The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (506 page)

My doe with the black tail! Let the sky rain

potatoes; let the thunder play the tune of Greensleeves,

let the hail be breath fresheners and the snow aphrodisiacs;

let there be a storm of temptation, I will shelter here.

MISTRESS FORD

Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.

Mistress Page has come with me, sweetheart.

FALSTAFF

Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch: I will

keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow

of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands.

Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter?

Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes

restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!

Noise within

Split me between you like a poached deer, a haunch each: I will

take my sides for myself, give the gamekeeper my shoulders

and your husbands can have the horns.

Am I a hunter, eh? Do I speak like Herne the hunter?

Why, Cupid is showing that he has a conscience; he's making

up for the past. Welcome from a faithful spirit!

MISTRESS PAGE

Alas, what noise?

Oh no, what's that noise?

MISTRESS FORD

Heaven forgive our sins!

May heaven forgive our sins!

FALSTAFF

What should this be?

What's going on?

MISTRESS FORD MISTRESS PAGE

Away, away!

They run off

Run, run!

FALSTAFF

I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the

oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he would

never else cross me thus.

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS, disguised as before; PISTOL, as Hobgoblin; MISTRESS QUICKLY, ANNE PAGE, and others, as Fairies, with tapers

I don't think the devil wants me to be dammed, in case the

oil inside me sets hell on fire; so he is stopping

my fun on earth.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,

You moonshine revellers and shades of night,

You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,

Attend your office and your quality.

Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.

Fairies, black, grey, green and white,

you dancers in the moonshine and ghosts of night,

you solitary performers of your duties,

attend to your professions.

Crier hobgoblin, make the fairy announcement.

PISTOL

Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.

Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:

Where fires thou find'st unraked and hearths unswept,

There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry:

Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.

Elves, answer the register; quiet, you airy beings.

Cricket, you shall inspect the chimneys of Windsor:

when you find fires unranked and hearths unswept,

pinch the maids until they are blue as bilberries;

our shining Queen hates slack girls and laziness.

FALSTAFF

They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die:

I'll wink and couch: no man their works must eye.

Lies down upon his face

They are fairies; anyone who speaks to them will die:

I'll close my eyes and hide: no man must look on their works.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Where's Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid

That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,

Raise up the organs of her fantasy;

Sleep she as sound as careless infancy:

But those as sleep and think not on their sins,

Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and shins.

Where's Bede? You go, and when you find a girl

who has said her prayers three times before bed,

give her sweet dreams;

she can sleep as soundly as a carefree baby:

but those who go to sleep without thinking of their sins,

pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides and shins.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

About, about;

Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out:

Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room:

That it may stand till the perpetual doom,

In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,

Worthy the owner, and the owner it.

The several chairs of order look you scour

With juice of balm and every precious flower:

Each fair instalment, coat, and several crest,

With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!

And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,

Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring:

The expressure that it bears, green let it be,

More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;

And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' write

In emerald tufts, flowers purple, blue and white;

Let sapphire, pearl and rich embroidery,

Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee:

Fairies use flowers for their charactery.

Away; disperse: but till 'tis one o'clock,

Our dance of custom round about the oak

Of Herne the hunter, let us not forget.

Come on, come on;

search through Windsor Castle, elves, inside and out;

throw good luck, fairies, into every sacred room

so that it can stand until Judgement Day

in as healthy condition as suits its dignity,

deserving the owner, and the owner deserving it;

polish the chairs of the Knights of the Garter

with the juice of every scented flower and tree;

every fair seat, coat of arms, and different crests,

should be blessed, as well as their banners;

and every night, meadow fairies, you should sing,

in a circle like the symbol of the Garter:

let the impression it makes in the grass be green,

more fertile than the rest of the field; and

write, ‘Evil be to him who evil thinks’

in green tufts, purple, blue and white flowers,

like the sapphire, pearl and rich embroidery

that the knight has on his garter:

fairies use flowers as their typeface.

Go to your work; but until it is one o'clock,

don't let us forget our traditional dance

around the oak of Herne the Hunter.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set

And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,

To guide our measure round about the tree.

But, stay; I smell a man of middle-earth.

Now please join hands; put yourselves in order

and our lanterns shall be twenty glowworms,

to lead our dance around the tree.

But wait; I can smell a mortal man.

FALSTAFF

Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he

transform me to a piece of cheese!

God save me from that Welsh fairy, in case he

should change me into a piece of cheese!

PISTOL

Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth.

You vile worm, you were destined for evil from birth.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

With trial-fire touch me his finger-end:

If he be chaste, the flame will back descend

And turn him to no pain; but if he start,

It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.

Let me touch his fingertip with a testing flame:

if he is chaste, the flame will die down

and give him no pain; but if he flinches,

that proves he has a corrupted heart.

PISTOL

A trial, come.

A trial, let's do it.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Come, will this wood take fire?

They burn him with their tapers

Let's see, will this wood catch fire?

FALSTAFF

Oh, Oh, Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!

About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme;

And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.

SONG.

Fie on sinful fantasy!

Fie on lust and luxury!

Lust is but a bloody fire,

Kindled with unchaste desire,

Fed in heart, whose flames aspire

As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.

Pinch him, fairies, mutually;

Pinch him for his villany;

Pinch him, and burn him, and turn him about,

Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out.

During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR CAIUS comes one way, and steals away a boy in green; SLENDER another way, and takes off a boy in white; and FENTON comes and steals away ANN PAGE. A noise of hunting is heard within. All the Fairies run away. FALSTAFF pulls off his buck's head, and rises

Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, and MISTRESS FORD

Corrupt, corrupt, and with filthy desires!

Dance round him fairies; sing a mocking song;

and as you skip, pinch him to the rhythm.

Away with sinful fantasy,

enough of lust and luxury!

Lust is just a fire in the blood,

lit with impure desires,

burning in the heart, whose flames reach,

as they are fanned by thoughts, higher and higher.

All of you fairies pinch him;

pinch him for his villainy;

pinch him, and burn him, and spin him round,

until the candles and the starlight and the moonshine burn out.

PAGE

Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you now.

Will none but Herne the hunter serve your turn?

No, do not run; I think we have trapped you now.

Will only Herne the Hunter do for you?

MISTRESS PAGE

I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.

Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?

See you these, husband? do not these fair yokes

Become the forest better than the town?

Please, come along, don't carry on the joke any further.

Now, good Sir John, what do you think of the wives of Windsor?

Do you see these horns, husband? Don't these lovely things

look better in the forest than in the town?

FORD

Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master Brook,

Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his

horns, Master Brook: and, Master Brook, he hath

enjoyed nothing of Ford's but his buck-basket, his

cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must be

paid to Master Brook; his horses are arrested for

it, Master Brook.

Now, sir, who is a cuckold with horns now? Master Brook,

Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his

horns, Master Brook: and, Master Brook, he has

enjoyed nothing of Ford's except his laundry basket, his

stick, and twenty pounds in cash, which he must