The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (504 page)

What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was

beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;

and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of

Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,

my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,

delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' the

stocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.

Who cares about black and blue? I was

beaten all the colours of the rainbow;

it seemed I was going to be arrested for being the witch of

Brentford: if it hadn't been for my admirable quick-wittedness,

impersonating an old woman,

the rascally constable would have put me in the

stocks, in the common stocks, as a witch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you

shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your

content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good

hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!

Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that

you are so crossed.

Sir, let me speak with you in your room: I

shall tell you how things stand; I promise you will be

pleased to hear it. Here is a letter which explains a little.

My dears, how difficult it is to bring you together!

I'm sure one of you must have upset heaven for

things to be so awkward.

FALSTAFF

Come up into my chamber.

Exeunt

Come up to my room.

Enter FENTON and Host

Host

Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy: I

will give over all.

Master Fenton, don't talk to me; I'm depressed: I

give up.

FENTON

Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,

And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee

A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

Just listen to me. Help me with my plans,

and I swear as I am a gentleman that I'll make up

your losses and give you a hundred pounds in gold on top.

Host

I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will at the

least keep your counsel.

I will listen to you, Master Fenton; and I will

at least keep your secrets.

FENTON

From time to time I have acquainted you

With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;

Who mutually hath answer'd my affection,

So far forth as herself might be her chooser,

Even to my wish: I have a letter from her

Of such contents as you will wonder at;

The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,

That neither singly can be manifested,

Without the show of both; fat Falstaff

Hath a great scene: the image of the jest

I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.

To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,

Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;

The purpose why, is here: in which disguise,

While other jests are something rank on foot,

Her father hath commanded her to slip

Away with Slender and with him at Eton

Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,

Her mother, ever strong against that match

And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed

That he shall likewise shuffle her away,

While other sports are tasking of their minds,

And at the deanery, where a priest attends,

Straight marry her: to this her mother's plot

She seemingly obedient likewise hath

Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:

Her father means she shall be all in white,

And in that habit, when Slender sees his time

To take her by the hand and bid her go,

She shall go with him: her mother hath intended,

The better to denote her to the doctor,

For they must all be mask'd and vizarded,

That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,

With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head;

And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,

To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,

The maid hath given consent to go with him.

From time to time I have told you about

the dear love I have for beautiful Anne Page,

who in as much as she can make her own choice

has returned my affection as well

as I could wish for. I have a letter from her,

the contents of which will amaze you,

the joke of which is so mixed up with my affair

that I can't tell you about one

without the other. Fat Falstaff

plays a great part; I will outline the

idea of the joke for you. Listen, my good landlord.

Tonight at Herne's oak, just between twelve and one,

my sweet Nan will appear as the Fairy Queen–

this explains why–and in this disguise,

whilst other jokes are afoot,

her father has ordered her to slip

away with Slender, and to marry him at once

at Eton; she has agreed.

Now, sir, her mother, who is very much against that match

and favours Doctor Caius, has arranged

that he too should steal her away,

while other matters keep people distracted,

and go to the chapel, where a priest is waiting,

and marry her once; she has pretended

to be obedient to this plot of her mother's as well

and made a promise to the Doctor. Now, this is how it stands:

her father intends for her to be dressed all in white;

in that dress, when Slender sees the opportunity

to take her by the hand and tell her to go,

she shall go with him: her mother intends,

in order to mark her out better for the Doctor–

for they will all be wearing masks and face coverings–

that she will be neatly dressed in green,

with ribbons hanging down around her head;

and when the Doctor sees his opportunity,

to grab her by the hand, that will be the sign

on which the girl has agreed to go with him.

Host

Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

Who does she mean to deceive, her father or her mother?

FENTON

Both, my good host, to go along with me:

And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar

To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one,

And, in the lawful name of marrying,

To give our hearts united ceremony.

Both, good landlord, so that she can come with me:

and what I want is for you to get the vicar

to wait for me at the church between twelve and one,

so that our hearts can be joined together

in the lawful name of matrimony.

Host

Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar:

Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

Well, you do your part; I'll go to the vicar:

if you produce the girl, you won't lack the priest.

FENTON

So shall I evermore be bound to thee;

Besides, I'll make a present recompense.

Exeunt

I shall be indebted to you for ever;

and also, I'll reward you at once.

Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY

FALSTAFF

Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll hold. This is

the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd

numbers. Away I go. They say there is divinity in

odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!

Please, no more chatter; go. I'll be there. This is

the third time; I hope good luck comes with odd

numbers. Off I go. They say that there is fate

in odd numbers, in birth, luck or death. Go!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I'll provide you a chain; and I'll do what I can to

get you a pair of horns.

I'll get you a chain; and I'll do what I can to

get you a pair of horns.

FALSTAFF

Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and mince.

Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY

Enter FORD

How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter

will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the

Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall

see wonders.

Go, I say; time is passing: lift up your head and trot off.

Hello there, Master Brook! Master Brook, the thing

will be decided tonight or never. Be in the

Park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall

see amazing things.