Thank You Notes (8 page)

Thank you

 

… people who show off their high school Spanish when pronouncing their order at a Mexican restaurant. The way you just said “
fajita
” made me feel like I was wandering the rustic streets of Guadalajara. But I’m not. I’m in a Taco Bell and you’re holding up the line, amigo.

Thank you

 

… tai chi, for being the perfect way to defend myself against an army of invisible slow-motion ninjas.

Thank you

 

… sliders, for tricking me into thinking you’re a perfectly appropriate appetizer. Would I like to start my meal with a regular-size hamburger? Of course not! But I WILL have six TINY hamburgers because that’s totally different. Thank you.

Thank you

 

… ponytails, for turning the backs of girls’ heads into horses’ butts.

Thank you

 

… horseradish, for being neither a radish nor of a horse. What you are is a liar food. (I’m looking at you, too, Grape Nuts.)

Thank you

 

… pen I just put in my mouth and started chewing on, for already having bite marks on you to remind me that, Oh yeah, you’re not my pen.

Thank you

 

… box of Valentine’s chocolates, for being like candy land mines. I was hoping for macadamia nut, but I guess I’ll have to settle for this thing that tastes like soup and oranges.

Thank you

 

… lasers, for being spelled with an
s
even though you’d be totally more badass if you were spelled with a
z
. Just sayin’.

Thank you

 

… people with sesquipedalophobia, which is the fear of long words. You picked the wrong thing to call your fear.

Thank you

 

… typewriters. What the hell, man?! You guys were cocky as hell all the way up to the ’80s. “Can’t do business without me! Good luck writing a novel without me around!” Now look at you… Bunch of obsolete sons of bitches sitting around like old metal turds.
Click clack! Click clack!
Yeah, right.

Thank you

 

… certain days when I can see the sun and the moon in the sky at the same time. You make me feel like I’m Luke Skywalker on his home planet of Tatooine, concerned about his aunt and uncle and restless for adventure.

Thank you

 

… sweater vests. You’re a great way to keep warm while telling your arms to go screw themselves.