Thank You Notes (12 page)

Thank you

 

… driver’s license photo, for reminding me that there was at least one moment in my life when I looked exactly like a homeless serial killer.

Thank you

 

… gym that I go to. On the plus side, your treadmills have TVs on them. On the downside, your TVs have treadmills on them.

Thank you

 

… the YMCA, for officially changing your name to “the Y.” I can’t wait to hear the new hit song about you by the Village Person.

Thank you

 

… neighbors with swimming pools who put up signs that say, “We don’t swim in your toilet, don’t pee in our pool!” Pretty clever. But that’s not going to stop me.

Thank you

 

… Lifetime Achievement Awards, for being a nice way of saying, “We think you’re about to die.”

Thank you

 

… 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.

Thank you

 

… guy at a urinal who reaches over to shake my hand with one hand while continuing your business with the other. Life is short, buddy, but it ain’t that short.

Thank you

 

… the term
outstanding debt
, for making it sound like it’s awesome to owe people money.

Thank you

 

… hand sanitizer pumps in public restrooms, for supplying me with 90 percent of the germs I’m trying to kill.

Thank you

 

… alligators, for not being crocodiles—but also for being crocodiles as far as I’m concerned.

Thank you

 

… thesaurus, for bettering my vocabulary. No, “enhancing” my vocabulary. Nay, “aggrandizing” my vocabulary. Yes, “aggrandizing”—that’s the one.

Thank you

 

… friend getting married four thousand miles away, for making me feel bad that I’m not spending three thousand dollars to attend your wedding. I’ll make you a deal: I’ll go, but if you ever get divorced, you have to pay me three thousand dollars.