Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (17 page)

Make sure your affection, attention and time are divided equally and fairly between your stepchildren: clearly you mustn’t show favouritism, no matter how difficult one child may be compared to the other children.

Being fair will obviously also apply if you have children of your own living with you as part of your stepfamily. If you have children who live with your ex, make sure the same boundaries for good behaviour apply when your children visit you and your stepfamily. Double standards will be spotted by all the children, but especially by your natural children if they live apart from you, as they will (understandably) be feeling resentful that you spend more time with your stepchildren than you do with them, even if they have a very good relationship with their own stepparent.

Stepfamilies can be incredibly complicated, especially when one or both parents have children from more than one marriage, but the same age-appropriate boundaries for good behaviour and techniques for managing behaviour that we have looked at earlier should be applied to all. There is a tendency for parents to be stricter with their own children than with stepchildren, which comes from confidence and familiarity. Be aware of this when you are all together, and always be consistent and fair. If your own children live with your ex, then spend some time with them away from your new home and family – they will need this ‘special’ treatment to redress the balance of your absence. As you are sensitive to and respect the role of your stepchildren’s absent parent, so too be aware of your ex and his or her new partner – they will be struggling and coming to terms with the creation of their new family unit, just as you are with yours.

If any of the children – natural children or stepchildren – show challenging behaviour, do not immediately jump to the conclusion that it is a result of the family situation, i.e. being your stepchild or having a step-parent. It could be for reasons unconnected with the stepfamily, and you and/or your partner will need to spend time talking to the child to find out what the problem is. As with all children who suddenly exhibit challenging behaviour, hear alarm bells and investigate. Perhaps the child is being bullied at school or is worried about forthcoming exams. Don’t assume that the child now being in a stepfamily is the reason for his or her challenging behaviour; nevertheless, be sensitive to the fact that it might be.

Discipline must always take place in the context of respect, love and affection, and you should develop these with your stepchildren while maintaining your bonds with your own children, who may be living away from you. The rules for good behaviour and the strategies for managing behaviour that we have looked at in this book apply to all children – natural children and stepchildren. Be consistent, clear, firm, patient and loving; and with the new stepfamily, allow time.

Last but not least, don’t neglect the relationship you have with your partner: invest time and privacy in building and strengthening your bond. Your partnership is crucial to the family and ultimately its success will be responsible for the success, happiness and longevity of your stepfamily.

A stepfamily is not the only family situation where an adult takes on the responsibility for parenting children other then their own. Members of the extended family – grandparents, aunts, older brothers or sisters – or a close family friend sometimes assume the role,
in loco parentis,
as do foster carers and adoptive parents. The arrangement may be short or long term, or permanent, and in the case of adoptive parents they become the child’s/children’s legal parents, having all the rights and responsibilities the law affords natural parents.

In the UK at any one time there will be over 100,000 children being parented by adults who are not their birth parents; in the USA there are over 600,000. As well as providing for the child’s/children’s physical needs – a home, clothing, food and warmth – you will be meeting the child’s emotional needs – for love, attention, affection, empathy – and of course giving guidance and discipline. This is not always easy if the child is older and arrives with preconceived ideas and a package of behaviour already in place. This chapter gives suggestions and strategies for looking after children who are not your birth children, whether for a few days or permanently.

You may find yourself parenting a child who is not your own as a result of any of a number of reasons – death or illness of one or both parents, neglect or abuse by the parents, the parents’ inability to look after the child, a parent’s committal to prison, or possibly the child has been sent to live with you by a relative in another country to give the child the chance for a better life. In the UK, if someone else’s child lives with you continuously for twenty-eight days or longer then it is known as a private fostering arrangement and you are legally bound to notify the social services that the child is with you; failure to do so is an offence. This is to safeguard the child, but it is also advantageous to you as the carer, because it opens up support, both financial and through help and advice, to which you would not otherwise have had access.

Whether the child is with you for a short time, as in the case of a parent going into hospital, or for longer, and for whatever reason, the child will still need a clear routine, guidance and boundaries. If the child is with you for a few weeks and will be returning to the natural parents, then continue, as much as possible, with the routine and boundaries that have already been put in place by the parents, and which the child is used to. Not only will this familiarity help settle the child into your home, but it will encourage a smooth transition when the child returns to live with his or her parents.

All children will become unsettled to some degree by living away from home, even if it is to stay with doting grandparents or a kindly aunt, and the child may be quieter than usual, or even withdrawn. Reassure the child by answering any questions he or she may have about their parents’ absence, and keep the child happily occupied and in company – a child who is alone, with little to occupy them, is more likely to brood and fret. Some children will show separation anxiety through their behaviour: for example, the darling grandson whose usual visits on alternate Sundays you cherish may suddenly turn into a demanding, whining and confrontational horror when he comes to stay with you for a week. Reassure him, but be firm, continuing with the boundaries and guidelines his parents have put in place, using the 3Rs.

If necessary, add reasonable boundaries and guidelines of your own, which apply in your house. It is quite acceptable to say,
‘Tom, I’m sorry, I know you’re allowed to
[do whatever it is]
at home, but I’m afraid you can’t here,’
and explain why. Your home is different from Tom’s and it is reasonable that there will be some differences in routine and expectations; Tom won’t expect everything to be the same.

Don’t allow Tom (or Claire) to flaunt the rules, even if their stay is short. Doing so will make it more difficult for you to revive your rules on any subsequent stay the child might make, and is also unhelpful to the parents, who will suffer the consequences of the drop in the standard of behaviour when the child returns to them. Ensure that the boundaries for good behaviour remain in place, using the 3Rs, and not only will the child respect you but the parents will be grateful that their child has returned to them with the same good behaviour as when they left.

Even if the child is only living with you for a ‘one-off’ short period, correct behaviour is important – a week will seem like an eternity if the child is out of control.

When I first began fostering, many years ago, I looked after children on a ‘respite’ basis. This could be anything from a weekend to a month, and it was to give the child’s parents or permanent carers a break. I naively approached this respite care in the mistaken belief that there wouldn’t be any behavioural issues, as the children, ‘guests’ in my house, would be on their best behaviour. I was soon proved wrong. Far from the children being on their best behaviour, they saw the change in routine and boundaries as an opportunity to overturn all they had learned and give me a hard time.

Now, I always make sure I have a clear understanding of the routine and rules for good behaviour that the child is used to, and I uphold these, making any adjustment necessary for the child to fit into my household. The child therefore knows the expectations of routine and boundaries, and everyone, including the child, enjoys their stay.

If Tom (or Claire) is being very challenging, then you can draw on what you know is allowed and acceptable behaviour in the child’s home to uphold your discipline –
‘Tom, you don’t speak to your mother like that and neither do you speak to me like that. Do you understand?’
This strengthens your position by reminding Tom of what he knows to be acceptable behaviour, as laid down by his parents, which in turn reinforces your authority. Tom will realise that his parents and you
(in loco parentis)
have the same principles and guidelines for good behaviour, to which you all expect him to adhere. However, don’t say to Tom
‘I’ll tell your dad/mum if you do that again’,
as this will undermine your authority by giving Tom the message that you are relying on his parents for the discipline that you cannot effect.

It may be that a child comes to stay with you regularly for short periods, so that it becomes a ‘home from home’ situation. In some respects this will be easier for you and the child. With each stay, you will both feel more relaxed and confident, and the child will know your routine and expected standards of behaviour.

However, this familiarity also has the potential for the child to use it to test the boundaries, so be prepared for a possible deterioration in behaviour when the arrangement has been in place for a while. Tom or Claire might have been absolute angels during their first three stays, and then on their next their behaviour could suddenly change, as they overstep the boundaries and challenge you. In fostering we call the first few weeks the ‘honeymoon period’, after which a child’s behaviour often deteriorates and they begin to test the boundaries. Be sure to keep the boundaries for good behaviour in place, as described above.

If you are going to look after a child who you know has behavioural difficulties, then it is all the more important to put in place firm and consistent boundaries straightaway. If the child is with you for a short period, it is unlikely you will be able to make any lasting improvement, although it can be surprising how quickly some children respond, given the right climate of expectations in behaviour.

It is also surprising just how much the child can take with them, and remember. Recently I met a lad of fourteen whom I’d fostered for a week’s respite when he was eight. I was astonished when he greeted me: he remembered not only my name but the details of the week he’d spent with us six years previously. Fortunately he remembered his stay for all the right reasons and said how much he’d enjoyed it. At the time he’d been very challenging and I remembered I’d had to be very firm. It just goes to show that even in a very short time you can do some good.

If you are parenting a child either long term (more than twenty-eight days) or permanently (for example by adopting), then the social services will have been involved at some point, and may still be. You should have been made aware of the child’s history, if you didn’t already know it, and any special needs, which will help you to settle the child into your family.

The honeymoon period I mentioned earlier is likely to have an even greater impact in such circumstances. All members of your family, and the child, will be aware that the child is going to live with you for a long time, and all of you will be desperately wanting everything to be perfect and trying to make it so. The child’s behaviour in the early weeks is likely to be exemplary as he or she seeks to ingratiate him or herself into your family and win your love and attention. In return you and your family will be going out of your way to welcome and include the child, trying to compensate for the fact that the child is not able to live with his or her own parents, and possibly over-compensating. This is only natural, but the ‘high’ cannot last for ever, and after the initial euphoria of the honeymoon period, routine and familiarity will set in and the child will start to test you and your boundaries. As with all testing, this will be the child’s effort to confirm that you really do love him or her, and will love him long term, no matter how difficult his or her behaviour.

Foster carers often arrive at a support group meeting singing the praises of a child who has just gone to live with them, and who has a reputation for very challenging behaviour but appears to be an angel. A month later they are exhausted, at their wit’s end, and unable to equate the child with whom they are now dealing with the one who first arrived. I’ve experienced this dramatic change in a child’s behaviour many times, and am now prepared for the ‘backlash’. If you are looking after a child whose behaviour seems too good to be true, then the chances are it probably is. A child can only internalise pain for so long; then it has to come out.

When the child first arrives, explain your household routine, and put in place the boundaries for good behaviour. Don’t wait until the situation deteriorates before you start. Remember: Request, Repeat and Reaffirm. Make the most of the honeymoon period as a time for you and your family to bond with the child while you have his or her cooperation – it will form a sound basis on which to work later when the child starts to test you. It will come as a shock to you the first time you have to apply a sanction for unacceptable behaviour to a child who has previously been well behaved, but it is essential you do so. This is the first big step in consolidating the relationship between you and the child.