The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (13 page)

STEP 8: STIMULATE THE CLITORIS AND VAGINA TOGETHER

Whether you are self-pleasuring or making love with your partner, make sure you optimize clitoral touch. In particular, a great many women require clitoral stimulation with intercourse in order to orgasm. As sex researchers Alan P. Brauer and Donna J. Brauer note, “When a man’s penis is thrusting in a woman’s vagina, he’s directly stimulating his most sensitive organ [the head of his penis], but only indirectly stimulating hers.”
15
There are various ways to stimulate your clitoris during intercourse. Your partner can use his hands, which is easier in certain positions, such as woman on top or “doggie style,” with the man behind.

Some women find it extremely pleasurable to have their clitoris rubbed by their partner’s pubis during intercourse. This is easiest with you on top in a kneeling position so that you can direct the amount of pressure you want. This can also be done with the man on top if he places his pubis against his partner’s clitoris. You can experiment with different positions to find which works best for you.

It is also more than okay to stimulate your own clitoris during intercourse. Most lovers find it
highly
erotic to see their partner stimulating herself to orgasm. If your partner feels left out, he can rest his fingers on yours or you can rest yours on his.

If it’s your vibrator that really gets you going, there’s no reason that you can’t use it during intercourse. The vibrations might also stimulate your partner. If your partner feels territorial about having the only “long, hard thing” in the bedroom, you may want to explain that he is not being replaced, just complemented. Explain that since you have multiple pleasurable spots, it helps you to have more than one of them stimulated at the same time. You can also give him a turn stimulating you with the vibrator before or during lovemaking.

STEP 9: ASK FOR A HELPING HAND

If you’re trying to experience multiple orgasms with self-pleasuring, this step does not apply since you can follow your own whims. However, most women who want to experience multiple orgasms also want to do so with a partner.

Asking your partner for what you need and want is vital to your ability to have multiple orgasms. It is worth remembering that the success of your

The pressure of having to have multiple orgasms to please

him
can prevent you from having multiple orgasms that

please
you.

sexual communication is dependent on your overall ability to communicate openly with your partner. What goes on in the bedroom (or wherever you happen to make love) is not separate from the rest of your life together. If you feel anger or resentment toward your partner, it will carry over into your sexual relationship. Try to resolve negative feelings before sexual exploration. (Please see chapter 6, “Making Real Love,” for a longer discussion of emotional and sexual intimacy.)

Your partner must also be interested and invested in your having multiple orgasms. Your lover needs to be willing to try different positions and types of stimulation and to listen to your directions (verbal and nonverbal) about what you need. If you sense some reluctance in your partner, remind him that the energy he invests will result in great rewards for your sex life as well as a much happier, more satisfied you!

On the other hand, some men are so
personally
invested in their partner having an orgasm (or many) that they see it as a lack of their own abilities if she does not. Although this attitude may be an improvement over the grunt-and-roll-over phenomenon, having a partner who is obsessed with your hav-ing multiple orgasms will not help you to do so. You must be in a playful and relaxed mood to have a second orgasm, which is difficult when the goal of multiple orgasms becomes all-important.

The pressure of having to have multiple orgasms to please
him
can prevent you from having multiple orgasms that please
you.
Remind him that your body is
your
body and your level of pleasure is not a reflection of his skill as a lover, your attraction to him, or your affection for him. Explain that, unlike chocolate and flowers, an orgasm cannot be given to you. You need to allow yourself to have an orgasm. Or to put it into guy language, you need to be the
quarterback,
and you need to call the plays
.

From your experiences in self-touching and finding your sensitive spots, you should now have a good idea of how you like to be touched and stimulated. It is vital that you be able to communicate this to your partner during lovemaking. Most partners appreciate feedback about how they’re doing. Remember that it can be frustrating for your partner to try to please you if he does not hear what you like or dislike.

Giving good feedback is a loving art. The bedroom is a vulnerable place, where we are naked both physically and emotionally. Be careful to focus on

telling your partner what you like and what you want rather than on what you don’t like.

For example, it is not usually as successful to say, “Stop that!” or “That hurts!” or “You’re not doing it right!” The result is usually withdrawal and hurt feelings. If your partner is trying to please you, it is important not to be judgmental of his attempts. Criticism will dampen your partner’s sexual desire as well as his or her desire to please you. If you don’t like what your partner is doing, it is much more effective to say, “Try it a little more over here,” or “A little lighter pressure. Yeah, that’s good.” As in any learning process, lots of positive feedback is always helpful.

If it is difficult to talk to your partner during lovemaking, or if it breaks your concentration on your pleasure, use nonverbal sounds and talk about it later. But don’t forget to talk about it. As embarrassing as it might seem at first, it is essential to the strengthening of your sexual relationship (not to mention your relationship in general).

Whether or not you feel comfortable telling your partner what you want, don’t forget the power of nonverbal sounds to direct your partner to the places and ways you’d like to be touched. Be generous with your moans, ooohs, and aaahhhs. Not only do they encourage the kind of touch you want; they turn your partner on, too. Most men consider their partner’s satisfied sounds to be the greatest aphrodisiac.

Try out each of the nine steps alone or with a partner, then adapt them to suit your own rhythm and sexual tastes. The following exercise distills the nine steps into a helpful sequence for easy reference. All women have different preferences. You should explore any combination of the nine steps that works for you.

Finally, do not worry if you do not have multiple orgasms on the first try. Try to see your attempts to reach multiple orgasms as a playful, exploratory process that gives you great sensual rewards all along the way. Taoist sexuality is about increasing your pleasure and sexual energy and about harmonizing with your partner, which you do when you experience pleasure, whether or not you have an orgasm. While orgasms are wonderful, they are just peaks within a mountain range of pleasure.

Giving good feedback is a loving art. The bedroom is a vulnerable place, where we are naked both physically and emotionally.

Most men consider their partner
’
s satis
fi
ed sounds to be the greatest aphrodisiac.

Exer cise 12

BECOMING A MULTI-ORGASMIC WOMAN

1. YOU MUST BELIEVE: You can have multiple orgasms. Choose a date and time for your multi-orgasmic play, and keep it!
   

2. TURN ON YOUR MIND: Create a sensual atmosphere for lovemaking and use your imagination or erotic literature/film to explore your fantasy life.
   

3. STIMULATE MULTIPLE PLEASURE POINTS: Start with full-body caresses and move toward your hot spots: neck, ears, nipples.
   

4. FOLLOW THE WAY OF THE TONGUE: If with a partner, begin with cunnilingus. If by yourself, use a vibrator for stimulating your clitoris. Also continue stimulating your other pleasure points.
   

5. TEASE YOURSELF: With cunnilingus or with a vibrator, use the teasing technique of stimulating and backing off. Then have your first orgasm. Restart pleasuring yourself within thirty seconds.
   

6. GO, SPOT, GO: Move slowly to penetration. If with your partner, use positions that stimulate the G spot (for example, man from behind with the woman lying on her stomach). If by yourself, use a vibrator or dildo to stimulate your G spot.
   

7. USE YOUR PC MUSCLE: Contract around your partner’s penis or your vibrator or dildo, using whichever
   PC
   muscle technique feels good to you.
   

8. STIMULATE THE CLITORIS AND VAGINA TOGETHER: Continue to stimulate your clitoris during penetration.
   

9. ASK FOR A HELPING HAND: Tell your partner what feels good and what you need. Now ride your pleasure to another wave of orgasm. Congratulations! You are a multi-orgasmic woman.
   

Missing the Big Bang: Overcoming Anorgasmia

While Taoist sexuality is not nearly as goal oriented as our Western view of sex, it does appreciate the importance of orgasm for both our pleasure and our health. This section is for those women who are having difficulty experiencing the regular sexual pleasure that they want even after completing the exercises earlier in the chapter.