The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (14 page)

Our sexual desire waxes and wanes according to our overall health and the events in our life. However, women who have never been able to orgasm,

either by self-stimulation or with a partner, are considered to be “anorgas-mic,” or “without orgasm.” The good news is that at least 90 percent of women who have never had an orgasm will be able to experience one.

Practicing self-stimulation and learning where you are most sensitive is the key to becoming orgasmic. All sex experts on anorgasmia recommend doing exercises as described at the beginning of the chapter to explore and stimulate your body. You should do these exercises in a relaxed way for at least a week before going on to try to stimulate yourself to orgasm. For some women, just the chance to explore their body without the pressure of having to orgasm allows them to relax and increase their sexual energy to the point that they can orgasm when they do try.

Don’t forget about the importance of increasing your desire in a relaxed, sensual atmosphere. Consider using music, candlelight, erotica, movies, or literature as you feel comfortable. If after several weeks you are still unable to orgasm, consider buying a vibrator. The majority of women orgasm most eas-ily with stimulation of their clitoris with a vibrator. (Consult the Resources at the end of the book for a store or Internet site to help you choose a vibrator that suits you.) However, you can certainly try to stimulate other vaginal spots, as discussed previously, as well. Try other means of stimulation also, such as the showerhead or a hot tub jet.

For many women it is the inability to relax their body and/or distracting repetitive thoughts in their mind that keeps them from experiencing orgasm. Orgasm requires letting go of rational thought and letting your body move as it wishes without your conscious control. This release of control is difficult for many people in our society. The belly breathing technique that we learned earlier in the chapter (Exercise 7) is essential for relaxing your mind and body.

You should use the belly breathing technique whenever you begin to feel anxious or tense during your self-stimulation exercises. It will also help quiet nagging thoughts in your mind that distract you from your bodily pleasure.

SHARING YOUR ORGASMS WITH YOUR PARTNER

Most sex therapists recommend using self-stimulation techniques until you can reliably have an orgasm by yourself. After experiencing orgasms by yourself, next you will no doubt want to have them with your partner. Most therapists recommend that, rather than hoping to have an orgasm during intercourse, you pleasure yourself to orgasm in front of your partner. This can be scary and embarrassing but is a wonderful way to show your partner what you like. Often this may feel more comfortable if your partner is willing to

pleasure himself in front of you, too. This allows you to learn the techniques that he uses.

The next step is to do gentle touching with your partner without trying to orgasm. This can include sensual massage and sexual stimulation, the only requirement being that you remain relaxed and enjoy the experience. After a week or two of this nonpressured pleasure, have your partner pleasure you as you have been pleasing yourself all the way to orgasm.

All of these exercises require open and honest communication. If you have difficulty trusting your partner or cannot communicate about your pleasure, it will be difficult to experience orgasm together.

Since most women orgasm with their partner from stimulation other than intercourse, intercourse should be avoided until you are regularly able to orgasm while being touched in other ways. Remember, as we have said above, that using your fingers to stimulate yourself during intercourse is an excellent way to have an orgasm with your partner.

If you are still unable to orgasm there are many good places to find help. The book
Becoming Orgasmic
is a great place to begin (see Resources). We would also strongly encourage you to seek counseling from a sex therapist. Often there are early life experiences that can keep us from our full pleasure. Do not be afraid of exploring what may have been negative experiences with sexuality as a child or young person. Uncovering these may be the door to your sexual freedom.

Finally, there are physiologic influences on women’s ability to become orgasmic. These will be discussed in more detail in the next section. Do not give up hope! With time and persistence almost all women are able to experience orgasm, and absolutely every woman can expand the pleasure she experiences during self-pleasuring and lovemaking.

Today we tend to see the mighty “O” as the be-all and end-all of sex. According to the Taoists, sex and the cultivation of sexual energy have a much broader and more important role as the basis of our vitality and health as well as our emotional and spiritual life. You can cultivate your sexual energy, feel great pleasure, improve your health, and expand the emotional and spiritual intimacy in your relationship even without having orgasms. In short, while we spend a great deal of time teaching men and women how to multiply their orgasms, orgasms are simply part of the larger process of expanding your sexual, creative, and energetic potential.

SITUATIONAL ANORGASMIA

Women who previously have been orgasmic and for whatever reason have stopped being able to experience orgasms are considered to have “situa-

tional” anorgasmia. Joy Davidson, an expert on what she calls “orgasmic dis-ruption,” says, “Women’s orgasmic patterns are far more delicate than men’s. . . . Men are often able to have an orgasm via physical stimulation alone while we tend to weave a tangled web of thought, physical potential, fantasy and emotion into each sexual encounter.”
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If a woman has a new partner, increased stress at work or in the family, a change in medications, or a new home or phase of life, she may have a change in her orgasmic pattern. Usually this is attributable to one of several common causes.

PERIMENOPAUSE AND MENOPAUSE

Women who are entering perimenopause, from ages forty to fifty-five, often are experiencing some new and sudden fluctuations in their hormonal balance. In addition to dropping estrogen levels, which decrease lubrication of the vaginal area and can decrease desire, a woman also experiences a drop-off in her testosterone level. Testosterone appears to be one of the primary factors in women’s libido and orgasmic potential. (For a longer discussion of the changes that take place around menopause, see “Sexual Health for Older Women” in chapter 8.)

Women who begin hormone replacement therapy at the time of menopause seem to have some increase in their sexual drive and sexual function. However, for most women, this is still not equivalent to the strength of their libido in their thirties and forties. Supplementing with testosterone has profoundly positive effects on sex drive. However, testosterone supplementa-tion is still experimental, and its safety and potential side effects are not completely understood. If you are in this life stage and find your sex drive or orgasmic ability diminished, you may want to consult your physician about testosterone and other new therapies that are becoming available.

PREGNANCY AND POSTPARTUM

Women who are pregnant, postpartum, or breast-feeding also complain about loss of desire or sexual sensitivity. Though some women have significantly increased libido while pregnant, other women suffer a decrease in libido. In the postpartum period and when breast-feeding, almost all women have a decrease in sex drive as a result of the hormone prolactin, which is responsible for producing milk. Though this may be inconvenient for you (and your partner) for a period of time, your desire should soon return to nor-mal once you are finished breast-feeding.

It should go without saying that breast-feeding is extremely important for the health of the growing baby and well worth the temporary dampening of sexual drive. Though your drive to initiate sex is often decreased, you may find that once you are actually being sexual with your partner, your pleasure and orgasmic potential are not diminished. Most new parents find they have precious little time to think about sex, let alone to do it. During this time, massage and continuing to touch your partner are essential for your physical as well as emotional well-being. (We discuss the important hormonal benefits of touch in chapter 4.) As breast-feeding decreases
and
the baby sleeps better (at last!), your desire will begin to return.

BIRTH CONTROL

Another common enemy of sex drive and orgasm is the birth control pill. Although some women actually experience an increase in sex drive on the birth control pill, most women have a decrease in their general libido and sexual responsiveness. The high estrogen and progesterone levels in the pill can often outweigh your natural testosterone levels. Oral contraceptives are an extremely effective form of birth control (possibly in part because many women who are on them don’t want to have sex!).

If you need dependable birth control and are still planning to have children in the future, we would not recommend that you go off the pill. However, if the effect on your libido is extreme, you might want to consider alternative forms of contraception. Keep in mind that progesterone-only forms of birth control such as Depo-Provera (the shot taken every three months) and Norplant (the capsules inserted into your inner arm that last for six years) can have the same effect of decreasing libido. Other birth control methods that do not decrease sex drive unfortunately are more inconvenient and less reliable (condoms plus spermicide, diaphragm, cervical cap). One exception to this is the
IUD
, which both is extremely effective and has no hormonal effect on you.
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The modern
IUD
s are extremely safe, but they are recommended only for women who have already conceived or given birth and are monogamous.
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