Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (24 page)

The very occasional missed lesson is not going to turn your child into a school dropout, although clearly you should not condone it or encourage it by providing a ‘sick note’. If your young teen regularly misses school or is distressed at the prospect of going to school, hear warning bells. He or she may be having friendship problems, being bullied or finding the work too difficult and therefore stressful. Children at secondary school are under huge pressure to achieve academically, as well as having to cope with all that adolescence brings. Spend time talking to your young teen and find out what the problem is.

If there is no reason for them truanting, and they are simply bucking against the ‘system’ as part of rebelling, then you will need to make them go to school. It is a legal requirement in all developed countries that children attend school until a set age (sixteen in the UK, with plans to raise it to eighteen in 2015). The parent of a teenager can be prosecuted for the teen’s non-attendance at school, with the parent going to prison (in extreme cases) and the teen fined up to £200. The judge will not accept the excuse that you couldn’t get your teen into school; as the parent you are responsible for your child going until he or she reaches the age of sixteen.

Talk to your young teen about the importance of education, apart from it being a legal requirement. Explain the value of education, particularly in respect of job prospects. You will need the support of the school if your child is truanting, and to work closely with them, so that the school secretary phones you if your son or daughter fails to arrive, and you phone the school if your child is genuinely off sick. If necessary, and practical, take your child to school; at least you will know they have gone in through the school gates, and you going is likely to be a deterrent to truanting in its own right. Not many teens think its ‘cool’ to have their parents take them to secondary school. As with any negative behaviour, appropriate sanctions need to be applied if cooperation has not been forthcoming and the child persists in the behaviour.

At this age (and older), talking, reasoning and discussing are paramount ingredients for good parenting. A lot of negative behaviour can be corrected, eventually, through this medium, particularly if the boundaries and guidelines are already in place. However, there will be times when your young teen is not open to rational debate, and despite your talking to them at length, their negative behaviour persists. The bottom line is that your child has to alter his or her behaviour and comply, and there will be a sanction if they don’t, so that they will remember and learn for the next time.

Sanctions at this age will obviously be different from those you used when your child was younger. Stopping half an hour’s television for a young teen is unlikely to be much of a sanction. You will know your child, and know what sanctions work best, but here are a few suggestions:

Let your young teen feel your disapproval when necessary; show it, as they show you theirs. After a negative incident, don’t be your usual chatty self, unless of course your child has apologised and the air is clear. A slight coolness in your manner, together with your explanation of what your young teen has done wrong (it isn’t always obvious to them), will reinforce that he or she has overstepped the boundary; their behaviour is not acceptable, and you thoroughly disapprove.

Another approach is to withhold your services. Postpone doing something for your teen that you had intended to do: for example, perhaps you were planning on rushing into the town straight after work to buy Tom new football boots. If Tom has just ‘kicked-off’ (excuse the pun), then postpone the trip
– ‘I’m sorry, Tom, you have just spoken to me very rudely, I don’t feel like rushing into town right now. Perhaps tomorrow, when I feel happier.’
This is quite reasonable, and gives Tom the clear message that his negative or rude behaviour is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated by you. Don’t feel bad about being cool towards him for a short period, or withdrawing your services for a short while. You wouldn’t put yourself out for an adult who had just given you a load of grief, unless you wanted to end up being treated like a doormat, which is what your young teen will do if you don’t maintain his or her respect.

Obviously don’t forget to praise Tom or Claire when he or she has done something positive; children (and adults) of all ages respond to verbal praise and encouragement. However, I would not give rewards (for example, extra pocket money) for positive behaviour at this age, as it is likely to result in your teen expecting it and reverting to negative behaviour if the reward is not forthcoming. By all means give extra pocket money for extra chores, for example, washing the car or mowing the grass, but by this age acceptable behaviour should be the assumed norm, the baseline from which you work, not something done as a favour to mum or for the promise of a reward.

Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, but allow extra time for your young teen to do as you have asked, as they tend to function in a different time zone to adults.

Claire has been on the house phone for the last hour and you are waiting to use it. Don’t bellow from one end of the house to the other,
‘Claire, get off that damn phone!’
She won’t. For the first Request, go within reasonable speaking distance, so that she can hear you but you are not being over-intrusive, and say firmly but politely,
‘Claire, will you finish on the phone in five minutes, please? I need to use it.’
Five minutes passes and Claire is still on the phone – probably talking to a friend she has spent all day with at school. Return to where you stood before and Repeat. Say firmly and politely,
‘Claire, I’ve asked you to finish on the phone, now please. I’m waiting to use it.’
Five more minutes pass and the landline is still blocked. Now it is time to Reaffirm with the warning of a sanction. Return to Claire and say,
‘Claire, off the phone, now please, or you won’t be using it for the rest of the evening.’
Then hover close by. With you able to overhear, you will find Claire winds up her conversation very quickly. If Claire slams down the phone and huffs, ignore it. But if Claire slams down the phone and yells or swears at you before storming out of the room, slamming the door behind her, then apply the sanction and stop her using the phone for the rest of the evening. She will remember that her behaviour was unacceptable and you will not be treated in such a manner.

*  Pre-teens and young teens appear very grown-up, but don’t let them have sole responsibility for their behaviour. They haven’t the life experience or degree of self-regulation to handle it.

*  Mutual respect, clear and consistent boundaries, discussion and reasonableness are the key components for successfully parenting teens.

*  Guide the young person, advise them, listen to them and be there for them.

Quality time now is just as important as it was when your child was young. Invest time, and be patient and understanding, but remember that ultimately you are the adult and you are in charge of your young teen.

There will be considerable variation in the level of maturity reached between young people in their late teens. Some will still need very firm boundaries in respect of their behaviour, while others will need only the occasional reminder. Regardless of their level of maturity, all older teens will need your guidance and advice sometimes as they face the many lifestyle choices that this age brings. They will also need your unfailing support when the decision they have made turns out to be the wrong one and the result is not as they anticipated.

Although your young person will be feeling more confident in his or her body (boys will be catching up with girls in their development), they will still be experimenting with their character and the image they want to portray. Older teens will also be faced with many important and often confusing decisions – about higher education, university, a career, relationships – as well as choices about alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, etc.

Parenting an older teen is like being a coach on the sidelines: you are there to cheer them along, and offer encouragement and advice, but also ready to pick up the pieces and commiserate when things go wrong. Your sophisticated and independent sixteen-year-old daughter who goes off confidently to her Saturday job will soon be a child again, in need of comfort and support, when her first boyfriend lets her down, or when her exam results aren’t as good as she expected and she has to reassess her career plans.

Young people in this age group can be great company, enjoying a laugh and a joke at an adult level, and whose opinion you may seek. But they can also be very self-centred, focusing on their own needs and enjoyment to the exclusion of others’. What family hasn’t queued outside the bathroom door at 8.00 a.m. on a weekday while their teenage son or daughter hogs the shower? And what parent of a teen hasn’t spent a night of endless torment when their child didn’t arrive home until 3.00 a.m. when they were expected at 11.00 p.m.? Although older teens vary in their level of maturity, all parents will have had to deal with some of what follows, at some time.

Your young person will probably have a large circle of friends by now, and he or she will be spending a lot of time with them, away from the family home. This is normal and healthy. As parents we have to accept that our sons and daughters prefer the company of their friends to ours – it’s a sign we have done our jobs well and encouraged their independence and sociability. You will know some of your son or daughter’s friends, but not all, and while you will hope they have made good choices in their friends, and are associating with young people with similar values and principles to your own, this can’t be guaranteed.

Neither can you protect your son or daughter from all undesirable influences. Antisocial or unsafe behaviour can seem very exciting and appealing to a teen, but by this age your son or daughter should have developed a sufficient moral code (thanks to you), and self-regulation, to generally make the right decision when it comes to what is acceptable or safe. If they do make errors of judgement, which they will all do at some time and to some extent, you will have to support them as they work through the ‘fallout’ from their bad decision and learn from their mistakes.

If you know your son or daughter is associating with someone who has a reputation for unsafe or antisocial behaviour, the worst thing you can do is to criticise their choice of friends and try to stop them from seeing them. This will result in your son or daughter being put in the position of having to defend their friend, even if they don’t want to; and they will take your criticism personally. It is likely to drive the undesirable friendship underground, and your teen will be less likely to tell you anything about their friends in future. Encourage your son or daughter in their positive friendships –
‘James seems good company’
– but conversely don’t say,
‘Wayne is a bad lot.’

Tom has just been describing in great detail, and with much admiration, that when he was out with Wayne the night before, Wayne was pissed as a newt, graffitied a wall with a can of spray paint and urinated in a bus shelter, before throwing up in someone’s geranium pot.

While clearly you will not share Tom’s enthusiasm or admiration for Wayne’s activities, neither must you show your true shock or horror. The fact that Tom is telling you at all is very positive: it means he feels comfortable with you and the line of communication is still open. Listen to what he tells you and when he stops (he is waiting for your reaction) say evenly something like,
‘I’m glad you don’t drink to the extent Wayne does. I expect he will be feeling very sorry for himself today.’
This is not confrontational and shows that you have considered what Tom has told you rather than just dismissing it out of hand. It won’t put Tom on the defensive, as there is no criticism; indeed there is praise for Tom’s responsible drinking. Tom won’t be able to disagree with your statement about Wayne suffering from drinking to excess; indeed the chances are Tom has already received a text from Wayne to that effect.

Likewise, if sixteen-year-old Claire tells you, with some relish, that her friend Tracey is allowed to wear make-up for school, go clubbing every Friday and Saturday night until 4.00 a.m. and have her boyfriend sleep over (all of which some sixteen-year-old girls do), then you can nod in appreciation that she has told you and say,
‘I’m so pleased you don’t. I’d be very worried if you did.’
This acknowledges that Claire has the responsibility for making her own decisions and that she has made the correct one, and that you admire and respect her for it.

Provide a relaxing and welcoming atmosphere when your older teen brings friends home, but at the same time don’t give them the run of the house or have your rules compromised. Music blaring at 1.00 a.m. if you have to be up for work the following morning is not acceptable, and you will need to tell Tom (or Claire) and their friends that the music should be turned down. Similarly don’t let your teen and their friends take over the house when you are not there. This may be more difficult, as many parents arrive home from work after their teen has returned from school or college. Repeat the boundaries of acceptable behaviour to your teen and don’t let your home become a drop-in centre, which it can easily do – a nice warm comfortable house with no adults can be a magnet for teens to gather in. Tell your teen what is acceptable. For example, Tom or Claire can have their friends round after school a couple of times a week but not every day.