Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (28 page)

Most common physical complaint in the U.S.: lower back pain.

PYRAMID SCHEME

Lost Item:
A cat

The Story:
Cathryn Chartez really likes her cat. So much so that she took it with her on vacation to Egypt in October 2002. But the cat escaped in the Cairo airport as she was headed home to the United States. The Egyptian tourist police tried to help her find it, to no avail. Chartez went home catless. Two months later, she went back to Egypt to look for her cat again, putting up posters, taking out advertisements, and offering a $110 reward. It worked. A week later an electrical worker found the kitty hiding from the rain in a nearby terminal and notified the police…and the worker refused to accept any reward money.

THANKS!

Lost Item:
A gold ring

The Story:
In 1945 the mayor of Jersey City, New Jersey, gave the sheriff a gift: a gold ring, inscribed “From Mayor Frank Hague to Sheriff Teddy Fleming 1945.” Years later Fleming passed the ring on to his son, the historian Thomas Fleming. In 1968 Fleming was visiting the famous French battlefield, the Argonne, on the 50th anniversary of his father’s service there during World War I. While climbing a steep hill, he slipped and fell—and lost the ring.

In 1985 Frenchman Gil Malmasson was metal-detecting in the Argonne and found it. He immediately contacted the American embassy, but couldn’t track down the Flemings. Thirteen more years passed. Then in 1998 Malmasson was surfing the Internet and found the website for Jersey City…and the name “Mayor Frank Hague.” He got in touch with the current mayor, Bret Schundler, who made some phone calls and located Fleming within hours. Fleming flew to Paris and met Malmasson—who happily put the ring back on his finger.

Not as fragile as you thought: Egg shells are proportionately as strong as bone.

JUST PLANE WEIRD

Close calls, close encounters, and other strange events in the sky.

G
OT JUICE?

During the landing phase of Aeroflot Flight #2315 on May 9, 1994, over Arkhangelsk, Russia, loss of hydraulic fluid caused the landing gear system to fail; the right leg of the plane would not come down. In desperation, the crew poured every beverage they could find into the hydraulic system—soda, water, wine, milk, juice, and liquor. That made it possible for the crew to lower the gear, but only partway. When the plane landed, it veered to the right and went off the side of the runway, but a serious crash had been avoided. (According to experts, in an emergency any fluid will help—even urine.)

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE (ALTITUDE)

On February 17, 1994, the pilot of a private Piper PA-34 fell asleep at the controls as he was flying from Springfield, Kentucky, to Crossville, Tennessee. This was normally a short flight, but five hours later he woke up over the Gulf of Mexico, with only 20 minutes of fuel remaining. Lucky break: He was able to reach the Coast Guard by radio just as he ran out of fuel. A helicopter pulled him out of the water 70 miles west of St. Petersburg, Florida.

BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

On October 30, 1995, a Southwest Airlines flight was climbing after takeoff from McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas when a blinding beam of light swept into the cockpit. The first officer, who was piloting the aircraft, was completely blinded for 30 seconds. For another two minutes he suffered flash blindness in the right eye and after-image effects in his left eye. He was unable to focus or interpret any of the instrument readings and was “completely disoriented.”

The source of the beam: an outdoor laser light show at one of the Vegas hotels. But because so many hotels entertain guests with nightly light shows, it was impossible to determine which one was responsible. The captain (who was not affected) took over the controls until the first officer recovered.

Looney law: In Oklahoma, you can be fined for making funny faces at dogs.

BETTER LATE THAN STUPID

America West Flight #6361 had been in the air less than two minutes one day in 2003, when the pilot received a call from the tower: there was a bomb onboard. The pilot immediately returned to the Medford, Oregon, airport where the passengers and crew were evacuated. A bomb squad searched the plane and luggage, but found nothing.

A little while later, when a man arrived at the check-in counter and insisted that he be allowed to board the delayed flight, America West clerks became suspicious. It turned out that the man had been on his way to the airport when he realized he was going to miss the flight. Brilliant solution: He called in the bomb threat on his cell phone, hoping to delay the plane a few minutes. The police were notified, the call was traced, and the man was promptly arrested. (The plane took off without him…again.)

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE…

While taxiing for takeoff in Detroit, Michigan, on April 17, 1986, a TWA passenger saw some mist coming out of the plane’s air vents. It was nothing abnormal, just condensation from an overheated air conditioner pack. But the passenger, believing that the plane was on fire, panicked and shouted, “Open the door!” The lead flight attendant responded to the emergency orders (which she thought came from the cockpit) and opened an exit door. Passengers sitting near exit doors also prepared for evacuation by opening
their
doors. Fortunately, the plane was still on the ground—21 passengers jumped off before the captain could intervene.

*        *        *

“IT WAS MY CADDY…REALLY”

“At the 1959 Memphis Invitational Open, pro golfer Tommy Bolt was assessed one of the strangest fines in PGA tour history. Just when his playing partner was about to putt, Bolt loudly passed gas. Officials were not amused and fined him $250 for unsportsmanlike behavior.”

—
Dubious Achievements in Golf’s History

According to a poll by Progressive Insurance, 63% of Americans talk to their cars.

MANAGEMENT EXPECTS…

JoAnn Padgett of the Bathroom Readers’ Hysterical Society sent us this page from an old almanac with a note: “And you guys think you’ve got it bad.” (No, we don’t.
)

In 1870, after the government passed new, “liberal” labor laws, one business released the following manifesto to its employees.

NOTICE

1.
Staff members must be present between the hours of 7:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. on weekdays and only until noon on Saturday.

2.
Daily prayers will be held each morning in the main office with the clerical staff in attendance.

3.
The staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose “unless in good repair.”

4.
A stove is provided for the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. Each member of the staff should bring four pounds of coal each day during cold weather.

5.
No member of the staff may leave the room without permission. Calls of nature are permitted and the staff may use the garden below the second gate. This area must be kept in good order.

6.
Now that business hours have been reduced drastically, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not, on any account, cease.

7.
A new pencil sharpener is available on application to Mr. Rogers.

8.
Trainees will report 40 minutes before prayer and will report to Mr. Rogers after closing hours to clean private offices with brushes, brooms, and scrubbers provided by the management.

9.
Management recognizes the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a much greater work output to compensate for these near utopian conditions.

Bozo the Clown wore size 83AAA shoes.

UNSCRIPTED

When actors have to come up with their own lines…

“I have no experience, but I guess they’re different from dogs and horses.”

—
Bo Derek, on children

“If I’m androgynous, I’d say I lean toward macho-androgynous.”

—
John Travolta

“I loved making the movie
Rising Sun
. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-esteem.”

—
Tatjana Patitz

“The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.”

—
Sylvester Stallone

“Good looking people turn me off. Myself included.”

—
Patrick Swayze

“There is no capital of Uruguay, you dummy—it’s a country.”

—
Lorenzo Lamas, to Jon
Stewart on
The Daily Show

“I feel my best when I’m happy.”

—
Winona Ryder

“Sure the body count in this movie (
Die Harder
) bothers me, but it’s what everybody likes. At least it’s not an awful body count—it’s a fun body count.”

—
Bonnie Bedelia

“In an action film you act in the action, in a drama film you act in the drama.”

—
Jean-Claude Van Damme

“You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin.”

—
Laura Dern, on
Jurassic Park

“I think that the film
Clueless
was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”

—
Alicia Silverstone

“He’s the chief, right? What else is there to say? It’s not bad sleeping with Einstein.”

—
Lara Flynn Boyle on then-
boyfriend Jack Nicholson

“My main hope for myself is to be where I am.”

—
Woody Harrelson

Scientists say: Gesturing with your hands while speaking improves your memory.

THE FEDERAL WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

If you’ve ever wondered what being in the federal government’s witness protection program is like, check out the book
WITSEC: Inside the Federal Witness Protection Program,
by Pete Earley and Gerald Shur. It will tell you everything you ever wanted to know…and more.

D
OUBLE CROSS

In 1967 a Mafia hitman named Joe “The Animal” Barboza was arrested on minor charges and thrown in jail. His boss, Massachusetts mobster Raymond Patriarca, was supposed to bail him out, but Patriarca turned on Barboza instead, having three of Barboza’s friends assassinated.

Barboza figured he was next and decided he wasn’t going to just sit around and wait for someone to kill him. He immediately contacted the FBI and offered to testify against Patriarca…on one condition: the government had to protect Barboza, his wife, and their daughter against retaliation from the Mafia. For the rest of their lives. Breaking the Mafia’s code of silence was an automatic death sentence, not just for Barboza but for his family as well. The FBI agreed and handed the job over to the U.S. Marshals Service, the federal agency charged with overseeing the security of the federal courts.

ON THE MOVE

Once the deal was made, deputies transferred Barboza to a new jail and registered him under a false name, so that nobody would know who he was. Another team of deputies set up a 24-hour guard at his house, an arrangement that lasted until Patriarca took out a $300,000 “contract” on Barboza. Fearing for the family’s safety, the marshals moved the Barbozas to an abandoned lightkeeper’s house on a small island off the coast of Massachusetts and stationed 16 armed guards there to protect them 24 hours a day. They stayed on the island until a Boston newspaper found out and revealed where they were hiding. Then they moved again.

Ernest Hemingway rewrote the final page of
A Farewell To Arms
39 times.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Barboza and his family remained in hiding and under round-the-clock protection for more than a year before Barboza testified against Patriarca in court. In the months that followed, he testified against more than a dozen other mobsters as well. By the time all the trials were over, Patriarca was behind bars and his criminal organization had been crippled.

It was an impressive victory for the Justice Department, but protecting Barboza had cost a fortune—more than 300 deputies had rotated in and out of two-week shifts guarding the family, and now that the trials were over, a way had to be found to protect the Barbozas for the rest of their lives.

But how? For now the Barbozas were hiding out in military housing at Fort Knox, Kentucky, but they couldn’t stay there forever. A lifetime of 24-hour guards was out of the question: It cost too much money, consumed too much manpower, and put too many lives at risk. There had to be a better way.

HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT

Gerald Shur, an attorney with the Justice Department’s organized crime division, had been thinking about the problem for several years and came up with an answer: Why not just give the witnesses new identities and move them to a new part of the country?

In those days, mobsters were pretty territorial—they rarely left the cities where they lived. A witness from the New York City mob was a dead man if he stayed in New York, but if he moved to Portland, Oregon, he’d probably be safe—nobody there would know who he was. And if he changed his name and avoided contact with friends and relatives back home, nobody would be able to track him down. Round-the-clock armed guards would be unnecessary.