Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (10 page)

I’m not saying ballet or piano lessons are going to turn your child into a juvenile delinquent, but make sure you don’t overload your child and have unattainably high goals. Clubs and activities should be fun for your child, and for your child’s personal accomplishment and pleasure, not a merit badge for you to pin to your coat to show others.

One close friend of mine, who had waited a long time to have her child, did what she thought was best by enrolling her daughter in virtually everything that was available from a very early age. As soon as the child could walk she was attending tumble tots, ballet, gym, swimming and trampoline classes, and by the time she had started school, piano, violin and trumpet lessons had been added, tucked in between various clubs and after-school activities, and home tuition in English, French and Maths. My friend genuinely believed she was giving her daughter the best start in life by providing her with all the opportunities she herself hadn’t had as a child. Rewards were given as incentives for obtaining grades and badges and passing exams; and the pressure on the child, while not obvious at the time, must have been enormous.

I remember feeling something of a failure for not providing my children with all the opportunities my friend’s daughter had, but by the age of ten her daughter was becoming very difficult and challenging in her behaviour. By the age of fourteen she had completely rebelled and was doing anything and everything that would upset or hurt her mother. She refused to go to school, got into drugs, alcohol and under-age sex, and ultimately got into trouble with the police. Having spent years on overload and under pressure to fulfil her mother’s (too high) expectations, she’d been set up for failure, as well as having had no time to simply be a child and explore her own identity. Sadly at the age of sixteen she became pregnant, and her poor mother, having hoped for so much, was left with nothing but to try to pick up the pieces and support her daughter as best she could.

As ‘big fish’, children of this age tend to think they no longer need adult care and supervision, when the truth is they need it more than ever. If children at this age are left to get on with things, which their confidence and self-assurance suggests they could, they quickly become lonely, unhappy and frightened – aware of but unable to cope with the responsibility in their widening world.

I have fostered many children in this age group who hadn’t had appropriate care and supervision. They arrive loud-mouthed, and with a take-me-on-if-you-dare attitude; they are brash, verbally and, sometimes, physically aggressive, and hell bent on challenging all the boundaries and guidelines. But beneath all their bravado is a small frightened child who is crying out to be looked after and cared for. It is surprising just how quickly children like this can settle, and their behaviour be turned around. To their parents and other professionals it seems as though I have worked a miracle, so dramatic is the change in the children’s behaviour. It is no miracle, and I am no miracle worker. What I do is put in place the boundaries for good behaviour and respect, which should have been there from the start, as well as giving the children loads of love, care and attention, so that they feel safe and cherished.

If you are already using the 3Rs, then migration through this ‘big fish’ phase should be relatively painless. If not, you will need to put in place the boundaries immediately, and look at Chapter 6 on turning around a difficult child. The sooner you begin the better.

Don’t be afraid or feel embarrassed to use the 3Rs in front of, and with, your child’s friends. If, for instance, Tom is having a game of football in the garden with his mates and you have asked him and the rest of the group to play away from the flowerbeds, and they don’t, deal with it by addressing the whole group. Request –
‘Please play with the ball at the end of the garden, away from the patio and flowers. Good boys.’
If they persist, then Repeat your Request. If they continue, Reaffirm with the sanction
– ‘Boys, I’m sorry, but if you can’t play with the ball at the end of the garden, you’ll have to put it away and find something else to do.’
Your child might scowl or throw you a disapproving look, but he and his friends will respect you for your authority. The alternative is that you compromise your rules whenever Tom has friends in to play, feeling uncomfortable about disciplining the whole group, which will result in your authority taking a beating every time Tom has friends in, until eventually you have to stop him having his friends in at all.

Likewise, if Claire makes a beeline for your make-up when she has a friend to play (as one of my daughters used to), with the result that your one lipstick becomes a congealed lump on the bathroom mirror, then Request, Repeat and Reaffirm as above to both Claire and her friend. Children of this age are very sociable and will want to bring friends home to play often, but they can also use their audience as a chance to take liberties, believing you will not correct or discipline them in front of their friends. Prove them wrong once and it will be far easier the next time. Not only will Tom or Claire remember that the rules and respect still apply when they have friends in, but their friends will have noted what is acceptable in your house, where you are rightfully in charge. If friends know the expected standard of behaviour, they will soon feel relaxed and at home, confident in the knowledge that they know how to behave correctly when they visit.

Before we look at managing children’s behaviour in the pre-teen and early teenage years, I want to look at some factors (sometimes crises) which can adversely affect children’s behaviour at any age. Some of these factors will be obvious, some will not, while others may surprise you as being the cause of your child’s sudden decline in acceptable behaviour. Children can react to emotional events and crises very differently from adults, often internalising their pain until eventually it bubbles up and explodes into anger.

Stress is a part of everyday life, and a little stress, which gets the adrenalin pumping, is no bad thing, as it can fuel ambition and achievement. Too much stress, however, can have an adverse effect on physical and mental health, and on behaviour, in adults and children. The top most stressful factors affecting adults are generally accepted to be the death of a loved one; divorce or separation; loss of a job; moving house; imprisonment; retirement; and, since 9/11, world events. These stress factors will also affect your child, together with others, which I shall come to later.

Stress in children manifests itself in the following ways:

This list is not exhaustive, and different symptoms can appear together, so that, for example, a child might be very angry and confrontational one minute and dissolve into tears the next. Any sudden and worrying change in your child’s behaviour could be a sign of stress and needs to be investigated.

While you will obviously be very sympathetic and supportive as you work through a difficult time together, it is not helpful to allow your child’s behaviour to disintegrate as a result of family crisis or anxiety. Indeed keeping the familiar routine and boundaries for behaviour in place is reassuring for the child, as these factors can remain constant when others are in a state of turmoil. In managing children’s unacceptable behaviour resulting from stress, we shall still be using the 3Rs, with the emphasis on Reassuring.

Clearly you will be acutely aware of this factor, and will be helping your child through their loss in any way you can – by talking, reassuring and giving lots and lots of cuddles. You will also probably be having to deal with your own sorrow at the passing of a loved one, and it is acceptable for you to show your child just how upset you are. When dealing with bereavement, many parents feel they have to put on a brave face and hide their emotion for the sake of their child. This will not help you, and will also discourage your child from expressing their own pain and sorrow. Adults usually deal with bereavement by crying, feeling very sad and talking to others about their dearly departed. Children do too, to some extent, but they can also become very angry when someone close dies, feeling they have been cheated by having their loved one taken away. This is very true of boys who, because of gender stereotyping, may not feel able to shed tears and share their grief, with the result that it ‘pressure cooks’ until the lid blows off.

One twelve-year-old boy I know, who lost his father in a road accident, appeared to cope with his pain remarkably well. He continued going to school and doing his homework, helped his mother all he could and reassured his younger brother. Six months later he was truanting, swearing and getting into fights, and eventually he got into trouble with the police. By not admitting to or sharing his grief, feeling that his mother already had enough to cope with, he’d bottled it up to the point where all his anger at the loss of his father had to come out and exploded into his behaviour. His mother had understandably been so immersed in her own sorrow, and keeping things going in the house, that she hadn’t noticed the warning signs in her son. Fortunately, with the help of a bereavement counsellor the boy was able to express his grief and anger at losing his dad, and eventually got his life back on track.

While it can be difficult for a parent to keep in place a routine and boundaries in the midst of grieving, it is also crucial to try to do so. A familiar routine, with familiar boundaries, feels safe and secure for the child when everything else in their life is falling apart and out of control. Talk to your child about the loss you are both experiencing and work through the grieving process, with the routine and boundaries for good behaviour still in place. So that if Tom is suddenly confrontational, angry and swearing at you, you can say,
‘Tom, love, I know how upset you are. We are both very upset, but you’re not going to speak to me like that. It doesn’t help and you know I don’t have swearing
.’ This lets Tom know you have recognised his hurt and anger but that the foundations of his life are reassuringly unaltered. The same applies to bedtimes, mealtimes, homework – in fact all the boundaries and expectations you had before the bereavement. What wasn’t acceptable behaviour before the bereavement still isn’t.

It is worth noting that a child may be greatly affected (more so than an adult) by the news of the death of someone they weren’t particularly close to – for example, a distant relative, a child at school, someone who knows someone or even a pet. Children are in the early stages of coming to terms with the concept of mortality and the finality of death (it’s an on-going process throughout life), and can be affected far more than we might realise by such news.

I was once taken completely off guard when I had a phone call from my son’s school saying he had been put in detention after being very rude to a teacher. When he came home, somewhat subdued, it took me most of the evening to discover what was wrong. His pet hamster, Gerry, had died the night before and while he hadn’t said much to me at the time, I’d assumed he was all right. We’d had many pets and had therefore experienced them dying before but he’d suddenly felt the need to confide the passing of Gerry to his best friend in the middle of RE. The teacher had asked what was so pressing that he had to talk when she was, and he’d told her it was none of her business and was put in detention. While I sympathised with him, and said we should have talked about Gerry, I also said he shouldn’t have been rude to the teacher. He was fourteen at the time and had tears in his eyes as he said how he wished pets didn’t have to die.

A child’s parents divorcing or separating is a form of bereavement. A loved one is no longer living in the same house, and although the child will probably be seeing the estranged parent, it is still a huge loss. Parents divorcing or separating has an even greater potential than bereavement to adversely affect a child’s behaviour. Not only is the absent parent no longer part of the child’s daily life, and therefore the disciplining process, but a child can easily exploit any (probably acrimonious) gap between the parents, playing one off against the other. Added to which the parent with custody will be having to make many adjustments and compromises as he or she struggles to come to terms with their new single-parent status and being solely responsible for running the house, paying the bills, child-care arrangements, etc.

Whenever possible, try to put the differences you have with your estranged partner aside and when it comes to managing your children’s behaviour enlist their help and present a united front. I know it won’t be easy (I’ve been there myself), but for the sake of your child or children, and not just their behaviour, make it a priority. If your ex has a new partner, try to bring him or her on board. It will be very confusing for your child, with the potential for the child to manipulate all of you, if there is one set of rules in one house and another set, or no rules at all, in the other.