Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (40 page)

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T
HE WRITE STUFF

The host of the Academy Awards is expected to be perfect. He’s supposed to be smooth and gracious, funny but not too irreverent; ready with a witty ad-lib if something goes wrong, and most importantly, properly respectful of the evening’s events. And he’s supposed to do it all on live television in front of millions of people. It may look easy from the audience, but it takes
a lot
of preparation.

When Steve Martin was asked to host the 2003 Academy Awards, he assembled a team of top-notch comedy writers six months in advance of the event. They met at his home in Los Angeles eight times before the big night to prepare “the greatest opening monologue ever.” Martin had a list of nominees, presenters, and stars who might be attending the ceremonies. At each meeting he sat at his laptop while the team of seven jokesmiths tossed out ideas. So who made the team?

•
Dave Barry,
Pulitzer Prize–winning columnist for the
Miami Herald
since 1983. He has written 24 bestselling humor books and is the subject of the CBS TV show
Dave’s World
.

•
Bruce Vilanch,
Hollywood Squares
regular and award-winning writer for the Oscar, Emmy, Tony, and Grammy shows as well as for Bette Midler and Whoopi Goldberg.

•
Rita Rudner,
standup comic and TV host.

•
Dave Boone,
head writer for
Hollywood Squares
. An Academy Award veteran, he also wrote material for Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg.

•
Andy Breckman,
writer for David Letterman and
Saturday Night Live
. He also created the TV show
Monk
.

•
Beth Armogida,
joke writer for Jay Leno and for Drew Carey on
Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Average temperature at the South Pole: –56°F. At the North Pole: –21°F.

•
Jon Macks,
staff writer for
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
and an Academy Award veteran.

THE BIG NIGHT

On Oscar night, while Martin stood at the microphone onstage, his comedy advisors were gathered in a small room, just offstage. As he delivered lines like, “A movie star is many things: tall, short, thin, or skinny,” they sat in a semi-circle facing a wall of television screens that showed the audience and the stage. Martin would introduce a presenter and then run to join the team for instant feedback and new jokes. When something unusual happened during the presentation, the writers wrote a few funny lines about it and Martin delivered them seconds later. For example, when Sean Connery appeared in a tuxedo accented with a frilly white front, Martin quipped, “So many people here tonight are wearing Armani but Sean is wearing Red Lobster.”

Martin’s team even handled the most controversial moment of the night with ease. When the outspoken filmmaker Michael Moore accepted his Oscar for
Bowling for Columbine
, Martin hurried to join his writers backstage. As Moore criticized President Bush for his handling of the war in Iraq, drawing cheers and catcalls in equal measure, the backstage writers went to work. From a list of possible jokes, the writers picked one, refined it, and sent Martin back onstage to ease the tension: “Backstage, it’s so sweet. The Teamsters are helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.”

* * *

Will Rogers, Frank Sinatra, Whoopi Goldberg, Jimmy Stewart, Fred Astaire, Jerry Lewis, Robin Williams, Chevy Chase, David Letterman, and even Paul Hogan hosted the Academy Awards. But who hosted the most?

•
Bob Hope
hosted 17 times—the most ever. “Welcome to the Academy Awards, or as they’re known at my house, Passover,” he said, referring to his failure to win an Oscar.

•
Billy Crystal
hosted 7 times, 1990–1993, 1997–1998, 2000.

•
Johnny Carson
hosted 5 times, 1979–1982, 1984: The first non-movie star to host, he called the ceremony “two hours of sparkling entertainment spread over a four-hour show.”

Of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World, six are lost. Only the pyramids of Egypt remain.

CELEBRITY LAWSUITS

Here are a few more real-life examples of unusual legal battles involving celebrities.

P
LAINTIFF:
Michael Costanza

DEFENDANT:
Jerry Seinfeld

LAWSUIT:
In 1998 Costanza filed a $100 million lawsuit against Seinfeld and the producers of the show
Seinfeld
, TV’s “show about nothing.” He claimed that the character George Costanza, played by Jason Alexander, was actually based on him. He and Seinfeld had been friends at Queen’s College, he said, and his privacy rights had been violated when his “name, likeness, and persona” were used to create the neurotic George without his permission. He and George even had some of the same jobs, he said. Seinfeld never denied knowing Costanza, but spokesmen for the show insisted that the character was based on the show’s producer, Larry David, not on Costanza. David called Costanza, who was “never that close of a friend to the star,” a “liar” and a “flagrant opportunist.” (Which actually does sound kind of like George.)

VERDICT:
Michael Costanza lost. In June 1999, Justice Harold Tompkins wrote, “While a program about nothing can be successful, a lawsuit must have more substance.”

PLAINTIFF:
Painter James Abbott McNeill Whistler

DEFENDANT:
Critic John Ruskin

LAWSUIT:
In July 1877, Ruskin, England’s most famous art critic, wrote a vicious attack on Whistler’s Impressionist painting
Nocturne in Black and Gold: The Falling Rocket
. Ruskin was not a fan of the still-new, non-traditional style of Impressionism and accused Whistler of trying to sell “unfinished paintings.” He went on to write, “I have seen, and heard, much of Cockney impudence before now; but never expected to hear a coxcomb [a fool] ask two hundred guineas for flinging a pot of paint in the public’s face.” Whistler, an expatriot American who was already famous in his own right for paintings such as
Arrangement in Grey and Black
(better known as Whistler’s Mother), sued for libel. In one heated exchange, Ruskin’s lawyer asked, “The labor of two days is that for which you ask two hundred guineas?” Whistler responded, “No. I ask it for the knowledge I have gained in the work of a lifetime.” Ruskin himself refused to appear in the courtroom, but his lawyer reported Ruskin’s promise to retire from criticism forever if he lost the case.

At its deepest point, the Pacific Ocean is 36,198 feet deep (about 6.85 miles).

VERDICT:
Ruskin lost the case. He lived the rest of his years in seclusion. But Whistler lost, too: the jury gave him a dubious award—one farthing and no court costs. He had to declare bankruptcy, losing his home and most of his personal property to pay the fees.

PLAINTIFF:
The states of Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Missouri, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Washington, West Virginia, and Wisconsin, and the District of Columbia

DEFENDANT:
Robin Leach

LAWSUIT:
In 1999 Leach, former host of the television show
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
, appeared in ads hawking vacation packages for three Florida-based travel companies. Residents of various states received letters suggesting they had “won” a vacation to Florida and a cruise to the Bahamas. Anyone who claimed the prize received a video in which Leach promised “world-class” vacations and “an experience you’ll never forget.” That last claim turned out to be true. “Winners” ended up paying up to $1,100 for their “free” vacation and instead of ritzy beachfront hotels, got roach-infested motels miles from shore. The “cruise” turned out to be an uncomfortable one-day ferry ride; the “Las Vegas entertainment” was a bingo game. Customers complained, and attorneys general across the country filed suit.

VERDICT:
The three travel companies paid millions in restitution to their customers. Leach paid, too: Federal Trade Commission rules say a spokesperson must believe that any claims they make are true, and those beliefs must be based on personal experience. Leach agreed to an undisclosed settlement. “Next time Robin Leach puts his name behind a vacation package promising champagne wishes and caviar dreams,” said Washington attorney general Christine Gregoire, “he’d better know those promises are true.”

Soft rock: The Rock of Gibraltar is mostly grey limestone.

IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD

More proof that truth really is stranger than fiction.

C
AGEY PROPOSITION

“In Halberstadt, Germany, in September, an organist kicked off a performance of the late, radical composer John Cage’s ‘Organ 2/ASLSP’ (an acronym somehow derived from ‘as slow as possible’), which was written for 20 minutes, but thanks to technology and imagination, will be performed over a period lasting 639 years. The first six months will be devoted to creating the organ’s first note. The purpose of the performance is to contrast the piece with the frenzied pace of modern society.”

—
Medford
Mail Tribune

DON’T FEED THE HUMAN

“Adam Zaretsky knows what it’s like to live in a fishbowl: He’s on exhibit at the zoo.

“Zaretsky is known as ‘Zed, species
Homo sapiens
,’ in the ‘Workhorse Zoo’ exhibit. His home is an 8-by-8-foot glass room he shares with albino frogs, families of mice, microscopic worms and yeast.

“‘I’m actually trying to blur the boundary between what is human culture and what is reality,’ said 34-year-old San Francisco conceptual artist, Zaretsky, while stretched out on an ambulance gurney that he uses for a bed.

“Julia Reodica, who was Zaretsky’s teaching assistant while he served as a visiting professor at San Francisco State University, is the zookeeper. ‘As a serious researcher, I am finding Zed temperamental and unpredictable,’ observed Reodica, clad in a Boy Scout uniform with long, zip-up black go-go boots. ‘When agitated, he throws rubbish against the windows.’”

—
SFGate

ALE-EMENTARY SCHOOL

“Got beer? Belgian first graders do. A group called Limburg Beer Friends has talked at least two elementary schools into serving low-alcohol lagers and bitters at lunch, and more may follow this fall. Students are lapping up the program, says LBF chair Rony Langenaeken, who’s convinced beer is better for kids than sugary soda drinks.”

The double popsicle stick was introduced in the Depression…so two people could share it.

—
Newsweek

THANK YOU, COME AGAIN

“When an armed robber who took less than $100 from a 7-11 store in St. Peters, Missouri, couldn’t get his getaway car started, he returned to the store, handed back the money and told the two clerks it was all just a joke. They agreed to give his vehicle a jump start, not to write down his license plate number and wait about 40 minutes before calling the police. ‘We have a friendly town out here,’ police Officer David Kuppler noted, indicating the suspect was arrested anyway, 45 minutes later.”

—
Wacky News

BIRD BRAIN

“When David Ashley was charged with raising poultry without a permit, he appeared in court in Seneca Falls, NY, with a rooster tucked under his arm. Village Justice Gordon Tetor ordered the bird removed, but Ashley told the judge the bird was his attorney, explaining it ‘was the only legal counsel I could afford.’”

—
Strange Tails

* * *

DO AS WE SAY…NOT AS WE DO

“
Consumer Reports
, the magazine that tests products for safety and reliability, had to recall 15,000 glove compartment organizers that the magazine gave as an incentive to new subscribers. Reason: They hadn’t tested the product. The plastic flashlight included in the kit turned out to be prone to overheating and melting, and the tire gauge gave inaccurate readings, which might cause people to inflate their tires improperly. In a letter to its readers the magazine admitted their goof. ‘We’ve learned a valuable lesson,’ president Jim Guest told readers.”

—
Oops!