Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (43 page)

The odds of someone winning a lottery twice in four months is about 1 in 17 trillion. But Evelyn Marie Adams won the New Jersey lottery in both 1985 and 1986.

HELPFUL TIPS FOR USING SUPERGLUE

• Make sure the parts being glued don’t move
at all
during the formation of the chains. If so, the chain will break and the glue won’t hold.

• A little dab’ll do ya. Superglue bonds best when it’s used at the rate of one drop per square inch. More than that requires a much longer bonding period, which may result in a weaker bond.

• If you’re gluing two flat surfaces together, rough them up with sandpaper first. That’ll give the glue more surface area to bond to. But make sure you blow off any dusty residue first.

• Glued your fingers together? Use nail polish remover. Don’t have any? Try warm soapy water and a little patience. Your sweat and natural skin oils will soon loosen the bond.

STICKY FACTS

• Superglue is so strong that a single square-inch bond can lift a ton of weight.

• Why doesn’t superglue stick to the bottle? Because it needs moisture to set and there is no moisture in the bottle.

• What’s the difference between superglue and Krazy Glue? Nothing. Krazy Glue is just one of many brands available. It first went on sale in 1973. Some other brands: SuperBonder, Permabond, Pronto, Black Max, Alpha Ace, and (in Mexico) Kola Loka.

• Cyanoacrylate products are a $325 million-a-year industry. Approximately 90% of U.S. homes have at least one tube.

• During the Vietnam War, tubes of superglue were put in U.S. soldiers’ first-aid kits to help seal wounds. Special kinds of superglue are now used in hospitals worldwide, reducing the need for sutures, stitches, and staples. (It doesn’t work on deep wounds or on wounds where the skin does a lot of stretching, such as over joints.)

• Superglue is now used in forensic detection. When investigators open a foil packet of ethyl-gel cyanoacrylate, the fumes settle on skin oils left behind in human fingerprints, turning the invisible smears into visible marks.

STICKY SITUATIONS

•
Lovers use it.
An ex-con who violated his parole glued himself to his girlfriend so the police couldn’t arrest him. An Algerian woman tried the same trick with her husband to keep him from being deported. Neither attempt was successful.

•
Pranksters use it.
An Atlantic City man sued a casino after he got stuck to a glue-smeared toilet seat and had to waddle through the casino for help.

•
Veterinarians use it.
A tortoise that cracked its shell falling from a second-floor window was successfully glued back together. Other superglued animals: racing pigeons have had their feathers glued together for better aerodynamics, fish have had their fins reattached, and horses have had their split hooves mended.

•
Protestors use it.
A man protesting tax laws that left people penniless in Bristol, England, took matters into his own hands. After more than 200 attempts to contact the Inland Revenue helpline, he went down to the local tax office armed with a tube of superglue. When they wouldn’t help him, he glued his hand to a desk, vowing to stay attached until he got some answers. After finally getting unstuck, he was allowed to voice his views on a local radio station.

•
Fishers use it.
The winner of the “How Krazy Glue Saved the Day Contest” was a woman who fell asleep while fishing in a small rowboat on a Minnesota lake. More than a mile from shore, she was awakened when her feet started getting wet. Frantically, she mopped up the water with an old shirt, but it was still coming in through a small leak in the bottom of the boat. So she took a tube of Krazy Glue out of her tackle box (she used it to make fishing lures), cut a thick piece of leather from her boot, and glued the leather over the leak. “The leak stopped and I kept on fishing,” she said. “By the way,” she added, “I can’t swim—Krazy Glue saved my life!”

Alaska has a sand desert with dunes more than 100 feet high.

FORE!

Next time you’re playing golf, watching a match, or even driving past a course, be forewarned! Golf balls go where they’re hit, not always where the player wants them to go. For example, a ball could hit…

A
MOVING VEHICLE

Sean Hutchins regularly drives past San Geronimo Golf Club in California. His advice to other drivers: Beware—“The number of golf balls hitting vehicles seems to be on the rise.” His current tally: two have hit his truck; one ball hit his friend’s Chevelle; another hit that same friend’s mother’s pickup; a fifth hit the friend’s girlfriend’s car; and a sixth smacked a California Highway Patrol car.

A BIRD

Benin, a small nation in Africa, doesn’t have a golf course, but that didn’t deter Mathieu Boya. He would routinely practice driving balls in a field adjacent to the Benin Air Base—until one day in 1987 when his ball struck a gull, which then fell into the open cockpit of a jet taxiing the runway, which caused the pilot to lose control, which caused the plane to barrel through the other four Mirage fighter jets sitting on the tarmac…which wiped out the entire Benin Air Force.

A FAN’S FOREHEAD

John Yates, 52, realized a dream-come-true when he got to watch the world’s most famous golfer, Tiger Woods, in person at the 2003 Buick Open in Grand Blanc, Michigan. But Yates got more than he bargained for. Woods’s approach shot on the seventh hole went wild and struck Yates smack-dab on the forehead. After a few dazed minutes on his back, Yates looked up to see Woods leaning over him, apologizing profusely. For his trouble, the fan got three stitches, the errant ball, and an autographed golf glove. Woods got something out of the deal, too. As Yates recalled: “I helped him out because my head knocked the ball back toward the hole. He birdied the hole, I guess. I didn’t see it. But it’s my most memorable moment in golf.”

A popcorn kernel must contain at least 13.5% water to pop.

THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP

As the sun was setting on the seventh hole of the Roehampton Golf Club course in England in 1964, Bill Carey hit a tee shot that landed near the pin, but because it was getting dark, he couldn’t see exactly where it rolled to. So Carey and his opponent, Edgar Winter, went to look for it. After an unsuccessful search of the green and the hill below, Carey finally conceded defeat as darkness settled in. But a few minutes later he found the ball in the one place he never thought to look: at the bottom of the cup. Even though Carey had hit a hole-in-one, he never got credit for it…and lost.

QUICKSAND

Bayly MacArthur, playing in a 1931 tournament in Australia, hit a ball into what he thought was a sand trap. It wasn’t—it was quicksand. And unfortunately, MacArthur found out the hard way when he stepped into the quicksand to play the ball. It took four other golfers to pull him out.

A SPECTATOR’S BRA

At the 1973 Sea Pines Heritage Classic in South Carolina, Hale Irwin’s worst shot of the match (and perhaps his career) hit a woman’s chest and lodged in her bra. She was relieved when Irwin decided to forgo the shot, taking a two-stroke penalty instead.

THREE SPECTATORS

In 1971 Vice President Spiro Agnew played in the Pro-Am portion of the Bob Hope Desert Classic. After his first two shots injured
three
members of the crowd, Agnew made the wise choice and became a spectator himself.

AN OPPONENT’S ARM

Why hit someone with a golf ball when you’ve got a golf
club
? In 1980 at the final round of the Boone Golf Club Championship in North Carolina, Margaret McNeil and Earlena Adams were tied for the lead after 18 holes. They had to play one sudden-death hole to decide the match. At the tee, McNeil was practicing her stroke when she accidentally smacked Adams on the arm with her backswing. Result for Adams: Her arm was broken; she couldn’t play the hole. Result for McNeil: She was awarded first place.

A regulation hole in golf is 4.25 inches in diameter, and “no less than 4 inches deep.”

REVENGE!

We all have fantasies of getting even with people who annoy us…but we seldom actually go through with them. Here are some examples of what could happen if we did.

R
EVENGE OF THE PHONE CLERK

Background:
In early 2002, New Zealander James Storrie called New Zealand Telecom Corporation to complain that his cell phone had been disconnected. When the representative informed him that the phone had been reported stolen, Storrie insisted that he still had the phone and that he had not reported its theft. The mistake was cleared up, but the representative (identity unknown) was apparently offended by Storrie’s attitude.

Revenge Gone Wild!
When Storrie received his next phone bill, he found that he’d been charged an extra $140. What for? The explanation was printed right on the bill: “penalty for being an arrogant bastard.” N.Z. Telecom apologized profusely, offered Storrie some undisclosed financial compensation, and promised to investigate the vengeful billing.

REVENGE OF THE BAD WAITER

Background:
One evening in June 2003, Wayne and Darlene Keller of Corona, California, took their two children to a Sizzler’s restaurant. Mrs. Keller requested vegetables with her dinner, instead of potatoes. According to the family, the waiter, Jonathan Voletner, rudely told her that she had to choose between French fries or a baked potato. “When I told him my wife can’t eat potatoes,” said Mr. Keller, “he brought back a really small salad, practically threw it at her, and told her to go get the dressing herself.” After the meal, the Kellers left—and they didn’t leave a tip.

Revenge Gone Wild!
Voletner had his girlfriend follow the Kellers home to get their address. When he got off work, he, his girlfriend, and his brother went to the Keller home, waited until 1 a.m., and then doused their house, yard, and mailbox with a gallon of maple syrup, smashed eggs, toilet paper, duct tape, and plastic wrap. They might have gotten away with it, but in a state of heightened stupidity, Voletner rang the doorbell. Then he hid in the bushes and waited to see their reaction. Their reaction: They called the police.

What’s your sign? Mickey Mouse is a Scorpio (born November 18, 1928).

Officers found Voletner in the bushes and his co-conspirators in a nearby car. When they presented the suspects to the Kellers, Mrs. Keller said, “Oh my God! It’s the waiter from the restaurant!” They were all charged with vandalism, with Voletner receiving an extra charge of child endangerment because his girlfriend was a minor. He was also fired by Sizzler’s. “The company doesn’t allow this sort of thing,” the manager said.

REVENGE OF THE POSTMASTER

Background:
On October 17, 2001, 62-year-old James Beal was fired from his job as relief postmaster in Empire, Michigan.

Revenge Gone Wild!
The next day, Beal showed up at the post office carrying two five-gallon buckets full of worms, grubs, and porcupine poop. He proceeded to splatter several of his former coworkers with the putrid concoction, completely saturating two of them. He was on his way to his car for another bucket when police arrived. For his bizarre act of revenge, he was charged with four counts of assaulting a federal worker. “I let my anger sort of overrule my judgments,” Beal told the court. He was sentenced to 18 months in federal prison.

REVENGE OF THE NON-WITNESS

Background:
Jane White was upset that Jehovah’s Witnesses had come to her house once a month, every month, for 12 years. At first, she politely told them that she wasn’t interested. Finally, after a visit on a Saturday in January 2002, she had had enough.

Revenge Gone Wild!
White went to the group’s local Kingdom Hall in Peacehaven, England, the following morning, carefully timing her visit for the middle of the Sunday service. She banged on the door loudly, again and again, until someone answered, and then proceeded to offer members of the congregation religious literature that she had brought along. “I tried to hand out free magazines just like the Jehovah’s Witnesses hand out,” she said. “Nobody seemed to want them, though.” She continued her “mission” for 30 minutes until the police showed up and asked her to leave.

REVENGE OF THE SPAM HATERS

Background:
In November 2002,
Detroit Free Press
columnist Mike Wendland wrote a story about a man named Alan Ralsky. Ralsky had become a multimillionaire through marketing spam on the Internet. How much spam? His company sent up to 250 million e-mails a day. The story told readers about Ralsky’s new 8,000-square-foot, $740,000 home. The spammer bragged that one entire wing of the house was paid for by a single weight-loss e-mail.

Revenge Gone Wild!
A group of spam haters decided to give Ralsky a dose of his own medicine. They posted his home address on hundreds of websites, and Ralsky started getting tons—literally—of junk mail. Then they posted his e-mail address and his phone number, and the mega-junkmailer got inundated with the very thing he had made his millions from—spam. And, no surprise:
He was annoyed!
Ralsky later complained, “They’ve signed me up for every advertising campaign and mailing list there is. These people are out of their minds! They’re harassing me!”

The
Mayflower
was dismantled by the Pilgrims and turned into a barn.

*        *        *

THE WORLD’S LARGEST…

• Roanoke, Virginia, has the “World’s Largest Man-Made Illuminated Star,” an 88-foot electric wonder set atop a mountain.