The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (500 page)

MISTRESS FORD

He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,

coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an

abstract for the remembrance of such places, and

goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.

He'll look there, I'm sure. Whether you hide in the cupboard,

strongbox, chest, trunk, well or cellar, he has a

list to help him remember all these places, and

he goes to them in turn: we can't hide you in the house.

FALSTAFF

I'll go out then.

Then I'll leave.

MISTRESS PAGE

If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir

John. Unless you go out disguised--

If you go out with your usual appearance, you will die, Sir

John. Unless you go out disguised–

MISTRESS FORD

How might we disguise him?

How can we disguise him?

MISTRESS PAGE

Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gown

big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,

a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.

Alas, I can't think! There is no dress

big enough for him, otherwise he could put on a hat,

a scarf and a bandanna, and so escape.

FALSTAFF

Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather

than a mischief.

Dear women, think of something: I'll do anything to avoid

being wounded.

MISTRESS FORD

My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a

gown above.

My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a

dress upstairs.

MISTRESS PAGE

On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he

is: and there's her thrummed hat and her muffler

too. Run up, Sir John.

I swear, that will do him; she's as big as he

is: there's her fringed hat and her scarf

too. Run up there, Sir John.

MISTRESS FORD

Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will

look some linen for your head.

Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will

find some covering for your head.

MISTRESS PAGE

Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: put

on the gown the while.

Exit FALSTAFF

Hurry! We'll come and dress you in a moment: in

the meantime put on the dress.

MISTRESS FORD

I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he

cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears

she's a witch; forbade her my house and hath

threatened to beat her.

I hope my husband meets him in this disguise: he

hates the old woman of Brentford; he's convinced

she's a witch; he's banned her from the house and has

threatened to beat her.

MISTRESS PAGE

Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the

devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

May heaven lead him to your husband's stick, and may the

devil control the stick after that!

MISTRESS FORD

But is my husband coming?

But is my husband coming?

MISTRESS PAGE

Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket

too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.

Yes, in all seriousness, he is; he is talking about the basket

too, however he found out about that.

MISTRESS FORD

We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry the

basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as

they did last time.

We'll put that to the test; I'll tell my men to carry the

basket again, and meet him at the door with it, like

they did last time.

MISTRESS PAGE

Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress him

like the witch of Brentford.

Well, he'll be here shortly: let's go and dress him

like the witch of Brentford.

MISTRESS FORD

I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the

basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.

Exit

First I'll tell my men what they should do with the

basket. Go upstairs; I'll bring linen for him in a moment.

MISTRESS PAGE

Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.

We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,

Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:

We do not act that often jest and laugh;

'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.

Exit

Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants

Hang him, the dishonest scoundrel! We can't treat him badly enough.

What we do will prove

that wives can be merry and still honest:

we don't often play tricks and laugh;

the old proverb is true, the quietest pig gets the most food.

MISTRESS FORD

Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:

your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it

down, obey him: quickly, dispatch.

Exit

Gentlemen, lift the basket onto your shoulders again:

your master is almost at the door; if he tells you to put it

down, do as he asks: quickly, get going.

First Servant

Come, come, take it up.

Come on, pick it up.

Second Servant

Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

Please God let it not to be full of knight again.

First Servant

I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.

Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

I hope not; I would just as soon carry lead.

FORD

Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any

way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,

villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!

O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, a

pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil

be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!

Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!

Yes, but if I'm right, Master Page, will you still

call me a fool then? Put down the basket,

you rascal! Somebody call my wife. The lover thinks he's won!

Oh you pimping rascals! There's a gang, a pack, a

mob, a conspiracy against me: now the truth

will out. Where are you, wife! Come out, come out!

Let's see the simple clothes you send out to be bleached!

PAGE

Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go

loose any longer; you must be pinioned.

Why, this is too much, Master Ford; you should not be

allowed out; you must be tied down.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog!

Why, this is lunacy! He's as mad as a mad dog!

SHALLOW

Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.

Indeed, Master Ford, this is not good, not good.

FORD

So say I too, sir.

Re-enter MISTRESS FORD

Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honest

woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that

hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect

without cause, mistress, do I?

That's what I say as well, sir.

Come here, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honest

woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, who

has a jealous fool as a husband! My suspicions

are groundless, are they, mistress?

MISTRESS FORD

Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in

any dishonesty.

As heaven is my witness they are, if you suspect me

of any dishonesty.

FORD

Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah!

Pulling clothes out of the basket

Well said, brass neck! Keep it up. Come out, sir!

PAGE

This passes!

This beats everything!

MISTRESS FORD

Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.

Aren't you ashamed? Leave the clothes alone.

FORD

I shall find you anon.

I'll find you soon.

SIR HUGH EVANS

'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife's

clothes? Come away.

This is ridiculous! Will you throw around your wife's

clothes? Come away.

FORD

Empty the basket, I say!

I'm telling you, empty the basket!

MISTRESS FORD

Why, man, why?

Why, man, why?

FORD

Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed

out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may

not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is:

my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.

Pluck me out all the linen.

Master Page, as sure as I'm standing here, someone was carried

out of my house yesterday in this basket: why shouldn't

he be in there again? I am positive he is in my house:

my information is true; my jealousy is justified.

Take out all the linen.

MISTRESS FORD

If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.

If you find a man in there, he'll be small enough to be crushed like a flea.

PAGE

Here's no man.

There is no man here.

SHALLOW

By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this

wrongs you.

I swear, this is bad, Master Ford; this

puts you in the wrong.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the

imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.

Master Ford, you must pray, and not be led by

your own suspicions: this is jealousy.

FORD

Well, he's not here I seek for.

Well, the one I'm looking for isn't here.

PAGE

No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

No and he's nowhere else except in your brain.

FORD

Help to search my house this one time. If I find

not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let

me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of