The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (498 page)

and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.

And in the height of this bath, when I was more than

half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be

thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,

in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of

that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.

You shall hear, Master Brook, what I have

endured to turn this woman bad, for your good.

As I was squashed in this basket, a couple of

Ford's scoundrels, his servants, were ordered by their

mistress to take me, disguised as dirty clothes, to

Datchet Lane; they lifted me on their shoulders;

they met that jealous knave their master in the doorway,

who asked them a couple of times what was in

the basket. I was shaking with fear that the mad

knave would search it; but fate, deciding

that he should be betrayed, held back. Well, he

carried on with his search, and I went off disguised

as dirty clothes. But note what happened afterwards, Master Brook:

I had to put up with the fear of three separate deaths. Firstly

there was the terrible fright that I would be discovered by that jealous

diseased ass; next, I was bent double

like a good sword forced into a jar, hilt to point,

head to heels; I was forced in with stinking clothes

like something being boiled in their own grease–think of that–

a man of my type–think of that–who is as affected by

heat as butter; a man who is always boiling and sweating:

it was a miracle I didn't suffocate. And

at the worst of this boiling, when I was more than

half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, I was

thrown into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot,

into the river, like a horseshoe–think of that–

hissing hot–think of that, Master Brook!

FORD

In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you

have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;

you'll undertake her no more?

I am genuinely sorry that you have suffered

all this for my sake. That's the end of my wooing then;

you won't try her again?

FALSTAFF

Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have

been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her

husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have

received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt

eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.

Master Brook, I will be thrown into a volcano, as I have

been into the Thames, before I will give up like this. Her

husband has gone hunting this morning: I have

been summoned to another date by her; between

eight and nine is the time, Master Brook.

FORD

'Tis past eight already, sir.

It's gone eight already, sir.

FALSTAFF

Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.

Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall

know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be

crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall

have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall

cuckold Ford.

Exit

Is it? Then I will go and keep my appointment.

Come to me when you can, and I will tell you

how I got on; and the outcome of it all will be

that you shall have her. Goodbye. You shall

have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall

cheat on Ford.

FORD

Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I

sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!

there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.

This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen

and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself

what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my

house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he

should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,

nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that

guides him should aid him, I will search

impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,

yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:

if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go

with me: I'll be horn-mad.

Exit

Hum! Ha! Is this an hallucination? Is this a dream? Am I

asleep? Master Ford wake up! Wake up, Master Ford!

There is a fault in your perfect life, Master Ford.

This is what marriage is like! This is what it's like to have linen

and laundry baskets! Well, I will reveal myself for

who I am: I will now have the lecher; he is at my

house; he can't escape me; is impossible for him

to do; he can't creep into a change purse,

nor into a pepperpot: but, unless the devil that

guides him helps him, I will search

every possible place. Though I can't help what I am,

I'll be dammed if I become what I am not:

if being cheated on makes one mad, let me be

the proof of it: I shall go mad.

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM PAGE

MISTRESS PAGE

Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?

Do you think he's already at Master Ford's?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Sure he is by this, or will be presently: but,

truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwing

into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.

He surely is by now, or will be very shortly: but,

truly, he's boiling mad about being thrown

into the water. Mistress Ford wants you to come at once.

MISTRESS PAGE

I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young

man here to school. Look, where his master comes;

'tis a playing-day, I see.

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS

How now, Sir Hugh! no school to-day?

I'll be with her soon; first I have to take my young

man here to school. Look, here comes his teacher;

it's a holiday, I see.

Hello there, Sir Hugh! No school today?

SIR HUGH EVANS

No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.

No; Master Slender has given the boys the day off.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Blessing of his heart!

Bless his heart!

MISTRESS PAGE

Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in

the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some

questions in his accidence.

Sir Hugh, my husband says that my son is learning

nothing from his books. Please, test him on

his pronunciation.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.

Come here, William: hold your head up: come on.

MISTRESS PAGE

Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your

master, be not afraid.

Come on, lad; hold your head up; answer your

teacher, don't be shy.

SIR HUGH EVANS

William, how many numbers is in nouns?

William, how many types of nouns are there?

WILLIAM PAGE

Two.

Two.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Truly, I thought there had been one number more,

because they say, ''Od's nouns.'

Well, I thought there was one more than that,

because they say, “odd nouns."

SIR HUGH EVANS

Peace your tattlings! What is 'fair,' William?

Stop your chatter! How do you say ‘fair,’ William?

WILLIAM PAGE

Pulcher.

Pulcher.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Polecats! there are fairer things than polecats, sure.

Polecats! There are certainly fairer things than that.

SIR HUGH EVANS

You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you peace.

What is 'lapis,' William?

You are a very backward woman: please be quiet.

What is ‘lapis,’ William?

WILLIAM PAGE

A stone.

A stone.

SIR HUGH EVANS

And what is 'a stone,' William?

And what is ‘a stone,’ William?

WILLIAM PAGE

A pebble.

A pebble.

SIR HUGH EVANS

No, it is 'lapis:' I pray you, remember in your prain.

No, it is ‘lapis:’ please, keep that in mind.

WILLIAM PAGE

Lapis.

Lapis.

SIR HUGH EVANS

That is a good William. What is he, William, that

does lend articles?

Well done William. What's the one, William, that

lends articles?

WILLIAM PAGE

Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus

declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.

Articles are borrowed from the pronoun, and are

declined like this: singular, nominative, hic, haec, hoc.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark:

genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?

Nominative, hig, hag, hog; make sure you remember: