Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (25 page)

Because he came in fourth, Henry Clay was excluded from consideration for the presidency. But as Speaker of the House, he was well positioned to steer it to the candidate of his choice, and his choice was John Quincy Adams. Crawford had suffered a stroke during the campaign and was in no condition to assume presidential duties, and Clay saw Jackson as “a mere military chieftain” with a bad temper and not nearly enough political experience to be president. By comparison, Adams was the Harvard-educated son of a former president, and had served stints as secretary of state and U.S. ambassador to Russia.

Clay worked hard to deliver the presidency to Adams, but when the time came to vote in the House of Representatives, he was still one vote short—he needed New York. But the New York delegation was evenly split, which, according to the rules, meant that its vote wouldn’t even be counted unless someone in the delegation changed their vote.

THAT’S THE TICKET

Henry Clay put enormous pressure on an elderly New York congressman named Stephen Van Rensselaer to change his vote in favor of Adams…but Van Rensselaer couldn’t make up his mind. So when the vote was called, he lowered his head, closed his eyes, and whispered a short prayer, asking for divine guidance.

When Van Rensselaer opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a ticket for John Quincy Adams on the floor beneath his desk. That was all he needed—Van Rensselaer picked up the ticket, carried it over to the ballot box, and put Adams in the White House.

Jackson, who’d won more votes and carried more states than anyone else, was convinced that he’d just been cheated out of the presidency. The Adams presidency, he charged, was the result of a “corrupt bargain”: essentially Henry Clay had delivered the presidency to Adams and Adams appointed Clay Secretary of State, which in those days was considered heir apparent to the presidency. Jackson and his supporters vowed to get revenge.

The Jeffersonian Republican Party was so deeply divided over the election of 1824 that it split in two. Jackson’s supporters now began to refer to themselves as the “
Democratic
-Republican” Party—Democrats for short. Adams’s supporters called themselves the “
National
Republicans.”

The two-party system was back, this time to stay.

MUD FIGHT

What followed was one of the nastiest political battles in the history of the United States. Adams, his reputation tarnished by the charges of corruption, was determined to muddy Jackson’s reputation as well. Adams’s supporters attacked Jackson’s military career, accusing him of misconduct during the War of 1812. They also dug up an old charge (possibly true) that he’d married his wife Rachel before her divorce from her first husband was final. That made her a bigamist, which was not only illegal but scandalous.

Nothing was sacred. Adams’s people even attacked Jackson’s deceased mother. The pro-Adams
National Journal
called her “a
Common Prostitute,
brought to this country by British soldiers! She afterwards married a
Mulatto Man,
by whom she had several children of which number
General Jackson is one!
”

Jackson’s forces fought back, attacking President Adams as an out-of-touch, elitist aristocrat, as well as an alcoholic and a “Sabbath-breaker” who, when he did go to church, went barefoot.

Jupiter is large enough to fit all the planets of the solar system inside it.

LIFE OF THE PARTY

But what really made the election of 1828 remarkable was that it was the first truly
national
presidential campaign. Traditionally, the slow pace of communication across the U.S. necessitated that political campaigns be run at the state and local level, with no national strategy or tactics. That began to change in 1826, when Senator Martin Van Buren, the political boss of New York known as “the Little Magician,” joined forces with the Jackson camp.

Van Buren launched a centrally controlled communications strategy. The campaign formed its own newspaper, called the
United States Telegraph
, and hired a staff of writers to write pro-Jackson articles that were then published in the
Telegraph
and 50 other pro-Jackson papers around the country.

At the same time, local and state committees organized pro-Jackson dinners, barbecues, parades, and other events where local politicos would deliver stump speeches written by the national campaign. Campaign workers sang campaign songs—another innovation for 1828—planted hickory trees in town squares and along major roads, and distributed hickory brooms, hickory canes, and even hickory leaves that people could wear to show their support for Old Hickory. Then, on election day, local Jackson organizations marched their voters to the polls under banners reading “Jackson and Reform.”

DEMOCRATS IN POWER

The old-fashioned Adams campaign could not match the strategy or intensity of the Jackson campaign. Old Hickory won 56% of the popular vote and 178 out of 261 electoral votes, including every state west of New Jersey and south of the Potomac River. “Organization is the secret of victory,” one pro-Adams newspaper observed, and “by want of it, we have been overthrown.”

“Jackson’s victory brought a full-blown party system into existence,” Arthur Schlesinger writes in
Of the People.
“Martin Van Buren…was the champion of the organized party with party machinery, national conventions and national committees, all held together by party discipline and the cult of party loyalty.”

The Democrats were the first to benefit from Van Buren’s system, but other parties would soon follow. Read about the birth of the Whig party on
page 452
.

The word
disco
means “I learn” in Latin.

____________________

As you might imagine, Uncle John is a book hound. He loves “first editions.” So you can imagine how flushed he got when he found a list of some
real
first editions.

•
World’s First Dictionary:
Explaining Words, Analyzing Characters
(100 A.D.), by Xu Shen. Chinese words and definitions.

•
World’s First Fantasy Story:
The Castaway
, published in Egypt circa 1950 B.C. The story of a man who is shipwrecked on an island ruled by a giant bearded serpent with a deep voice and an ability to predict the future.

•
World’s First Sci-Fi Story:
True History
, by Lucian of Samosata, published in the second century A.D. Adventures in outer space, in unknown seas, and on the moon. Everyone in space speaks Greek.

•
World’s First Book of Firsts:
Origins of Ages
(100 B.C.), author unknown. Lists the founders of the ruling families of China.

•
World’s First Novel:
Cyropaedia
(360 B.C.), by the Greek author Xenophon. An account of the life of Cyrus, founder of the Persian empire. The book offers “an idealized account of Persian society, contrasting with the unsympathetic views of most Greeks.”

•
World’s First Autobiography:
Memoirs of Aratus of Sicyon
, published after his death by poisoning in 213 B.C. Critics commend Aratus for admitting his own weaknesses in the book, but fault him for being “insultingly critical of people he disliked.”

•
World’s First Book of Ghost Stories:
Tales of Marvels
(early third century), by Chinese author Tsao Pi. Stories include a haunted house and a man who convinces a ghost that he’s a ghost, too.

•
World’s First Joke Book:
Forest of Jokes
, by Harn Darn Jun, a Chinese author, around 200 A.D. Here’s one of the jokes:

In Lu, a man with a long pole tried to go in through a city gate. But whether he held the pole upright or side on, he couldn’t get through. He was at his wit’s end. Then an old man came up and gave him advice which he acted on: “I may not be a sage, but I have had plenty of experience. Why don’t you saw the pole in half and carry it through that way?”

Humorist Will Rogers once served as honorary mayor of Beverly Hills.

____________________

The Sopranos,
a TV drama about mobsters, is one of the hottest shows ever created by HBO. You may be a fan, but how much do you
really
know about the show?

1.
From the start the show’s creator, David Chase, wanted to call the show
The Sopranos
, but HBO said no. Why?

a)
HBO executives thought the word
Soprano
sounded Greek, not Italian. Who would watch a show about Greek mobsters?

b)
Not “authentic enough.” HBO insisted on
The Fratiannos
, but they backed off when deceased mobster Jimmy “the Weasel” Fratianno’s relatives threatened to sue.

c)
They were afraid viewers would think the show was about opera singers. They were going to call the series
Family Man
, but backed off when Fox introduced the animated series
Family Guy
.

2.
Which of the following other titles were also considered for the show before HBO backed down and let Chase call it
The Sopranos
?

a)
Red Sauce

b)
Made in New Jersey

c)
The Tony Files

d)
All of the above

3.
How did James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano) take up acting?

a)
“I was shy in high school. I thought acting would be a good way to meet girls. It was.”

b)
“I didn’t want a job where I’d work in an office all day.”

c)
“I got tired of working for the phone company. It was either acting or singing, so I flipped a coin. It came up heads—acting.”

d)
“A friend took me to his acting class, and I was scared to death. That really made me mad, so I stayed. I don’t know why.”

4.
Who said, “Hit them over the head with a baseball bat, and they come around” and “I’m gonna come back here and carve my initials in your forehead. You better show me the respect I deserve.”

a)
Jamie-Lynn Sigler (Meadow Soprano) said it to David Chase. According to Chase, she said it when he refused to give her a raise.

More steel is used in the U.S. to make bottle caps than to make cars.

b)
Tony Sirico, the actor who plays Paulie Walnuts. In the early 1970s, he really was a Mob thug. He made the threats during a confrontation with the owner of a New York discotheque.

c)
Dominic Chianese, who plays Uncle Junior, had an uncle who believed that the best way to get good service in a restaurant was by threatening the waiters. He told the story to Chase, who put some of the uncle’s lines in episode 10 of the first season, when Junior threatens an attendant at Livia Soprano’s nursing home.

d)
Chase heard Nancy Marchand (Livia Soprano) say it to her husband on the phone, so he used it in episode 6, when Tony Soprano threatens Anthony Jr.’s football coach.

5.
What is a
goomah
?

a)
The same as a
borgata
—a crime family.

b)
The same as a
jamook
—an idiot or a loser.

c)
The same as a
comare
—a mobster’s mistress.

d)
The same as a
mannagge
—a war with another clan or family.

6.
What was one of the challenges actor Michael Imperioli had to master to play Tony Soprano’s nephew, Christopher Moltisanti?

a)
Learning how to drive.

b)
Learning how to act. He’d played small parts in movies (he was Spider in
Goodfellas
), but he’d never really studied the craft.

c)
Overcoming his stutter.

d)
The New Jersey accent. He was raised in North Dakota.

7.
What is an “executive game”?

a)
A financial scam that cheats wealthy investors by selling them stock in fake companies.

b)
An exclusive, high-stakes poker game for celebrities and rich people.

c)
A code name for a sporting event that has been fixed in advance by paying key players to lose.

d)
The title of episode 12, where Tony wants to join a private country club but can’t because golf is an “executive game” and he’s “the wrong kind of executive.”

Answers on
page 498
.

Cleopatra was married to Ptolemy XIII and Ptolemy XIV—both her brothers.

WEIRD-MART

You’ve probably come up with a business idea you thought was terrific, only to be told it would never work. Well, that didn’t stop these folks.

A
S NOT SEEN ON TV

Toy stores in the United States and Great Britain started selling a new action figure in 2001: Invisible Jim. Like other action figures, Invisible Jim is packaged in a box of clear plastic and colorful cardboard. The only difference is that there’s nothing inside the box. The makers of the “toy” say it’s good for kid’s imaginations and perfect for “anyone with a sense of humor.”

“We get the odd phone call from someone who says, ‘We got an Invisible Jim but he must have fallen out. Could you send me another doll?’ ” said distributor Chris Marler, adding, “When we got the first shipment, we weren’t sure it had actually arrived.”