Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (27 page)

Parenting young adults isn’t only about keeping them on track and giving support and guidance when necessary. It’s also about enjoying their company through quality time together. Young adults, while still needing (to varying degrees) your direction and support, can be great company and great fun; they have a freshness and vitality that are often lacking in older adults, who are weighed down by responsibility and reality. With the hard work of the early years of child rearing behind you, you can now enjoy quality time with your young adult.

Obviously the way you spend time together will be very different from when your child was little and you took them to the park or played with building bricks. But it is just as important for you to spend time together now, especially if your young adult is still living at home. If your son or daughter has moved out or is away at college, then when he or she visits there will be a sense of occasion, and you will stop what you are doing to be with them. However, if your young adult is still living with you, it is possible to coexist in the house, taking each other for granted, without appreciating what a lovely person he or she has grown into. Make the most of your young adult, spend time with him or her, and appreciate what he or she has become. Their success is down to your hard work and direction, and all too soon they will have flown the nest and have children of their own.

It was once said of me, by way of criticism, that I see only the good in people. This was said in respect of a child’s appalling behaviour, which I didn’t blame the child for and which I knew I could change. I am not naïve, as this criticism suggests, but from years of fostering, I believe most strongly that children (and adults) are the product of their environment; and the single most influential factor in that environment is the parents and their parenting skills. Raising the next generation carries a huge responsibility and, as parents, we are given sole responsibility for what is arguably the most important, demanding and potentially society-changing job, without training or support. I hope this book goes some way to rectifying that and filling the void.

Fortunately you will have many years in which to hone your parenting skills – eighteen or more – so even if you feel your parenting hasn’t gone too well so far, there is plenty of time to improve your relationship with your child, as well as his or her behaviour, using the guidelines described in this book. And if you have a young baby, it is never too early to start. Request, Repeat and Reassure will establish a routine on which you can build, leading to a contented toddler, a well-behaved child and a sociable, empathetic adult.

I’ll leave you with an old Chinese proverb: one generation plants the trees; another gets the shade – i.e. what you do for your children is an investment not only in their future, but also in the future of those to come.

Good luck and God bless.

*  A working routine is essential for any household to run smoothly. Establish a routine as soon as possible, whether it is to resettle a baby or accommodate a young adult.

*  House rules vary between households but all households need them. They are there for the benefit of all family members; make sure everyone in the house knows what is expected of them, and that the house rules are adhered to by all.

*  Acceptable behaviour is the only behaviour that you will accept, and is put in place and upheld by using the 3Rs.

*  Children need to learn that cause equals effect; that they are responsible for their actions. This is achieved through rewarding positive behaviour and sanctioning negative behaviour; but remember, a reward need only be verbal praise.

*  Boundaries and guidelines for acceptable behaviour must be clear and consistent at all times and in all situations.

*  Never give in to a child’s demands. You can compromise later if you feel it is appropriate, but once you have reasonably requested your child to do something or not to do something, or made a decision, stand by it.

*  Assume positive behaviour, and start each day afresh.

*  Assert enough control over your children to discipline and guide them, but not so much that it squashes individuality and character.

*  Never refer to yourself in third person; when talking to your child use ‘I’, not
‘Mummy/Daddy’.

*  Never shout, smack or fly into a tantrum – you will set a bad example and one that will be followed by your child. Remain calm when dealing with negative behaviour, and if necessary take time out to calm down.

*  Remember it is the behaviour that is at fault and not the child –
‘That was a silly thing to do.’
However, praise the child personally for positive behaviour –
‘Well done, Tom. How sensible of you.’

*  Don’t avoid disciplining your child because you don’t want to be in his or her bad books. Being disliked by our children sometimes is part of parenting, so don’t take it personally.

*  Be sensitive to any factors that might be affecting your child’s behaviour, but do not let those factors become an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

*  Treat all siblings equally and fairly, and never make comparisons between one child and another, regarding either their failings or their achievements.

*  Make full use of the closed choice for gaining your child’s cooperation.

*  Be on the lookout for hidden worries. If your child’s behaviour dramatically deteriorates, investigate.

*  Teach your child respect for others and property, both within the family and the community at large. Respect is the backbone of all societies; without it lawlessness and anarchy result.

*  Spend quality time with your son or daughter whatever their age, and make sure your child has ‘free’ time when he or she amuses themselves.

*  Respect your child’s right to privacy, particularly with the older child, as he or she must respect yours.

*  Don’t criticise, satirise or make fun of your child; many adults can’t cope with being laughed at, and your child won’t be able to.

*  Give your child age-appropriate responsibility for looking after his or her own needs, as well as their own decision making, but not so much that they feel overburdened or anxious.

*  Keep the lines of communication open by talking to your child, teen or young adult, as well as actively listening. Take their views seriously, although you don’t need to agree with them.

*  Give your child a good diet with plenty of fresh food. Children need to eat regularly and have plenty of fluids. If your child has a behavioural problem, pay particular attention to additives.

*  Make sure your child has enough sleep; a tired child is a fractious one.

The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature of your e-book reader.

acting parents 162–72

and acceptable behaviour 166

and known behavioural difficulties 167

long stays/permanent 168–72

regular stays 166–7

routine and boundaries 163–5

activity overload 85–7

adopted children 168–72

attachment disorder 212–13

alcohol 242–4

allura red (E129) 196

Asperger’s syndrome 206–9

attachment disorder 212–14

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) 202, 204–6, 210, 212

and diet 195, 196, 197–8, 199, 200

attitude 224–5

autistic spectrum disorders 206–9

autonomy 45–6

B vitamins 198

babies (0–1 year) 1–8

in day care 185–7

daytime routine 6–8

sleep 2–3

3Rs 3–4, 7

what not to do at night 4–6

bad behaviour, not bad child 54, 268

bad language

pre-teens and early teens 226

starting school 68–70

behavioural disorders 210–12

bereavement 93–6

Beslan school siege 104

‘big fish’ (9–11 years) 77–90

activity overload 85–7

children comparing parents 78–9

disciplining child’s friends 89–90

don’t compare your child 83–4

parental peer pressure 85

safety/independence balance 80–3

3Rs 82–3, 87–8, 89

bipolar disorder 212

blackmail by children 15, 133

board games 62

body language (non-verbal communication) 21–2, 134–5

boundaries 10, 72, 126, 268

acting parents 163–5

during bereavement 94–5

Boxing Day tsunami 104

bullying 70–1

caffeine 200

carmoisine (E122) 196

cause and effect 73–4, 267

celibacy 252

character 45–8

cheating 62–3

childminders 189

closed choice 32–5, 269

reforming siblings 148

in school 179

comparison

of children by parents 83–4, 108, 269

of parents by children 78–9

computers
see
television/computer sanctions

Conduct Disorder 210–12

consistency 19–20

control 22–6, 268

and bullying 71

maintaining with difficult children 134–43

parent/child balance 24–6, 48

regaining with difficult children 114–15

crime 52, 111

crying 2–3

Request, Repeat, Reassure 3–4

to sleep 5–6

decision-making 25–6

denial 74–7

diet 193–201, 205, 211, 269–70

difficult children 111–51

addressing key issues 115–16

allowing extra time 125

being demanding 127–8

blackmail 133

body language 134–5

confrontation 121–3

family meeting 117–18

family norm 141–2

food 139–40

impudence 128–9

interrupting and talking over 129–30

maintaining control 134–43

no excuses 142–3

parent leads 136

parent’s chair 136–7

parent’s conversation 139

parent’s phone 138

politeness 126–7

progress 125–6

quality time 123–4

reforming siblings 143–51

regaining control 114–15

routine 116–17

rudeness and aggression 127

selfishness 130–1

signs of 112–15

stepchildren 158–9

3Rs 116, 118–21, 135

throwing things 132–3

turning around 32, 56, 88, 111–33

zero tolerance 115

divorce or separation 96–8

Father Christmas syndrome 97–8