The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (505 page)

FORD

Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me

you had appointed?

Didn't you go to see her yesterday, sir, as you told me

you had arranged?

FALSTAFF

I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor

old man: but I came from her, Master Brook, like a

poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband,

hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him,

Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell

you: he beat me grievously, in the shape of a

woman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear

not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because I know

also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along

with me: I'll tell you all, Master Brook. Since I

plucked geese, played truant and whipped top, I knew

not what 'twas to be beaten till lately. Follow

me: I'll tell you strange things of this knave

Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged, and I

will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow.

Strange things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.

Exeunt

I went to see her, Master Brook, as you see me now, a poor

old man: but I came away, Master Brook, like a

poor old woman. That rascal Ford, her husband,

has the most amazing angry jealous daemon in him,

Master Brook, that ever drove a man mad. I will tell

you: he beat me very roughly, when I was disguised as

a woman; when I am a man, Master Brook, I wouldn't

be afraid of Goliath armed with a tree trunk, because I know

that life is fragile as a twig. I'm in a hurry; come along

with me: I'll tell you all about it, Master Brook. I haven't

experienced such a beating since I was a

naughty schoolboy. Follow me:

I'll tell you strange things about this rascal

Ford, on whom I will get my revenge tonight. Come with me.

Strange things are afoot, Master Brooke! Come with me.

Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

PAGE

Come, come; we'll couch i' the castle-ditch till we

see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender,

my daughter.

Come on; we'll hide in the castle moat until we

see the light of our fairies. Remember, Slender my son,

my daughter.

SLENDER

Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her and we have a

nay-word how to know one another: I come to her in

white, and cry 'mum;' she cries 'budget;' and by

that we know one another.

Yes, indeed; I have spoken to her and we have a

password to recognise each other with: I will come to her (she'll be in

white) and say ‘mum;' she will say ' budget;' and

that will let us know who we are.

SHALLOW

That's good too: but what needs either your 'mum'

or her 'budget?' the white will decipher her well

enough. It hath struck ten o'clock.

That's a good plan: but why do you need to say ‘mum'

or her say ‘budget'? Her white clothes will show her

well enough. It's gone ten o'clock.

PAGE

The night is dark; light and spirits will become it

well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil

but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns.

Let's away; follow me.

Exeunt

It's a dark night; lights and ghosts will suit it

well. May heaven help our joke! No man means evil,

just the devil, and we shall recognise him by his horns.

Let's go; follow me.

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS

MISTRESS PAGE

Master doctor, my daughter is in green: when you

see your time, take her by the hand, away with her

to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before

into the Park: we two must go together.

Master doctor, my daughter is dressed in green: when you

see the opportunity, take her by the hand, go with her

to the chapel, and get the business done quickly. Go ahead

into the park: we two must go together.

DOCTOR CAIUS

I know vat I have to do. Adieu.

I know what I have to do. Goodbye.

MISTRESS PAGE

Fare you well, sir.

Exit DOCTOR CAIUS

My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of

Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying

my daughter: but 'tis no matter; better a little

chiding than a great deal of heart-break.

Good luck, sir.

My husband will not be as happy at tormenting

Falstaff as he will be angry with the doctor marrying

my daughter: but never mind; better a little

telling off than a great deal of heartbreak.

MISTRESS FORD

Where is Nan now and her troop of fairies, and the

Welsh devil Hugh?

Where is Nan now and the troop of fairies, and the

Welsh devil Hugh?

MISTRESS PAGE

They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne's oak,

with obscured lights; which, at the very instant of

Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once

display to the night.

They are all hidden in a hollow right by Herne's oak,

with shaded lights; as soon as we meet

Falstaff they will let them blaze into the night.

MISTRESS FORD

That cannot choose but amaze him.

That can't help but astonish him.

MISTRESS PAGE

If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be

amazed, he will every way be mocked.

If it doesn't bewilder him, he will be mocked; if he is

bewildered, he will be even more mocked.

MISTRESS FORD

We'll betray him finely.

We'll set him up nicely.

MISTRESS PAGE

Against such lewdsters and their lechery

Those that betray them do no treachery.

When dealing with such rude men and their lechery

it's no treachery to expose them.

MISTRESS FORD

The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!

Exeunt

The time is coming near. Let's get to the oak!

Enter FALSTAFF disguised as Herne

FALSTAFF

The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute

draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist me!

Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love

set on thy horns. O powerful love! that, in some

respects, makes a beast a man, in some other, a man

a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the love

of Leda. O omnipotent Love! how near the god drew

to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first in

the form of a beast. O Jove, a beastly fault! And

then another fault in the semblance of a fowl; think

on 't, Jove; a foul fault! When gods have hot

backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a

Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i' the

forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can

blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? my

doe?

Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE

The clock at Windsor has struck twelve; the time

is coming near. Now, may the lusty gods assist me!

Remember, Jupiter, you became a bull for your Europa;

you aimed at love with your horns. Oh powerful love that sometimes

can make an animal into a man; at other times it makes a man

an animal. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the love

of Leda. Oh all-powerful love, how nearly the God became

the goose! It was a sin first done in the

shape of a beast: O Jupiter, a beastly sin! And then

another sin when you were shaped like a fowl: think of it,

Jupiter, a foul sin! When even gods get lustful, what

shall poor men do? As for me, here I am, a Windsor

stag, and I think I'm the fattest in the forest. Please make

my mating season cool, Jupiter, or I swear my fat will melt.

Who is this coming? My mate?

MISTRESS FORD

Sir John! art thou there, my deer? my male deer?

Sir John! Are you there, my dear? My buck?

FALSTAFF

My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain

potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Green

Sleeves, hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes; let

there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.