SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (49 page)

Note: As part of a submissive’s training they should be taught to lick, kiss, and suck anything that is held to their mouth, such as a whip, penis, or nipple. Many submissives know this instinctively.

Note: As part of their training, the submissive should be ordered to recite their rules of speech (and their other rules).

Note: The rules of speech do not apply to calling safewords, although it’s a nice touch if the submissive includes them. On the other hand, not including “Mistress” or “Sir” with the safeword shows that the degree of upset is greater.

Restriction of the personal pronoun “I.”
Some dominants do not allow their submissives to refer to themselves as “I” or to use the words “me” or “my” in speech. They are, instead, required to speak of “your slave,” “this slave,” “slave Bruce,” or simply “slave.” Example: “Mistress, your slave’s left hand is beginning to feel numb, Mistress.” It is also sometimes required that slaves refer to themselves in writing using only the lower case, and that they capitalize all references to their dominant.

These rules of speech often seem cumbersome at first, but they are rather easily learned and come naturally after a while. A submissive who has learned how to speak precisely and correctly reflects well on both themselves and their dominant.

Slave Duties

Historically, the purpose of slaves was to work for their dominants. Slaves were valuable primarily as a source of labor.

Today, slaves continue to work for their dominants. Many people enjoy the submissive role, especially what I call “passive submission,” where all they have to do is lie back and absorb all the “goodies” their dominant gives them. “Active submission,” on the other hand, involves the submissive doing things for or to the dominant. Giving the dominant a massage or performing oral sex on them are examples of active submission.

In an ongoing SM relationship, it is typical for slaves to serve their dominants. This is especially true concerning the more menial tasks of life. Good submissives clean up after a session. They also may cook for their dominant, clean their house, do their laundry, go shopping for them, and otherwise perform the routine tasks of life for their dominants.

A classic ploy used to unmask an insincere submissive (usually a heterosexual male) is, when he says, “Mistress, I’ll do anything you want, Mistress,” to ask him, “Great! Will you wash my windows?” A sincere submissive will live up to his promise. He will also wash your car, and anything else dirty.

Some professional mistresses allow their poorer submissives to perform tasks in exchange for a session. Naturally, the submissive must do quite a bit of work, and do it well, to be rewarded.

I want to take a minute to talk about the special relationship between a submissive and the SM gear used on them. Some dominants don’t like the submissives to touch the gear. Others want the submissives involved with its care and maintenance. For example, the dominant and the submissive could go shopping together for the rope and other equipment that will be used on the submissive. (I’ve done this myself a few times, and these excursions can be both great fun and highly memorable.)

Afterward, the submissive could then take the rope home, wash it, cut it, mark it, and whip-stitch the ends, then present the finished rope to the dominant.

Sometimes the dominant and submissive work together to set up and install the equipment. I have even been to “eyebolt installation parties.”

I also believe it’s a good idea for the submissive to be assigned the duty of repacking the gear and straightening the room after a session. (This, by the way, seems to best be done as soon as reasonable right after the session, while the erotic energy still lingers. Clean-up done “the morning after” can often be a cold and dreary duty.) They should also be in charge of properly cleaning the toys.

In general, I regard the care, maintenance, and storage of the SM gear as the submissive’s duty and the dominant’s responsibility.

When my dad died, I found bondage photos in with his stuff, and I felt really sad that he’d had to keep that side of him hidden all his life.

Serving.
When ordered to fetch something, a submissive may bring it to their dominant, drop to their knees, kiss the object, and gracefully hold it out to the dominant. The submissive will keep it held out until the dominant takes it. This may not be for a little while.

Punishment

The question obviously arises of what the dominant should do when the submissive does something displeasing.

First, the submissive should understand that there is only one fundamental offense: displeasing the dominant. The submissive is there to please the dominant. Failing to do so, or, worse, actively displeasing the dominant, is grounds for punishment.

Second, the submissive should understand that the dominant is the sole judge as to whether or not the submissive has been pleasing or displeasing. There is no appeal.

In considering punishment for being displeasing, the dominant should closely consider the issue of
intent.
In general, a good-faith error on the submissive’s part should be dealt with relatively lightly. Intentional misconduct, on the other hand, is
much
more serious.

Remember this key point of training: a dominant should absolutely never punish, discipline, or in any way reprimand a submissive for raising a safety issue in good faith. This would include calling a safeword. On the contrary, they should always praise and otherwise reinforce this behavior.

About the punishment itself, there are several considerations. First and most important, I firmly believe that a dominant should
never
slap, spank, paddle, bind, confine, or otherwise perform any common SM act on a submissive as punishment. We are trying to create positive, erotic connections with these activities. Let’s reserve them for that area of the relationship alone, and not cloud the connections. I also firmly believe that a dominant should
never slap,
punch, kick, or otherwise touch a submissive in anger.

Mistress, I wasn’t asking if I could urinate, I was asking if I could go to the bathroom to do it.

When a submissive acts in a displeasing way, the first thing the dominant should do is immediately stop what’s going on. They might then ask the submissive, “What was your error?” The submissive should then consider the matter until they discover their error. It is important for the submissive’s training that they discover their error on their own. The dominant should not point it out to the submissive unless they fail to see it for themselves.

Once they know their mistake, they should apologize for it in terms as specific as possible. For example, they might fall to the “kneel forward” position and say, “Mistress, I’m sorry that I accidentally spilled a few drops of coffee on your boots, Mistress.”

The matter of how to punish a submissive or masochist is somewhat tricky. Punishment often involves pain, and many of these people enjoy pain. Indeed, some manipulative masochists deliberately provoke their dominants so they can be “punished.” So, again, I strongly recommend that a dominant
never
use pain as a punishment.

Keep in mind that learning they have failed to please their dominant is the only punishment a good submissive is likely ever to need. All that is necessary is to point out how to please, and the submissive will self-correct. Further action is usually not necessary.

In general, the punishment of choice is
withdrawal
. For a very minor offense, the submissive might be told to do something on the order of “go stand in the corner.” For a greater offense, they should be told to put their clothes on and leave. Another form of punishment is to remove their bondage or their collar. Do not call them names or yell insults. Do not throw things. Leave.

For a serious offense, the dominant should call “red,” get dressed, and either leave the house or order the submissive to leave, for exactly one hour. (This is highly similar to the “time out” taught in domestic violence prevention programs.) If the dominant is leaving, they should tell the submissive that they will return in exactly one hour and that the two of them can discuss what happened then.

Then leave.

Perhaps
it is all right for the dominant to physically punish the submissive for misconduct if the
submissive
raises the issue (and does so entirely on their own). Some submissives need punishment as part of the healing process (and others absolutely do
not).

I love you, Master.

The submissive may later be given the chance to atone for displeasing the dominant by performing an atonement task. I suggest that the task cause at least three times as much pleasure as the offense caused displeasure. It is important that the submissive
personally
perform this atonement task. For example, it would be acceptable for the submissive to fix and serve the dominant a meal, but it would
not
be acceptable for the submissive to pay for a meal, even a very expensive one, in a restaurant — particularly if the submissive is wealthy. The submissive personally committed the offense; the submissive must personally perform the atonement task.

Any physical items that were damaged or broken by the submissive should be repaired or replaced. Again, it is not enough to offer money — particularly if the submissive is wealthy. The submissive should personally go to the trouble of replacing the items, plus perform service.

Good atonement tasks often include menial, physical chores such as cleaning the bathroom, doing the shopping, or washing the car. If the submissive already does these things, some similar task must be found. Naturally, this task must be done excellently.

After the task is completed to the dominant’s satisfaction, the submissive should present themselves, perhaps on their knees, to their dominant and ask for forgiveness. If the dominant honestly feels forgiveness in their heart, they should forgive the submissive.

A dominant unwilling or unable to forgive should not assign an atonement task.

Should the dominant ever apologize to the submissive? Absolutely, yes. While the dominant has the right, under carefully agreed-upon conditions, to expect the submissive to endure pain and hardship, the dominant has no right to expect the submissive to accept unduly harsh or abusive treatment.

Dominants are human beings, and they have a human being’s complete share of faults. If a dominant messes up, I believe they should immediately and openly admit this. They should offer the same amount of atonement they would expect from a submissive.

In conclusion, I want to say that both parties should try to resolve disputes and preserve the relationship. Summary ending of a relationship can be devastating. We are becoming more sensitive to the issues of physical abuse and verbal abuse. We must now become aware of another form — something that might be called
abandonment abuse.
Permanently ending a relationship, particularly without warning and/or explanation, can traumatize a submissive (or a dominant) for a very long time.

SM Relationships

In our rapidly shifting culture, we are seeing an increasing desire among freely consenting adults for new forms of committed relationships. We see it in the struggle for same-sex marriage. We see it in the growing desire for multiple-partner relationships. And, more to the point of this book, we are seeing an increasing desire for relationships based in SM dynamics.

The prevailing trend over the last several decades has been toward establishing equality between partners within committed relationships. What we are now seeing, to the shock of many, are increasing numbers of adults who have already established their equality, and who are choosing without apparent coercion or duress to enter into or restructure relationships to include a consensual
inequality
of power. These are usually called either master/slave or mistress/slave relationships. Relationships styled after parent-child roles — daddy/boy and the like — are also common, particularly among gay men and lesbians.

I hate it when my collar is taken off.

This is a profound act of social pioneering. After all, equality has been held as the gold standard for relationships for so long that it’s all but inconceivable to many people that a relationship which recognizes another standard could be healthy, stable, and happy for all concerned. And yet, there seems to be a large and growing number of couples in this country who are in consensually unequal SM relationships.

This inequality may take various forms, and be subject to various limits. It may be an erotic power transfer only; it may involve day-to-day decisionmaking; it may require that one partner commit to serving the other one’s needs on an ongoing basis; it may even involve one partner taking full responsibility for handling the couple’s money and similar “real-world” interactions. Couples who seek SM relationships are exploring these options, and more.

Thus we see the emergence of a third type of primary partner. not only the boyfriend or the husband, but also the master or the slave; not only the girlfriend or the wife, but also the mistress or the slave. At this time, our society has absolutely no mechanism to recognize these relationships or to give them legal standing. Many people think that society should
not
give these relationships recognition or standing; indeed, they feel that such relationships should be vigorously opposed. Somewhat astonishingly, a growing number of apparently mentally healthy, stable adults are beginning to believe otherwise, and they are acting on these beliefs. Whatever are we going to do?

That two autonomous, equal adults could responsibly choose to enter into an ongoing, unequal relationship raises many highly valid questions. In particular, the questions of how to protect the submissive partner against abuse, exploitation, or abandonment by the dominant partner are very real and very far from being completely answered. A large amount of experimentation is under way in this area; couples are discovering what does and doesn’t work for them, and sharing their results with interested, supportive others.