Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (12 page)
Read Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers Institute
HANGING AROUND
Mississippi’s Eternally Yours incorporates cremated remains into paintings, sprinkling a few tablespoons over original works of art that can be customized to match home decor or the deceased’s interests. Cost: $350 to $950.
FREE AT LAST
Donated bodies, called “anatomical gifts” in the funeral biz, are used for research at medical schools across the country. Many medical facilities will pick up the “gift” at no charge to the deceased’s estate. Once the research is complete, the body is cremated. Cost: Free.
Government waste: There are 284 bathrooms in the Pentagon.
Readers have been asking us to tell this story for years. It was so weird even we had a hard time swallowing it…but it’s true
.
O
FF WITH HIS HEAD!
On September 10, 1945, Mike the rooster was making his usual rounds in the Olsen farmyard in Fruita, Colorado. He paused for a moment to join the other Wyandotte chickens as they hunted and pecked for grain outside the chicken coop. Mike didn’t notice the dark shadow that fell across his path. It was Lloyd Olsen.
Clara Olsen had sent her husband out to the chicken coop on a mission: catch the rooster and prepare him for dinner. Lloyd Olsen grabbed Mike and put the rooster on the chopping block. Remembering that his mother-in-law (who was coming to dinner) loved chicken necks, Lloyd took special care to position the ax on Mike’s neck so a generous portion of neck would remain. He gave that rooster one strong whack and cut off his head.
Mike the now-headless rooster ran around in circles, flapping his wings. At this point, most chickens would have dropped dead. Instead, Mike raced back to the coop, where he joined the rest of the chickens as they hunted and pecked for food.
Lloyd Olsen was flabbergasted. He kept expecting the rooster to keel over. It never happened. The next morning he checked again and found the feathered fellow—minus his head—asleep in the henhouse with the hens.
ONE FUNKY CHICKEN
Lloyd decided that if Mike was so determined to live, even without a head, he would figure out a way to give him food and water, so Lloyd used an eyedropper to drip food and water into Mike’s gullet.
When Mike had managed to live an entire week, Lloyd and Clara took their headless wonder to scientists at the University of Utah to determine how it was possible for the bird to stay alive without a head. The scientists determined that the ax had missed the jugular vein, and a clot had kept Mike from bleeding to death. Although his head was gone, his brainstem and one ear were left on his body. Since a chicken’s reflex actions are controlled by the brain stem, Mike’s body was able to keep on ticking.
The sun’s surface is transparent.
MIRACLE MIKE
Sensing that Mike had the possibility of becoming a real cash cow (or chicken), the Olsens hired a manager and took him on a national tour. Audiences in New York, Los Angeles, Atlantic City, and San Diego paid a quarter each to see “Miracle Mike.”
Time
and
Life
magazines ran feature articles on the amazing fowl. Mike even made it into the
Guinness Book of World Records
. This “Wonder Chicken” was so valuable, he was insured for $10,000.
For 18 happy months Mike was a celebrity. Then one night in a motel in Arizona, Mike the headless chicken started choking on some food. Lloyd tried to save him, but he couldn’t find the syringe he had often used to clear Mike’s throat. Moments later Mike was dead—this time for real.
Those who knew Mike, which included many of the residents of Fruita, remembered him as a “robust chicken, and a fine specimen, except for not having a head.” One recalled that Mike seemed “as happy as any other chicken.”
GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Mike’s been dead for almost 60 years, but his spirit lives on in Fruita. In 1999 the Chamber of Commerce was looking for something more interesting than “pioneers” as the theme for Colorado Heritage Week, when someone suggested Mike. Now, every third weekend in May, folks in this town of 6,500 gather to celebrate the remarkable rooster at the “Mike the Headless Chicken Festival.”
The two-day-long celebration features the 5K Run Like a Chicken race, egg tosses, Pin the Head on the Chicken, a Cluck Off, Rubber Chicken Juggling, and the Chicken Dance. Chicken Bingo is played with chicken droppings on a grid and there is a Famous Fowl Pet Parade, for which owners dress their dogs, cats, and horses like chickens. Of course, great quantities of chicken—fried or barbecued—are enjoyed by all.
In 2000 Mike was memorialized in a statue made out of rakes, axes, and farm implements by artist Lyle Nichols, who said, “I made him proud-looking and cocky.” And he gave the chamber a discount on the sculpture…because it didn’t have a head.
If you have
alektorophobia
, you’re chicken…of chickens.
See if you can guess the name of the country before reading all the clues. (Answers on
page 499
.
)
S
AVED
1.
It was originally inhabited by the Pipil tribe.
2.
The Pipil are believed to be direct descendants of the Aztecs.
3.
The Pipil were defeated by Spanish explorers looking for gold.
4.
The Christian Spaniards named it in honor of Jesus.
Name the country
1.
The local Nama people call it “an area where there is nothing.”
2.
The name describes the coastal desert area of the country.
3.
It has been governed at different times by the British, the Germans, and the South Africans.
4.
It gained independence in 1990 from South Africa.
Name the country
1.
It got its European name long before Europeans knew it existed.
2.
Early geographers insisted it must be there—if not, the Earth would “wobble.”
3.
The early name was Latin for “The Unknown Southern Land.”
4.
Captain James Cook “discovered” it in 1770.
Name the country
OVER THERE WHERE THE SUN COMES UP
1.
Our word for this country originally comes from China.
2.
It combines the words “sun” and “east,” meaning “sunrise,” or “sun’s origin.”
3.
Portuguese traders learned the name from Malaysians in the 1500s.
4.
Inhabitants of this country call it Nippon.
Name the country
It takes 16,550 kernels of durum wheat to make a pound of pasta.
1.
Early inhabitants called themselves the Pritani.
2.
The Greek sailor Pytheas named it after the inhabitants in 300 B.C.
3.
When enemy tribes attacked in the 400s, many inhabitants fled this island, taking the name with them to the mainland.
4.
To differentiate between the new “lesser” settlement on the mainland, the word “Greater” was added to the name of the island.
Name the island
ACUTE COUNTRY, BUT A BIT OBTUSE
1.
This country, when grouped with two other countries, is known by another name.
2.
When grouped with three other countries, it’s known by yet another name.
3.
The name comes from a Germanic tribe that invaded the country about 1,500 years ago.
4.
It is believed that the tribe’s name referred to their homeland in present-day Germany, which was shaped like a fishhook.
Name the country
1.
This country was also named after an invading Germanic tribe.
2.
The tribe’s name came from a Latin word meaning “masculine.”
3.
Their allegiance with Rome, and use of its written Latin language, are two reasons why their language is so different from German.
4.
They controlled so much of Europe at one point that the Arabic and Persian words for “European” are based on their name.
Name the country
1.
This country was named by the Portuguese in the 1470s.
2.
The name comes from the Portuguese word for a traditional overcoat:
Gabao
.
3.
The French gained control of this equatorial country in the late 1800s and helped to end its slave trade.
4.
It’s in western Africa.
Name the country
Myth conception: Rice thrown at weddings
won’t
kill the birds that eat it.
MADE IN JAPAN: WEIRD GAME SHOWS
Reality shows like
The Bachelor, Survivor
and
Fear Factor
prove that people will do just about anything for money…and they’ll do it on national television. But even those shows don’t compare to crazy programs on Japanese television
.
Z
A GAMAN
Object of the Game:
University students compete in contests to see who can stand the most pain, eat the most unpleasant foods, and perform the most humiliating tasks.
Anything for Money:
In one episode, “contestants were taken to an icy location, made to drink huge amounts of beer, and kept jogging up and down as their bladders swelled. The dubious winner was the drinker who lasted longest” without having to pee. (A restroom was provided.) In another segment, contestants rolled down a steep hill inside barrels; in another, they did headstands in the desert while officials with magnifying glasses focused sunlight on their nipples.
Update:
Za Gaman
was the inspiration for the British game show
Endurance U.K
., in which eight players compete in humiliating and disgusting contests—bobbing for false teeth in buckets of pig eyeballs, eating quiches full of maggots—to win valuable prizes.
TAKESHI’S CASTLE
Object of the Game:
This show was inspired by the obstacle courses in 1980s-era video games like Donkey Kong. One hundred players start each game—they’re the “soldiers” of a character called “General Lee” and their goal is to storm Count Takeshi’s castle, which is guarded by Takeshi and his henchmen. Wearing helmets and knee pads, the contestants scream out, “I’ll do my best!” as they begin several rounds of physical challenges, with each successive round being harder than the one before it. Each round puts them closer to Takeshi’s Castle.
In the first round, players might have to scale a wall or, with their hands tied behind their backs, bite a bun that is hanging on a string dangling over their heads. In the next round, they might play tag wearing giant blueberry suits or climb a steep hill while Takeshi’s henchmen shoot water guns at the targets on their helmets. Then contestants might ride a giant rice bowl down a water-slide into a pond—if they fall out of the bowl, they’re out.
British peerage, from lowest to highest rank: baron, viscount, earl, marquis, duke.
Players who fail to complete a round lose the game. Prize for making it to the final round and storming the castle: 1 million yen—about $8,500.
Anything for Money:
So how hard is it? The list of injuries suffered by contestants is long: broken arms, legs, fingers, toes, and jaws; concussions; bruises; and lacerations galore. Usually only 5 or 6 contestants out of the original 100 make it to the final round and attempt to storm Takeshi’s Castle. And most of these attempts fail—the castle has been taken only a handful of times. Want to see the show for yourself? In mid-2003 it began airing on the Spike network under the name
MXC
—
Most Extreme Elimination Challenge
.
TV CHAMPION
Object of the Game:
A different type of competition is aired each week—sushi rolling, cake baking, flower arranging, speed eating, trivia quizzes, etc. Some contests are screwier than others.
Anything for Money:
In the “Lung Man Championship,” contestants bowled by blowing a bowling ball into the pins; in the “Sweat King Championship,” they collected their own sweat in a bottle.
FOOD BATTLE CLUB
Object of the Game:
This show is like
TV Champion
, except that all of the contests are “gluttony” contests—players gorge themselves on food or beverages to see who can consume the most.
Anything for Money:
“Contestants, mostly young men, double-fist platefuls of sushi, drain glasses of milk, and slurp up bowls of steaming ramen noodles. Some visibly hold back a vomit reflex as the cameras zoom in on the food and saliva dribbling down their chins.”
Japan’s craze for speed-eating shows took off in 1996, when a 144-pound speed-eating champ named Hirofumi Nakajima went to New York and won the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog eating contest by downing 241/4 hot dogs in 12 minutes, beating out 320-pound American Ed Krachie. Nakajima, who reportedly had never eaten a hot dog before, went on to win the contest three years in a row. Speed-eating contest shows like
The King of Gluttons
and
The National Big Eaters’ Tournament
flooded Japanese airwaves after Nakajima’s success, and they’re still popular today.