Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (59 page)

From:
[email protected]

Subject: The potential killers among us

This is a genuine test used by a famous psychologist to test whether you have the mind of a killer: While at the funeral of her mother, a girl met a guy and instantly fell in love with him. A few days later, the girl killed her own sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Answer: She hoped he would show up at the next funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

ORIGIN:
This e-mail began circulating in May 2002.

THE TRUTH:
It’s fake. Even psychologists can’t predict whether a person is a psychopath. So how could this one-question quiz?

YOU’VE GOT MAIL:

To: Concerned parents

From:
[email protected]

Subject: BAN BREAST-FEEDING NOW

Over 200,000 Americans have signed a petition urging Congress to declare breast-feeding unlawful. This primitive ritual violates babies’ civil rights and fosters an incestuous relationship between mother and child. Breast-feeding teaches children illicit sex, resulting in an addiction to promiscuity. The Republican Convention must ban it now. Republicans: Choose a candidate who supports our cause!

Tess Hennessy, Founder-Director

Citizens Against Breast-Feeding

ORIGIN:
This e-mail first appeared in the weeks leading up to the Republican National Convention in August 2000.

The Thousand Islands of New York and Ontario actually number about 1,500.

THE TRUTH:
It’s fake. The e-mail included a phone number that turned out to be the number of Spencer Publications, the publisher of several books on hoaxes…just like this one.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL:

To: Beer lovers everywhere

From:
[email protected]

Subject: Free beer for the New Year

We at Miller Brewing would like to make a special New Year’s offer to our valued customers: If this e-mail makes it to 2,000,000 people by 12:00 P.M. on New Year’s Eve of 1999, we will send each e-mailer a coupon for one free six-pack of any Miller beverage.

Enjoy, and Cheers,

Gary D. Anderson, Chief Marketing Director

Miller Brewing Company, Inc.

ORIGIN:
It first appeared just before New Year’s Eve 1999.

THE TRUTH:
It was a fake, and a pretty obvious one at that—how could Miller ever “card” all 2,000,000 e-mailers to make sure they were old enough to drink their free beer? “
We
are the victims of this online prank,” says a company spokesperson.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL:

To: CD owners everywhere

From:
[email protected]

Subject: CD price-fixing settlement—Register now!

Compact disc distributors and retailers settled a lawsuit filed by 41 states, and have agreed to pay out $44 million in refunds to customers who purchased any CDs between 1995 and 2000. If you bought a CD or cassette during this time, all you have to do to claim your share is go to the CD settlement website and register online.

ORIGIN:
This e-mail began circulating in September 2002.

THE TRUTH:
It’s actually
true—
there really was a lawsuit and a $44 million cash settlement. The bad news: The deadline to register was March 5, 2003, so if you didn’t sign up, you missed the boat. What’d you miss? Only about $12.60, so don’t feel too bad.

Average age of a new grandparent in the U.S.: 47.

DUMB JOCKS?

More verbally challenged sports stars
.

“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

—Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver,
on his coach, John Jenkins

“Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.”

—Charles Shackleford, NCSU basketball player

“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse’. I’m not a recluse.”

—Boxer Mike Tyson,
on writer Wallace Matthews

“In terms of European athletes she is currently second. A Cuban leads the rankings.”

—Paul Dickenson, BBC commentator

“We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. I just can’t figure out where else to play.”

—Pat Williams, Orlando Magic GM,
on his team’s poor record

“It’s almost like we have ESPN.”

—Magic Johnson,
on how well he and James Worthy play together

“Me and George and Billy are two of a kind.”

—N.Y. Yankee Mickey Rivers,
on his relationship with George Steinbrenner and Billy Martin

“I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big-name pitcher. He said, ‘Dave Wehrmeister’s got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you?’”

—Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner

“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.”

—Bill Peterson, football coach

“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

—George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back

“Raise the urinals.”

—Darrel Chaney, Atlanta shortstop,
on how management could keep the Braves on their toes

In an average day, Canada imports 822 hockey sticks from Russia.

OOPS!

More blunders and screwups to make you feel all smug and superior
.

H
APPY MEAL

Washington, D.C., June 2002—“Benjamin Crevier recently got a personal invitation from U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney to a $2,500-a-plate dinner with President George W. Bush. Ben, who is five years old, wrote back to decline, saying he had only $11.97 in his piggy bank.”

—The North County
(Maryland)
Times

HOMEWRECKERS

“A wrecking crew that was supposed to demolish an abandoned house accidentally plowed a bulldozer into the headquarters of a group that had tried for months to preserve it. The Dade Heritage Trust had failed to save the 102-year-old home of pioneer doctor James M. Jackson, located next door to the trust’s headquarters. But the bulldozer operator made a wrong turn, taking out a porch column, a window and roof tiles of the trust’s headquarters. ‘What can I say?’ said Jesus Ramos, bulldozer operator and owner of Shark Wrecking. ‘It was an accident.’”

—Associated Press

NOT
THAT
KIND OF GRASS

“In December 2002, Chicago police got an anonymous tip that a major consignment of illegal drugs was being moved in a truck. When officers stopped the vehicle, they found two small plastic bags with crushed green plants thought to be marijuana. Lab tests found no drugs were present. The ‘marijuana’ turned out to be hay from a church Nativity scene.”

—The National Post
, Canada

ARMED AND DANGEROUS

“A suspect picked the wrong vehicle to carjack in Hollywood Sunday. Los Angeles police say the suspect took one car, then pulled into a gas station, ditched the vehicle and tried to take a minivan. Big mistake. The minivan was full of judo wrestlers from Florida International University, who were in town to teach a self-defense class. The wrestlers punched the man in the face and hit him from behind, then held him until police arrived. The suspect was jailed on felony charges.”

—
Los Angeles Times

Experts say the average person spends 30 years mad at a family member.

OFF WITH THEIR HEAD

“Officials at England’s York Dungeon Museum of Horrors are looking for the visitor who purchased an authentic human skull in the museum’s gift shop. The skull was accidentally placed on a bookshelf while an exhibit was being renovated. Someone apparently mistook the real skull for one of the replica skulls sold in the gift shop…and sold it as a souvenir.”

—Reuters

EGG ON HIS FACE

“A 30-year-old plumber from Perugia in central Italy came up with a novel way of proposing to his girlfriend: He ordered a chocolate Easter egg with an expensive engagement ring, featuring a huge diamond and three rubies set in gold, placed inside. The young man then presented his beloved with the egg, a traditional Easter gift in that part of Italy. He didn’t say anything to the girl, wanting her to open it on her own and experience the surprise of her life. Several days went by with no response from the girl, so he finally asked her if she had enjoyed his present. What he heard left him speechless. The girl explained she did not like dark chocolate, of which the egg was made, so she went to a nearby café and exchanged it for an identical egg made of milk chocolate.

“The two rushed to the café, but learned the egg had already been sold to another customer. No trace of the egg or the ring was ever found.”

—Financial Times

“OH LORD, WON’T YOU BUY ME A…”

“When a gold Mercedes-Benz sports sedan was delivered by mistake to Ruth Shepard’s driveway in Uniondale, New York, in May 2002, she thought it was a surprise Mother’s Day present. A short time later, she was arrested for resisting police officers’ attempts to get the car back to its rightful owner.”

—Universal Press Syndicate

Some snakes can go an entire year without eating.

GRANNY DUMPING

How do doctors, nurses, and other hospital workers deal with the stress of being exposed to illness and death on a daily basis? They come up with irreverent, occasionally morbid—and very funny—terms for what goes on in the hospital every day
.

Blood Suckers:
People who take blood samples, e.g., nurses or laboratory technicians

Gassers:
Anesthetists

Rear Admiral:
Proctologist

AGA:
Acute Gravity Attack—the patient fell over

AGMI:
Ain’t Gonna Make It

Coffin Dodger:
A patient the hospital staff thought was going to die, but didn’t

Gone Camping:
A patient in an oxygen tent

Shotgunning:
Ordering lots of tests, in the hope that one of them will identify what is wrong with a patient

GPO:
Good For Parts Only

D&D:
Divorced and Desperate; someone who isn’t sick but comes to the hospital because they need attention

CTD:
Circling the drain, or close to death

Rule of Five:
If more than five of the patient’s orifices have tubes running out of them, they’re CTD.

UBI:
Unexplained Beer Injury

Pop Drop/Granny Dumping:
Checking an elderly relative into an emergency room, just so you can go on vacation without them

ECU:
“Eternal Care Unit” (deceased), as in: “He’s gone to the ECU.”

DBI:
Dirt Bag Index—a mathematical formula: the number of a patient’s tattoos times the number of missing teeth equals the number of days since they last bathed.

VIP:
Very Intoxicated Person

Hand Them a Bible So They Can Study for the Final:
They’re going to die.

UNIVAC:
Unusually Nasty Infection; Vultures Are Circling

Eating In:
Feeding by way of an intravenous tube

GTTL:
Gone To The Light (deceased)

Silver Bracelet Award:
A patient brought in wearing handcuffs

Bathroom fact: The average water temperature for showers in the U.S. is 105°F.

WORD ORIGINS

Ever wonder where words come from?
Here are some more interesting stories
.

P
ANDEMONIUM

Meaning:
Wild and noisy disorder or confusion
Origin:
“John Milton’s word for the capital of Hell in
Paradise Lost
(1667). He wrote it as ‘Pandaemonium’—meaning “all demons” in Greek—having no idea that in the 19th century the word would mean ‘uproar.’ So when, as he also wrote, ‘All Hell broke loose,’ all the demons in Hell were scattered, marking the disintegration of the infernal city.” (From
The Secret Lives of Words
, by Paul West)

COOKIE

Meaning:
A small sweet cake, typically round, flat, and crisp

Origin:
“The word was borrowed from the Dutch
koekje
, ‘little cake,’ which is the diminutive of Dutch
koek
, ‘cake.’
Cookie
came into American English from the Dutch settlers of New York. It first appears in 1703 in the statement that ‘at a funeral, 800 cockies…were furnished.’ This early English spelling of the word differs from our modern spelling, but several other spellings also arose, such as
cookey
and
cooky
. The spelling
cookie
may have won out because the word is very common in the plural, spelled
cookies
.” (From
Word Mysteries and Histories
, by the Editors of The American Heritage Dictionaries)