The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want (15 page)

This was the first time I’d had serious attention from a couple of girls focused on me for more than a few seconds. It was a real breakthrough,
because I forged ahead
. Prior to this I’d just asked questions to avoid having the attention focused on me.

I still messed up, though. When I asked what they were doing later, they said they had to meet a friend soon. Swallowing my disappointment, I said, “Oh, okay. Bye then.” I took what they said in the worst possible way, assuming that they were trying to hint that they weren’t interested, and sat back down. As they were leaving, they hung around expectantly, but I didn’t have the courage to reopen and ask for their number. A common mistake guys make is hitting the self-destruct button, as I did on that occasion: they take the tiniest negative thing as an excuse to run away. Practice helps curb that urge to run.

“Assignments” can also get you over approach anxiety. Give yourself assignments each time you go out. Test openers or see how many groups you can engage, for example. Go out with a friend and push each other into action. Find out what your motivation is and when you perform well. I perform well under pressure, so it helps me to tell the guys I’ll open any group they want me to. Other people might want to dare or bet each other. Try some different things and find out what will make your approach happen. Some guys do better with a wingman, so experiment there too. (See chapter 10 for tips on wingmen.)

Some situations just feel uncomfortable. Approaching a girl you’ve really got the hots for, and knowing you’ll be crushed if she rejects you because you haven’t had sex in six months, is destined to be uncomfortable. Going to a club on your own probably will be too. However, most of the discomfort from these situations has to do with your mental frame. By framing a situation differently, you can actually put yourself at ease.

I frequently do this for self-conscious people in my one-on-one trainings: I get them to stand for one minute in a very busy street and look straight ahead—no fidgeting, no shifting around, no looking down. They inevitably feel uncomfortable, as if everyone is looking at them. I then tell them to repeat the exercise, imagining that a friend of theirs is going to appear in the distance around the corner and that they’re waiting to go have coffee with him. They do it again and it’s usually completely comfortable for them.

Similarly, being alone in a club can be framed so that you’re completely comfortable—you’re waiting for a friend. You were meant to meet at the entrance, but he texted to say he’s running late and will be there in an hour. Now you can be more comfortable in the club on your own, though nothing has really changed. It’s like method acting.

You can also apply this to approaching women. Instead of having a pickup frame in your head, try framing the situation as, “I’m a fun, sociable guy. I’m going to talk to lots of people, and if I happen to have a good interaction with a girl I find attractive, closing will be natural.” This is a much healthier frame and also removes a lot of the approach anxiety, outcome dependency, and neediness. You should try to reframe any situation in which you feel uncomfortable.

If you want to dive
deep
into doing belief change work and really “reboot” your psychology, we have a program available called “Inner Game: Installed.” Guys absolutely rave about the program and you can find more about it by going to the following URL: www.puatraining.com/inner gameinstalled/.

Y
ou’ve made the approach. Now it’s time to open. The opener is quite simply the first words that come out of your mouth. Most guys leave this to chance; they rely on luck or hope. Not us, though. In this chapter you will learn what to say to women upon the approach and then what to say just afterward to transition smoothly into an interaction that feels natural and unforced.

The First Minute

The first minute of a pickup is the most important. In this time, you will have identified a girl, gotten into state, overcome any approach anxiety, positioned yourself, opened, and hopefully achieved a “hook point.” Normally, by the end of the first minute you know how receptive your girl is, and whether or not you have a realistic chance of success.

Believe it or not, all openers should start with “Hey.” This pre-opener is an important element, and because it’s counterintuitive—I mean, you expect that first word to be
meaningful
, right?—it needs to be explained.

Think about it: if you deliver an opener to a woman or a group, most of the time you’ll be interrupting something. They will likely be in conversation already, or at least thinking about something with a conversation going on inside their head. When you start talking, you’re breaking that state, and their response will be, “What?” In fact, they’ll say, “What?” even if they heard what you said. Think about how you do this in your own life; be aware of your interaction next time you join a group.

I only learned this properly when I started as a trainer and watched students open without first saying, “Hey.” The girls would say, “What?” and the interaction always seemed to go badly after that. It got the guys off on the wrong foot from the beginning.

The “Hey” is followed by a pause, to ensure that you have the attention of the group
before
you deliver your actual opener. It’s “Hey!”
(Pause as group looks at you.)
“Do you guys …” Actually, you’ve got a little leeway here: the pre-opener can be anything that gets the attention of the group: “Hey!” or “Yo!” or “Howdy!” or even something nonverbal, like a raised hand, a funny or inquisitive facial expression, or some other action that makes the girl or group stop what they’re doing and look at you.

Transitioning from a Good Opener

Friends are always asking me what are the best openers, but what they don’t realize is that the transition is actually more important than the opener. The most important thing is what you follow the opener with. That’s why, until you can freestyle on your own, you need to know your opener and also the transition before you start an interaction.

If you open with, “Hey, should I dye my hair blond?” and the girl says, “Yes,” and you say, “Okay, thanks—bye,” you haven’t accomplished anything. You need to know what you’ll follow it up with. So you can use that opener and then your transition might be, “Cool, because my hairdresser tells me every time I go there that I’d look great with blond hair. He’s a great hairdresser and knows his stuff, but he’s gay, so I really wasn’t sure on this one. Actually, I say he’s gay because I just think he is, but on the other hand he tries to talk about women. He just
looks
gay. Do you think you can tell when a man is gay?” If you go in with that much prepared, you have enough to get to the hook point in the majority of cases. If you have
just
the opener ready, you’ll be putting a lot more pressure on yourself.

Personally I don’t think the opener is that important, and I prove this with students by asking for the lamest opener possible and still showing that I can hook or close.

An example would be, “My elbow hurts,” which was one given to me by a one-on-one student who thought the opener was key. I went up to a seated pair of girls without knowing what I’d come up with as a transition, and actually used, “I was testing the theory that you can use anything to start a conversation.” They were initially very negative, but even after this lame opener they opened up after a minute or so; I stayed for fifteen minutes and got one of their numbers.

The opener is the first
real
thing you say during an interaction, once you’ve taken the stage with your pre-opener. The best openers make your audience laugh, make you look cool, and are much more interesting than whatever the girls were discussing before you came along.

There are various types of openers. An indirect opener is one that doesn’t immediately convey your interest in her and doesn’t put much pressure into the interaction. If you say, “You’re hot and I want you,” that’s very direct and puts a lot of pressure on her; if you say, “When does it get busy here?” there’s no pressure.

Opinion openers, a common form of indirect opener that we’ll talk about later, work very well in bars and quiet clubs; time and time again I’ve seen a guy use them to successfully hook or connect to a group. For now, though, let’s look at some basic indirect lines.

Here are some indirect openers and how they might be used. Different people feel comfortable saying different kinds of things. You can pick a few from below, modify them to fit you better, and later make up your own. You don’t need hundreds. A couple of solid, tried-and-tested openers are enough.

Humor is the approach here. The key is making certain that the first line is deadpan and the second is delivered with a smile. Women are attracted to the unexpected. When they realize that they’ve fallen into your line, they’ll laugh and become interested in you.

This opener involves approaching a woman, pointing to a guy you (supposedly) think is “perfect” for her, and trying to take her over to meet him. Invariably she’ll refuse, and then you can say how she should trust you because you’re a great matchmaker. That opener leads nicely into conversation on dating and relationships. Her objection is projected onto the other guy, so you’ve got less chance of getting rejected yourself. It also provides a false disqualifier, meaning something that hides the fact that you are hitting on her, ultimately making it easier to hook a group.

If you’ve got a situation where you’re walking and a girl you’re interested in blocks your path, put your hand up as if to gesture her to stop.

Look at her seriously and deliver the line. The key is the pause; it makes her think you’re going to say, “You are so beautiful” or some other clichéd statement. If you do it right, it guarantees a laugh. I used to use it when I first started, and the girls would laugh but still carry on walking afterward—so you need to quickly introduce yourself in order to extend the opening.

Standard opener—can be delivered with a skeptical face. Be ready for a yes or no answer and have a follow-up ready.

This one puts them on the spot slightly and then releases the tension; they’ll laugh if it’s delivered right.

This allows the funny follow-up, “I’m looking for a rich girl who can buy me stuff.” I use this successfully, but, as with all the other one-liners, don’t expect it to be a magic bullet. You still need to work a bit more to reach the hook point.

This is a semi-direct approach, but the pressure is softened by its humor.

This one should get a laugh. You’ll be on the spot after this, though, so have something to follow it up with.

This one is good for a girl with a hat or some other kind of striking accessory. You look at her, do a double-take, focus your attention on the item, and screw your face up as if something is wrong. Hold out a finger as if to say, “Wait,” adjust the item, then study her again and make a thumbsup. Don’t let the opener end there, though; otherwise that’ll be it. Follow it up with something like this:

You:
What’s your name?

Her:
Tanya.