Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (14 page)

Stop him as he demands something and tell him the correct way to ask, as it won’t necessarily be obvious to Jack –
‘Jack, you say “Can I have an ice cream, please?” Not “I want one!"’
Don’t give Jack the ice cream (or whatever it is) until he has asked properly, and then praise him –
‘Good boy, Jack. That was polite. Which flavour would you like?’
Do not enter into conversation with your child if he or she is shouting and demanding: it’s demeaning for you and reduces you to the same level as the child whose behaviour you are correcting.

If your child continues to shout and demand, move away from him or her, thus imposing quiet time, until he or she is calmer and can be spoken to rationally. All your conversations with Jack should be calm, and the dialogue spoken in a calm, even and respectful voice.

If Jack is impudent – for example, by covering his ears or making loud noises so that he can’t hear you when you are trying to chastise him – don’t shout over the noise or prise his hands away from his ears, but ignore him until he has stopped the noise or lowered his hands, and then approach him. If he does it again as soon as you start talking, move away again and impose a sanction. Such behaviour is rude and disrespectful and you should not tolerate it. Later, when Jack is receptive, explain why you have imposed the sanction – because his behaviour was rude and unacceptable.

If you have been putting up with such behaviour for a long time, it will take a number of instances before the behaviour is corrected, but it will change quickly when Jack realises his method of behaving is no longer successful. Remember to praise Jack when he gets it right –
‘Well done, you listened nicely while I was talking.’

Likewise answering back when you are disciplining Jack is very rude and disrespectful and should no longer be tolerated. Deal with it immediately by warning, and then apply a sanction if Jack persists.

If Jack interrupts or talks over you, stop what you are trying to say and address the interruption. Answering back and talking over someone else are forms of dominance and control and have no place when a child is conversing with an adult. You often see adults – teachers, parents, carers, relatives and friends of parents – stopping something they were saying as a child interrupts and talks over them, not realising what is happening.

If your child does this, say firmly –
‘Jack, I am talking. Please don’t interrupt. You can have your say in a moment when I have finished.’
Then continue with what you were saying prior to Jack’s interruption. When you have finished, turn to Jack and say,
‘Now, what was it you wanted to say?’
The chances are that, if Jack was using interrupting as a means of control, he won’t have anything to say now he has been given the platform to speak. A child interrupting or talking over you (in the context of challenging behaviour) is about dominating the situation and you, rather than airing a genuine point of view. You may find you are in the habit of accepting such behaviour as the norm; don’t any longer – it isn’t acceptable and will do nothing for your status as a parent or adult.

I have fostered many children with very challenging behaviour who used talking over me as a means of control. One ten-year-old boy I looked after would start to speak loudly each and every time I began to talk. Not only was it disrespectful, but the child couldn’t hear what I was saying and therefore had no idea what I had just asked him to do. He came from a family where everyone shouted the whole time and never listened to what anyone else was saying. After a very short time of living with me he found that if he listened to what I was saying he would know what to do, which earned him praise, and also that when he spoke, everyone listened to what he had to say.

If you find that your child continually satisfies his or her own needs to the exclusion of others’ (including yours and your partner’s) – for example, by grabbing or pushing in first – you will need to deal with each and every instance, as this is another form of control. It may sound like hard work, but politeness, taking turns and being aware of others’ feelings is relatively painless for a child to master and can easily earn your praise. For example, tell your child when it is their sibling’s turn in a game or to watch their favourite television programme; or that he or she has to play quietly in the early morning when their father is on night shift, as he needs to sleep.

This is about making a child aware that others have needs and feelings separate from theirs, which must be respected and accommodated. Explain to your child the needs of others as they arise, and demonstrate through action. Request –
‘I’m sorry, Jack, I’ve just sat down to read the paper. If you can’t find your toy lorry, play with something else. I’ll help you look for it later.’
If Jack persists, whining and whinging that he needs his lorry now, Repeat what you have said, then Reaffirm with the sanction. If necessary, exaggerate and elevate your own needs and feelings or those of a sibling until the balance is corrected.

Being aware of, and sensitive to, the needs of others is fundamental to being an emotional healthy child and adult. A child who is self-centred and continually demanding (especially if this behaviour is combined with other challenging behaviour) is not only exhausting for the parent but unfair to siblings. Left uncorrected the child is likely to become a selfish and manipulative adult who believes others are there purely to satisfy his or her own needs – the prisons are full of such people.

If your child automatically resorts to throwing things when they are angry or don’t get their own way, make him or her pick up the objects. I’ve fostered many children who throw things in anger, often because their parents do. Indeed it is surprising just how many otherwise responsible adults resort to hurling objects when angry or upset; make sure you’re not one of them. Throwing things not only causes breakages to property but is also very dangerous to others, and is indicative of the person being out of control. While a soft toy is unlikely to do any real harm if thrown, a sharp or heavy object will. If a child picks up something ready to throw, tell them to put it down and then move swiftly to remove it from them.

One child I fostered, who regularly threw things at school, was never stopped, as the school operated a policy (in line with many schools) of no physical intervention because of the worry of being sued by parents. The child had long since stopped throwing things at home with me, after the first two incidents where I had taken away his ammunition and imposed a sanction. However, at school the child had learned that he could hold an entire class to ransom by picking up something heavy and threatening to throw it. After one particularly nasty incident when he threw a compass, which narrowly missed a child’s face, and where the teacher had had time to intervene, I persuaded the school to physically stop him the next time he did such a thing and impose a sanction, reassuring them that I wouldn’t sue. They did, and the child never threw anything again, having lost face in front of the whole class.

Throwing, or threatening to throw an object, together with all other negative behaviour, is a way of manipulating a situation and cannot be tolerated. Don’t ever be tempted to laugh it off.

A child should never be allowed to dominate or manipulate you by blackmail.
‘I’ll scream if you don’t give me …’
said in the middle of a crowded supermarket must never get the child what he or she wants. You should deal with it as you deal with all the child’s negative and controlling behaviour, by Requesting, Repeating and Reaffirming, with a sanction if necessary. Tell the child that that isn’t how he or she asks for something and you don’t respond to threats.

If you give in once, the child will remember, and you will face a scene each time you don’t give the child what he or she demands.

We have now looked in detail at situations where a child’s behaviour is unacceptable and how to change it, using the 3Rs technique. But to change your child’s behaviour successfully and lastingly you may need to change some of your own behaviour, in order to regain and maintain control. It is likely that if your child is repeatedly challenging you, then he or she has usurped your position and claimed your authority. What follows has its roots in basic psychology and, together with the strategies we have looked at, will put you firmly in charge as ‘leader of the pack’.

The way you present yourself to others, through the way you hold and move your body, is known as body language and, together with the tone of your voice, gives many signals about how you expect to be treated. These non-verbal messages are subconsciously picked up and interpreted by the person you are talking to, who then bases his or her attitude and behaviour towards you on them. This is why if you are feeling positive about a particular outcome in a given situation the outcome is likely to be positive: you give off many subtle, non-verbal signals that you are expecting to achieve what you want. The reverse is also true, and it applies to adults and children.

Take a few minutes to analyse the way you present yourself to your child. This will in effect be the way he or she perceives you. When dealing with challenging behaviour, would you take yourself seriously and do as you asked if the roles were reversed and you were the child? Are you giving off the right signals? If the answer is no, or unlikely, then you need to consciously change the way you present yourself, so that you send messages of confidence and authority.

Draw back your shoulders so that you are holding yourself upright, make eye contact, take a deep breath and then in a calm, even and firm voice tell the child what it is you want them to do or stop doing, i.e. your Request. Your body language needs to give the clear message that you expect what you say to be taken seriously and acted on, and failure to do so (in a reasonable time) will result in a sanction. If the child doesn’t respond, then maintain your authoritative stance and Repeat your Request, then Reaffirm with the sanction if necessary.

After a while of consciously doing this it will become second nature, so that whenever you are faced with confrontational behaviour you will automatically become your authoritative self. Look upon it a bit like acting on stage – you are playing the part of the ‘stern’ parent; teachers do it all the time to maintain control of a class. When you are playing with your child, and for most other times, obviously you will be your usual warm and loving self, but for disciplining you need to be a figure of authority to whom the child responds.

Never let your child push ahead of you; when you open a door, you go in first with the child following. This may seem petty, but it is one of many indicators of who is in charge and ‘leader of the pack’ – the leader leads. As you open the door, whether it is the front door, shop door or shed door, go in first, and if the child pushes in or darts in ahead of you call him or her back –
‘Excuse me, Jack, don’t push ahead of me, please’
– and go in first. The new order will very quickly become so automatic for both of you that after a week or so only a few reminders will be needed.

Likewise, if your child grabs the chair in the lounge where you were about to sit, or jumps into the chair you have just vacated and where you were to return to a few moments later, ask your child to move. You can smile but be firm –
‘Come on, Jack, you know I was sitting there. Find somewhere else to sit, please
.’ Your child is not simply taking your seat, but trying to take your position (and status) and therefore authority.

Grabbing the seat of an adult is often more prevalent when there is a large gathering of family or friends, and the challenging child needs to reassert and regain his or her control within the new group. The child may also try to dominate the new group by speaking loudly and continuously, or being very demanding.

I fostered a ten-year-old boy once who, whenever we visited my parents, dashed into the lounge and sat in my father’s adjustable armchair, although he knew that that was where my father sat. The child had quickly realised, albeit subconsciously, that when we visited my parents, my father automatically became head of the family, and this was the child’s way of challenging my father’s position and vying for control.

The first couple of times we visited, the boy created such a scene when I asked him to sit in one of the other chairs, as other family members were doing, that my father was embarrassed and kept saying,
‘It’s OK, he can sit there. I’ll sit in another chair.’
But it wasn’t OK, for reasons unconnected with the actual sitting in the chair but to do with respect for my father and the hierarchy of the group. As with the child’s other challenging behaviour, he was trying to dominate – in this case my father – as he was trying to dominate me at home, and as he had been doing with his mother.

I would add that that child had some of the worst behavioural problems I have ever seen, but when he eventually learnt how carefree it was simply being a child, he turned into an absolute delight, cooperative but full of character.

If your child has become leader of the pack, he or she will be dominating every possible situation, overtly or less obviously. Be on the lookout for situations when this is happening and stop it. For example, do not let your child answer the house phone each and every time it rings. This too is a form of control, where he or she is monitoring, and in charge of, your phone calls. Your child can answer the phone when you ask him or her to. Likewise, I see no reason for a child ever to answer your mobile, which is personal to you, unless you are in the bathroom and you have asked your child to answer it as a favour to you.