Thank You Notes (14 page)
Thank you… decaf coffee, for giving me the same stained teeth and stink-breath as regular coffee, with none of the pesky wakefulness and mental clarity.
Thank you… wine cork collection. I know I never got around to making that corkboard—but look how much I drink!
Thank you… fun-size candy, for calling yourself “fun” to distract me from the fact that you’re smaller than regular candy. Nice try. They should call you “disappointment-size candy.”
Thank you… hotel beds, for being so much more comfortable than regular beds… even though 24 hours ago, someone probably did something really disgusting on you.
Thank you… tuna casserole, for being the sweatpants of food.
Thank you… first sheet of a new toilet paper roll that won’t tear off evenly so I have to scratch and claw and shred three layers of the roll just to get the thing started. But that’s cool. I think I’ll have the last laugh, since I know where you’re ending up.
Thank you… symbolism, for being, I don’t know, sort of like a rose.
Thank you… waterbeds, for answering the age-old question, “What would it be like to fall asleep on a giant breast implant?”
Thank you… new pair of corduroys, for making that cool “whooshing” sound when I walk. Nothing signals the start of fall like the sound of people’s fat thighs rubbing together.
Thank you… onion rings, for being my favorite food, until I bite into you and I’m left with a cold, wet onion in my mouth and a tiny deep-fried steering wheel cover in my hand.
Thank you… plastic cutlery, for reminding us all how strong bread can be.
Thank you… women who put on their makeup in front of strangers while commuting to work. It’s like you’re creating a before-and-after photo right before our eyes.
