Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (22 page)

If a child has been diagnosed with a behavioural condition, or you think your child has one from the behaviour he or she exhibits, use the techniques in this book to put in place boundaries, and re-read the chapter on turning around a difficult child. If a psychologist is involved, you will be working together, and you and your child may be offered counselling, which can be a useful source of comfort and support as you journey through this very difficult time. As with ADHD, pay particular attention to your child’s diet, exchanging processed food for fresh, removing as many additives as you can, and if necessary adding an omega-3 supplement. And take care of yourself. It is exhausting and upsetting caring for a child who is continually challenging you. Recognise that and take time out.

Sometimes called manic depression, bipolar disorder is characterised by extreme mood swings, where the sufferer can go from being incredibly elated and excited to severely depressed. Bipolar sufferers often become very frustrated and angry, and can direct their anger at their loved ones. It is thought that between 1–2 per cent of the population could have bipolar disorder, and usually the symptoms first appear in the teenage years. Recent research has linked bipolar disorder with ADHD. If you suspect your child has it, then seek medical help.

As with any condition that manifests itself through behaviour, there is plenty you can do to manage the young person’s anger. Anger and stress are often linked in bipolar disorder, and teaching the young person relaxation techniques, as well as giving them support and the security that comes from a clear routine and boundaries, can help them immensely.

This is a condition found in children who did not successfully bond with their parent or care giver in the very important early years, usually as a result of severe neglect. There is a prevalence of attachment disorders in adopted and fostered children, and this condition has come to the public’s attention as a result of the adoptions from Eastern European orphanages. Despite all the care, love and attention of the adoptive parents, some of these children have failed to bond, and have developed very negative and challenging behaviour. The disorder occurs as a result of the child having learnt early that the world is unsafe, adults cannot be trusted and that he or she must take care of his own needs in order to survive. Unsurprisingly anger results and the child has an overriding need to be in control to stay safe.

The severity of such a disorder varies. An attachment disorder shows on a brain scan as dark areas of inactivity in the brain where the child has literally missed out. Symptoms include:

A child with a diagnosed attachment disorder will almost certainly receive therapy. The parents or carers work with the therapist to undo the harm of the early years and to help the child to bond, as well as managing and correcting the child’s unacceptable behaviour. Strategies in this book will help enormously to modify behaviour, together with the advice and guidance of the therapist.

Puberty is the start of adolescence and begins earlier now than it did in previous generations. The average age for girls is twelve, and for boys, thirteen. But this is only an average and 5 per cent of girls will have started their periods by the time they leave primary school. In many countries children transfer up to secondary school at the same time as they are having to deal with the onset of puberty – a double measure of change and uncertainty, which is often reflected in children’s behaviour.

Your child’s physical and emotional characteristics will change dramatically between the ages of twelve and fifteen, as his or her body is subjected to a massive rush of hormones, affecting appearance and mood. In addition, scientists now know from brain scans that the brain ‘rewires’ in adolescence, changing and developing as much during the early teens as it did when the child was a toddler. Never again will there be so many alterations and transformations going on in the mind of your son or daughter. Little wonder that a stranger can suddenly appear in your house, having more in common with an alien from Mars than the child you once knew.

If it is confusing for you to meet this new and not always convivial young person, it is even more confusing for the child. Your son or daughter will be having to come to terms with not only all the astonishing changes in his or her body but also complex changes in thoughts and feelings (and therefore character), which not even he or she will understand. To make matters worse, children have growth spurts during this time (unprecedented since babyhood), which the brain takes a while to recognise and accommodate. This is why young teens can often become very clumsy – they literally don’t know where their bodies end, so will reach for a glass based on where they thought their arm ended, only to find they have already reached it and knocked it over.

As they adapt and rediscover themselves, pre-teen and early teen children are continuously experimenting with new approaches and ideas, a bit as if they are trying on new clothes in a shop to see if they fit and suit. Much of what they ‘try on’ they will reject as not appropriate for them. But in trying on these new ‘garments’ and testing their effect, they will also often be testing you – sometimes knowingly and at other times inadvertently. In addition, in Western society there is a compulsion for teens to rebel, which isn’t present in many African or Asian cultures. Teenager culture now has a unique and well-defined status, with a code and practice of its own. It covers many aspects of a teen’s life, from how to speak and dress, to music, attitude and ambition. Some of this will sit happily alongside your lifestyle and family values, with minimal disruption; other aspects won’t, with the potential for conflict.

The pre-teen and early teen stage can so easily become a battleground, with both teen and parents struggling for control and to understand each other. Even the most capable, understanding and loving of parents will experience some disturbance in the household as their children work through this time of change and uncertainty. I like to look upon it as a type of metamorphosis, where the green caterpillar of childhood disappears into the dark and secret cocoon of the teenager, finally to emerge as a beautiful adult butterfly.

Because the child’s body is quickly developing into adulthood, and they are craving more independence, there is a great temptation to assume the child is more mature than they are and therefore give more responsibility for decision making than he or she has the life skills to deal with. However, while they are morphing, children of this age need some very clear guidelines and boundaries. Patience, understanding and firmness are crucial during this time, and into the later teens.

Before looking at the main areas that can give rise to conflict, with suggestions on how to deal with these situations, here are the basic dos and don’ts – the golden rules – for managing pre-teen and early teen behaviour.

Respect privacy
Privacy is very important for a child of this age. Respect it, and make sure your son or daughter respects yours. Knock, if their bedroom door is closed, before going in. Don’t read your child’s letters, emails or texts, listen to their phone conversations, spy on them or search their room or bags, unless you have grave concerns for your child’s safety. And don’t give them the third degree every time they return home from seeing their friends – they will resent it. Trust their judgement unless they have given you cause not to.

Hear their views
Your child will have a lot of views at this age, about lots of things, and will want to express them, using you and your partner as ‘sounding boards’. Some of what your teen tells you as fact will be absolute nonsense. One teenage girl I fostered announced categorically that she couldn’t wash her hair while she had a period as it would make her ill, while a teenage boy once told me that the earth changed the direction of its rotation every year, with such conviction that I went online and checked. (It doesn’t, of course.)

Listen to what your child says, and always take his or her view seriously. If you know what they are saying is wrong or misguided, gently explain what is generally held to be true, consigning it to someone else if necessary – ‘I
heard on the radio that …’
or ‘I
was reading an article that said …’

Communicate
Keep the pathways of communication open, no matter how difficult it is. When your teen talks to you, a single grunt usually means yes, while a deeper grunt accompanied with a sigh can be taken as no. Ask for your son or daughter’s opinion about anything that might elicit a response – world events, a new dress you’ve bought, the poodle’s new hair cut; and ask about his or her day at school, or evening with a friend, but don’t pry.

Praise
Praise your son or daughter, as much if not more than you did when they were young. A drop in self-confidence and poor body image is the blight of many pre-teens and early teens. Praise them each day; even if you have had a bad time (with their seeming to relish confrontation) still find something good to say about them or what they have done. Although they are unlikely to acknowledge your praise, other than with a grunt, they will hear and appreciate it.

Don’t criticise
Children of this age are very sensitive to criticism, often seeing and feeling it even where there is none intended. If your child’s behaviour is unacceptable and needs altering, or your child has made a really bad decision, don’t criticise them personally and explode with
‘How stupid can one person be!’
Instead, temper it to ‘I
don’t think that was the best option, do you, Tom?’
or
‘Claire, I know you are annoyed, but please don’t speak to me like that.’

Guide
Steer your child to the correct decision, and confirm that they got it right with praise and acknowledgment. Children of this age need guidance more than ever; it’s just that they don’t always realise they do. Don’t be tempted to ‘throw in the towel’ and give in –
‘All right! Do it your way then! And you’ll see I’m right!’
If it is something quite minor and safe, like the best method of making shortcrust pastry, then they can be left to get on with it and learn from their mistakes. But if it’s something major that can affect their well-being, then your young teen needs to accept your guidance. Explain why, and use the 3Rs to see it through. Request –
‘Tom, I do not want you using that footpath through the park when you come home from Pete’s. It isn’t safe after dark.’
If Tom persists in this unsafe behaviour, Repeat your Request. If he does it again, Reaffirm with the warning of the sanction –
‘Tom, I am concerned for your safety. If you continue to use that path after dark you’ll have to come home while it’s still light, or I’ll come and collect you
.’ Tom values his independence and won’t want you there.

Maintain family time
Keep family time, and go on outings (despite your teen’s grumbles), just as you did when they were little. Doing this helps cement family relationships and bonding, and reduces confrontation and rebelliousness. However, you might have to adjust the extent of your child’s participation. While you took your five-year-old to visit Granny twice a week, visiting that often might not be appropriate for a twelve-year-old who has homework and club activities – fortnightly might be more practical.

Give responsibility
Give your son or daughter age-appropriate responsibility and encourage self-reliance so that he or she gradually develops the life skills on which to base his or her own (sensible) decisions. The level of maturity reached and life skills acquired at this age vary from child to child, so while it might be appropriate to put a saw in the hand of one thirteen-year-old and ask him or her to saw up logs for the fire, it might not be wise to ask another more impetuous child.

Maintain safety
Keep your son or daughter safe. At this age children assume they are safe, and will always be safe, without making any objective risk assessment of the situation. A young teen can sometimes show an astonishing disregard for danger and indulge in very unsafe behaviour, and look totally amazed when you point out that they are at risk. At this age teens are still very naïve, and while they believe they know how to stay safe, they often don’t – they are only just out of childhood and haven’t the life experience to recognise danger in situations which is obvious to adults. When you are met with an indignant
‘But Mum! I’m thirteen!’
in response to something you have asked your child to do, or not do, you can reply,
‘Yes, I know, love, and you are growing fast, but I am not happy about you coming home alone on the bus after dark
[or whatever it is].
I don’t think it’s safe.’
And don’t be persuaded otherwise. You are not being over-protective but making a reasonable judgement based on years of experience.