Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (39 page)

And nobody would admit to adding the rider to the bill.

Finally, weeks later, House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R-Texas) admitted he had done it, explaining, “It’s a matter of national security. We need vaccines if the country is attacked with germ weapons.” Adding to the intrigue, he said he had put the rider in at the request of the White House. What connection did the White House have to Eli Lilly? In the 1970s, former President George H. W. Bush sat on the board of Eli Lilly; White House budget director Mitch Daniels was a former Eli Lilly exec; and current Eli Lilly CEO Sidney Taurel served on the president’s Homeland Security Advisory Council.

UPDATE:
In January 2003, amid complaints from parents of autistic children and growing media speculation about corporate influence on lawmaking, Republicans announced that the rider would be repealed.

Weird fact: Hawaii has 3 Interstate Highways. (Think about it.)

HAPPY TOILETS

While some governments fret over trivial matters such as national security and unemployment, other governments focus on what’s truly important.

K
EEP IT CLEAN

In the past, Singapore’s government has launched campaigns against gum-chewers. Now they’re going to flush out dirty toilets. Why? Environmental minister Lim Swee Say and the government-sponsored Restroom Association of Singapore believe it’s important to maintain the country’s reputation as a “magnet for human talent and a top location for investment. A country with dirty toilets has no future.” To ensure Singapore’s future, they have launched the “Happy Toilet” campaign—a plan to rate every one of the 70,000 public restrooms located in this tiny Asian country’s shopping malls, food courts, and public buildings.

“Today when you go to a public toilet you do not know what to expect inside,” says Jack Sim, president of the Restroom Association. “Sometimes you are very happy but sometimes you are very shocked—disgusted. When toilets are clean, people are happy.”

THE STAR SYSTEM

The association has established a five-star rating system, with the inspectors judging toilets for cleanliness, layout, and ergonomics. Just the basics gets a restroom three stars: clean and stocked with toilet paper, soap, and paper towels. For the highest rating? The restroom “has to have a good ambiance,” says Mr. Sim. “Probably with plants and pictures.”

One 5-star restroom features a poster of a woman dressed like a giant cockroach, smoking a cigarette, with strands of toilet paper dangling from her legs. “Dirty toilets attract the wrong crowd,” reads the caption. As Minister Say placed a five-star plaque outside a restroom at a shopping mall, he said, “I am looking forward to experiencing this toilet myself so I can walk out of it feeling happy!”

Future visitors to Singapore are well advised to take the Happy Toilet program seriously. Stiff fines will be imposed on any toilet users who forget to flush.

Barbie (the doll) has a last name: Roberts. Ken’s last name is Carson.

HEROIC BIRDS

Look up in the sky! It’s a bird, it’s a plane…no, it’s a bird. But not just any bird—it’s Superbird!

J
OE TO THE RESCUE!

On October 18, 1943, the British 56th Infantry Division was scheduled to attack the German line at Calvi Vecchia, Italy. U.S. air support was called on to help soften the resistance. But it wasn’t needed. The Germans unexpectedly withdrew, and British troops swarmed into the area well ahead of schedule. But when they went to call off the U.S. bombers, they suddenly discovered that their communication systems were out. The bombing raid was imminent—hundreds of lives were at risk. That’s when the British summoned G.I. Joe, their faithful carrier pigeon. With a message attached to his leg, he was released and arrived at the air field 20 miles away just as the planes were about to take off.

It’s estimated the G.I. Joe saved 1,000 lives that day. In 1946 he was awarded the Dickin Medal, Britain’s award for animal gallantry. G.I. Joe retired to the Detroit Zoo until his death in 1961 at the age of 18.

RUPERT TO THE RESCUE!

Lynn Norley had two dogs and a 12-year-old parrot named Rupert. Late one night in February 1998, Norley’s Willistown, Pennsylvania, farmhouse caught fire. The dogs either didn’t know about the fire or didn’t know what to do. But Rupert knew. He screeched loudly until Norley woke up. She managed to get the parrot and the dogs into the second-story bathroom as flames overtook the lower floor. By that time, the smoke had become too much for Rupert and he collapsed in Norley’s arms. Assuming he was dead, she placed the bird’s body in the shower stall before escaping out the window with the dogs.

The next day, Norley somberly picked through the smoldering wreckage in the hopes of finding Rupert, to give him a proper burial. She found him alright—and he was still breathing! Having survived intense heat, smoke, water, and being buried alive, the heroic bird spent the next month in intensive care and, amazingly, recovered. Said a grateful Norley, “I would not be here to tell this story if it wasn’t for Rupert.”

In 1959 former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt made a TV commercial for
Good Luck
margarine.

CHER AMI TO THE RESCUE!

In the trenches during World War I, 194 soldiers of New York’s 77th Infantry Division got separated from the rest of the American forces in Verdun, France. Completely surrounded by enemy troops, the 77th suddenly realized they were being fired at by their own artillery. Their only method of communication with the outside world: three carrier pigeons.

The soldiers attached a message to the leg of the first pigeon: “Our artillery is dropping a barrage on us. For heaven’s sake, stop it!” That bird was hit by shrapnel…and so was the second bird they sent. Only one remained—a Black Check Cock carrier pigeon named Cher Ami (French for “dear friend”).

Like the others, Cher Ami was hit in midair. But even though his leg was mangled, somehow he kept flying. Then he was hit again, this time through his breast. Still he kept flying. Cher Ami arrived safely with the message barely attached to his dangling leg. Because of the pigeon’s perseverance, the 77th was saved. French officials awarded him the Croix de Guerre for his heroic deed.

Sadly, Cher Ami died as a result of his wounds. His body is on display at the War History branch of the Smithsonian.

SONNY TO THE RESCUE!

At his home in Cheddar, England, 58-year-old Richard Stone was peacefully working in his garden when the emergency brake on his van failed, knocking him down and pinning him to the ground. “Help!” he cried, “I’m trapped under my van!” But no one heard him—except Sonny, a parrot living in an adjacent trailer park.

Doing what parrots do, Sonny repeated what he’d heard, squawking, “Help, I’m trapped under my van!” Two people in the trailer park heard the bird, went to investigate, and then faintly heard Stone’s voice. They immediately located the trapped man and freed him.

According to the parrot’s owner, “Sometimes you won’t get a word out of him. It’s just lucky Sonny was in a talkative mood.”

Long weekend: A day on Mercury is twice as long as a year on Mercury.

IF MURPHY WERE A…

BRI member Aaron Allerman sent us these “laws.” For more great axioms, check out Arthur Bloch’s collection in
Murphy’s Law.

…LAWYER

Alley’s Axiom:
Justice always prevails…three times out of seven.

Green’s Rule:
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

First Law of Negotiation:
A negotiation shall be considered successful if all parties walk away feeling screwed.

Power’s Principle:
If the law is on your side, pound on the law. If the facts are on your side, pound on the facts. If neither is on your side, pound on the table.

Potter’s Parking Principle:
The person you beat out of a prime parking spot will be the judge in your first case of the day.

Goulden’s Law of Jury Watching:
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote not guilty, save in those instances when it votes guilty.

Bloom’s Law:
The judge’s jokes are always funny.

Andrew’s Law:
Honesty is almost the best policy.

…DOCTOR

Dolman’s First Law:
The first time you screw up a colonoscopy, your patient will definitely be a lawyer.

First Rule for Interns:
Never say, “I’m new at this,” to a patient.

The HMO Principle:
The necessary procedure will not be allowed.

Edd’s Law of Radiology:
The colder the X-ray table, the more of the body the patient is required to place on it.

The First Rule for Ob/Gyns:
All babies are born between midnight and 5:00 a.m.

Morse’s Law of Online Research:
Any search for medical information will yield at least one porno site.

Law of Laboratory Work:
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

Stettner’s Law for Surgeons:
Never say “oops,” while your patient is conscious.

Breezy’s Translation:
When the doc says, “That’s interesting,” he really means, “Oops.”

Barth’s Distinction: “There are two types of people in the world those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.”

MISSING PARTS

Parts is parts—you can’t let a missing finger, leg, or eye get you down. These folks didn’t.

T
YCO BRAHE
(1546–1601)

Missing Part:
Nose

Known as the father of astronomy, Tyco Brahe compiled the world’s first accurate and complete set of astronomical tables. While a student at the university in Rostock, Germany, he and a fellow student, Manderup Parsbjergh, began quarreling over an obscure mathematical point. The argument went on for weeks, until they decided to settle it with a duel…in the dark…with swords! Result: Parsbjergh sliced off a chunk of Brahe’s nose. Brahe’s vanity wouldn’t let the disfigurement stop him from achieving greatness—in public he wore an artificial nose made of gold and silver.

MORDECAI BROWN
(1876–1948)

Missing Part:
Index finger

As a pitcher for the Chicago Cubs, Brown helped win four championships in the early 1900s. When he was seven his right hand had gotten caught in a corn shredder—his index finger had to be amputated; his thumb and pinkie were permanently impaired. Three weeks later, while chasing a pig, he broke his other two fingers, which never healed properly. With little more than a stub to pitch with, Brown—known as “Three Finger”—learned to throw a sharp curveball and went on to win 239 major-league games. He was elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1949.

HERBERT MARSHALL
(1890–1966)

Missing Part:
Leg

The British actor lost a leg fighting in World War I. But being an amputee didn’t stop him from acting. Marshall spent 50 years as a romantic lead on the stage and on the screen starring opposite such stars as Marlene Dietrich in
Blonde Venus
and Greta Garbo in
The Painted Veil
. Audiences never even knew that he wore an artificial leg—film directors kept his onscreen movements to a minimum to hide it.

JERRY GARCIA
(1942–1995)

Missing Part:
Finger

He was four years old when it happened: Jerry and his older brother, Tiff, were splitting wood and playing “chicken” with the ax. Jerry mistimed removing his finger from the block, and Tiff accidentally chopped Jerry’s finger off. It didn’t hold him back, in 1957, at the age of 15, Jerry discovered the guitar and went on to become guitarist and singer for the Grateful Dead.

SARAH BERNHARDT
(1844–1923)

Missing Part:
Leg

Probably the most famous actress at the turn of the 20th century, Sarah Bernhardt suffered from a festering knee injury and had to have her leg amputated while touring in a production of
Jeanne Dore
in 1915. But this didn’t stop her. Fitted with a wooden leg, “the Divine Sarah” continued to tour in plays, acted in movies, and even performed at the front during World War I.

HAROLD LLOYD
(1893–1971)

Missing Parts:
Thumb and index finger

One of the greatest comedians of the silent movies, Harold Lloyd was posing for a photograph in 1919 when he grabbed a prop—a papier-mâché “bomb”—and lit it with his cigarette. The prop turned out to be a real bomb: it exploded, taking the thumb and index finger from Lloyd’s right hand. But he didn’t let it ruin his career—he just started wearing gloves. And ultimately, Lloyd’s gloves, like his horn-rimmed glasses, became part of his comic persona.

LANA TURNER
(1921–1995)

Missing Parts:
Eyebrows

For her role as an exotic handmaiden in the 1938 film
The Adventures of Marco Polo
, Turner shaved off her natural eyebrows and replaced them with fake straight, black ones. Her real eyebrows never grew back, so from that point on Lana Turner either painted or glued on fake eyebrows in every film she made.

*        *        *

Q:
What was the original name of the Jordanian city Amman?

A:
Philadelphia.

In 1924 a new Ford cost $265.

HOST WITH THE MOST

The Academy Awards is showbiz’s premier event. Almost as important as selecting the nominees is selecting a celebrity host who can make or break the entire evening.