Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (11 page)

If your child is behaving unacceptably as a result of his or her sadness and anger at your divorce, and you are becoming increasingly frustrated by the little improvement he or she seems to be making, then pick up the phone and discuss your concerns with your ex, or arrange to meet your ex and his or her partner. The chances are your ex will be experiencing similar negative behaviour from the child when he or she visits. You can talk about the strategies you are using, and the standard of behaviour you are trying to achieve. Enlisting the help of your ex to establish some common ground rules will also go some way to smoothing the possibly strained relationship that exists between you.

When the parent without custody has the children, the ‘Father Christmas syndrome’ often kicks in, with the absent parent giving outings, treats and presents, and being loath to discipline the children for fear of spoiling the little time they have together. Often the parent with custody has to work that much harder to keep the children on course. But remember that, as with bereavement, what wasn’t acceptable behaviour before your divorce still isn’t.

A parent losing their job will have a huge effect on the household, including any children. As with any family crisis, it has the potential to affect your child’s behaviour. Even if you try to shield your child, he or she will soon sense your worries, and become anxious, which may well come out in their behaviour. It is therefore essential to keep the boundaries and expectations in place, with the emphasis on reassuring your child.

Talk to your child about what has happened –
‘Daddy is at home a lot because he is looking for another job,’
or
‘Mummy is very quiet because she is upset at having to find another place to work.’
You will very likely have had a dramatic drop in income with redundancy, and it’s OK to explain to your child that money is short, without offloading on him or her how bad the situation really is
– ‘Claire, I’m afraid you won’t be able to have the new designer trainers/iPod/piano lessons at present, as we are having to be careful with money.’
Only confide in your child what is age appropriate: otherwise the child will fret and worry about something over which he or she has no control – i.e. the parent finding work. Despite what you might be feeling inside, reassure your child that you know what to do, are in control of the situation and are sorting it out. The child can’t find you or your partner another job, or manage the household budget, so don’t offload your own concerns on to them, or they will become even more anxious.

Moving house is very stressful for adults, even if they are moving upmarket to something better, but it can be disastrous for a child. There is a saying that you might have heard: ‘Children are like plants: they don’t thrive if moved.’ Having said that, it is often necessary or advantageous to move house, for any number of reasons. But don’t assume that because you are ecstatic at the extra space, luxury and fine views your new house offers your children will feel the same. The chances are they won’t – well, not for some time at least.

Children love familiarity and routine, and thrive on it. With the move, particularly if it is out of the area, they will have lost a lot of what is familiar and treasured as being safe and secure. For children of all ages, moving is unsettling.

Foster carer training often reminds us of the impact a move can have in respect of a child coming into care. Although the child is now in a place of safety, everything that was familiar has disappeared. The child will often pine for and become very angry about the loss of what he or she has left, even if it has been highly abusive. When a child first arrives, I spend a lot of time reassuring him or her about being in care, and I give a guided tour of the house, talking to them about the rooms, what each is used for and encouraging them to spend time just exploring.

Although your child will still have you and the security of your family, the change in surroundings is likely to be just as unsettling. Talk to your child about the proposed move before it happens, and include them in the moving process as much as possible. For example, when you visit your new house, perhaps to measure for curtains, you could take your child with you. If that is not practical, walk or drive by the house, or take photographs of the house and street so that your child becomes partially familiar with it before moving. Make sure your child understands the reasons for the move, and explain the process – how you pack up all your belongings in boxes and they are taken to your new home in a big van. Young children, after a move, often think they will be returning to their previous house, as if moving is like going on holiday. It can take many months before they fully appreciate that the new house is home and they are not going back to the old house.

If you have moved right out of the area, your child will have to adjust to a new school and make new friends. Don’t underestimate the impact these changes will have on your child, and be prepared for a backlash. Although your child’s new bedroom, or the garden, might be far superior to the old one, don’t be surprised if he or she brutally rejects it –
‘Don’t like it. Hate it. Hate you.’
And if you have had to downsize, possibly as a result of divorce or financial constraints, your child may well hold you personally responsible for their loss. Acknowledge their loss, Reassure them and include them – ‘I
know your room is a lot smaller, and this flat is smaller, but we will make it just as nice as our old home. Will you come and help me choose some paint?’

It will take months before the child feels anywhere near as secure and comfortable as he or she did in their previous home. I’ve had some personal experience of this. I had to move three times between the ages of six and ten because of my father’s work, and I can still remember the insecurity and the trauma of starting a new school, all these years on, despite all my parents did to make the moves go smoothly.

Whereas young children who have become unsettled by a move may become fractious, tearful and insecure – wanting to be in the same room as you all the time, for instance – older children (and it may surprise you just how old) can act out their insecurity through negative behaviour – being rude and challenging you. Although you should acknowledge what your child is going through, and give them lots of reassurance, moving is no excuse for their behaviour to deteriorate. Bad behaviour, as with all unacceptable behaviour, is best dealt with immediately, for it’s unlikely to disappear on its own, and will probably escalate.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine had to move to a smaller house, taking the last of her three children, who was still at home, with her. Her daughter was nineteen, and although the move meant she would be closer to her college, and that by using public transport she could still see her friends, you’d have thought the end of the world had come. She played up and acted out a treat, blaming her mother for everything that didn’t suit her and being very rude and confrontational. Her bedroom was too small (her mother swapped rooms so that her daughter had the larger one); she didn’t like the colour (her mother redecorated); the house was too far on the bus from her friends, so she couldn’t see them late in the evening (her mother bought her a car), and so on and so on. The daughter never once thanked her mother nor appreciated that the move was for their mutual benefit, as the lower rent meant there was more in the kitty for holidays etc. She rewarded her mother by refusing to speak to her, other than to criticise her, and began staying out all night, causing her mother further worry.

This went on for a whole year, leaving my friend very upset and feeling guilty, blaming herself for moving, although the move had been necessary. Eventually another friend pointed out to her that her daughter’s behaviour was unacceptable and that she (the mother) had no need to feel guilty, as she had acted in both their interests. There was quite a scene when my friend eventually found the courage to confront her daughter, who was by then appearing only to raid the fridge and collect clean clothes. My friend told her daughter that she appreciated that the move had been difficult for her but she wasn’t putting up with her unreasonable behaviour any longer. She gave her an ultimatum: toe the line or move out. Drastic, but it was a drastic situation, and at nearly twenty her daughter was quite capable of living independently.

The girl stormed out of the house without saying where she was going and disappeared for four days without contacting her mother, causing her even more worry. However, when she did return, having had time to reflect, she was a changed person. She apologised and settled down, and their relationship is even stronger now. My friend’s only regret is that she didn’t face up to, and deal with, the situation sooner, instead of letting it fester.

With world events now so accessible and immediate – coming into our homes through live television, the internet, radio and newspapers – it is as well to remember the impact that seeing a disaster has on us, and even more so on our children. At one time, before live coverage of world events, the most shocking pictures we saw were stills of starving children in Africa, usually shown to raise money for famine relief, which were shocking enough. Now, through satellite television, we witness disasters across the world as they unfold, with the effect that we are closer, more involved. They have greater impact and stress on us. Very little appears to be censored, and what isn’t captured by the film crew is supplemented by witnesses’ camera footage taken on mobile phones. Not only do we often see the disaster actually happening but the cameras are there, for days on end, working with rescue crews as they dig bodies out of rubble, examine wreckage of crashed aeroplanes or mangled cars; or with journalists as they talk to survivors of terrorist attacks, or grieving parents of missing or dead children. Much of this is everyday news and children watch the news.

The impact these disasters have on children is greater than on adults. Children haven’t yet developed the desensitisation that adults have in order to protect them and allow them to cope with this continuous onslaught on our emotions. After the events of 9/11 and the Boxing Day tsunami, counselling lines were set up for those who had been affected by what they had seen on television. The lines were very busy and many of the calls were from minors.

While it is important our children are aware of world events, what they see needs to be age appropriate, and they shouldn’t have to witness more than their young minds can cope with. Don’t hesitate to switch off the news (even if it’s the early evening news) if you feel it is too upsetting and beyond your child’s ability to cope.

One boy I fostered, who was ten at the time, became so unsettled by the Beslan school hostage siege (which he had seen on the five-thirty children’s news) that he didn’t want to go to school, feeling that a similar thing could happen there. It took a lot of talking and reassurance to convince him otherwise.

Your child will have questions about what they have seen on television. It is important you answer their questions age appropriately. Discuss what they have seen and put it in perspective, giving lots of reassurance. Tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions don’t, fortunately, happen every day; security has been tightened to prevent terrorist attack; travelling by plane remains one of the safest forms of travel; and you and your partner are safe drivers, so your child needn’t be concerned about an accident. The world we live in can be a very sad and difficult one and children shouldn’t have to cope with more than they are able, or they will become anxious, miserable and angry by carrying the weight of world suffering.

Any sudden or dramatic change in your child’s behaviour should be a warning that something is wrong and you need to find out what. Here are some possibilities, although the list is by no means complete:

It is essential you take whatever time is necessary to find the cause of your child’s problem; then talk about it, be supportive and understanding, and give plenty of reassurance. But remember that whatever the reason, it is not an excuse for unacceptable or rude behaviour; it won’t help solve the problem or crisis, and will result in you both feeling upset, angry and frustrated. Keep in place the routine and boundaries as you work through any crisis together.

In a perfect world, the perfect family, with two parents and a throng of happy children, live together in harmony, with all the siblings playing happily alongside each other, sharing and being cooperative. In reality, raising two or more children can stretch parents to the limit, especially if the siblings are continuously bickering or even fighting. Some disagreement between siblings is natural and indeed positive, as it can teach the art of negotiation, which is required throughout life. But if your children go at it ‘hammer and tongs’ as soon as you leave the room, as well as draining your resources and creating a hostile atmosphere, it can make disciplining them more difficult. The techniques described in this book for guiding one child to acceptable behaviour can be successfully applied to siblings, but must be applied equally and fairly to all the children – natural, adopted, fostered and step. Much sibling rivalry stems from one child believing he or she is less important than another.