Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (15 page)

When you are speaking on the phone, does your child appear instantly and listen to your conversations, even interrupting as you speak? No longer. Either move to another room or tell your child to go and play quietly until you have finished speaking on the phone. Apart from the smallest of toddlers, where you will be keeping an eye on them the whole time, older children do not need to be party to your conversations.

If your child persists in being present or keeps trying to talk to you, making your phone conversation impossible, ask the caller if you can back later, and deal with your child’s behaviour. Tell your child that when you are on the phone he or she needs to play quietly; otherwise you will impose a sanction. Not only is it frustrating for you to keep having to interrupt your phone conversation to answer your child but your child is controlling you and, as with all other controlling behaviour, it is not acceptable.

The same applies if you are talking to another adult in person: it is a private conversation and your child should not keep interrupting. If you meet another adult in the street or supermarket, for example, or they drop by for coffee, you are entitled to have your conversation without constant interruptions. Clearly, if it is a conversation that the child should not overhear, then save the conversation until the child isn’t present, but otherwise there is no reason not to talk to your friends and associates. Adults often go out of their way to include a child in a conversation, but this isn’t necessary or advisable. A child who isn’t vying for control won’t continuously challenge you by interrupting – the child simply won’t be interested in your conversation; but the child who insists on being party to everything you say or do is dominating you.

Tell your child that when you are talking to an adult, wherever it is, he or she should not interrupt. You will need to enforce this as and when it happens, sanctioning if necessary.

Food and mealtimes can present another challenge for a parent with a child who has become leader of the pack. If you have modified your mealtimes and what you eat to accommodate your child, stop and reverse the situation. Call the family to the dinner table at the time you and your partner have decided is dinner time, and insist all your children are present. Present the nutritious and well-balanced meal, of which all the children will eat what they want and leave what they don’t want. Obviously don’t force your child to eat something he or she really dislikes – all children have food preferences. Don’t make a big issue about what your child hasn’t eaten. Clear away the plates when the meal has finished.

Don’t pander to a child’s fussy ways and don’t be tempted to give them something different if he or she has eaten little. Food refusal in a child who is dominating you will have more to do with control than not wishing to eat. You will find that the child who is using food as a means of controlling and manipulating you will like something one day and reject it another. Children know from early on that it is very important for you, as the mother, to see your children well fed, but food is about satiating hunger, not power and control. Giving the child something different (at the meal table or later) will prove to the child that he or she has status above the rest of the family and is in control. Obviously if your child has special dietary needs, or is under the doctor, you will follow medical advice, but assuming your child is healthy, he or she should eat with the family and what the family eats, leaving what he or she dislikes.

If your child has become leader of the pack, apart from pandering to food fads you will probably have been pandering to his or her wishes in general, modifying your behaviour and that of the family to suit the child and avoid a scene. From day one of turning around your child, he or she must now fit in with the family norm and not dictate it. Of course you should consider your child’s preferences when they are made reasonably and not demanded, but the child should ultimately adhere to the family, and not the family to the child.

One girl I know from a very loving and caring family had, by the age of five, complete control of her parents, and also her brother, who was older by three years. The family revolved around the girl and her needs, and didn’t do anything unless it had the girl’s seal of approval. Her dominance extended to family activities and outings, which were tailored to what she wanted.

One of many incidents took place on a Sunday morning, when the parents decided they would like to go ice skating, which the parents and older boy enjoyed and were good at, but which the girl wasn’t good at and therefore didn’t like – this was the reason the family seldom went. The parents, reasonably, said that if the girl didn’t want to join in the skating she could sit by the rink and watch, as many others did. They paid and went in, but the girl set up such a scene – a full tantrum – that the family abandoned their trip without even getting on the ice, and went home.

The older brother, although bitterly disappointed, as he loved skating, said nothing, aware his sister’s wishes always dominated and any protest on his part was pointless. Not only was this clearly unfair to the boy, who grew up feeling his views didn’t matter, but it gave the girl ultimate control, with an unrealistic perception of her needs being continually met to the exclusion of everyone else’s. Four years on and the situation remains the same, and although the grandparents are aware of the girl’s dominance they don’t feel they have the right to criticise.

I’ll say more of siblings later, but for now make sure that all children in the family have equal status and confirm to the family norm.

A good indication that your child has gained control is your willingness to excuse your child. Do you find yourself making excuses for your child’s behaviour, to friends, family, neighbours and even yourself?
‘Jack is tired/not himself/sickening for something’
or even
‘likes his own way’.
If your child’s behaviour needs excusing, then the behaviour is unacceptable. As leader of your pack you should be confident that you can take your child anywhere, into any social situation – restaurants, cinema, church, the homes of friends and family – and that your child can be relied upon to behave correctly. If not, your child is dominating you through his or her unreasonable behaviour, and you need to change this.

Often a child who is in control will use the presence of others to exert control, aware you will not want to chastise him or her in front of others with the possibility of a scene. Don’t be intimidated; deal with the unacceptable behaviour, using the 3Rs, just as you would at home, and your child will remember for the next time. No more excuses. As leader of the pack, you are in charge, and have the right to lead your pack anywhere you please and expect acceptable behaviour.

The basic strategy for turning around a sibling group is in many ways the same as that for one child. The dos and don’ts set the atmosphere and ground rules for one child so that siblings develop and flourish as individuals, as well as nurturing their cooperation and negotiation as part of the family group. If, however, this hasn’t happened in your house and your children are out of control, individually and collectively, here are some strategies for turning around their behaviour and getting them back on track.

Before you embark on changing your children’s unacceptable behaviour, familiarise yourself with the other factors that can affect children’s behaviour – for example, moving house, divorce or remarriage. Be sensitive to any factors that may have affected one child, or all the children in your family, but do not let those factors be used as an excuse for the child or children behaving badly. As we have seen, children need routine and boundaries, even when working through change or family crisis; indeed they need security and stability more than ever when other aspects of their lives are out of control.

1.
The first step for you and your partner (if you have one) is to decide a routine, which will encompass your objectives – for example, the children getting up on time in the morning, meals, clearing up, etc. Also draw up your house rules that prohibit the children’s negative behaviour – no shouting, swearing, throwing things, hitting, pinching, etc. – as well as encouraging positive behaviour – be kind, helpful, gentle, patient, etc.

2.
Now call a family meeting, where all the children are present, even the baby. Although the baby won’t be able to contribute much it is important that the older children see the baby included as part of the family unit.

3.
Stand with your partner at the front of the meeting while your children are seated, thus emphasising your authoritative presence. This should be done even if you have only two children. Make sure all the children are seated, quiet and listening before you or your partner start to talk. If the children are all over the place, then praise the one child (and there will always be at least one) who is doing as asked and sitting quietly waiting –
‘What a good boy!’
– and the others will follow the example.

4.
Whichever one of you is doing the talking should state that you are both concerned about some of the children’s behaviour, but that is all going to change now and improve. Be positive, speak evenly and firmly, and hold yourself upright. You and your partner are leaders of the pack.

5.
Explain your new routine and what is expected of the children – for example, they are to get up for school when called at 7.00 a.m., take turns in the bathroom, all come for dinner when called at 6.00 p.m., put dirty washing in the laundry basket, etc. If any of the children interrupts, use a pointed pause and wait for silence before continuing.

6.
Now explain your house rules: no hitting, shouting, swearing, throwing things, etc. Do not use this meeting to single out the negative behaviour of one child. Do not say,
‘Tom, you will not hit Claire any more,’
but do say (as one of your rules),
‘There will be no more hitting,’
and warn of the sanction if the behaviour persists.

7.
Explain the reward system you have decided to use. I would not recommend using a star chart or similar for turning around siblings, as it encourages sibling competition and therefore rivalry: not all the children will have the same number of stars so inevitably one will be the ‘winner’ and one the ‘loser’. You are improving the behaviour of the group, so I prefer a small family activity at the end of the week to reward the group’s behaviour. This encourages teamwork rather than the children being in competition with each other.

8.
Once you have finished explaining your new routine and house rules, the children can comment if they wish, one at a time, but do not enter into debate. You have given your reasons for the changes that need to be made (i.e. to correct the unacceptable behaviour) and, as parents, you have the right to make reasonable decisions for the good of your children and family unit.

9.
Finish the meeting by praising the children for sitting still and listening, even if they have been a bit fidgety and you had to stop to regain attention.

You and your partner should now begin your new routine and house rules immediately, using the 3Rs. Remember: