Thank You Notes (9 page)
Thank you… fake drawer in my kitchen. Even though I’ve lived with you for ten years, you still manage to fake me out. Come on, fake drawer!
Thank you… hangers, for being like floating plastic shoulders.
Thank you… New York, for being the only city in America with enough tall buildings for Spider-Man to do his thing. Could you imagine if Peter Parker was born in Santa Fe, New Mexico? LAAAME!
Thank you… yesterday, for being National Grammar Day. And sorry, Grandma, for the confusion.
Thank you… person I’m walking behind who happens to be going in the exact same direction, for making me feel like I’m following you. And thank you, my decision to joke “I’m not following you,” for somehow not putting that person at ease.
Thank you… receipts from Best Buy, for being unnecessarily long. “Hey, thanks for purchasing season four of
Lost
—here’s an entire rain forest.”
Thank you… ESPN Classic, for being a really exciting channel to watch if you just came out of a coma.
Thank you… the expression “with all due respect,” for letting me know when people are about to say something with zero respect.
Thank you… urinals that inexplicably have ice in them. You know exactly what I’m looking for—a nice pee on the rocks. Next time, can I get a twist of lime in there, too? Maybe a salted rim? Thanks.
Thank you… leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I ain’t afraid of no leaves.
Thank you… glass of water on my table last night at P. F. Chang’s, for rippling when an overweight man walked by. I know you weren’t TRYING to compare him to a dinosaur, but you just couldn’t help yourself, could you?
Thank you… people who insist on showing off ultrasound pictures of your unborn children. Just so you know, all those pictures look exactly the same: like charcoal drawings of an alien. For all you know, doctors just give the exact same picture to everyone and say, “There it is! There’s your fetus!” And no one can ever tell the difference.
