Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (37 page)

NIKOLA TESLA

From Riches…
In his heyday in the 1890s, Tesla was a rich and famous inventor and held more than 700 patents. He is best-known for developing alternating current (AC) electricity.

…to Rags:
He was also naive. Thomas Edison, who saw Tesla as competition, did all he could to undermine Tesla’s work. It worked. A series of patent lawsuits left Tesla with no money or credit, despite his many inventions. He died broke in 1943.

MIKE TYSON

From Riches…
The youngest heavyweight champion in boxing history had earned $300 million.

…to Rags:
By 2003 it was all gone. Tyson blames his former promoter, Don King, for mismanaging his earnings. King claims that Tyson blew the money himself. The two will duke it out in court.

Willie Nelson’s first gig: playing guitar in a polka band.

GROANERS

A good pun is its own reword.

Dijon vu—the same mustard as before.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

When two egoists meet, it’s an I for an I.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

The reading of a will is a dead giveaway.

It was an emotional wedding.

Even the cake was in tiers.

When chemists die, we barium.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own? Because it was two-tired.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg…until she broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Energizer Bunny arrested—charged with battery.

When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist’s blood type: always B-negative.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A flat minor.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

What you seize is what you get.

*        *        *

A man walks into a bar with a salamander in his hand. The bartender asks the man what he calls it. “Tiny” replies the man. “Why’s that?” asks the barkeep. “Because he’s my newt!”

World’s muddiest river: Yellow River, in China.

LACROSSE

What’s the national sport of Canada? If you said “hockey” you’re half right. Hockey is Canada’s national
winter
sport, but Canada’s national
summer
sport is lacrosse. (It’s also the oldest known sport in North America.
)

B
AGGATTAWAY

In 1636 French Jesuit missionary Jean de Brebeuf watched Huron Indians of southeastern Canada play an unusual game called
baggattaway,
meaning “little brother of war.” He wrote in his journal that the players used curved sticks with net pouches on the end to hurl a small ball. The stick reminded him of the cross carried by French bishops, called the crosier, or
la crosse
. That’s the first documented mention—and the origin of the modern name—of one of the fastest-growing sports in the world today, lacrosse. Its roots go back at least to the 1400s and possibly much earlier. Today, organized lacrosse is played in more than 20 countries on five continents, with teams in such diverse places as Japan, Germany, Argentina, South Korea, and the Czech Republic.

And, it’s still an important game to Native Canadians.

THE BIG LEAGUES

At the time Europeans discovered it, baggattaway was already a very popular sport in North America. Different versions with different names were being played by tribes throughout southeastern Canada, around the Great Lakes, and all the way into the southeastern United States. The rules and equipment varied from region to region, but in general the game was as follows:

Players used a wooden stick about three to four feet long with a big curve on one end, kind of like a shepherd’s staff. A mesh pouch made of strips of boiled bark was attached to the curve and tied back down the handle of the stick. The stick could be used to pick up, carry, bat, throw, or catch a small ball, which was made of wood, baked clay, or deerskin stuffed with hair. (They could also use the stick to whack their opponents.)

Players would move down the field, then organize strategies, sometimes using all-out attacks, trying to put the ball through a goal. Goal markers could be a pole or two poles, or rocks or trees at either end of the playing field. As for the playing field: there were no sidelines, and the goals could be hundreds of yards—or several miles—apart. The games could last as long as three days, and, in probably the most stunning aspect of the early game, the teams could number from 5 to
1,000
players on each side.

First sport on film: boxing (Thomas Edison filmed it in 1894).

SPORTS MEDICINE

Baggattaway wasn’t just a game to native North Americans, it was an important part of spiritual life as well. Tribal mythology says that the sport was a gift given to them by the Creator. Its purpose was healing, and it was (and still is) known as a “medicine game,” because it promoted good health, mental toughness, and community teamwork. It was traditionally played by men, but entire villages would take part in the contests, which were often prepared for with elaborate rituals led by spiritual leaders.

Often it was a war ritual, and the games were prepared for by chanting, dreaming, and dancing—the same way a tribe prepared for battle. The Cherokee in the southeast even named the game accordingly: “Little Brother of War.” Its grueling nature and violent style of play—which often resulted in serious injuries—was seen as perfect training for warriors. French fur trader Nicholas Peffot wrote in the late 1600s, “legs and arms are sometimes broken, and it has happened that a player has been killed.”

Sometimes it even substituted for battle, with tribes settling disputes with a game—although that strategy didn’t always work. One account says that a game was played in 1790 between the Choctaws and the Creeks to settle a territorial dispute. When the Creeks were declared the winners, the unhappy Choctaw players attacked them, and they ended up in a full-scale war.

ALL LACROSSE THE WORLD

But it wasn’t until 200 years after Father de Brebeuf first noted the game that Europeans became active players. In 1834 the Canadian Caughnawaga tribe played a demonstration game for European settlers in Montreal, and lacrosse started its worldwide spread. After it was reported in the newspapers, interest grew among non-natives, and leagues started to form. Then it got its biggest boost: in 1856 Dr. George Beers, a dentist from Montreal, founded the Montreal Lacrosse Club. He wrote down the rules, setting field size, team size, etc., campaigned tirelessly, and set lacrosse on the path to becoming the highly organized and successful sport it is today. Beers is still called the “Father of Lacrosse.” It became so popular that by 1859, an act of Canadian Parliament named lacrosse Canada’s national sport.

Wild turkeys can run 30 mph and fly at speeds up to 55 mph.

In 1867 white Canadian and native teams did an exhibition tour throughout Great Britain. People loved it, and leagues started to spring up around the British Isles. The Caughnawaga even played for a special audience: Queen Victoria. She gave the game her blessing, and by the end of the century it had spread to Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa. It had also spread to the United States, becoming part of high school and university programs in the Northeast, with the first intercollegiate tournament held at the Westchester Polo Grounds in New York in 1881. In 1904 and 1908, lacrosse was played in the Olympic Games in St. Louis and London.

LACROSSE FACTS

• The official name for the lacrosse stick: the crosse. In men’s lacrosse, it’s still legal to whack your opponent with it.

• In the 1960s, Czech Boy Scout groups saw pictures of Native Americans playing lacrosse in
National Geographic
magazine. They made their own sticks, wrote their own rules, and began playing “Czech-lacrosse.” It was actually closer to baggattaway than today’s official lacrosse game.

• NFL Hall of Fame running back (and movie star) Jim Brown is considered by many the best football player to ever play the game. Many say the same thing about his lacrosse play: he was an All-American at Syracuse University in the 1950s and is a member of the Lacrosse Hall of Fame.

• In 1763 the Chippewa and Sauk tribes played a game outside Fort Michilimackinac, a British stronghold in Michigan. When the ball was “accidentally” kicked over the fort walls, the players all rushed after it and, as planned, attacked the soldiers inside. When it was over, 20 British soldiers had been killed, 15 taken prisoner, and the fort belonged to the Indians.

• The Iroquois Nationals, a multi-tribe team from the New York–Ontario area, is the only team from an indigenous nation participating in international sports competition.

Say it three times fast:
Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung
is German for “speed limit.”

CONSPIRACY THEORY

Conspiracy Theory
is one of Uncle John’s favorite movies. Why? Because the main character, Jerry (Mel Gibson), weaves some theories that are even loonier than what Uncle John comes up with. Here are some samples from the film.

N
OBEL PRIZE CONSPIRACY:
“All the fathers of Nobel prize winners were rounded up by United National Military and actually forced at gunpoint to give semen samples in little plastic jars which are now stored below Rockefeller Center underneath the ice skating rink. You don’t want to be there for the thaw.”

$100 BILL CONSPIRACY:
“Hey, is that one of those new hundreds? Get rid of it as soon as you can, lady. Hold it up to the light—see the metal strip in it? That’s a tracking device.”

MIDDLE NAME CONSPIRACY:
“Serial killers only have two names. Ever notice that? But lone assassins always have three. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman…”

Alice:
“John Hinckley. He shot Reagan. He only has two names.”

Jerry:
“Yeah, but Reagan didn’t die. If Reagan had died, I’m pretty sure we would know what Hinckley’s middle name was.”

VIETNAM CONSPIRACY:
“The whole Vietnam war was fought on a bet between Howard Hughes and Aristotle Onassis.”

GRATEFUL DEAD CONSPIRACY:
“You know why the Grateful Dead are always on tour? They’re all British intelligence agents. They’re all spies. Jerry Garcia himself has a double-O rating, just like James Bond.”

Alice:
“Jerry Garcia is dead.”

Jerry:
“That’s what they want you to think.”

CONSPIRACY CONSPIRACY:

Alice:
“Can you prove any of this?”

Jerry:
“No, absolutely not. A good conspiracy is an unprovable one.”

Technically speaking, the liver is a gland, not an organ.

THE ADVENTURES OF EGGPLANT

On
page 329
we told you about the first reality TV show. On
page 77
we told you about Japanese game shows. Mix them together with the plot of the movie
The Truman Show,
and you’ve got this unbelievable true story.

M
ADE IN JAPAN

In January 1998, a struggling 23-year-old standup comedian known only by his stage name Nasubi (Eggplant) heard about an audition for a mysterious “show business–related job” and decided to try out for it.

The audition was the strangest one he’d ever been to. The producers of a popular Japanese TV show called
Susunu! Denpa Sho-Nen
(
Don’t Go for It, Electric Boy!
) were looking for someone who was willing to be locked away in a one-bedroom apartment for however long it took to win one million yen (then the equivalent of about $10,000) worth of prizes in magazine contests.

Cameras would be set up in the apartment, and if the contestant was able to win the prizes, the footage would be edited into a segment called “Sweepstakes Boy.” The contestant would be invited on the show to tell his story and, with any luck, the national TV exposure would give a boost to his career. That was it—that was the reward (along with the magazine prizes).

SUCH A DEAL

As if that wasn’t a weak enough offer, there was a catch—the contestant would have to live off the prizes he won. The apartment would be completely empty, and the contestant wouldn’t be allowed to bring anything with him—no clothes, no food, nothing. If he wanted to eat, he had to win food. If he wanted to wear clothes, he had to win those, too. Nasubi passed the audition and agreed to take the job.

On day one of the contest, the producers blindfolded him and took him to a tiny one-bedroom apartment in an undisclosed location somewhere in Tokyo. The apartment was furnished with a magazine rack and thousands of neatly stacked postcards (for entering the contests), as well as a table, a cushion to sit on, a telephone, notepads, and some pens. Other than that, it was completely empty.

Castor oil is used as a lubricant in jet planes.

Nasubi stripped naked and handed his clothes and other personal effects to the producers. He stepped into the apartment, the door was locked behind him, and his strange adventure began.