Thank You Notes (10 page)

Thank you

 

… friend who loans me his jacket but doesn’t tell me the pockets are full of used tissues. Snot cool, buddy. Snot cool.

Thank you

 

… bathroom attendant who hands me a towel, for making me feel guilty that I don’t have a dollar to give you. And thank you, Me, for lying and saying that I’ll bring an extra dollar the next time. We both know I’m never coming back to this bathroom.

Thank you

 

… Me from three months ago, who promised to get in shape during the winter. You lying sack of shit. It’s 4:00 p.m.—put down the Cinnabon. (Next winter I swear I will.)

Thank you

 

… restaurants that advertise breakfast all day, for basically saying, “Try getting THIS at a place that isn’t terrible.”

Thank you

 

… people who say, “Wow, you’re really photogenic,” for not saying what you really mean: “Wow, you’re really ugly in person.”

Thank you

 

… softball, for being like baseball for women and drunks.

Thank you

 

… guy who feels it’s totally cool to fart and walk away. Listen, buddy, if you’re going to paint this picture, you’d better be prepared to stare at it for a while.

Thank you

 

… weather and traffic, for being the two things I can always talk about with old people.

Thank you

 

… pens at the ATM, for being attached to the deposit slip table by tiny chains. Don’t flatter yourselves—no one’s gonna steal you, you filthy germ sticks.

Thank you

 

… people who make me take my shoes off when I visit your house. I hope you enjoy your really, really, clean house where everybody feels uncomfortable and everything smells like feet.

Thank you

 

… Brookstone, for always coming up with new and innovative ways to make vibrators for people too embarrassed to buy them at sex stores.

Thank you

 

… Mother’s Day, for being exactly like Father’s Day, except with people actually giving a crap.