Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (12 page)
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Authors: Cathy Glass
The reasons why siblings behave unacceptably and fight between themselves can be grouped as follows:
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Favouritism:
a child feels a sibling (or siblings) receives more time and attention or is disciplined less, and is therefore loved more by the parents.
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Jealousy:
a child is jealous of a new arrival – baby or stepbrother/sister.
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Physical factors:
children who are bored, hungry or tired are more likely to become fractious and fight.
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Resentment:
a child feels worthless when their achievements are compared to those of a sibling.
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Discipline:
in families where there is little routine, poor boundaries and control, children are more likely to bicker and fight.
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Attention:
siblings who are not given enough attention, either together or individually, are more likely to resort to bad behaviour to gain attention.
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Example:
if parents argue and fight, the children will too.
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Unfair responsibility:
if an older child is asked to take on too much responsibility for parenting younger children, resentment can build up.
Here are the golden rules for creating a positive environment in which all the children in the family feel valued. If each child feels recognised and valued as an individual (as an only child would feel), there will be less likelihood of resentment building and spilling out into anger, towards other siblings or the parents.
Don’t compare your children with each other.
Comments such as
‘Tom always clears up his room/does his homework. Why don’t you, Claire?’
will build up resentment more quickly than anything.
Don’t label a child
–
‘Tom has always been difficult/Claire’s very self-centred’:
the label will stick.
Don’t give an older child too much responsibility for another child:
both children will resent it.
Don’t have favourites
or show favouritism, no matter how difficult one child is being.
Don’t tell your daughter you were hoping for a son,
or vice versa.
Don’t make fun of a child in front of siblings
or employ siblings to side with you when disciplining –
‘Isn’t Tom’s behaviour silly, Claire?’,
won’t help your discipline, your relationship with Tom or Tom and Claire’s relationship with each other.
Don’t tell your children that their behaviour is uncontrollable,
either individually or as a group, – ‘I
don’t know what to do with you all!’
will seem to them like an achievement and engender more negative behaviour.
Do treat all children as individuals and equals;
if you are prone to favouritism, keep a check on it.
Do spend one-to-one time with each child,
as well as spending time with the children all together.
Do spend time each day playing with the children
so that they can see you having fun with them. It doesn’t have to be long if you are over-stretched – a board game, painting or game of catch in the garden works wonders for team building.
Do eat dinner together
at the table every evening.
Do listen to, talk to and discuss with each child individually
as well as with the children altogether.
Do have regular family outings.
They don’t have to be expensive – a trip to the park to feed the ducks with stale bread is just as valuable an experience as an expensive visit to a theme park.
They won’t all be good at everything,
but all will be good at something.
Do guide and discipline your children,
using the 3Rs, equally and fairly, all the time. If it’s not OK for Tom to slurp his drink at the table on Monday, Claire needs to be told about not slurping her drink when she does it on Wednesday. And if teenage Tom has to be in at nine o’clock and has £10 pocket money, so too does Claire.
Difficult Children
There is a growing feeling in most Western societies that, with each new generation, children are becoming increasingly self-centred, demanding and out of control, and that we are heading for disaster. The current generation is often depicted as being rich in material comforts but deficient in empathy and respect for others, including their parents. Criminal damage by minors is on the increase, with the age of the offenders getting younger – in 2006, 3,000 children in the UK below the age of ten were ‘arrested’ for serious offences.
Post-war liberal parenting – where parents have been encouraged to take their cues from the child as the child knew best, and discipline was a dirty word – is often held responsible for this deterioration. Although no one would want to return to the Victorian ‘children should be seen and not heard’ dictum, without doubt many parents are now suffering from the effect of a too liberal style of child rearing, which had few boundaries and left the parents feeling guilty for correcting their child. As parents we naturally want to do our best for our children and follow professional advice. It is only with hindsight that we can view our oversights and mistakes.
Although you can’t turn back the clock and make your child a baby and start all over again physically, you can change unacceptable behaviour – by setting clear and consistent boundaries, using the 3Rs. Many of the children I have fostered have come to me with appalling behaviour and I have successfully wiped clean the slate and started again. Even if your child is not completely out of control but there is a lot of room for improvement, this chapter is for you.
So what constitutes behavioural difficulties or a child out of control, and does it apply to your child? Behavioural difficulties usually build up over many years and will include some, possibly all, of the following.
Your child:
* refuses to do as he or she is asked within a reasonable time
* is verbally rude, answers back, talks over you, interrupts, doesn’t listen, demands rather than asks
* walks away when you are talking, covers his or her ears or makes a loud noise when you are talking
* shouts, screams, throws things or has tantrums when his or her demands are not immediately met
* satisfies his or her own needs to the exclusion of others’
* dominates you, your partner, siblings and friends
* manipulates or threatens you or others – with verbal or physical aggression
* in older children, displays antisocial behaviour including stealing, vandalism, drug and alcohol abuse.
All children display challenging behaviour sometimes, but you will know the difference between the occasional refusal of a child testing the boundaries, and a child who has severe behavioural difficulties and who is out of control. There is one overriding factor which governs all of such a child’s actions, and which you probably realised but didn’t like to admit: he or she is in charge and dominating you through their unacceptable behaviour – they have become ‘top dog’ and leader of the pack.
Apart from challenging and governing you through their shocking behaviour there will be other less obvious signs that your child is out of your control and in charge:
* The child pushes ahead of you to go through a door first.
* He or she sits on the seat in the lounge where you were about to sit, so you have to sit somewhere else.
* He or she speaks first when you meet your friends in the street.
* They always answer the door, house phone and even your mobile.
* They question you and need to know what is going on the whole time – you have no privacy.
* Your meals are based on what the child wants, to avoid scenes.
* Family gatherings are dominated by the child and you are on tenterhooks to keep them happy to avoid a scene.
* You find you have modified your own behaviour and the activities of the family to accommodate the child.
* You find yourself making excuses for the child’s behaviour.
A child who is out of control won’t be continuously throwing bricks through windows; they don’t have to. They are in charge and everyone works to their agenda.
The first thing to do is to get the child back into their place in the hierarchy, as a child: one who follows and is directed, not leader of the pack. You achieve this on a number of levels – through action, word and body language. Just as your child has slowly elevated their position and usurped yours, so you will be taking the reins again and regaining control, guiding and steering your child to acceptable behaviour. If you have a partner, it is essential you work together, and be prepared for a rough ride for the first two weeks. Your child will not give up his or her position easily – it’s good being leader of the pack: you get the first and best pickings.
What follows applies to a child of any age, although clearly the situations that need addressing will vary with age, and rewards and sanctions will need to be age appropriate. But the platform from which you will be working, whatever the child’s age, is the same: zero tolerance. In order to regain your control and get your child’s behaviour back on track, zero tolerance is absolutely essential in the first two weeks. Later, when you are in charge again and your child is responding, you can gradually ease up, but to begin with you are only going to accept acceptable behaviour. No argument – that is the bottom line.
Step one begins with you and your partner deciding on the main areas in your child’s behaviour that are causing you both the greatest concern; these are the ones you will be addressing first. It may seem that all of your child’s behaviour needs correcting, but a number of key issues will stand out – for example, biting, kicking, swearing or refusing to do as asked. Leave more minor issues, for example untidiness, until you have corrected the main issues, but if you have already asked your child to do something or stop doing something, then see it through, even if it isn’t a high-priority issue. Your child needs to learn that when you say something you mean it, which may come as something of a revelation to begin with.
You will be going back to the basics: Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, with praise for positive behaviour and sanctions for negative behaviour. There is no room for debate during this initial two-week period as you establish your control as the parent, put in place the boundaries and guidelines, and make sure your child does as you have reasonably Requested.
Having decided on the main areas for correction, if you haven’t already got one, decide on your household routine. A routine, with its boundaries of expectations, is essential for any family to run smoothly, and is also a crucial framework for the changes you are about to make. It will include the following:
* the time your child has to be up in the morning, washed, dressed and ready for school
* what time you all sit down together for dinner in the evening
* when homework is done
* your child’s responsibilities and chores and when they should be done – for example, tidying away their possessions, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket, etc.
* bath, bedtime, etc.
Routine is safe and secure, and once your child knows what is expected he or she can easily get it right and receive your praise –
‘Well done, Tom. You got straight out of bed at seven thirty as I asked.’
Now you need to talk to your child about the changes you are about to make in their routine and behaviour, and why the changes are necessary. If you have a partner and/or other children, hold a family meeting. Not a long meeting – about ten minutes is fine. If there is just you and your child, sit them down facing you so that you have their attention while you talk.
Explain the routine – going-to-bed time, homework time, household chores, etc. – but don’t expect your child to remember it instantly. He or she will need quite a few reminders to begin with, especially if there has been no routine and his or her day has been largely unstructured. If your child can tell the time, it’s a good idea to give him or her a watch, or put a clock in their bedroom. This will give your child responsibility for time keeping, which he or she will enjoy; it is also far more agreeable than you bellowing the time from the bottom of the stairs.