Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (20 page)

Could be worse: Denmark has the highest income tax in the world. Rates
start
at 42%.

What They’re Blamed For:
The fact that so many of the world’s most powerful players refuse to disclose anything about the group’s meetings strikes many outsiders as downright subversive. What are they doing? The group has been accused of hand picking Western leaders to be their puppets, pointing to circumstantial evidence like the fact that Bill Clinton was invited to attend a meeting before he became president, as was Britain’s Tony Blair before he became prime minister. Conspiracy buffs have even accused the Bilderbergers of masterminding the global AIDS epidemic as a way of controlling world population to the benefit of the European/American elite.

TRILATERAL COMMISSION

Who They Are:
Founded in 1973 by David Rockefeller and former National Security Council chief Zbigniew Brzezinski, this organization is composed of 350 prominent private citizens (none currently hold government positions) from Europe, North America, and Japan (the tri-lateral global power triangle). Like the Bilderberg Group, their stated goal is to discuss global issues and to promote understanding and cooperation. Unlike other groups, this one is more visible: it publishes reports, and members are identified. It’s also more diverse, with women and ethnic groups represented. However, membership is by invitation only, usually on the recommendation of serving members, making it one of the most exclusive private clubs in the world. There are no representatives from developing nations.

What They’re Blamed For:
Many conspiracy theorists view the Trilateral Commission as the “sunny” face of the evil machinations of international bankers and business moguls who are working to make the world their own little oyster, with one financial system, one defense system, one government, and one religion—which they will control. Again, all members are major players in business and government. Americans of note include Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Henry Kissinger, and George Bush (the elder), former Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker, former Speaker of the House Tom Foley, and former U.S. Trade Representative Carla Hills, to name a few. Since there is considerable crossover between the Trilateral Commission and the Bilderberg Group, the commission is thought by some to be under the control of the Illuminati. That it is completely private, with no direct role in government (read “no accountability”), only adds fuel to the fires of suspicious minds.

The average public swimming pool contains more urine than flouride.

SKULL & BONES SOCIETY

Who They Are:
This society was founded at Yale University in 1833. Only 15 senior-year students are admitted annually; they meet twice a week in a grim, windowless building called the Tombs. Unlike most campus fraternities, Skull & Bones appears to focus on positioning its members for success after college. But no one knows for sure, because members are sworn to total secrecy for life. The names of past and current members include many of America’s power elite: both George Bushes, William Howard Taft, as well as the descendants of such famous American families as the Pillsburys, Weyerhausers, Rockefellers, Vanderbilts, and Whitneys.

What They’re Blamed For:
What’s wrong with a little good ol’ boy networking? Nothing, perhaps, but Skull & Bones members have also been accused of practicing satanic rites within the walls of the Tombs. Initiation reportedly requires pledges to lie down in coffins, confess sordid details of their sex lives, and endure painful torture so that he may “die to the world, to be born again into the Order.” Like the Illuminati, the Order (as it’s called by its members) supposedly works to create a world controlled and ruled by the elite—members of Skull & Bones.

BOHEMIAN GROVE

Who They Are:
Founded in 1872 by five San Francisco
Examiner
newsmen as a social boozing club, the Bohemian Grove has been called “one of the world’s most prestigious summer camps” by
Newsweek
. Prospective members may wait up to 15 years to get in and then have to pony up a $2,500 membership fee. The Grove itself is a 2,700-acre retreat set deep in a California redwood forest. Members’ privacy is zealously guarded: no strangers are allowed near the site, and reporters are expressly forbidden entry. The Bohemian Grove motto is from Shakespeare: “Weaving spiders come not here,” a reminder that all deal making is to be left at the gates. The members relax and entertain each other by putting on plays, lecturing on subjects of the day, and wining and dining lavishly.

Buculets
are those little bumpers on the underside of your toilet seat.

So why does anyone care about the Bohemian Grove? Well, the membership is a virtual Who’s Who of the most powerful people (mostly Republican) in American government and business. Members past and present include Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, George W. Bush, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Henry Kissinger, Caspar Weinberger, Stephen Bechtel, Joseph Coors, Alexander Haig, Ronald Reagan, and hundreds more. Critics claim there is no way men like these (no women are allowed) can hang out together and
not
make back-room deals.

What They’re Blamed For:
Conspiracy theorist claim that the Manhattan Project was set up at the Grove and that the decision to make Eisenhower the Republican presidential candidate for 1952 was hammered out between drinks on the lawn.

Darker charges have been made against the Grove as well. Members are purported to practice some odd rituals, such as wearing red hoods and marching in procession like ancient druids, chanting hymns to the Great Owl. Members say it’s all in good fun, but outsiders wonder at the cultlike overtones. Outrageous rumors were rampant in the 1980s: sacrificial murders, drunken revels, even pedophilia, sodomy, kidnapping, and rape. Of course, none of this has ever been proven, but as limousines and private jets swoop into this secret enclave in the woods, the “big boys” continue to party and the rest of the world remains in the dark about just exactly what goes on.

*        *        *

THE SECRET RECIPE FOR
COCA
COLA

The Bathroom Readers Institute is pleased to reveal the closely-guarded secret recipe of
Coca
Cola
. Here it is: 3½
osfsdf
of
Slasfhrlae,
2
oz.
of
Bu,
14
Az fojfaorn,
13⅓
lasu
of
sahsd fjhsaohnsdo,
and a dash of salt. (Now you know—don’t tell anyone.)

Largest private landowner in New York City: the Catholic Church. #2: Columbia University.

THE RHINOCEROS PARTY

Who says politics has to be stodgy and humorless? Not Canada
.

B
ACKGROUND
In the early 1960s, Quebec was wracked by violent protests against the federal government and the Anglo-Saxon establishment that dominated the province. In the midst of this turmoil, Dr. Jacques Ferron, a physician and writer, launched a new political party—a satirical alternative “to serve as a peaceful outlet for disgruntled Quebecois.” And he chose the rhinoceros as the party’s symbol. Why a rhino? Ferron said it epitomized the professional politician—“a slow-witted animal that can move fast as hell when in danger.”

It existed for only 30 years, but the Rhinoceros Party “put the ‘mock’ back in ‘demockracy.’” And for a fringe group, it attracted a surprising number of votes. Here are some of their more creative campaign promises:

•
They vowed to sell Canada’s Senate at an antiques auction in California.

•
They promised to plant coffee, chocolate, and oranges in southern Ontario, so Canada could become a banana republic.

•
In the 1980 election, the Rhinos promised to break all their promises and introduce an era of “indecision and incompetence.”

•
Fielding candidates with names like “Richard the Troll” and “Albert the Cad,” the Rhinos ran on a platform of “sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll” for the masses.

•
Other parties talked about a guaranteed annual income; the Rhinos vowed to introduce a “Guaranteed Annual Orgasm” and to sell seats in Canada’s Senate for $15 each.

•
In 1988 they made national headlines by running a candidate named John Turner against the incumbent opposition leader…John Turner. Turner was not amused (everyone else was).

•
They promised to repeal the law of gravity, provide free trips to bordellos, and nationalize all pay toilets.

•
When the Canadian government was trying to decide where to locate its embassy in Israel, the Rhinoceros Party proposed to locate it in a Winnebago, which could travel continuously between Jerusalem and Tel Aviv.

Q: Why aren’t there any zebras in Prague? A: Czechs and stripes don’t mix.

MORE PROMISES AND PROPOSALS

•
As an energy-saving measure, they proposed larger wheels for the backs of all cars, so they would always be going downhill.

•
They proposed legislating a lower boiling point of water (another energy-saving measure).

•
They also proposed moving half the Rockies one meter to the west, as a make-work project.

•
They promised to make bubble gum the currency of Canada and to provide tax credits for enthusiastic sleepers.

•
They promised to spend $50 million on reform schools for politicians.

•
They pledged that “None of our candidates will be running on steroids.”

•
Another promise: to have the Rocky Mountains bulldozed so that Alberta could get a few extra minutes of daylight.

•
They promised to turn the parliamentary restaurant into a national franchise operation.

•
One Rhino candidate proposed “to create a cartel of the world’s snow-producing countries, call it Snow-pec, and export snow to cool down the Middle East conflict.”

•
They promised to bring back “the good old English system of driving on the left-hand side of the road, but in the first year only, buses and trucks will drive on the right-hand side.”

END OF AN ERA

When the government passed a law in 1993 requiring a $50,000 deposit from every party in a national election—essentially killing off the Rhinoceros Party—the Rhinos asked Canadians to write their own names on the ballot and vote for themselves.

“We cannot fool all of the people some of the time or even some of the people all of the time,” said Charlie McKenzie, the party’s general secretary, “but if we can fool a majority of the people at election time, that’s all the time we need.”

The only American praised by Hitler in
Mein Kampf
? Henry Ford.

HOUSEHOLD ORIGINS

Some things are so commonplace that it’s difficult to imagine life without them. Here’s where these everyday items came from
.

P
LASTIC WRAP
Invented by accident in 1933, when Ralph Wiley, a researcher at Dow Chemical, was washing his lab equipment at the end of the day and found that a thin plastic film coating the inside of one vial wasn’t coming off. The stuff was polyvinylidene chloride, and after further experimentation, Wiley found that the stuff was clingy, resisted chemicals, and was impervious to air and water. It was so tough, in fact, that he wanted to call it “eonite,” after an imaginary indestructible substance in the
Little Orphan Annie
comic strip. Dow decided to call it Saran Wrap instead.

WATER BEDS

Believe it or not, people have been sleeping on water-filled bags for more than 3,500 years. The Persians were apparently the first—they sewed goatskins together, filled them with water, and left them in the sun to get warm. The direct ancestor of the modern water bed was invented in 1853 by Dr. William Hooper of Portsmouth, England, who saw the beds as a medical device that could be used to treat bedridden patients suffering from bedsores, as well as burn victims, and arthritis and rheumatism sufferers. His water bed wasn’t much more than a rubber hot water bottle big enough to sleep on. It wasn’t until 1967 that San Francisco design student Charles Hall made an improved model out of vinyl and added an electric heater to keep the bed warm all the time.

ELECTRIC PLUGS AND SOCKETS

Electricity was first introduced into homes in the 1880s, but every lamp or appliance had to be “hard-wired” into the wall by an electrician. That lasted until 1904, when a Connecticut inventor named Harvey Hubbell was in a penny arcade and noticed a janitor struggling to disconnect the wires of a boxing game so that he could clean behind it. Hubbell knew there had to be a better—not to mention a safer—way to detach and reattach wires to walls.

Looney law: In Brooklyn, it’s illegal to let a dog sleep in your bathtub.

After experimenting with metal and wood (which served as an insulator before plastic came into use), he came up with a two-pronged plug-and-socket system that isn’t all that different from the one used today. In fact, since then there have only been two major updates to his design, both safety features: 1) many plugs and sockets have a third prong that serves as a ground, and 2) one prong is wider than the other so that the plug can only be plugged into the socket one way—keeping “neutral” on the correct side.

BINOCULARS

In 1608 a Dutch maker of eyeglasses named Hans Lippershey noticed that when he held up two lenses and looked through both of them at a church steeple, the steeple looked bigger—it was magnified. So he made a tube, fitted a lens at each end, and tried to obtain a patent for this telescope, which he called a “looker.” The patent application was rejected by Dutch authorities because other people had noticed the same thing before he did and made their own telescopes. (To this day it is not certain who invented the very first telescope.) In addition to rejecting Lippershey’s patent, Dutch authorities complained that squinting through one eyepiece gave them eyestrain, and they asked him to join two telescopes together so that using it wouldn’t give them such a headache. He took their suggestion, and the first binoculars were invented.