Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (6 page)

As unacceptable as the badly behaved child is, so too is the precocious child, who has been brought up to believe that the whole world revolves around them, that their view is the only one and that others are there to fit in with them. The preschool age group has an abundance of this type of child whose parents have over-indulged all their whims, in the mistaken belief that they were encouraging individuality. The parents take pride in what they have done and point out the child’s resulting (precocious) behaviour to anyone who will listen:

All of the above, and more, I have heard said recently by proud and doting parents of rising fives, who misguidedly believed they were encouraging positive individuality in their child, but were actually encouraging precociousness and storing up trouble for later. Claire should have been made to sit at the table for a family meal (using the 3Rs technique if she resisted). Tom’s materialistic attitude to footwear is likely to land him and his parents in the bankruptcy court, as well as encouraging an unhealthy emphasis on the labels of clothing rather than functionality. And for Claire to be viewing her peer group as beneath her is not only elitist and derisory but will also be a big hindrance to her making friends.

As with so much of successful parenting, it is a matter of balance. Encourage your child’s autonomy and individuality, but don’t let your child take over and take charge. At this age, with the child’s growing sense of liberation and independence, and being away from you at nursery, there is the potential for him or her to try to take the reins. If he does, you could wake up one morning to find your life totally revolving around your child’s, with your personality being swamped by theirs. If you feel this is already happening, and your control is being eroded, then rein in your child. Put in place your routine and boundaries and ensure positive and age-appropriate behaviour using the 3Rs:

Before going on to the next age group, five to eight, it is worth pausing for a moment to look at some very important issues.

We have seen some additions to the 3Rs – Reassure becomes Reaffirm when disciplining, and rules are put in place using the 3Rs technique. Respect is another important R, possibly the most important: both respect from your child to you and other family members, and the respect you show your child.

The reason you Request your child to do something rather than demand is out of the respect you have for your child. You wouldn’t demand something of another adult (unless you wanted a punch on the nose), and neither should you ever demand or command your child to do something. Always treat your child with the respect you would show another adult, and which you expect to be shown. Use an even, polite voice (it can still be firm) when addressing your child and be considerate of his or her feelings. The dictionary definition of respect is ‘a feeling of admiration for someone because of their qualities or achievements', which sums it up nicely. Admire your child – he or she has already achieved an awful lot in a few short years – and always insist your child shows you the same admiration and respect, whether they are aged three or twenty-three.

If your child is disrespectful, either through words or through actions, then modify his or her behaviour using the 3Rs, Requesting:
‘Tom, don’t speak to me like that, please. How should you ask for something?’
And when Tom rephrases his request, praise him –
‘Good boy, that’s better.’
Don’t ignore small acts of disrespect as left unchecked small acts will grow into bigger acts of disrespect, with the result that your authority, and therefore discipline, will be severely undermined.

You don’t need me to tell you what respect feels like: when treated in an admiring and polite manner we glow with an inner warmth. Conversely, disrespect, both from adults and children, stings and makes us feel worthless; if it is allowed to continue it grows like a canker, undermining our sense of self-worth and confidence. Politeness is a big part of respect: teaching your child to say please and thank you; not to snatch and grab; to request rather than demand; to be aware of and respond to others’ feelings and wishes; to cooperate and have patience – all help him or her become respectful.

There is a saying that ‘What goes around comes around', and treating your child with respect will certainly reap its own rewards: he or she will copy your behaviour and treat you with the same respect. Children reflect the behaviour they see around them, positive and negative; they absorb it subconsciously like a sponge. If your dealings with your child are always respectful, then your child will be more likely to use this behaviour as his or her baseline, in attitude both to you and the family, and to others outside the home. I’m not saying there won’t be times when your child needs to be corrected for being disrespectful – of course there will be, at all ages, and particularly when external influences come in, in the form of nursery and the school playground. But the respect you show your child will become the accepted norm, and your child will model his or her attitude to others on how he or she has been treated by you.

So often when I see the children I foster with their natural parents, I see a complete absence of respect, not only from the children to their parents and vice versa, but also between the parents themselves, and from the parents towards other adults. It is so sad, and it makes working with these families and trying to rebuild relationships very difficult. No one listens to anyone, as each person focuses solely on their own needs, shouting orders, commands and insults, oblivious to each other.

If the situation has been like this for years, by the time the children are teenagers the ‘family’ is no more than a set of very selfish, self-centred and unhappy individuals who orbit and collide with each other in a chaos of demands and wants. It often comes as a revelation to the parents to learn that their child (or partner or other adult) has, and is entitled to, their own viewpoint and feelings, and that those feelings should be treated with respect.

Respect is crucial, both for a healthy family and for an individual to function successfully in society. It has been suggested that the lack of respect now seen in many children is responsible for the growing crime rate among minors. Respect can be achieved by using the 3Rs and summed up in the following:

Last but not least, spend time with your child. Time is far more important than anything money can buy. It sends your child the clear message that he or she is worth your attention and that you find pleasure in their company. I sometimes wonder just how many children there are in loving and affluent homes who have everything they could want in material terms, but who are emotionally abused from lack of parental attention. When young, these children are ‘babysat’ by all manner of wonderful toys and gadgets, and when older they sit in their bedrooms, in front of the latest computer screen with their iPods plugged in, logged into internet chat rooms, desperately searching for the attention they are not receiving from their parents. Such neglect isn’t intentional, and more the by-product of a hectic lifestyle, but time spent with children, whatever their age, is so very important and should be top of every parent’s schedule.

When disciplining your child for bad behaviour, always remember that it is the behaviour that is wrong, and not the child. Never say,
‘Tom, you are a naughty/bad/selfish/hurtful boy to do that.’
Tom will feel that he is, and is more likely to repeat the negative behaviour. Do say,
‘Tom, that was a naughty/bad/selfish/hurtful thing to do.’
Then add some explanation as to why the behaviour was wrong, setting it in a general context.
‘Tom, it was naughty to pull Claire’s hair because it hurts. Don’t do it again, please. Good boy.’
Or
‘Claire, it’s wrong to snatch Tom’s sweets. Ask him nicely if you can have one. Good girl.’
This separates the child’s bad behaviour from the child, who is intrinsically good and wants to do the right thing. No child is inherently bad, and all children want to do what is right, although it may not always seem like it at the time.

Don’t assume the child knows why the behaviour was wrong or what is correct behaviour. Add a simple statement of why the act was wrong –
‘Because it hurts’
– and what is correct –
‘Ask Tom if you can have one of his sweets.’
And always add the praise –
‘Good boy/girl',
as praise creates the positive assumption that the child deserves it, and will not be repeating the negative behaviour in the future.

When I foster children who have come from highly dysfunctional families where there were no rules and no respect, I have to go back to basics, whatever the child’s age, and teach them what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. Initially, if the child is completely out of control, I have to put in place the basic rules of no hitting, biting, kicking, etc. very quickly, using the 3Rs. When the child has calmed down a little, having been reassured that I have his or her behaviour under control, he or she becomes more receptive, and will often ask why he shouldn’t do something. The child isn’t being cheeky or insolent; he or she genuinely doesn’t know. Children who have been raised in functioning and loving families with clear boundaries will have been brought up with guidelines for acceptable behaviour and by the time they start school will know what is right and wrong, and why. But if a child has spent all of his or her life in a feral existence where everyone looked after number one, to the exclusion of everyone else, this will not be obvious; they won’t know what is acceptable behaviour. Past experience will have taught the child that he had better take care of his own needs as no one else will, and if he wants something, he will take it by fighting if necessary.

Simply telling a child from this type of background that biting hurts and that we don’t like it being done to us, so we don’t do it to others, is often news to the child. But no matter how dreadful the child’s behaviour is when they first arrive (and I’ve seen some pretty awful behaviour), I know that beneath all the anger, swearing and aggression is a loving, gentle child who desperately wants to do the right thing so that they can fit in and be loved.

The length of time it takes to socialise the child and modify his unacceptable behaviour depends on how violent and abusive their family background, and how old the child is when he or she comes into care. The longer he or she has been in a dysfunctional environment, the longer it takes. But even a teenager can be turned around with clear consistent boundaries, rewards and sanctions, using the 3Rs. They eventually come to see that it is not they, the person, who is bad, but the way they behave, which is a product of their experience, and which they have control over and can change.

Although I’m no advocate of the naughty chair/step/spot, I do use time out, with children of all ages, to give everyone a cooling-down period and a chance to reflect. Walking away from an explosive situation is fine for an adult with inbuilt self-control, as is taking a deep breath and counting to ten, or any other self-regulating mechanism for regaining control, but these techniques don’t work for many children. Even the most well-behaved child will sometimes flare up, as will their parents and siblings, and putting a bit of space and time into the situation can defuse it.

I use time out not as a punishment but as a positive acknowledgement that everyone involved needs time to calm down and reflect on their behaviour. I call it quiet time, and use the 3Rs to implement it.