Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (19 page)

The Plot Thickens:
In 1998 Gus Van Sant, director of
Good Will Hunting
and
My Own Private Idaho
, decided to make a frame-by-frame, line-by-line remake of the original
Psycho
, filmed in color instead of black and white, and set in the 1990s. Why copy a classic? Universal figured that even if the idea was dumb, at least it would have built-in box-office appeal and get lots of free publicity, which would translate into ticket sales.

For his part, Van Sant figured that if pop singers can make cover versions of classic songs, why shouldn’t filmmakers cover classic movies? He called the remake “experimental art.”

Mosquitoes hibernate.

Van Sant made his dumb idea even dumber by failing to stick to it—not satisfied with merely replicating Hitchcock’s masterpiece, he hyped up the sex and inserted one particularly lurid scene that provides a sexual dimension to Norman Bates’s weird obsessions. That’s what the scene was
supposed
to do, anyway—all it really did was make Van Sant look sadly misguided.

The Critics Speak: “
Van Sant called his film ‘a forgery. Like we’re making a copy of the
Mona Lisa
or the statue of
David
.’ Which, of course, raises the question: Who wants to see a forgery when you can see the real deal?” (Renee Graham,
The Boston Globe
)

JAWS: THE REVENGE (JAWS 4
)

Background:
According to Hollywood legend, when Steven Spielberg was asked to direct the movie adaptation of Peter Benchley’s bestselling novel
Jaws
, he agreed on one condition: that the shark not be seen for the first hour of the film. True or not, the shark movie without too much shark became Spielberg’s first big hit and one of the most successful thrillers ever made, precisely because the limited shark sightings kept audiences in suspense.

The Plot Thickens:
In its time
Jaws
(1975) was the highest-grossing movie ever made, so it’s understandable that Universal execs wanted more. But did they really understand what made the first film work so well? Apparently not, because each succeeding sequel had more and more shark, less and less suspense—and dwindling ticket sales. It probably didn’t help that the scripts, acting, directors, and special effects also got progressively worse. Even with the addition of Michael Caine as a love interest for Chief Brody’s widow (Roy Scheider bailed out after
Jaws 2
),
Jaws: The Revenge
was such a box-office failure that Universal didn’t bother with #5.

The Critics Speak: “
Jaws: The Revenge
is not simply a bad movie, but also a stupid and incompetent one.…The screenplay is simply a series of meaningless episodes of human behavior, punctuated by shark attacks.” (Roger Ebert,
Chicago Sun-Times
)

The Last Laugh: “
I have never seen
Jaws: The Revenge
, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.” (Actor Michael Caine, referring to his mansion in Oxfordshire, England)

Sand melts at 3,100° F.

LET’S PLAY TOILET GOLF

It may be heresy for us to say, but sometimes you just don’t want to read in the bathroom. For those
rare
moments, here are a few products that will help make your next pit stop as fun as a trip to a theme park
.

N
OW
THAT’S
A BATHTUB
In 2003 the Jacuzzi company introduced “La Scala,” a bathtub spa with a built-in, 43-inch flat-screen TV, a CD player, a DVD player, and a floating remote control. Price: $29,000 (installation is extra).

But what about the rest of us, who don’t have $29,000 to spend on a tub? Shouldn’t we be able to have fun in the bathroom, too? Never fear—the BRI is here! We’ve been looking around for things that anyone can use to turn their bathroom into an entertainment center. Here’s what we found:

ROLL MODEL

Product:
Don’t P Me Off Roll Playing Puzzle

Description:
Have you ever solved one of those puzzles where you have to separate a couple of twisted pieces of metal that seem impossibly locked together? This is that kind of puzzle—only with a sadistic twist. The cylindrical wooden box completely encases a roll of toilet paper, so your houseguests can’t get at it…unless they solve the puzzle. How hard is it? The manufacturer’s advice: “We suggest that you have an extra roll on hand.”

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS

Product:
Peeball

Description:
You need a urinal to play, so unless your bathroom is well equipped, your Peeball career will be limited to away games. Peeball is a little smaller than a Ping-Pong ball and is made of bicarbonate of soda, similar to the stuff that Alka-Seltzer is made of.

How to Play:
Toss the ball into the urinal, aim, and fire! The player who dissolves their Peeball in the shortest amount of time is the winner.

A shrimp’s heart is in its head.

Background:
Peeball was developed by England’s Prostate Cancer Charity. Because “difficulty peeing and weak flow” are typical symptoms of prostate cancer, Peeball educates players about the disease and encourages anyone who has the symptoms to get a checkup. “The message is that if men can’t dissolve the Peeball in a certain period of time, they might need to see a doctor,” says spokesperson Gina Growden.

LOO-TERATURE

Product:
Toilet Paper Literature

Description:
Klo-Verlag, a German publishing company, takes novels, detective stories, fairy tales, poetry, and other written works and publishes them on rolls of toilet paper. The company prefers shorter pieces that can be printed several times on the same roll, so that when one “end user” finishes off part of the roll, the next person in the bathroom will still find the remaining material interesting to read. “We want our books to be used,” company head Georges Hemmerstoffer explains. “That’s our philosophy.”

TEE PEE

Product:
Toilet Golf

Description:
The game consists of a green bathroom rug shaped like a putting green, a miniature putter, and two golf balls. The rug wraps around the base of a toilet, so you can practice your putt while on the pot. (Also available: Toilet Bowling and Toilet Fishing.)

SOUND SYSTEMS

• Talking Toilet Paper.
A digital voice recorder is built into the spool of this toilet paper holder. Record any message you want—then, every time someone touches the toilet paper, they’ll get a surprise. Manufacturer’s suggested messages: “This is a bathroom, not a library” or “Whoa! Somebody light a match!”

• Fart Clock.
Every hour on the hour the Fart Clock lets out one of 12 different fart sounds. Includes a light sensor to turn it off when the room darkens.

• Fart Phone.
It farts instead of rings. This phone will provide a mystery every time someone calls—is that the phone, or did somebody step on a duck?

There are 4.5 million wild turkeys in the U.S. (Not including the ones in liquor stores.)

LE HOT DOG?

The French are sensitive about their language—it was once the international language of kings and diplomats. English has taken over, and, to the chagrin of the French, many English words are now finding their way into the lexicon. But the French are fighting back
.

V
IVE LA FRANCE!
When The French Academy (L’Académie Française) was founded in 1635 by Cardinal Richelieu, its mission was high-minded—to keep the French tongue pure and uncorrupted. Richelieu charged the Academy with compiling a definitive dictionary of the French language. Instead, however, the members became obsessed with rooting out vulgar (which means English) influences on their mother tongue. And they were—and are—very serious about it.

In 1757 an academic named Forgeret de Monbron wrote a scathing attack on the influx of English words into the French language. And even more recently, in 1964, René Etiemble, a professor at the Sorbonne, declared, “To violate the French language is a crime. During the war persons were shot for treason. These traitors should now be punished for degrading the French language.”

In 1992 the French parliament passed a law actually making it illegal to use non-French words in contracts, billboards, advertising, and instructions for appliances. The following are some English words in common use in France that have been banned by the Academy:
le baby-sitter, le boss, le bulldozer, bye-bye, le cash flow, le cocktail, le cowboy, le drive-in, le fast-food, le hamburger, le holdup, le hotdog, le jogging, le jukebox, le flashback, le marketing, le parking, le remake, le rip-off, le rock, le shopping, le showbiz, le software, le soda, le sponsor, le stress, le supermarket, le weekend, le zoom
.

L’EMAIL, NON!

The rise of the Internet has spurred an even greater invasion of English words into common French usage. But the Academy has begun to strike back. Nobody in Paris checks their “e-mail”—that word is no longer used. Instead, the Academy wants people to check their
courriel
, an abbreviation of the French term
courrier electronique
(“electronic mail”). They can say good-bye to “chat rooms,” too, unless they log into a
causette
. Here are some other tech terms that have been banned, with their approved French equivalents: computer—
un ordinateur
; software—
le logiciel
; startup—
une jeune pousse
; cookie—
un témoin de connexion
.

Face facts:
Cosmetics
means “skilled in decorating” in Greek.

COLONIAL OVERKILL

While the French are railing against English-language encroachment, the government of Quebec is actually doing something about it. Technically, Canada is a bilingual country—English and French are to be treated equally. But in Quebec, French takes precedence. The province even has its own French-language office whose mission is the “francization” of Quebec. Officers travel the province making sure that shop signs are not only in both French and English but that the letters of the French words are twice the size of the English ones. Violators are hauled into court and fined. For example:

•
Bill McCleary ran a gas station in Shawville, Quebec. In 1998 he was informed by mail that he was in violation of provincial law because the French words on his “Full Service” sign weren’t larger than the English. But the letter he received was in French only. He demanded to be notified in a language he could understand. Bad move. He was fined $690. When the bailiff showed up to collect the fine, McCleary refused to pay. Very bad move. The officer seized his pickup truck, SkiDoo, snowblower, two ATVs, lawn tractor, house trailer, and McCleary’s 1986 Mustang.

•
In 1997 shopkeepers in Montreal’s Chinatown were told to make the French letters twice as large as the Chinese letters on their signs. The storekeepers responded that they would enlarge the French if the rest of the province put Chinese characters on
their
signs. The language office was not amused.

•
A popular coffee shop chain called The Second Cup had three of its locations
fire-bombed
by a terrorist group called the French Self-Defense Brigade. The coffee chain’s offense? The registered trademark on their signs hadn’t been translated into French.

Meanwhile, Back in France:
More than 360 years later, L’Académie Française has yet to finish their French dictionary.

Cotton candy in France is called
barbe à papa
(“Papa’s beard”).

THE PARANOID’S FIELD GUIDE TO SECRET SOCIETIES

Secret societies actually do exist. In fact, there are dozens of them, from the Freemasons to the Ku Klux Klan. But are they really responsible for the world’s ills, as some people believe? Probably not, but on the other hand, you never know…

T
HE ILLUMINATI
Who They Are:
This group was founded in 1776 by Adam Weishaupt, a Jesuit priest, in Bavaria. His mission: to advance the 18th-century ideals of revolution, social reform, and rational thought (the name means “the Enlightened Ones” in Latin). Weishaupt and his cronies were fiercely opposed by the monarchs of Europe and by the Catholic Church, which is why they had to meet and communicate in secret. German author Johann Goethe was a member. In the United States, both Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson were accused of being members and denied it, but both wrote favorably about Weishaupt and his efforts.

What They’re Blamed For:
This group has been associated with more conspiracy theories than any other. Considered the silent evil behind such paranoid bugaboos as One World Government and the New World Order, the Illuminati have been blamed for starting the French and Russian revolutions, as well as both world wars, and almost every global conflict in between. They are said to use bribery, blackmail, and murder to infiltrate every level of power in society—business, banking, and government—to achieve their ultimate goal: world domination.

BILDERBERG GROUP

Who They Are:
Founded in 1952 by Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands, the Bilderberg Group (named after the hotel in Oosterbeck, Holland, where the first meeting was held) was founded to promote cooperation and understanding between Western Europe and North America. To that end, leaders from both regions are invited to meet every year for off-the-record discussions on current issues. The list of attendees has included presidents (every one from Eisenhower to Clinton), British prime ministers (Lord Home, Lord Callaghan, Sir Edward Heath, Margaret Thatcher), captains of industry like Fiat’s Giovanni Agnelli, and financiers like David Rockefeller. Invitees are members of the power elite in their countries, mostly rich and male. Meetings are closed. No resolutions are passed, no votes are taken, and no public statements are ever made.