The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (497 page)

Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

FALSTAFF

Bardolph, I say,--

Bardolph, I want–

BARDOLPH

Here, sir.

I'm here, sir.

FALSTAFF

Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.

Exit BARDOLPH

Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a

barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the

Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick,

I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give

them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues

slighted me into the river with as little remorse as

they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,

fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size

that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the

bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had

been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and

shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells

a man; and what a thing should I have been when I

had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.

Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack

Go and get me a quart of sherry; put some toast in it.

Has it come to this, for me to be carried in a basket

like a barrowful of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the

Thames? Well, if I ever fall for trick like that again,

I'll have my brains taken out and buttered, and give

then to a dog as a New Year's present. The scoundrels

chucked me into the river caring as little

as if they were drowning the puppies of a blind bitch,

with fifteen in the litter; and you can see from my size that

I'm rather good at sinking: if the bottom

went as far down as hell, I would reach it. I would have been

drowned except down the shore shelved and was shallow–

I would hate to die like that: drowned men swell up; and

what should I look like swollen up!

I would look like a mountain of meat.

BARDOLPH

Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

FALSTAFF

Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my

belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for

pills to cool the reins. Call her in.

Let me add some sherry to the Thames water; my

 belly is as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs as

pills to cool my kidneys. Tell her to come in.

BARDOLPH

Come in, woman!

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

Come in, woman!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship

good morrow.

With your permission; I thank you for it: good day

to your worship.

FALSTAFF

Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of

sack finely.

Take away these thimble sized cups. Go and brew me

a good two quarts of sack.

BARDOLPH

With eggs, sir?

With eggs, sir?

FALSTAFF

Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.

Exit BARDOLPH

How now!

I'll take it straight; I don't want chicken sperm in my drink.

Now then!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

Well, sir, I have come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

FALSTAFF

Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown

into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

Mistress Ford! I have had enough of fords; I was thrown

into the ford; my belly is full of ford.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:

she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.

A bad business! Dear man, that was not her fault:

she is furious with her men; they misunderstood their instructions.

FALSTAFF

So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.

So did I, setting store by a foolish woman's promise.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn

your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning

a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her

between eight and nine: I must carry her word

quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.

Well, she is very sorry for it, sir, it would break

your heart to see it. Her husband is going out hunting

this morning; she wants you to come to her again

between eight and nine: I must take her your answer

quickly: she'll make it up to you, I promise you.

FALSTAFF

Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her

think what a man is: let her consider his frailty,

and then judge of my merit.

Well, I will visit: tell her I will; and tell her

to think how frail men can be,

and to judge my merits in that context.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I will tell her.

I will tell her.

FALSTAFF

Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?

Do so. Between nine and ten, did you say?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Eight and nine, sir.

Eight and nine, sir.

FALSTAFF

Well, be gone: I will not miss her.

Well, on your way: I'll be there.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Peace be with you, sir.

Exit

Peace be with you, sir.

FALSTAFF

I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word

to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.

Enter FORD

I'm surprised I haven't heard from Master Brook; he sent me a message

to wait for him: I'm keen on his money. Oh, here he comes.

FORD

Bless you, sir!

Bless you, sir!

FALSTAFF

Now, Master Brook, you come to know what hath passed

between me and Ford's wife?

Now, Master Brook, have you heard of what happened between

myself and Ford's wife?

FORD

That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.

Indeed Sir John, that is why I have come.

FALSTAFF

Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her

house the hour she appointed me.

Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her

house at the time she instructed.

FORD

And sped you, sir?

And did you get on well, sir?

FALSTAFF

Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.

Very badly, Master Brook.

FORD

How so, sir? Did she change her determination?

Why was that, sir? Did she change her mind?

FALSTAFF

No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her

husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual

'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our

encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,

and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;

and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither

provoked and instigated by his distemper, and,

forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.

No, Master Brook; but that slinking cuckold, her

husband, Master Brook, who lives in a continuous

jealous fear, came to me just as things were coming

to the boil, after we had hugged, kissed, spoken our feelings,

and, as it were, gone through the prologue of the comedy;

he had with him a mob of friends, who were

ordered and egged on by his temper

to search his house for his wife's lover.

FORD

What, while you were there?

What, while you were there?

FALSTAFF

While I was there.

While I was there.

FORD

And did he search for you, and could not find you?

And he searched for you, and could not find you?

FALSTAFF

You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes

in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's

approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's

distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

I'll tell you. As good luck had it, in came

one Mistress Page; she gave warning of Ford's

coming; and with her cunning and Ford's wife's

panic, they put me into a laundry basket.

FORD

A buck-basket!

A laundry basket!

FALSTAFF

By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul

shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy

napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest

compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.

By God, a laundry basket!  They shoved me in with dirty

shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy

napkins; Master Brook, together they made the most disgusting

mixture of smells that ever revolted anyone's nose.

FORD

And how long lay you there?

And how long were you in there?

FALSTAFF

Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have

suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.

Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's

knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their

mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to

Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met

the jealous knave their master in the door, who

asked them once or twice what they had in their

basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave

would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he

should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he

for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But

mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs

of three several deaths; first, an intolerable

fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten

bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good

bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to

point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,

like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes

that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a

man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject

to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution