Thank You Notes (11 page)

Thank you

 

… cotton candy, for making my grandmother’s hair look delicious.

Thank you

 

… socks with sandals, for being a look that proudly declares to the world, “The people I’m friends with now are the only people I ever want to be friends with.”

Thank you

 

… mini-fridges, for making me feel like Shaq whenever I go to grab a yogurt.

Thank you

 

… roosters, for being nature’s way of saying, “Wake up, you lazy a-holes.”

Thank you

 

… beach season, for helping us identify the people in our community who are completely incapable of shame.

Thank you

 

… toys that are impossible to remove from their packaging because they’re secured with 36 twisty ties. It shouldn’t be easier to steal a car than it is to remove a toy truck from its packaging.

Thank you

 

… teddy bears, for being way less judgmental than real bears when I try to spoon with you.

Thank you

 

… millipedes, for being approximately ten times more awesome than centipedes.

Thank you

 

… man in Washington who accidentally shot himself in the testicles at the hardware store. “Welcome to Ace Hardware—the bolts are in Aisle 5, the nuts are splattered all over Aisle 7.”

Thank you

 

… graduations, for being a time when we come together and celebrate a bunch of kids who spent four long years getting at least a C–.

Thank you

 

… summer barbecues, for always featuring fun family games like horseshoes, croquet, and “Let’s see how many daiquiris Grandma can drink before she gets racist.”

Thank you

 

… fancy restaurant wine list, for providing me with plenty of notable choices to ignore while I look for the second-least-expensive bottle on the menu.