The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (503 page)

down; I come to speak with her, indeed.

There's an old woman, a fat woman, who went up into

his room: I think that I will wait, sir, until she comes

back down; in fact I've come to speak with her.

Host

Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'll

call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from

thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine

host, thine Ephesian, calls.

Ha! A fat woman! The knight may be robbed: I'll

call. Good knight! Good Sir John! Give us one of your

parade ground shouts: are you there? This is your

landlord, your good friend, calling.

FALSTAFF

[Above] How now, mine host!

Hello there, mine host!

Host

Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of

thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her

descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?

fie!

Enter FALSTAFF

There is a savage here waiting for your fat woman

to come down. Let her come down, old man, let her

come down; this is a respectable place: no secret

goings-on here!

FALSTAFF

There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with

me; but she's gone.

Landlord, I did have an old fat woman with me

just now; but she's gone.

SIMPLE

Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman of

Brentford?

Excuse me, sir, wasn't it the wise woman of

Brentford?

FALSTAFF

Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?

Yes, certainly, it was, you gaping fool: what do you want with her?

SIMPLE

My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing

her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether

one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the

chain or no.

My master, sir, Master Slender, enquired after her, seeing

her walk through the streets; he wanted to know, sir, whether

a man called Nym, sir, that tricked him out of a chain,

had the chain or not.

FALSTAFF

I spake with the old woman about it.

I spoke to the old woman about it.

SIMPLE

And what says she, I pray, sir?

Please can you tell me what she says, sir?

FALSTAFF

Marry, she says that the very same man that

beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of

it.

Well, she says that the same man who

tricked Master Slender out of his chain stole

it from him.

SIMPLE

I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;

I had other things to have spoken with her too from

him.

I wish I could have spoken with the woman herself;

there were other things he wanted me to ask.

FALSTAFF

What are they? let us know.

What are they? Tell us.

Host

Ay, come; quick.

Yes come on, tell us.

SIMPLE

I may not reveal them, sir.

I can't disclose them, sir.

Host

Reveal them, or thou diest.

Disclose them or you're dead.

SIMPLE

Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne

Page; to know if it were my master's fortune to

have her or no.

Well, sir,  they were only about Mistress Anne

Page; my master wanted to know if it was his fate

to have her or not.

FALSTAFF

'Tis, 'tis his fortune.

Yes it is, it is his fate.

SIMPLE

What, sir?

What, sir?

FALSTAFF

To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.

 To have her, or not. Go on, tell him the woman told me so.

SIMPLE

May I be bold to say so, sir?

Dare I say this?

FALSTAFF

Ay, sir; like who more bold.

Yes, sir; be as bold as you like.

SIMPLE

I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad

with these tidings.

Exit

Thank you your worship: this news will make my master glad.

Host

Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was

there a wise woman with thee?

You're a scholar, a scholar, Sir John. Was

there a wise woman with you?

FALSTAFF

Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught

me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;

and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for

my learning.

Enter BARDOLPH

Yes there was, landlord; one who taught

me more sense than I have ever learned in my life;

and I didn't pay for it either, but was paid

for learning.

BARDOLPH

Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!

Oh, alas, sir! Cheating, straightforward cheating!

Host

Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.

Where are my horses? You'd better give me good news, scoundrel.

BARDOLPH

Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came

beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of

them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,

like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.

Gone with the cheaters; for as soon as we got

past Eton they threw me off from where I sat behind one of

them, into the mud; they dug in their spurs and set off,

like three German devils, three Dr Faustuses.

Host

They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not

say they be fled; Germans are honest men.

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS

They've only gone to meet the Duke, scoundrel: don't

say that they've bolted; Germans are honest men.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Where is mine host?

Where is the landlord?

Host

What is the matter, sir?

What's the matter, sir?

SIR HUGH EVANS

Have a care of your entertainments: there is a

friend of mine come to town tells me there is three

cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of

Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and

money. I tell you for good will, look you: you

are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and

'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.

Exit

Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

Be careful who you welcome in: a friend

of mine has come to town and tells me that there are three

fake Germans who have conned all the landlords of

Reading, Maidenhead and Colebrook out of horses

and money. I tell you as a goodwill gesture, you note: you

are smart and full of jokes and mockery, but

you shouldn't be conned. Goodbye.

DOCTOR CAIUS

Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

Where is the landlord of the Garter?

Host

Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.

Here, master doctor, worried and confused.

DOCTOR CAIUS

I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat

you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by

my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to

come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.

Exit

I don't know what you're talking about: but I have been told

that you are making great preparations to welcome a German duke:

upon my word, no such duke is expected at court.

I tell you this out of goodwill: goodbye.

Host

Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am

undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!

Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH

Raise the alarm, you scoundrel! Help me, knight. I am

tricked! Hurry, run and raise the alarm, you scoundrel! I am tricked!

FALSTAFF

I would all the world might be cozened; for I have

been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to

the ear of the court, how I have been transformed

and how my transformation hath been washed and

cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by

drop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrant

they would whip me with their fine wits till I were

as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered

since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my

wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

Now, whence come you?

I wish all the world could be tricked; for I have

been tricked and beaten as well. If the court should get to

hear about how I have been changed

and how in the process I have been soaked and

beaten, they would melt me down for fat

and grease fisherman's boots with me; I

guarantee they would beat me with their great wits

until I was as shrivelled as a dried pear. I never

have had any luck since I cheated at cards.

Well, if I had enough breath to do it, I would

repent.

Now, where have you come from?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

From the two parties, forsooth.

Why, from the two ladies.

FALSTAFF

The devil take one party and his dam the other! and

so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more

for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy

of man's disposition is able to bear.

The devil take one of them and his mother the other!

That will take care of them both. I have suffered more

for their sakes than the useless weakness of

man is able to bear.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;

speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,

is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a

white spot about her.

And haven't they suffered? They certainly have,

especially one of them; Mistress Ford, my dear,

has been beaten black and blue, so you can't see

an inch of white skin.

FALSTAFF