Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (18 page)

As in the case of the step-parent who is tested by his or her stepchild, dealing with testing is about reassuring the child. You are proving to the child that you care enough to make sure he or she does the right thing. Ignoring bad behaviour can so easily seem the easier option in the early days, but don’t be tempted to go down that path, or you will be storing up trouble for later. Once you and the child have worked through a difficult period, the child will be reassured that no matter how dreadful his or her behaviour is you will still be there for him or her, loving and caring as you always are.

In my experience testing usually begins between the second and fourth week. It is at this point the child and the family have relaxed into being with each other and are no longer all on their ‘best behaviour’. The testing period can last for months, especially if left unchecked. However, the worst can be over with in two weeks if you establish your authority and control, using the 3Rs.

During a difficult period, enlist and utilise the help of all family members, including your natural children and any other children you may have living with you. Having a child for a long or permanent stay is a whole-family affair, and it is important that you all work together through the ‘bad’ times as well as all enjoying the good times.

Thousands of readers emailed me after the publication of my fostering memoirs, and one comment was repeated time and time again: what an asset my children were in coping with the sometimes very aggressive and disturbed behaviour of the children we fostered. I must admit that because Adrian, Lucy and Paula had grown up with fostering, and indeed Lucy was a foster child whom I adopted, I took their input largely for granted. The readers’ comments made me realise just what a valuable role they played in fostering, particularly when a child was very challenging, and I took a moment to tell them and thank them. Not only can all family members be a valuable source of encouragement and support, but they can make you that much-needed cup of tea and keep an eye on the child while you take five minutes’ quiet time when your resources are low.

However, never let a child take responsibility for disciplining another child, even if the child is much younger. Discipline should always be the domain of the adult carer. Children can encourage the child to acceptable behaviour through example and reminders, and obviously play with the child, but not discipline them.

Often a foster or adopted child will bond with and confide in another child before they do so with the adult carer. Make the most of what your family has to offer, and don’t forget to give your own child or children that extra hug in acknowledgement of the difficult time you are all going through, and that you appreciate their help and support.

Being allowed to look after someone else’s child is a very special and precious gift, but it also carries huge responsibility – in some respects even more so than looking after one’s own. For a child to be living with you long term or permanently means a catastrophe has befallen the child’s natural family, with the result that he or she can no longer live with their parents. The child will be carrying a burden of tragedy and the anxiety of separation, while being expected to make huge adjustments to fit in with the new family, and eventually transfer affection. It is little wonder that the child can be angry, confused and upset. On the whole children cope remarkably well. Indeed the courage and inner strength that children displaced from their natural families can show is incredible. Even after twenty years of fostering, I am still in awe of and respect their remarkable achievements. I doubt I would have coped so well.

Teachers, nursery nurses, nannies and childminders are all responsible for children on a daily basis in a professional capacity. Of these professionals, teachers probably face the biggest challenges, as they try to educate what are often unruly classes. Apart from the children’s parents, teachers have the greatest influence in shaping young and impressionable minds. What adult, no matter how old they are, doesn’t remember at least one teacher – either out of respect or admiration, or for their sheer quirkiness? It is truly an awesome role, where discipline and education are inextricably bound, both for the advancement of the child and for functioning of the class as a whole.

Gone are the days when children sat silent and upright in neat rows, in awe of their teacher. Gone too (thank goodness) in most countries are the cane and other methods of corporal punishment. Now the teacher must rely largely on his or her authoritative presence for discipline, which in effect means what he or she says and does in their role as a teacher. But teacher training doesn’t always address the art of discipline as much as it should, particularly in respect of controlling a whole class. It seems to rely heavily on the individual teacher’s innate charisma and ability for crowd control, rather than giving clear and instructive guidelines on establishing and upholding discipline and boundaries.

I am not so presumptuous as to believe that I can supplant teacher training and experience and tell teachers how to teach. Nor am I so naïve as to believe that I can address all the behavioural issues a teacher is likely to face in the duration of their career. But as an experienced foster carer, often looking after children with very challenging behaviour, I work closely with schools, and am often asked to advise teachers and teaching assistants about the techniques I use for managing children’s difficult behaviour. As a result I have spent long periods in classrooms where I have witnessed many of the challenges teachers face. The strategies here are based on my observations and experience and have their roots in the 3Rs technique.

Your presence as a teacher – that is, the way you present yourself – is the way the individual child or class will perceive you. As with a parent (or carer) presenting him or herself to a challenging child, so your presence needs to be positive, immediate, obvious and authoritative. You should stand tall and upright, shoulders back, head held high, voice even and firm, and look at the class, scanning the children for eye contact. A teacher who is trying to gain the class’s attention while rummaging in his or her briefcase for a marker pen is more likely to be ignored. If you want the class’s attention, give it yours, by standing at the front and addressing the class with an authoritative posture and voice. This way you will show that you are the leader of the pack and the children will follow your leadership while they are in school.

As a carer or parent I would never start to address a child or children before I had their complete attention – experience has taught me that if do I am very likely to be ignored. Make sure you have all of the class’s attention before you speak. Because of tight timetabling there is a temptation for teachers to start lessons when they have the majority of the class’s attention. Don’t, because if you haven’t 100 per cent attention it will be the child who is still talking or fiddling who will cause disruption later. If anyone starts to talk while you are speaking, take a meaningful pause and wait for silence before continuing. A poignant and well-timed pause, together with a disapproving expression, can work wonders in underlining your authoritative presence, both in a one-to-one situation or when dealing with the whole class.

Walk between the desks or tables as you talk and give a lesson, or while the children are working, rather than remaining at the front. Moving between the children makes your presence immediate, obvious and continuous, so the children are less likely to lose concentration and become disruptive than if you sit at your desk and mark.

Always speak calmly but firmly, whether you are addressing an individual child or the whole class. If you shout, or even scream, which some teachers do regularly, apart from losing control you will be setting a poor example to the children in your care. Shouting can also be very frightening for more sensitive children and those who experience it at home. Use voice modulation – i.e. vary the strength, tone or pitch of your voice – for full effect, but don’t raise your voice above an acceptable level. If you usually use a normal speaking voice to address the class (or individual), then if you raise your voice slightly to regain attention or for discipline it will have greater effect. If you shout the whole time, not only will it be ineffective but the children will be more likely to shout too.
‘I’m waiting for quiet, class,’
said in a firm and slightly higher tone, together with an authoritative posture, will be far more effective, and command respect.

Start each lesson afresh and assume positive behaviour, both from the class and individual members. Because you had a shocking time with 5H, or little Jimmy, on Thursday afternoon, don’t assume it will be repeated on Friday morning, or else very likely it will. If you send the message, through your body language and the way you speak, that you are expecting trouble, then the message will very likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy and trouble will be what you get. Be positive yourself, assume that all the children will behave positively and deal with disruptions on an individual and one-off basis, as and when they occur.

When meeting a class for the first few times, be pleasant but firm, and slightly aloof. This will help you establish your separateness and therefore authoritative presence. If I am going to foster a child with very challenging behaviour I put a bit of psychological distance between us at the first meeting, which encourages the child’s respect. You can always ease up later, but to begin with, while you are getting to know the class and all its members, make sure they are in awe of you.

Likewise don’t be over-familiar with individual children or the class as a whole. It is a big mistake (and one I have often witnessed in the classroom) to try to be the children’s friend and equal. You are the teacher, and will never be the children’s friend, although you can be warm and approachable. And don’t let the children be familiar with you. Some children can easily cross the boundary into familiarity and it is a form of control. If a child asks you how old you are, where you live or what you did last night, deflect the enquiry with a smile or ask them a question. Your private life is private, and it’s not a child’s place to ask an adult, particularly a teacher, for personal details. Even at home, there are some things my children don’t need to know about me or what I do.

Don’t touch a child unless you are administering first aid or comforting a child who is upset. Nothing oversteps the boundaries into familiarity more quickly than a well-meaning pat on the shoulder. And don’t let a child touch you, for the same reasons. Distance equals respect in the teacher-pupil situation and should always be maintained, even if it is your natural manner to touch people as you speak.

If a child is very challenging, possibly with a reputation for physical assault, put more distance between you and the child than you would do normally. As well as protecting you physically, it enhances your personal space, which underlines your authority. I had to deal with an incident recently when a supply teacher bent down to discipline a child I was looking after and received a thump on the nose. The child’s behaviour was inexcusable, but the regular teacher knew (from years of experience) not to put himself in that vulnerable position.

Always stand when addressing a child who is challenging you, so that you are physically higher than the child, which emphasises your authority, as well as being safer for you. If you are disciplining a teenager who towers over you, have them seated while you stand. Being ‘taller’ than the child means that the child has to look up to you, and if he or she is looking up to you physically, he or she will be more inclined to look up to you psychologically.

Use the 3Rs (as described throughout this book) to see through your Requests, whether you are dealing with an individual child who is proving very difficult or a whole class refusing to settle. Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, with a sanction if necessary, which should be in line with the school policy on sanctions.

Deal with all incidents of unacceptable behaviour as they arise, and impose appropriate sanctions as soon as possible after the incident. It might be that the whole class stays in at break time or one or two children do. Don’t issue idle threats. If you do, individual children and the whole class will very quickly realise that you don’t implement your sanctions, resulting in loss of your credibility. Only threaten to keep children in at break time if you are willing to sacrifice your break to see it through.

Obviously, verbally praise positive behaviour, and give rewards in accordance with the school’s system of team points etc. And don’t forget to praise the child who beavers away at the back of the class, getting on quietly with his or her work and not demanding attention.

Use the closed choice for a child who is very challenging and not doing as asked. It works in school just as it does at home, but I would not use it with the whole class, as you are unlikely to get a consensus of opinion.

Although it is obviously a basic rule for managing children’s behaviour that bad behaviour is never rewarded, it can happen unintentionally, particularly when a teacher (or teaching assistant) is dealing with a very difficult child week after week. Disruptive children are often placated, either in the classroom or outside it, by giving them different, more appealing tasks to do – for example, drawing or going on the computer – rather than completing the work the class has been set. One child I looked after who was very challenging at school was regularly kept occupied in the art room after he had been removed from the class for disruptive behaviour. This gave him the clear message that if he played up he could paint. If a child has to be removed from the classroom, then give them the same work as the class, and if he or she refuses to do the work, don’t offer an alternative but impose a sanction.