Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (36 page)

WHAT’S A JEROBOAM?

You know those huge, phony-looking wine bottles in restaurant windows and liquor stores? We did a little research and found out that they’re not phony—they’re really filled with wine.

T
AKING THE FIFTH

One of the most recognizable shapes in the world is the glass wine bottle, which came into common use 300 years ago. Back then the bottle (called a
fifth
) was considered the ideal size because it held what was thought to be a reasonable amount for the average man to consume with dinner—a fifth of a gallon.

But the fifth wasn’t the only size. Many vintners, particularly in the Champagne region of France, have always made larger bottles for special occasions. The first step up, the
magnum
, was a logical extension of the standard bottle—it held double the amount of wine. For reasons lost to history, as larger and larger sizes appeared, vintners began giving the new wine behemoths biblical names.

Originally the bottle sizes were measured in ounces, but in the 1970s, the wine industry adopted the metric system and everything changed. A fifth, for example, was rounded off to 750 milliliters, the size you’ll find on most dining tables around the world today. Here’s a handy reference chart for the budding oenophile who doesn’t want to confuse a
jeroboam
with a
nebuchadnezzar
.

PUT A CORK IN IT

To muddy the waters thoroughly, here are some exceptions:

Steepest snowboard descent: 72° by Tom Burt on Donner Pass in California.

• A methuselah is called an imperial in Bordeaux, France.

• Bordeaux vintners also call a jeroboam a
double magnum
.

• The melchior is sometimes called a
solomon
.

• The
fillette
is a half bottle (375 milliliters) used in the Loire Valley.

SO WHO WERE THESE GUYS?

•
Jeroboam:
The first king of Israel, 976 to 945 B.C.

•
Rehoboam:
The son of Solomon, and king of Judah from 975 to 958 B.C.

•
Methuselah:
A Hebrew patriarch, said to have lived to be 969 years old.

•
Salmanazar:
Five kings of Assyria shared this name. The most important was Salmanazar III, who ruled from 859 to 824 B.C.

•
Balthazar:
Two choices—one was the regent of Babylon, killed by Cyrus around 539 B.C. The other was one of the three wise men who followed the star to Bethlehem, for Jesus’ birth.

•
Nebuchadnezzar:
The most powerful of the Babylonian kings, ruler from 605 to 562 B.C. He razed the temple in Jerusalem and carried the Jewish people off into captivity.

•
Melchior:
Another one of the wise men in the Bible.

ODD LOTS

• The
Marie-jeanne
is a 3-bottle-size used occasionally by Bordeaux vintners.

• The largest bottle in common use is the
primat
, a 27-liter (36-bottle) monster that weighs 143 pounds (65 kg) when full.

• The largest bottle ever blown came from Staffordshire, England, in 1958. It held 26 gallons of sherry (about 6-1/2 nebuchadnezzars) and when filled weighed 220 pounds. It was called an
adelaide
.

• Champagne maker Pol Roger produced an imperial pint bottle (600 milliliters) just for Winston Churchill, which he drank every day at exactly 11 a.m.

*        *        *

“God made only water, but man made wine.”

—
Victor Hugo

Wine is mentioned in every book of the Bible, except Jonah.

I’VE BEEN CORNOBBLED!

You won’t find these archaic words in most dictionaries, but take our word for it—they’re real. And just for fun, try to use them in a sentence. (We did—check out
page 457
.
)

Hobberdehoy,
A youth entering manhood

Faffle,
To stutter or mumble

Dasypygal,
Having hairy buttocks

Cornobbled,
Hit with a fish

Collieshangie,
A noisy or confused fight

Wem,
A stain, flaw, or scar

Calcographer,
One who draws with chalk

Bodewash,
Cow dung

Twiddlepoop,
An effeminate-looking man

Liripoop,
A silly creature

Leptorrhinian,
Having a long narrow nose

Bridelope,
When the new bride is “both symbolically and physically swept off on horseback” to the husband’s home

Mundungus,
Garbage; stinky tobacco

Chirogymnast,
A finger-exercise machine for pianists

Toxophily,
love of archery

Pismire,
An ant

Valgus,
Bowlegged or knock-kneed

Xystus,
An indoor porch for exercising in winter

Jumentous,
Having a strong animal smell

Saprostomous,
Having bad breath

Balbriggan,
A fine cotton used mainly for underwear

Atmatertera,
A great-grandfather’s grandmother’s sister

Anisognathous,
Having the upper and lower teeth unlike

Whipjack,
A beggar pretending to have been shipwrecked

Spodogenous,
Pertaining to or due to the presence of waste matter

Crapandina,
A mineral such as toadstone or bufonite said to have healing properties

Galligaskin,
Baggy trousers

What’s for dinner, honey? A hive of honeybees eats up to 30 pounds of honey over the winter.

BATHROOM NEWS

Here are a few fascinating bits of bathroom trivia that we’ve flushed out from around the world.

O
PEN AND SHUT CASE

In March 1997, a Russian Antonov-24 charter plane broke apart in midair and crashed just 30 minutes after takeoff. Investigators looking into the crash concluded that moisture leaking from a toilet had damaged the structural integrity of the plane. Then, apparently somebody on the fatal flight slammed the restroom door a little too hard, “causing a chain reaction of disintegration in the structure beneath the toilet, which was rotten due to the prolonged water leakage.”

KEEP IT CLEAN

In July 2003, Vietnam’s Ministry of Culture and Information banned the broadcast of commercials for toilet paper between the hours of 6:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. Reason: Viewers complained that seeing T.P. commercials at dinnertime caused them to lose their appetite. Airing such ads at the dinner hour “is not suitable to the national psychology, manners, and customs” of Vietnam, the country’s state-controlled
Tien Phong
newspaper reported. The ban also applies to commercials for condoms, sanitary napkins, and skin disease medications.

SHELTER FROM THE STORM

The town of Van Wert, Ohio, was struck by not one but
four
tornadoes on November 11, 2002. One of the tornadoes bore down on the town movie theater just as a matinee crowd of about 50 people were getting ready to watch
The Santa Clause 2.
The twister ripped the roof off the theater and tossed two automobiles into the seats, where patrons had been sitting just moments before. Amazingly, no one was injured because the management had evacuated everyone into the only part of the building strong enough to withstand the tornado—the restrooms. “Could have been a real tragedy,” said Jack Snyder, spokesman for the Van Wert County Emergency Management Agency. “We consider ourselves very lucky.”

Comic book quiz: What was Woody Woodpecker’s hometown? A. Puddleburg.

THE NIGHT SHIFT

In June 2003, Danish researchers released a scientific study on a medical condition known as
nocturia
—having to get up several times a night to pee. Their findings:

• Sleep deprivation caused by nocturia can result in “daytime sleepiness, depression…poor memory, and difficulties managing work.”

• The average worker with nocturia suffers a 10% drop in productivity. Estimated cost to the European economy: nearly $16 million per year.

MORE THAN HE CAN BEAR

Ed Yurkovich made a trip to the bathroom at his home in Willard, Wisconsin, in June 2003. His pit stop would have been unremarkable except for two things: 1) he left the bathroom window ajar, and 2) there are bears in Willard, Wisconsin.

Yurkovich left the house, and while he was gone a 300-pound bear pried the bathroom window completely open and climbed into the house. Once inside, the bear couldn’t figure out how to get back out, so it roamed from room to room, pooping on the floor and scratching at other windows, trying to get out. When Yurkovich returned home, the bear was lying on the living room floor. As soon as he opened the front door the bear ambled out and disappeared into the trees. Estimated damage: $1,000.

*        *        *

GOING OUT WITH A BANG

What happens when a congressman running for reelection accidentally discharges a gun at a neighborhood reception? He loses. In 2002, Republican Congressman Bob Barr attended a rally hosted by Bruce Widener, a local lobbyist and gun collector. As Widener handed Barr an antique .38-caliber pistol from his collection, it suddenly went off, shattering a glass door. Barr, a board member of the National Rifle Association, was in a tight primary battle against another congressman, John Linder, and the incident helped Linder paint Barr as an extremist. “We were handling it safely,” Widener explained. “Except that it was loaded.”

Q: What is an
undecennial
? A: An 11th anniversary.

MADE A FORTUNE…

Uncle John grew up near an old, crumbling outhouse way out in the woods…but now he has a lavish two-holer right in his backyard. Here are some other people who have come from humble beginnings to achieve great wealth.

J
IM CARREY

From Rags…
He had to drop out of high school and take a job as a janitor in a factory. In fact, his entire family worked in that factory, living in a small cottage on the grounds. At his lowest low, Carrey wrote a $10 million check to himself…to be redeemed when he made the big time.

…to Riches:
After working the comedy circuit for years, Carrey landed a role on
In Living Color
, which led to a movie deal. In 1996 he became the highest paid actor ever when he received $20 million to star in
Cable Guy
. When his father died, Carrey placed the check he had written to himself in his dad’s burial suit.

J. K. ROWLING

From Rags…
As a single mother living on public assistance, Rowling started writing
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
in a café while her baby daughter napped. Why the café? Because it was warmer than the tiny flat she lived in. When Bloomsbury Books bought her manuscript in 1996, she was thrilled. The £1,500 (about $2,400) she was advanced was more money than she’d ever received at one time in her life.

…to Riches:
Four years and three more books later, Rowling was worth more than $400 million…and she’s not done yet.

OPRAH WINFREY

From Rags…
Born in Mississippi to unwed teenage parents, Winfrey grew up in poverty. While living in Milwaukee, she was molested by relatives. Not knowing what else to do, her mother sent her to live in a detention home.

To Riches:
Fortunately, the detention home was full and Winfrey went to live with her father. He nurtured her abilities and helped her get to college. Now, as the queen of the talk show, Winfrey is worth an estimated $1 billion.

Baby seals are called
weaners
.

…LOST A FORTUNE

Like the celebrities on the opposite page, these people came from humble beginnings. But we think what happened to them
after
they made their fortunes is much more interesting.

W
ILLIE NELSON

From Riches…
By 1988 Willie Nelson had been a country music star for nearly 20 years and had two multiplatinum albums under his belt.

…to Rags:
Due to years of “creative” accounting, in 1990 Nelson owed the IRS $16.7 million. To pay it, he had to auction off just about everything he owned.

M. C. HAMMER

From Riches…
“U Can’t Touch This,” released in 1990, became a pop phenomenon, making Hammer an overnight superstar. A world tour and endorsement deals with Pepsi and KFC followed.

…to Rags:
Hammer went on a $30 million spending spree that included mansions and a $500,000-a-month payroll. After two mediocre follow-up albums and some poor investments, Hammer declared bankruptcy in 1996, more than $13 million in debt.