Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (3 page)

I often foster older children with serious behavioural difficulties or ‘challenging behaviour', as it’s sometimes euphemistically called. With these children comes years of unruly, demanding and anti-social behaviour that has to be unlearned before there is any improvement. I am guaranteed full-scale tantrums in public places in the early days when the child doesn’t get everything he or she wants. And if you thought a two-year-old had a good set of lungs, you want to hear a nine-year-old in full flight! Assured of getting his or her own way from years of learned negative behaviour, the child lies in the middle of the supermarket aisle and screams insults and abuse, while thrashing his or her limbs for full effect. It’s a showstopper, believe me. I have to remain calm and wait for it to pass, talking to the child, Reassuring and Reaffirming when they pause for breath. The 3Rs works whatever the child’s age, although it can take longer to change negative behaviour permanently with the older child where the behaviour has become ingrained.

One foster carer I know employed a different strategy when the child she was looking after erupted for the umpteenth time in the middle of a busy store, and turned the tables. Instead of cringing with embarrassment and trying to hide behind the water melons, which is very tempting, she called attention to the child by inviting the onlookers to have a closer look –
‘Come and see. Shane is having another tantrum,’
she announced in a loud voice to those staring. ‘I
think he’s a bit old for that!’
The child was so surprised and embarrassed by the attention (which was less welcome after his carer’s comments) that he immediately got up from the floor, quietly, and never did it again. I’m not recommending this as a strategy for managing tantrums, but it is a neat example of how reverse psychology can work.

The example of toddler Claire and the pushchair shows how the 3Rs technique works when a child is refusing to do something that you have reasonably Requested. The technique is used in exactly the same way if you want a child to stop doing something.

If toddler Tom is busy running his toy lorry over the coffee table, where it’s likely to scratch the polished surface, you Request,
‘Tom, please use the floor/playmat as a road for your lorry. The metal wheels will scratch the coffee table.’
If Tom doesn’t stop, you Repeat the Request, guiding him and the lorry to the floor or playmat, and praise him –
‘Good boy'.
If he returns the lorry to the table, then Repeat the Request, this time stating the consequences –
‘Tom, play with the lorry on the floor, please, where I have shown you. Otherwise I will have to put the lorry away for now.’
If Tom defies you and continues to run the lorry over the table, then gently (don’t snatch) take the toy away from him for a set period of time, telling him what you are doing and why –
‘Tom, I asked you to play with the lorry on the floor and you didn’t. I’m now putting the lorry away for ten minutes. Then you can have it back to play with on the floor.’

When you return the lorry, ten minutes later, place it on the floor where Tom should be playing, and praise him –
‘Good boy, play with the lorry on the floor.’
The likelihood is that Tom will now do as you have asked, depending on whether you have seen through your Request before. If Tom defiantly returns the lorry to the table, then make another Request, with the consequences –
‘Tom, I have asked you to play with your lorry on the floor, and if you don’t, I’ll put the lorry away for longer.’
If he continues, then take the lorry away for thirty minutes.

When you return it, put in on the floor where he should play and Reaffirm –
‘Good boy, play with it there.’
Assume he will do as asked; don’t wait around expecting to be challenged. If Tom still defies you, then put away the lorry for the rest of the morning or afternoon –
‘Tom, I think it’s better for you to play with something else today.’

When you return it, assume he will do as asked, so that you are starting with a clean slate. If he does return the lorry to the table, then take it away for the rest of the day and the following day return it quietly to the toy box so that it doesn’t become an issue. When Tom rediscovers the lorry the incident of the previous day will be a thing of the past – for both of you.

The boundaries and rules you put in place must be clear and consistent. It is pointless not allowing Tom to play with his lorry on the table one day and then allowing it another day. Children can have very long memories, and will quickly spot inconsistencies or injustice –
‘But you let me do it yesterday’
– and I’m afraid no justification on your part will make up for the obvious: that mum’s rules are pliable and therefore can be bent. And don’t let your child manipulate you –
‘Can I have my lorry on the table if I don’t move the wheels?’
You have made the decision, which is based on your experience that it is inadvisable, so the answer is
‘No'.

You can compromise, but only if it is an acceptable compromise to you, and one that you allowed from the start –
‘You can play with the lorry on the table, but I’ll put a cloth on the table first so it won’t get scratched.’
At this age children are learning all about compromise through sharing their toys with others, and compromise is an essential lesson for later life. But again, be consistent. If it is OK for Tom to play on the table covered with a cloth one day, then that is always the case.

Before we look at the next phase in a child’s development, I want to pause to look at some general strategies and observations which apply to managing children of all ages. Some of what follows may be obvious, and you may already be aware of, or using, the approach; other points will give you an insight into a new (or improved) way of guiding your child into a happy, confident and well-behaved individual.

Always take a positive view, and assume that good behaviour in your child is the norm. Start each day afresh and do not hang on to past grievances. Children quickly move on and forget their bad behaviour. They want your praise for doing what is right, so they won’t dwell on instances when they didn’t get it right, and neither should you.

You, as the parent, need to set the example, the base line, when it comes to assuming positive behaviour. If your child misbehaves, act surprised –
‘Good heavens, Tom! You know you don’t do that.’
And if Tom persists in misbehaving, then employ the 3Rs – Request, Repeat and Reaffirm. You can refer to a previous negative incident if Tom is repeating an act that you have already dealt with, but don’t labour the point –
‘Tom, I told you yesterday why you mustn’t run your lorry over the coffee table. Play with it on the floor. Good boy.’
Tom will more than likely now do as you have asked. He wants to be liked and he doesn’t want the lorry to be taken away again. But if Tom doesn’t comply then calmly warn him of the consequences, as you did the day before and, if necessary, remove the lorry, returning it later to the toy box so that it doesn’t become an issue.

It is essential to be positive and assume good behaviour in your child, as otherwise you will be setting yourself up for failure. Your feelings of negativity will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and your expectations of bad behaviour met. The term ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’ applies to many situations, throughout life, and is a useful concept to remember when managing your child. Simply, it is a prediction that causes itself to become true. So that if you are in a negative frame of mind and expecting the worst, then almost certainly the worst will come to you. Conversely, if you are positive, then your body language will express this in hundreds of subtle signals that others subconsciously pick up and react to. Some studies have suggested that non-verbal communication – i.e. body language – accounts for 55 per cent of our communication, with tone of voice making up 38 per cent and words a mere 7 per cent. Children (and adults) read non-verbal signs and act accordingly.

When managing your child’s behaviour, feel positive and act positively, even if things aren’t going well. Your child will tune into your positive ‘vibes': Mum likes me, and Mum knows I’m going to behave, therefore I will. Remember that children are not born to challenge you and misbehave; there is no naughty gene, despite what you might feel sometimes. Children are clean slates upon which you can write. Even if there has been a lot of negative behaviour in the past, using the 3Rs you can wipe the slate clean and by being positive improve your child’s behaviour.

Much of managing a child’s behaviour is about control – yours and the child’s. Clearly you should not be a control freak, trying to remove all traits of assertion or individuality from your child. But children of all ages need their parents to be in control and to guide them. Every day brings new situations for the developing child, where decisions have to be made, advice given and control implemented by you.

Before you ask a child to do something, or stop him from doing something, always make sure what you are asking is a reasonable and necessary Request. You will know if it is reasonable because there will be a reason attached to it –
‘Tom, please don’t pull the cat’s tail. It’s unkind and hurts the cat.’
This is a reasonable Request and you can see it through using the 3Rs.

But what about this?
‘Tom, don’t bang that drum. It’s getting on my nerves.’
Is this reasonable? Possibly. The relentless banging of a drum at close proximity is enough to get on anyone’s nerves. But wouldn’t it be more reasonable to say,
‘Tom, take the drum into the front room/down the garden, please, where it’s not so loud for me.’
I think this is more reasonable. Tom can have his fun, and you, the parent, will not have your nerves shredded by the relentless banging. If Tom refuses what is now a Reasonable Request, then employ the 3Rs to see through your Request.

It is surprising just how many of these little ‘reasonableness’ situations there are every day, and we need to base our Requests on what is reasonable for both us, the parents, and the child. Here are some examples:

Control isn’t only about you, the parent, steering your child to good and acceptable behaviour: it is also about the child’s right of control. Children of all ages need some control over their lives in order to grow into healthy responsible adults. If children are never allowed to make their own decisions (and mistakes), they will have nothing on which to base teenage or adult decision making. The child will feel that he or she has no right to an opinion, no voice and therefore little or no control over their life. This leaves them very vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone who wants to dominate or use them; it is exactly this type of child (and adult) who is taken advantage of, or even abused. Parents who are over-controlling tend to produce either introverted and excruciatingly shy children, or those who fly in the face of convention and the law, often into their late teens and early twenties.

Alternatively, a child who has been given no control, and therefore no moral code to guide them when decision making, can rebel as a teenager and become out of control – and thus a danger to themselves and others.

Control is therefore about balance, with the parent exerting enough control to socialise the child, but not so much as to obliterate individuality, spontaneity or character. Encourage appropriate control in children through their decision making, allowing freedom of choice where appropriate. If you decide something isn’t appropriate, then explain why and see through your reasonable decision, using the 3Rs.

Reasonable Requests and decisions equals reasonable control for you and the child. But what decisions can a child reasonably be expected to make? Here are some examples:

On the other hand, it is reasonable for you to decide:

Likewise you make the decision not to allow Tom or Claire to: