Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (32 page)

IN YOUR HANDS
, my fellow citizens, more than mine, will rest the final success or failure of our course. Since this country was founded, each generation of Americans has been summoned to give testimony to its national loyalty. The graves of young Americans who answered the call to service surround the globe.

Now the trumpet summons us again—not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are—but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, “rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation,” a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Can we forge against these enemies a grand and global alliance, north and south, east and west, that can assure a more fruitful life for all mankind? Will you join in that historic effort?

In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility—I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it—and the glow from that fire can truly light the world.

AND SO, MY FELLOW AMERICANS
: Ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.

My fellow citizens of the world: Ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.

Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us here the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God’s work must truly be our own.

*        *        *

MORE CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

• “Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.”

• “Our next song is: ‘Angels We Have Heard Get High.’”

• “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.”

Hummingbirds can fly upside down.

STAR TREK WISDOM

Is there intelligent life in TV’s outer space? You decide.

“Is there anyone on this ship who, even remotely, looks like Satan?”

—
Kirk

Tuvok:
“The phaser beam would ricochet along an unpredictable path, possibly impacting our ship in the process.”

Janeway:
“All right, we won’t try that.”

“Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That’s the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim.”

—
Kirk

“I’m a doctor, not an escalator.”

—
McCoy

“I must say, there’s nothing like the vacuum of space for preserving a handsome corpse.”

—
Doctor

“I’m attempting to construct a mnemonic memory circuit, using stone knives and bearskins.”

—
Spock

“The best diplomat I know is a fully-loaded phaser bank.”

—
Scotty

“Mr. Neelix, do you think you could possibly behave a little less like yourself?”

—
Tuvok

“What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?”

—
McCoy

“Time travel, from my first day on the job I promised myself I’d never let myself get caught up in one of these God-forsaken paradoxes. The future is the past; the past is the future. It all gives me a headache.”

—
Janeway

“It’s difficult to work in a group when you’re omnipotent.”

—
Q

Data:
“Tell me, are you using a polymer-based neuro-relay to transmit organic nerve impulses to the central processor of my positronic net?”

Borg Queen:
“Do you always talk this much?”

“The weak innocents…they always seem to be located on the natural invasion routes.”

—
Kirk

“I’m a doctor, not a bricklayer.”

—
McCoy

Survival of the fittest? Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.

WHERE THERE’S A WILL…THERE’S GRACE

Here’s the story of a network sitcom that used laughter to overcome a social taboo.

C
OMING OUT

Primetime TV’s first homosexual character was Jodie Dallas, played by Billy Crystal on ABC’s
Soap
in 1977. Over the next two decades, a few shows with supporting gay characters came and went, but it wasn’t until 1998 that homosexuality on network TV made headlines.

That April, actress and comedian Ellen DeGeneres, star of the highly rated show,
Ellen
, revealed a very intimate detail of her private life—she announced publicly that she’s gay. And
Ellen
, which had been a popular TV comedy since 1994, suddenly turned into a political forum for gay issues. Result: The ratings plummeted. Major advertisers pulled their support; outraged viewers began boycotting Disney, ABC’s parent company; and religious groups prepared for a full-scale, nationwide protest. But was it the politics that hurt the new
Ellen
? Critics said it was the lack of comedy that came
with
the politics. “We know you’re a lesbian,” British rocker Elton John said. “Now, shut up and be funny!” But
Ellen
wasn’t, so ABC pulled the plug.

A NEW APPROACH

Around the same time, David Kohan and Max Mutchnick, creators of the critically acclaimed shows
Boston Common
and
Dream On
, approached NBC with an idea for a new sitcom that would feature homosexuality. The show would be about three couples, two straight and one gay. One of the gay men (Will) was best friends with one of the straight women (Grace).

In a surprising move, NBC brass suggested that Kohan and Mutchnick “get rid of the heterosexual couples and develop the show for Will and Grace.” But with the
Ellen
backlash still in the news, they had to be careful…or the new show might die a quick death. From the beginning, they knew two things would make the show successful: don’t make it just about homosexuality, and more importantly, make it funny.

Goldilocks was originally named Silver Hair.

SKIPPING TO THE GOOD PART

Here’s the premise they came up with: boy meets girl, boy asks girl to marry him, boy realizes he’s gay, they overcome a tough breakup and eventually become best friends.

Kohan, who’s straight, and Mutchnick, who’s gay, opted to fast-forward through the romance and “coming out.” The pilot episode, which aired in September 1998, began with Will Truman (played by Eric McCormack), a lawyer who’s comfortable with his homosexuality, offering his support and the spare room of his Manhattan apartment to Grace Adler (Debra Messing), a self-employed interior designer, who has recently left her fiancé at the altar.

Grace accepts the offer, but not without attitude from Will’s flamboyant, man-chasing best friend, Jack McFarland (Sean Hayes), who was promised first dibs on the room. The fourth character in the ensemble was Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Grace’s spoiled, smart-mouthed, pill-popping assistant.

REELING IN THE CAST

• Eric McCormack, best known for his role in the syndicated series
Lonesome Dove: The Outlaw Years
, worried about being type-cast as gay (he’s straight). But when he actually read for the part, he realized how perfect he was for the role. “Will was me in every way except sexuality,” said McCormack.

• Debra Messing had two successive flops under her belt—Fox’s
Ned & Stacey
and ABC’s
Prey
—and was fearful of adding a third, so she rejected the offer to star. It took a house call from Mutchnick and Kohan (and a bottle of vodka) to get her onboard.

• Sean Hayes was originally asked to read for the Will role but was out of town during the auditions. So he ended up reading for the role of Jack, which required a more in-your-face style which comes natural to Hayes. “As I was walking out of the audition,” said Hayes, “I turned around and said, ‘Hey, Max, don’t be checking out my ass.’ And they said, ‘Okay,
that’s
Jack McFarland.’” (In real life, Hayes keeps his sexuality a secret. “I like the mystery. When you see me play Jack, I want you to believe that that’s a gay character…when I play a straight character, I want you to believe that, too.”)

• Megan Mullally, who had recurring roles on
Seinfeld, Frasier, Just Shoot Me
, and several other hit TV shows, was so underwhelmed by the role of Karen that she intentionally missed her audition. The producers called her at home and coaxed her into the studio. “At the last minute,” said Mullally, “something told me to go for it.” Good thing she did. Karen has developed a cult following that rivals
Seinfeld
’s Cosmo Kramer.

In the 13th century, suits of armor weighed as much as 90 pounds.

AGAINST THE ODDS

Although NBC gave the show the green light, they decided not to promote it heavily and they put it in one of the toughest time slots: pitted against Fox’s
Ally McBeal
, a favorite among female viewers, and ABC’s
Monday Night Football
, the seasonal reason-to-live for many male viewers. But
Will & Grace
did have one very good thing going for it: longtime comedy director James Burrows. Highly regarded for his award-winning work on
Cheers, Frasier, Friends, Third Rock from the Sun, Taxi
, and
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
, Burrows equals laughs in the world of network sitcoms.

Will & Grace
became the highest rated new sitcom of the 1998 fall season, averaging 10.9 million viewers per episode. NBC quickly moved it to the coveted Thursday night at 9:00 p.m., “Must-See TV” time slot, where it has remained for six consecutive seasons.

And all this without causing a smidgen of controversy.

Advertisers didn’t flee; religious activist groups left it alone; no boycotts were threatened.
Will & Grace
had become a true crossover hit, gaining a loyal following of gay and straight viewers alike.

PAVING THE WAY

In the wake of
Will & Grace
’s success, other popular network shows such as
Dawson’s Creek
and
Party of Five
added gay characters and integrated gay topics into their story lines—all without incident.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
, a show where five gay men give fashion advice to straight men, debuted in 2003 as the highest-rated show in Bravo cable network history.

In its fifth season,
Will & Grace
was primetime’s #3 show among adults 18 to 49 and the #2 comedy. In 2003 the show received 12 Emmy nominations, including one for outstanding casting for a comedy series, proof that a little humor really can go a long way. “The only thing we’re trying to force down people’s throats,” says Kohan, “is comedy.”

The IRS estimates that $20–$40 billion are lost to tax fraud every year.

CURTAINS!

When you go to the theater, you expect to see a well-rehearsed play, but that’s not always what you get. Sometimes actors forget lines or the scenery falls and the cast has to find a way to keep the show going…sometimes with hilarious results.

A
KNOCKOUT PERFORMANCE

During a performance of
Rumplestiltskin
at The Afternoon Players of Salt Lake City, the actor playing Rumplestiltskin made an unscripted leaping exit—and knocked himself out on a door frame. The actress playing the Princess had no idea that he’d been hurt. According to the plot, the Princess has to guess Rumplestiltskin’s name by midnight or he’ll take away her baby. The actress sat onstage and waited for the Rumplestiltskin character to reappear. When he didn’t, she began to improvise.

“I wonder where that funny little man is?” she asked, loudly. “That funny little man was supposed to come back here and I was supposed to guess his name.” Still no Rumplestiltskin. While she improvised, the actors backstage were frantically trying to think of what to do. Finally two of them put on silly hats and ran onstage. “You know that funny little man?” one of them said, in a very meaningful way. “Well, he’s
neve
r coming back.”

The Princess’s eyes widened in horror. “You mean, he’s
never
coming back?”

“No. He’s
never
coming back.” The three stood there in dead silence. Finally the other actor spoke. “But he told us to tell you that he knew you had guessed his name. It’s Rumplestiltskin. And now you can keep your baby! Hooray!” Curtain down. End of play.

“IT’S A MIRACLE!”

The Miracle Worker
tells the story of Helen Keller, who was deaf, dumb, and blind. In one production in the Midwest, the actor playing the Doctor was discovered to have a drinking problem. But as his character was only in the first scene, the director took pity on him and cast him anyway.

At the start of the play, the Doctor is supposed to inform the Keller family that a fever has left their infant without the use of her eyes, ears, or vocal chords. Unfortunately, on opening night, the actor drunkenly blurted, “Mr. and Mrs. Keller, I’ve got bad news. Your daughter is…dead.”

Going places: Americans take 215 million business trips each year.