Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (23 page)

Don’t tease
Don’t satirise or make fun of your child or their actions, some of which may appear quite juvenile and silly. Don’t tease, or make your young teen the butt of a joke. Many adults have problems being on the receiving end of a joke or being made fun of, and your young adolescent will certainly not be able to cope with it. They will take it personally and will feel very embarrassed and resentful, especially if there is an audience and everyone has looked at them and laughed. Children of this age are very sensitive and easily become embarrassed and blush.

Try to stop other adults from poking fun at your teen too. Often well-meaning relatives or family friends will have a joke at a young teen’s expense, not intending any harm but trying to make conversation with the self-conscious, silent and gangly youth before them who is unrecognisable from the sociable little boy they last saw. If you are aware that a comment or joke has caused your child embarrassment, mention it lightly to your child when you are alone –
‘That was a silly thing for Auntie Jean to say; of course you wash behind your ears’
or
‘Granddad doesn’t understand that orange-streaked hair is fashionable now
.’ There is no harm in siding with your child in this manner; he or she will feel and appreciate your sensitivity and support, although they won’t say so.

Don’t take it personally
Don’t expect a lot back in the way of positive recognition for your care and concern on any matter at this age, or else you will be sadly disappointed. Look upon everything you say and do for your child during this period as an investment for a smoother ride through the older teenage years, leading to a self-confident and happy adult at the end of it.

At this age you are an embarrassment to your child, which is why he or she asks you to drop them off round the corner from their friend’s house so you won’t be seen. It’s normal, and I’m afraid it’s something you have to live with if you have a young teen. There’s nothing you could do that would minimise the embarrassment you inadvertently cause your child at this age. Don’t take it personally; they grow out of it. And obviously don’t do anything to embarrass your child. This includes talking loudly in a public place, kissing or standing too close to your child in a public place, returning a faulty item to the shop while they are with you and other similar behaviour. Often just having a parent is an embarrassment for a child of this age, although of course deep down they know that they couldn’t do without you, and love you deeply.

Use the 3Rs
Last, but not least, keep the boundaries and guidelines for acceptable behaviour in place, using the 3Rs as necessary. Obviously acknowledge your son’s or daughter’s growing independence and self-reliance, but the rules for respect and good behaviour, both at home and in society, should remain true. You are responsible for your child until they reach the age of majority (eighteen in the UK), when they legally become an adult, so if you don’t want your child to do something, for example, have a body piercing or tattoo, then he or she doesn’t do it (the owner of a body-piercing parlour will need your permission anyway).

Attitude is the way a person thinks or feels about someone or something. It is portrayed through their body language and what he or she does or says. However, the word ‘attitude’ has also become a defining statement in its own right, and is usually applied to teenagers. To say someone has ‘attitude’ summons up a package of behaviour that tends to have negative connotations and suggests confrontation and rebellion. The majority of young teens in Western society will develop ‘attitude’ at some point, and it’s a statement of objection on their part: they are portraying, with a look or a few words, that they disagree with some or all of what is going on around them. This may be something at home or school, a generally held view or something about society at large.

Showing ‘attitude’ distances the teen from the norm – what they have so far conformed to and what you hold dear – and therefore contains the component of rejection that can be infuriating to parents; ‘I
don’t like your attitude’
can be heard on the lips of many parents with children of this age. Remember that it is normal for a child of this age to develop ‘attitude’ as they search to redefine themselves. It will usually disappear in the later teenage years; and as long as the child doesn’t overstep the boundary into rudeness, it can be ignored. However, if their attitude becomes rude or unacceptably confrontational, then the young teen should be corrected.

You have Requested that Claire do the dishes, but she is clearly not happy about this; she is in a strop, huffing and puffing, and banging the china together. You Repeat,
‘I’m sorry, Claire, but your attitude isn’t helpful. I’ve asked you to do the dishes and I’d be grateful if you could do it pleasantly.’
Claire’s response probably won’t be,
‘Yes, of course, Mummy dear,’
although if it is, praise her. If her response is pointed silence (more likely), a moan, or
‘Whatever,’
as in the teenage ‘I
hear you but my defences are up’,
or anything else that can be ignored, ignore it – don’t go looking for trouble. If her response is rude or disrespectful, deal with it, Reaffirm –
‘Claire, I’m not having you speak to me like that, and I’ll be stopping the breakages out of your allowance.’
When Claire has finished doing the dishes, even if it hasn’t been done graciously, thank her all the same. At this age seize on anything positive to praise, particularly if Claire or Tom is going through a very difficult period, where there isn’t much to praise.

Your young teen’s speech and language skills will probably change and very likely take a turn for the worse. New, fashionable words like
‘cool,’ ‘wicked’
and
‘sad’
appear regularly in the vocabulary, and as quickly disappear. These ‘in’ words do not have the same meaning that adults attribute to them, and are updated regularly. By the time this book goes to press
‘cool’
and
‘wicked’
will doubtless have disappeared and anyone using them will be seen as very ‘sad’. Claiming such words as their own is part of teenage culture and while such words might be irritating to parents if they populate every sentence, they don’t do any harm.

Swearing is different and should be sanctioned. If certain expletives were unacceptable in your house when your child was little, then they are still unacceptable now your child is a teen. And obviously you can’t go around f—ing and blinding yourself and expect your teen not to.

Purposely dropping letters from words, such as ‘t’ from party, or mispronouncing words –
‘ain’t’
(haven’t),
‘gonna’
(going to) or
‘fink’/’fought’
(think/thought), in imitation of the in-vogue East-End London accent, is irritating but will not do any lasting damage. It’s surprising just how nicely teens can speak when they want to impress – listen to them talking to their grandparents or the parents of their friends. If your teen knows you like correct pronunciation, then corrupting language is an easy statement in their rebelling and redefining process. Ignore what you can and correct what you can’t.

Appearance – i.e. clothes, hairstyles and make-up (mainly with girls) – makes another statement about how a pre-teen or early teen wants to be defined. Obviously, within certain perimeters, experimentation is essential, but clearly there needs to be boundaries – a blue Mohican hair cut on a fourteen-year-old boy is likely to get him into trouble at school, and wearing a hoodie will be interpreted by many adults to mean that he is a thug and mugger. Girls tend to need more advice and direction at this age than boys, as there is more potential for them to portray an image that sends the wrong message, resulting in unwelcome attention. By the age of thirteen most girls will have developed breasts and hips, and it is not in their best interest to flaunt them in public with a very low-cut or tightly fitting T-shirt, or too short a skirt. Don’t be afraid to stop your daughter wearing clothes that are inappropriate (i.e. overtly sexual) or too much make-up. Guidelines put in place now will stand your daughter in good stead for choices she will make about her appearance in the future. Boys at this age don’t have the same worry of inappropriately flaunting their sexuality (apart from low-crutch jeans), and with many boys’ mothers buying their clothes well into their teens they are less likely to be faced with the same decisions.

Your pre-teen or early teen is likely to develop many unwelcome habits – slouching against things, chewing gum, feet on the coffee table, nail clippings in the bath, music too loud, laundry dropped on the floor, muddy footprints in the hall, etc. – which, although not a huge problem individually, can cause irritation in the parent that builds up and explodes into a scene. Address what is unacceptable to you and your house rules, and ignore what you can live with. You can’t tackle all your teen’s bad habits; otherwise you will be seen as continually nagging, resulting in you feeling grumpy and your young teen ignoring all your requests, having consigned them to your ‘bad mood’.

If it is unacceptable for Tom to rest his feet on the coffee table (which it would be in my house), then Request him to put his feet down –
‘Tom, take your feet off the coffee table, please. We put food on there.’
Repeat your Request if necessary and then Reaffirm with the warning of an appropriate sanction –
‘Tom, if you continue to put your feet on the coffee table, I will be stopping your allowance to buy a new one.’

Likewise if when you go to have your bath after Claire has had hers, you find a scum mark, or nail or hair clippings unappealingly decorating the white porcelain, then Request Claire to clean the bath. Allow her a reasonable time – twenty minutes – to do it, as teens tend not to act immediately, especially if the task is not something they relish. Repeat your Request if it has not been done at the end of the time –
‘Claire, come and clear out the mess in the bath, now please. I am waiting to use it.’
If you have been using the 3Rs since Claire was small, then she is likely to do as you have asked, aware you mean what you say. If Claire isn’t used to responding to your Request, then Repeat, and Reaffirm, pointing out the sanction if necessary –
‘Claire, I’m waiting for you to clean out the bath. Soon I will be deducting 50p off from your pocket money for every minute I wait.’

Although a messy bath isn’t a huge incident in itself, if it happens every day, together with other inconsiderate behaviour, your irritation will escalate into a scene where you find yourself shouting that Claire is selfish, and citing all her unreasonable behaviour in one go. It’s much better for everyone in the family to deal with incidents separately and as they arise. If you are dealing with more than one issue, then prioritise: focus on the messy bath now and leave the state of her bedroom for another time.

Speaking of bedrooms, children of this age spend an inordinate amount of time in their rooms. Even on a lovely summer’s day they can be found in their room, with the curtains closed and the light on. This is normal behaviour. However, if your young teen is spending every evening and weekend shut in his or her room and also appears sullen and withdrawn, make sure they are not worried or depressed. Children at this age have a lot to contend with, and quite small things can get out of perspective and cause them to become withdrawn and even depressed. If you have concerns about your child, talk to them and try to found out what is worrying them. If necessary seek help from a counsellor trained in counselling teenagers and young adults.

House rules – relating to bedtime, coming-in time, completion of school work, household chores and reasonable tidiness, etc. – will be mainly determined and overseen by you at this age, and you will need to reinforce them using the 3Rs. Request Tom or Claire to do whatever it is you expect them to do, then Repeat and Reaffirm as necessary.

If Tom or Claire is not used to clear and consistent boundaries, then this pre- and early teen phase is likely to be more difficult as you put in place the guidelines. It is never too late to put in place boundaries and guidelines (see Chapter 6); and your child will need them more than ever now as his or her world quickly opens up with all manner of new experiences and decisions.

If you have a partner, it is important to work together. Don’t side with your young teen against your partner in front of them. If you disagree with the way your partner is handling Tom or Claire’s behaviour, then discuss it with them, away from your child. If, after consideration, you both feel it is appropriate to adjust a boundary or guideline, perhaps seeing it as too restrictive, then you can say to your teen,
‘Your dad and I have had a chat and decided that you can go to the youth club on Thursday evening as long as you do your homework first.’
Far from Tom or Claire thinking you are weak, he or she will respect the fact that you have both taken his or her request seriously, given it careful thought and had the confidence to adjust your decision. Your reasonableness will be an example to your child – none of us gets it right all of the time, not even adults. But remember, always discuss matters of discipline away from your teen.

Truancy from school can be a big problem at this age, as the young teen rebels, seeking risk and excitement from the challenge of not being caught. In the UK, by the time children reach sixteen 90 per cent of them will have truanted at some time. On a typical school day there are 50,000 children not in school in the UK, and over eight million school days are lost across the UK each year.