it isn't. Don't talk about something already gone, or something that happened last time. Stay with now. After some time you may notice your body energy becoming more dynamic and a feeling of physical attraction arises. If you continue this kind of relaxed verbal rapport, lovemaking will be a spontaneous outcome.

Releasing fear and tension

When you can do it, it is best to share your emotions and feelings at the moment they are actually happening. If you delay, the energetic intensity and its hidden potential is lost. When you talk about it later it will be like giving someone a news report of what happened, simply another story without the vigor of life behind it. For example, if you are feeling insecure and are able to say to your lover, "I am afraid to relax, I am terrified that nothing will happen," you will discover that the very admission to the fear of nothing happening in sex will have a profound effect on you. You may start breathing fast, tears welling up in your eyes, feel panicky or in pain as you have the overwhelming realization that you have always been afraid. It has always been there unconsciously, a tremendous tension in you. But you did not realize before because you were ahead of yourself, less "here." Now with consciousness or presence introduced into the sexual act through communication and other ways, the restrictive fear is released from the energy system in a cellular way, and eliminated as a toxin that is often reflected in the pungent body odor emitted during such occasions. The intensity of such an experience of the truth changes reality, it is ultimately relaxing. Fears gradually diminish and love grows in its place. If however, you spoke about your fear later, it would fail to have any transforming effects on you. I have missed many an opportunity to reveal myself to the one I loved, choosing to stay in the fear of showing my deepest feelings. But I soon found that I was denying myself more life and joy, and my fear of exposure was an illusion. Speaking up and taking risks brought me only closer to myself and to my lover.