Thank You Notes (7 page)

Thank you

 

… little kid who keeps pushing the button on the Dancing Santa Doll at the drugstore. Go ahead and just keep on pushing. I love hearing the electronic version of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” over and over and over. Stop pushing the button for one second so I can tell you a secret: “Santa isn’t real!”

Thank you

 

… to the radiator next to my bed. The noises you make resound in my head. The gurgling, the knocking, the hissing, the clanging. The whistling, chortling, ringing, and banging—they wake me and plague me, such is the norm. But this ancient device keeps me toasty and warm.

Thank you

 

… guy who buys an entire outfit from one store. You clearly saw the mannequin and thought,
That’s the one
.

Thank you

 

… Christmas family newsletters that fill my day with useful information like “Great News: Carolyn got her braces off!” and “Great News: Aaron made the basketball team.” Here’s some news: “Nobody gives a shit!”

Thank you

 

… pizza box, for being impossible to dispose of. Thank you for not fitting inside any trash bag or trash can or trash chute ever built by humans, and thank you for popping open and spilling half-eaten crust on me whenever I try to throw you away.

Thank you

 

… people who give me homemade jam as a gift. What are we, Quakers? Exactly how much jam do you think I use? You know this is going to sit in my fridge for three years until I throw it out to make room for beer, right? Just checking.

Thank you

 

… “Yes, I Agree to the Terms and Conditions” box I have to click in order to install software. You know full well I didn’t actually read the terms and conditions. For all I know, I just agreed to become the new face of herpes. But I’m still gonna click you.

Thank you

 

… first week in January, for being the one week of the year when there are people at my gym who are fatter than I am.

Thank you

 

… New Year’s resolutions, for being like Las Vegas wedding vows: half-assed promises made by drunken idiots.

Thank you

 

… adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.

Thank you

 

… snow angels, for being horizontal jumping jacks.

Thank you

 

… my checked luggage. I hear you enjoyed Puerto Rico this Christmas vacation.