Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (27 page)

• Most Maneki Nekos are calico cats; the male calico is so rare it’s considered lucky in Japan. But Maneki Neko may be white, black, red, gold, or pink to ward off illness, bad luck, or evil spirits and bring financial success, good luck, health, and love.

• Maneki Nekos made in Japan show the palm of the paw, imitating the manner in which Japanese people beckon. American Maneki Nekos show the back of the paw, reflecting the way we gesture “come here.”

• The higher Maneki Neko holds his paw, the more good fortune is being invited.

*        *        *

“I don’t need a reading lamp in my living room. I don’t have a toilet in there.”

—
Norm Macdonald

No laughing matter: Hyenas are more closely related to cats than dogs.

AMAZING ANAGRAMS

Bathroom readers seem to love anagrams…words or phrases whose letters can be rearranged to form new words or phrases. Bonus: The new phrase has a meaning that relates to the old one.

NEGATION
becomes…
GET A “NO” IN

ENDEARMENTS
becomes…
TENDER NAMES

HARVESTING SEASON
becomes…
SAVE THE GRAIN, SONS

BURY THE HATCHET
becomes
…
BUTCHER THY HATE

SUPREME COURT
becomes…
CORRUPT? SUE ME

THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN
becomes…
A PISTOL IN AN ACTOR’S REBEL HANDS; A FINE MAN IS SHOT

PUBLIC RELATIONS
becomes…
CRAP, BUILT ON LIES

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
becomes
…
HOT SUN, OR LIFE IN A CAR

MARRIAGE
becomes
…
A GRIM ERA

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
becomes
…
NEW UTOPIA? HORRIFYING SHAM

North America
becomes…
MACHO TERRAIN

SENATOR
becomes
…
TREASON

GARBAGE MAN
becomes
…
BAG MANAGER

A SURGICAL OPERATION
becomes…
PAIN OR GORE. ALAS, I CUT.

A PSYCHIATRIST
becomes…
SIT, CHAT, PAY, SIR.

MERRIAM WEBSTER DICTIONARY becomes…
MAY CITE BRAINIER WORD TERMS

TELEVISION
becomes…
TV IS ONE LIE

First movie star to appear on a postage stamp: Gene Kelly.

THE DUSTBIN OF HISTORY

Leon Livingston had many titles—A-No.1, the Rambler, Emperor of the North—but none fit him better than “King of the Hoboes.”

F
orgotten Figure:
Leon Ray Livingston

Claim to Fame:
Being King of the Hoboes

Background:
Leon began his hobo lifestyle when he ran away from home in San Francisco in 1883. Only 11 years old, the boy was too young to find work, so he took up with a hobo named Frenchy, an ex-convict and experienced wanderer who taught little Leon the ways of the open road:

• How to survive on handouts from local charities.

• Where to sleep—parks, freight cars, or the “hobo jungles” outside railroad yards.

• How to make “mulligan stew,” a traditional hobo meal consisting of a stolen chicken and whatever few vegetables they could gather, all cooked in a large tin can on a campfire.

• How to move about the country for free: generally in empty freight cars.

• Ways to avoid the railroad police, known as “bulls,” who patrolled the train yards looking for freeloaders. Being caught usually meant getting a beating with the bulls’ nightsticks. Worse, sometimes it meant being tossed off a moving train.

FAME (BUT NO FORTUNE)

Leon, who became known as A-No.1, got to be adept at hopping a train after it had left the station (other “brethren of the road” who weren’t as skilled often lost their lives, falling under the wheels of the train). He loved the hobo life and kept a scrapbook of the travels that took him from the Klondike to the Amazon. And everywhere he went, he wrote his name, “A-No.1,” on fences, on barns, on storefronts, and in train yards. Every bare wall he encountered bore witness to the fact that A-No.1 had been there.

Scientists say: The easiest sound for the human ear to hear is “ah.”

Word of mouth turned him into America’s most famous tramp. And because he neither drank nor smoked, because he valued honesty and cleanliness, the other hoboes looked up to A-No.1, and gave him another nickname, “King of the Hoboes.”

ROAD SCHOLAR

As he got older, A-No.1 rambled from coast to coast with the famous writer Jack London, whose hobo moniker was “Sailor Jack.” London inspired A-No.1 to become a writer himself. His first published book was
The Life and Adventures of A-No.1
, followed closely by
Hobo Camp Fire Tales
. He wrote 12 books in all.

A-No.1 claimed that his only real goal in life was to keep American boys and girls from running away from home and living the sort of life he led. He gave lectures on the evils of the vagabond life and used the money he made from his books to send runaway kids back home.

“When I started out, the wanderlust was upon me and I enjoyed the zest of adventure,” A-No.1 said. “Later I traveled because it became a habit, and now, although I hate the life, I travel because I cannot stop.”

A-No.1 died in 1944 and was buried in the place he had come to love most—a small town in Pennsylvania called Cambridge Springs. On his tombstone is written, A-NO.1
AT
R
EST AT
L
AST
.

*        *        *

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

“I have just had to tell your mother that I shall be dead in a quarter of an hour. Hitler is charging me with high treason. In view of my services in Africa I am to have the chance of dying by poison. The two generals have brought it with them. It is fatal in three seconds. If I accept, none of the usual steps will be taken against my family. I’m to be given a state funeral. It’s all been prepared to the last detail. In a quarter of an hour you will receive a call from the hospital in Ulm to say that I’ve had a brain seizure on the way to a conference.”

—
Suicide note of “Desert Fox”
Erwin Rommel after participating
in a plot to assassinate Hitler

In Arabic countries,
Sesame Street
is known as
Iftah Ya Simsim
.

MYTH-CONCEPTIONS

“Common knowledge” is frequently wrong. Here are some examples of things that many people believe—but that according to our sources, just aren’t true.

M
yth:
If you touch a baby bird, its mother will abandon it.

Fact:
Whether or not a mother can detect the scent of a human depends on the animal’s sense of smell. Birds have a poor sense of smell and would never know from it whether a human had touched their nest.

Myth:
Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor.

Fact:
In Caesar’s time, Rome was a republic and had no emperor. The Roman Empire didn’t exist until 17 years after Caesar’s death.

Myth:
You should drink at least eight 8-ounce glasses of water a day.

Fact:
The bottled-water industry loves this myth, but according to kidney specialist Dr. Heinz Valtin, there is no scientific evidence to support the claim.

Myth:
Diamonds are the most valuable gem.

Fact:
Carat for carat, rubies are far more valuable than diamonds.

Myth:
Ticks are insects.

Fact:
Insects have six legs and three body parts. Ticks, on the other hand, have eight legs and two body parts, which classifies them as arachnids, not insects.

Myth:
The chameleon changes color to match its background.

Fact:
Chameleons really
can
change color instantaneously, but it’s a reaction to fear or to extreme temperature and light changes—it has nothing to do with matching the colors of its background.

Myth:
Arabic numerals come from Arabia.

Fact:
The numbering system we use today actually originated in India. It was later brought to Arab lands, where westerners first encountered them and labeled the numbers “Arabic.”

Impotence is grounds for divorce in 24 U.S. states.

THE MAN FROM C.R.A.P.

An acronym is a word made up of the initial letters of other words—and some of them end up being pretty funny. And if you don’t like them, don’t blame us—see someone at
C.R.A.P.
(the
C
ommittee to
R
esist
A
cronym
P
roliferation).

EGADS

Stands For: E
lectronic
G
round
A
utomatic
D
estruct
S
ystem (
military command given to destroy a missile already in flight
)

BOGSATT

Stands For: B
unch
O
f
G
uys
S
itting
A
round
T
he
T
able (
Pentagonese for where the important decisions are made
)

CHAOTIC

Stands For: C
omputer-
H
uman-
A
ssisted
O
rganization of a
T
echnical
I
nformation
C
enter

LIE

Stands For: L
imited
I
nformation
E
stimation
(it’s true
)

MANIAC

Stands For: M
athematical
A
nalyzer,
N
umerical
I
ntegrator,
A
nd
C
omputer

OOPS

Stands For: O
ccasionless
O
rdered
P
reemptive
S
trike (
World War III begun by accident
)

SIMPLE

Stands For: S
imulation of
I
ndustrial
M
anagement
P
roblems with
L
ots of
E
quations

NO FUN

Stands For: NO F
irst
U
se of
N
uclear Weapons

BUFF

Stands For: B
ig
U
gly
F
at
F
ellow (
Air Force slang for a B-52 bomber
)

WOMBAT

Stands For: W
aste
O
f
M
oney,
B
rains,
A
nd
T
ime (
A computer programmer “wrestles with a wombat” when the solution proves more complex than the problem
)

OOH, OOH

Stands For: O
n the
O
ne
H
and,
O
n the
O
ther
H
and

WOE

Stands For: W
ithdrawal
O
f
E
nthusiasm (
The bored tone of an airline pilot’s “Welcome aboard” on the third or fourth straight flight
)

Do you get ingrown toenails? It’s hereditary—odds are someone else in your family does, too.

I GOT IT BACK!

Have you ever lost something special? Well, don’t give up hope—you may find it again. These folks did.

O
N GUARD

Lost Item:
A wallet

The Story:
In November 2002, a Swedish man named Holger Granlund got a call from the army saying that they had found his wallet…the one he’d lost 56 years earlier. It was found in the hayloft of a stable where Granlund had been on guard duty in 1946. Amazingly, almost everything was still in it—his driver’s license, a food ration card, and photos of young women he’d known. The only item missing: a 20-kroner bill (worth about $2).

RING ME LATER

Lost Item:
A University of Notre Dame class ring

The Story:
When Robert Lensing graduated from Indiana’s Notre Dame University in 1959, he received the traditional sapphire class ring…which mysteriously disappeared from a jacket pocket. (He suspected his mother’s cleaning lady.) A few years later, a landscaper named Frank Foster bought a used camper from a family in Petersburg, Indiana. Foster and his wife found the ring under some seat cushions, put it in a jewelry box, and forgot about it—for almost four decades. Not long after Foster’s wife died in 2000, he remarried. His new wife found the ring and insisted they return it to the owner. They contacted Notre Dame, who used the ring’s inscription to find Lensing, and in February 2002, 42 years after it was lost, he got his ring back. “This just shows that there’s a lot of good in people,” said Lensing.

A NOT-SO-BRIEF CASE

Lost Item:
A briefcase

The Story:
In September 1989, Frank Keating got on a United Airlines flight from Washington, D.C., to Tulsa, Oklahoma. But, when he got off, he inadvertently left his briefcase on the plane. The airline sent it to him…in November 2002. “I had forgotten all about it,” said Keating, who had become governor of Oklahoma in the meantime. The case had been sitting on a shelf in a security closet in San Francisco. United spokesman Jeff Green said, “We’re glad we got it back to him. Sorry it took 13 years.” Contents of the case: some papers, wrapped birthday presents for his mother-in-law, and a calculator (the batteries were dead).