Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (58 page)

Butcher:
“Pleased to meat you.”

Vacuum cleaners:
“Business sucks.”

Added together, the world’s unused frequent flyer miles equal 42,500 round trips to the sun.

THE DOO-DOO MAN

In our opinion, the ability to take a negative experience and turn it into something positive is a real gift. But what inspired this man could appeal only to bathroom readers
.

T
RAIL HAZARD

In 1985 Dr. A. Bern Hoff stepped in something unpleasant while hiking in Norway’s Jotunheim Mountains. The unpleasant “something” had been deposited right in the middle of the hiking trail and, judging from appearances, only minutes before. Maybe it was his keen eyesight, maybe it was his degree in parasitic pathology, but somehow Dr. Hoff knew right away what he’d stepped in: “people droppings,” as he delicately puts it.

It wasn’t the first time Hoff had trod on people droppings, either: an avid hiker, he’d had similar experiences atop Africa’s Mount Kilimanjaro, Hawaii’s Haleakala Crater, and the Grand Canyon in Arizona. He stepped into people’s “business” so often that it seemed like every hiking trip was turning into a business trip. As a former official with the Centers for Disease Control, he understood that the problem wasn’t just disgusting, it was a serious health hazard. Hoff decided it was time for action.

“I got tired of seeing and smelling this stuff on the trail,” he says. “Nobody wanted to deal with it, so I said, ‘Hey, I’ll do it.’ This has got to stop.” He formed H.A.D.D.—Hikers Against Doo-Doo.

THE NUMBER TWO PROBLEM

Hoff had stumbled—literally—onto a problem that started growing rapidly in the 1980s and continues today: Record numbers of people are hiking and camping out in the wild. And since most first-timers have never been taught how to properly “do their business” in the backcountry, in many popular outdoor destinations around the country, the results are plain to see, smell…and step in.

To counter this disturbing trend, H.A.D.D. offers a number of different “business plans.” It teaches new campers tried-and-true waste-disposal techniques, and serves as an international clearing-house for new waste-disposal ideas.

Nothing to sneeze at: The common flu kills 20,000 people a year.

THE CAN

H.A.D.D. has also designed a cheap, sturdy portable privy called “The Can” that can be made from two ordinary 55-gallon drums. At last count, H.A.D.D. members have set up more than 280 Cans in wilderness areas around the world. The organization hopes to one day mount an expedition to bring The Can to the top of Mount Aconcagua, long known as Argentina’s “tallest and most defiled peak,” and is raising funds to improve the facilities on Russia’s Mount Elbrus, which
Outside
magazine dubbed “the world’s nastiest outhouse.”

When Hoff founded H.A.D.D. in 1990, it consisted of only himself and his soiled hiking boots. Today the organization boasts more than 10,000 members, with chapters all over the world. “We’re tongue-in-cheek, of course, but we are serious about trying to clean up the environment,” Hoff says.

BUSINESS SCHOOL

Some tips on how to mind your own business in the wild:

• Pack out what you pack in. Bring several square pieces of paper, a paper bag full of kitty litter, and several zipper-type plastic bags or bags with twist-ties. Do your business onto the paper, then put the paper and your business into one of the plastic bags. Pour in some kitty litter, and seal the bag tightly. Dispose of it properly when you get back to civilization.

• If you do have to bury your business, be sure to do it: 1) at least 200 feet away from the nearest water source, trail, or campsite; 2) in organic soil, not sandy soil; and 3) in a “cat hole” dug at least six inches across and six inches deep. (
Hint:
Bring a small shovel.)

• Don’t bury your business under a rock: business needs heat and moisture to decompose properly, and the rock will inhibit both.

• Don’t bury it in the snow, either: snow melts…but your business doesn’t. When spring comes it will reappear.

• Use toilet paper sparingly if at all; if you do use it,
don’t
burn it and
don’t
bury it with your business. Keep it in a plastic bag and dispose of it properly at the end of your trip.

• Pee at least 200 feet from the nearest water source, and
don’t
pee on green plants—otherwise, when your pee dries, animals will be attracted to the salt.

Q: How many bedrooms are there on the board game Clue? A: None.

ACCORDING TO THE LATEST RESEARCH…

It seems as though every day there’s a report on some scientific study with dramatic new information on what we should eat…or how we should act…or who we really are under all the BS. Some are pretty interesting. Did you know, for example, that science says…

N
IGHT LIGHTS CAUSE CANCER

Researcher:
Dr. Richard Stevens
Subjects:
Residents of Beaver Dam, Wisconsin

What He Learned:
In 2002, citing several studies of women’s cancer rates, Dr. Stevens reported to the World Conference on Breast Cancer in Victoria, British Columbia, that artificial night lighting increases the risk of breast cancer. Extended hours of light, he said—night lights, street lights, and even car headlights—rob a person of valuable hours of darkness and disrupt the body’s natural clock. That causes the body to make less melatonin, a hormone produced almost exclusively at night. Melatonin limits the body’s estrogen levels, and high levels of the female hormone estrogen are known to increase the risk of getting the disease. He recommended red bulbs in night lights—they’re less disruptive to sleep patterns.

THE VATICAN EMITS HAZARDOUS RAYS

Researcher:
Paola Michelozzi of the Rome health department

Subjects:
People who live near Vatican City

What She Learned:
EMFs (electromagnetic field emissions) are produced by electric current. In power lines and large communication antennas, those emissions can be very high—and, some say, dangerous. The Vatican has a huge radio and communications station on the outskirts of Rome, and because the Vatican is an independent country, it’s not regulated by Italian law. Dr. Michelozzi’s team decided to study the area around the station and the effects of the EMFs. Their finding: The rate of deaths for men due to leukemia was three times higher than the expected rate within a 1.2-mile radius. For children it was double. The Vatican refuses to release any information about their transmissions.

What happens when it eats chocolate? If a cow eats onions, its milk will taste like onions.

BEER STINKS

Researchers:
Chemist Malcolm Forbes, University of North Carolina

Subject:
Beer

What He Learned:
Have you ever opened a bottle beer and noticed that it smells “skunky?” Dr. Forbes studied hops, the ingredient that gives beer much of its taste, and found that after exposure to light, a chemical reaction in the hops molecules results in the production of a compound called a
thiol
. Another place thiols can be found: in a skunk’s spray gland. “Of course,” says Forbes, a beer connoisseur who was happy to do the study, “the best solution we offer is to drink your beer as fast as possible.”

REDHEADED WOMEN ARE MORE SENSITIVE

Researcher:
Dr. Edwin Liem, University of Louisville

Subjects:
Redheads and brunettes

What He Learned:
Anesthesiologists have said it for decades: they have to use more anesthetic to put a redhead “under.” Now they have proof. Dr. Liem gave a group of women common anesthetic drugs and monitored their reflex movements in response to being pricked with needles. He found that red-haired women needed 20% more of the drug to numb their pain reflexes completely. Doctors think it may be caused by a genetic glitch in redheads related to melanin, a pigment that affects skin and hair color.

LONDON CABBIES HAVE BIGGER BRAINS

Researchers:
Scientists at University College London

Subjects:
Taxi drivers

What They Learned:
To get a license to drive the traditional black cab in London, drivers have to pass a very rigorous test called “The Knowledge.” Those that do are known to be excellent navigators. This study showed something else: after giving 49 drivers MRI brain scans, researchers noticed that the drivers had an enlarged hippocampus—the part of the brain associated with navigation in birds and other animals. And even more amazingly, like a muscle, the more it’s used, the larger it grows. Longtime cabbie David Cohen was surprised by the results: “I never noticed part of my brain growing. It makes you wonder what happened to the rest of it.”

The beer-drinkingest state: Nevada, at 35 gallons per capita. Least beer-imbibing state: Utah, right next door, at 13 gallons per person each year.

STRANGE LAWSUITS

Here are more real-life examples of unusual legal battles
.

T
HE PLAINTIFF:
Paula Blum, 54-year-old mother

THE DEFENDANT:
Ephraim Blum, her son

THE LAWSUIT:
After years of trying (and failing) to get alimony payments from her ex-husband, Blum switched tactics—she sued her son. Not for alimony, though: Blum used the Family Law Reform Act, which states that upon reaching adulthood, a child has an obligation to give his parents financial assistance.

THE VERDICT:
Incredibly, the court found in her favor, ordering Ephraim to pay his mother $270 a month for life.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Gerald Mayo

THE DEFENDANT:
Satan and His Staff

THE LAWSUIT:
Alleging that Satan had deliberately made his life miserable, placed obstacles in his path, and plotted his doom, Mayo sued the Prince of Darkness in federal court. On what charges? Civil rights violations. Mayo claimed that Satan had “deprived him of his constitutional rights.”

THE VERDICT:
Case dismissed. The judge expressed doubt over whether the defendant was actually a resident of the judicial district and noted that Mayo hadn’t included instructions on how to serve Satan with the necessary papers.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Ralph Forbes, of Russellville, Arkansas

THE DEFENDANTS:
The National Department of Education, the Russellville School District, the High Priests of Secular Humanism, the Communist Party of the USA, the Church of Satan, the Anti-Christ, and Satan, God of This World System

THE LAWSUIT:
In 1986, outraged that schools around Little Rock were sponsoring Halloween celebrations, Forbes—a local pastor and candidate for U.S. senator—decided to sue on behalf of Jesus Christ and children everywhere. Calling Halloween activities “rites of Satan,” he was determined to stop them.

The Devil’s advocate, attorney John Wesley Hall, Jr., argued that the suit should be dismissed because Forbes had failed to prove that Satan owned property or wrote contracts in Arkansas.

THE VERDICT:
Case dismissed.

THE PLAINTIFF:
An anonymous 19-year-old man

THE DEFENDANT:
The New York City Transit Authority

THE LAWSUIT:
The man tried to commit suicide by jumping off a subway platform into the path of an oncoming train. He lost one arm, a leg, and part of his other arm—but not his life. Frustrated with the futile attempt, the man filed suit against the Transit Authority. His claim: “The motorman was negligent in not stopping the train quickly enough.”

THE VERDICT:
Settled out of court for $650,000. While they were negotiating the settlement, the man tried suicide again, using the same method as before—and once again was unsuccessful. (No word on whether he filed a second lawsuit.)

THE PLAINTIFF:
“Josef M.”, a 62-year-old German man

THE DEFENDANT:
Josef M.’s butcher

THE LAWSUIT:
Josef M. sued his butcher for $790…for selling him a loaded bratwurst. He claimed the sausage exploded as he bit into it, and hot fat squirted into his mouth, burning it and the inside of his throat. His major complaint: “I couldn’t kiss for four weeks,” he said.

THE VERDICT:
The court rejected the claim as frivolous.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Robert Paul Rice, an inmate

THE DEFENDANT:
Utah State Prison

THE LAWSUIT:
Rice sued the prison for violating his religious freedom, claiming that he listed “the Vampire Order” as his religion and should have his religious needs provided for. According to the suit, prison officials failed to provide a “vampire diet” (only grains and vegetables—no meat) or a “vampress” with whom he could partake in “the vampiric sacrament.” Lawyers for the prison argued that it provides five diets to choose from and “vampire” isn’t one of them. And a “vampress?” Sorry, prisons in Utah do not allow conjugal visits.

THE VERDICT:
Rice lost. The court ruled that the case “raised questions that are so insubstantial as not to merit consideration.”

Foggiest place on the U.S. West Coast: Cape Disappointment, WA (107 days per year).

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

Like anyone with an e-mail address, the BRI gets a lot of unsolicited mail that seems unbelievable. We looked into claims made by some of them, and here’s what we found
.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL:

To: Everyone