SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (44 page)

For the dominant, there is a dangerous double edge to humiliation play. First, a dominant must carefully choose the circumstances under which they administer humiliation. Consider the relatively “minor” humiliation of ordering your submissive to kneel by your chair as you sit in it. They might feel delighted to do so if the two of you are at home in private. They would probably be a bit embarrassed (mildly humiliated), but still willing to, at an SM event - especially if other submissives were already on their knees beside their dominants’ chairs. They would probably feel terribly humiliated at being told to do so at a gathering of “straight” people. If you were to order them to kneel to you in the presence of their family, they might well refuse. They might even end the relationship over it.

Please piss in my mouth.

Consider what their straight friends or family members would think of you in such a situation. Remember this well: it can be humiliating to be revealed as someone who enjoys humiliating others.

The other major danger for the dominant to keep in mind regarding humiliation scenes is their potential for violence. To be humiliated can be an intensely emotionally painful experience. Humiliation involves some of the most sensitive parts of a person’s self-esteem. If you hurt this too intensely, they may attack.

Professional dominants are well aware of this potential for violence. When a man comes to them and says that he wants to be humiliated, they negotiate with him much more carefully and at greater length than they do with their other clients. They know that a humiliation client is much more likely than other submissive males to “turn” on them. Many professional dominants do not do humiliation scenes at all, and make a point of telling their customers that.

One important aspect of humiliation is the number of people involved. A submissive woman may delight in sucking her master’s cock in private, yet feel terribly embarrassed about doing so at an SM party, where other people will watch her. People who want to intensify the humiliation try to increase the number of people watching.

The type of people watching is also important. This seems to apply especially to heterosexual, submissive men. Many such men are comfortable acting submissive to a woman if they are in private. Fewer are comfortable if anyone else is present, but not too uncomfortable if it’s another woman, particularly a dominant woman. Some submissive men are comfortable in a group if all the women are dominant and all the men are submissive. Finally, some submissive men feel extremely uncomfortable, sometimes to the point of refusal, in acting submissive if vanilla men or, especially, dominant men, are present.

Many men find it difficult to have an erection if other men are present.

Many people feel embarrassed about urinating or defecating if somebody else is watching.

One caution: Novice dominants often feel that humiliation is mainly verbal. They feel that they should say insulting things to the submissive - the more personal, the better. This type of activity is commonly known as “verbal abuse.” (I’m unhappy with that term, but it’s firmly established by common usage.)

Be very careful with this. Verbal abuse can be terribly hurtful and destructive. It burns out and turns off many submissives. For example, very few women, even drop-dead-beautiful women, truly feel secure regarding their attractiveness. Insulting comments regarding their looks can therefore really hurt, sometimes to the point of ending the session. Furthermore, “endearing” terms such as “bitch,” “cunt,” “whore,” “slut,” and so forth may wound, particularly if not specifically negotiated in advance.

Insulting comments about someone’s race, religion, physical appearance, sexual orientation, deformities, I.Q., earning ability, and so forth may go deeper than intended. Many men are unsure about the size, attractiveness, and ability of their cocks. Many women are unsure about their breasts.

On the other hand, some people are deeply, intensely aroused by exactly those types of verbal abuse. It gets them hot as nothing else can. Occasional references are heard about “the sweet shame” that may result.

Humiliation is often very difficult for many submissives, even intensely devoted ones, to accept. It can be harder to accept humiliation than pain, fear, or disgust. An intense whipping, or prolonged bondage, may be much more bearable. Therefore, if a submissive is willing to stretch their limits to accept a difficult humiliation, a wise dominant will let their submissive know that they are pleased and impressed by what they did.

Dominant/Submissive Interactions

On Being a Dominant

Courtesy. The best dominants I know are scrupulously clean in their dealings with others. Their ethics rival those of the best attorneys and physicians. For example, they are polite, friendly, and open when dealing with other dominants. (Please forgive the cliche, but some of my best friends are dominant women.) Also, they never try to dominate and, especially, never touch another person’s submissive without first getting both people’s consent. Finally, in much the same way as a surgeon describing an operation to a patient, they carefully describe the general features of a proposed session to a new submissive - giving that submissive ample opportunity to back out. Consent is not enough for the best dominants. They want informed consent.

May I kneel at your feet?

Good dominants are noted for being open and friendly. They freely share their knowledge and skills with appropriate others. They are often helpful in organizing events and frequently serve as officers in SM clubs. Furthermore, they are not hostile to dominants of different sexual preferences. For example, many dominant gay men readily share their knowledge with dominant heterosexual women. Dominant lesbians share secrets with dominant heterosexual men. These people all recognize their own, and others’, value and worth. They are not so silly as to consider their own orientation superior.

Poor-quality dominants, on the other hand, cause irritation everywhere they go. They try to dominate other dominants, cop an attitude toward strangers and non-scene people, and otherwise try to get into a one-up position. A novice submissive woman I know suddenly realized about an acquaintance, “He’s not a dominant - he’s a rude asshole.” Furthermore, poor-quality dominants often regard submissives with disdain. They may try to give orders to, or attempt to touch (perhaps even whip), someone who has not previously agreed to submit. They may demand submissive behavior before negotiations, or even personal acquaintance, have been completed. These behaviors can provoke a strongly negative reaction, up to and including a fist in the face.

Poor-quality dominants are predatory with submissives. They attempt to dominate as many people as possible. These widely despised creatures cause anger and resentment everywhere they go and are held in contempt. They usually don’t last long in the SM community.

Many of the best dominants do not appear at all dominant when you meet them in the “vanilla” world. Except for perhaps a certain unwillingness to obey a direct order as quickly as others obey it, and a lack of anxiety about making direct eye contact, they appear fairly normal. They are often among the friendliest of people. (Many heterosexual, dominant men in the SM community are notorious punsters.)

I haven got a dominant bone in my body.

On Being a Submissive

Again, courtesy. As a submissive, you are asking your dominant for a great deal of time, thought, and attention. Dominating someone is a
lot of work.
Be considerate. For example, while you obviously have needs, you should devote yourself to pleasing your dominant as best you can.

One way in which you can help your dominant is by being honest up front about what kinds of play interest you. If you are a masochist, with little or no interest in performing personal service, you may annoy and frustrate a dominant who expects to be served. Similarly, some submissives are interested in providing sexual service only. Others provide limited services such as domestic or office help, and some genuinely wish to serve their dominant in any way they can. Honesty about your needs and desires, to the extent that you currently know and understand them, will serve you well here. While the dominant is not obligated to ask you to do only those things that suit you, and while you should offer as many options to your dominant as you reasonably can - after all, the more ways you can make your dominant’s life pleasant, the more useful you are as a submissive - you should diplomatically be as clear as you can about your limits: a frustrated and resentful submissive is no fun for any dominant.

While local customs vary, the following behaviors by a submissive are often looked at with less than total approval.

Pushy bottoms.
First, avoid being a “pushy bottom.” Don’t approach a dominant and, uninvited, drop to your knees at their feet. This turns many dominants off. (It’s a pet peeve of many heterosexual, dominant women regarding submissive men.) Furthermore, you may see that - in its own way- this is a nonconsensual act. A certain amount of subtle, low-key flirting is usually tolerated, but don’t appoach another submissive’s dominant and come on to them by kneeling or otherwise acting conspicuously submissive without that dominant’s prior approval. Doing so may cause their submissive to want to have words (or worse) with you. Don’t push.

SAMs.
Second, avoid being a “SAM” (a smart-assed masochist). SAMs deliberately “misbehave” to provoke dominants into “punishing them.” This can be fun within the context of a negotiated scene, but is frowned upon when engaged in nonconsensually or outside scene space. Such SAMs can be regarded as too weak to ask for what they want in an honest manner.

Some SAMs provoke real anger. This involves deliberately emotionally (sometimes even physically) hurting the dominant in order to get the desired response. Such behavior is unethical, manipulative, and stinks of nonconsensuality.

Provoking a dominant can be a genuinely bad idea. Domination, like surgery or flying an aircraft, is a highly refined skill that takes years to learn. Good dominants exercise their art, craft, and skill in a highly controlled, thoughtful manner. Deliberately disturbing their emotional balance is dangerous. Furthermore, many dominants, because they know the power they hold and its accompanying responsibilities, are slow to display anger. Yet they are fully human; when you injure them, they hurt. If things go too far the dominant, like anyone else, can erupt. An enraged, out-of-control dominant is a terrifying thing.

Dominants who are provoked to the point of losing control may feel terribly remorseful and shaken afterward. Their confidence may take months or even years to return, or may never.

Don’t get seriously “SAMmy” with a dominant unless you know they can deal with that. Under the right circumstances, playing SAM can be wonderful fun. Under the wrong circumstances, it can provoke disaster.

Resistance.
A third type of submissive behavior you should avoid until you get to know your dominant very well is resistance, especially physical resistance. Resistance on a submissive’s part, particularly if the dominant doesn’t know them well, can be very difficult to interpret.

For example, I was once playing late at night at a friend’s house with a lady I had met at a party earlier in the evening. She was a novice but had several friends that she knew were into SM and so was at least somewhat familiar with what it involved. I had, of course, assigned her a safeword and she had agreed to use it. Our play seemed to be proceeding nicely for both of us, when she suddenly began to struggle and attempt to escape. She then, even though partially bound, kicked me hard in the face!

I didn’t hit her back (I confess that I felt tempted), and I was able to pin her down on the bed without much difficulty. And so I thus found myself restraining this struggling lady, who I barely knew, and wondering what the hell to do next.

I certainly felt confused. She hadn’t called her safeword, and some submissives are into “resisting” so they can be “overpowered.” It’s certainly not rare for a submissive lady to want to “lose a wrestling match” with a dominant man. Was that going on here?

Part of me felt like continuing, but she was glaring at me with fury - and yet her friends were in the next room and she wasn’t yelling for them. What in the world was going on? Was this still play or had this become real for her?

As a Jominant, I have to control myself
much more.
strictly than I control my submissive.

I asked her if she wanted to be untied and she snarled back, “You’re goddamn right!” Having heard that, I immediately untied her and ended the session.

In this situation, I decided to err on the side of caution. While, technically, I perhaps could have continued - she had, after all, not called her safeword - I suspected (correctly) that this woman has become so enraged that all thought of abiding by her agreement to use a safeword had simply flown from her mind. She just wanted the session ended, and right now. If I had continued the session under those circumstances, I might have been guilty of sexual assault. (I might also have gotten myself killed.)

When I’m in the dominant role, I tell my submissives, especially new submissives, that I will let any physical resistance on their part will immediately succeed. I will also regard it as a “strong yellow” and quite possibly as grounds for immediately ending the session. Because some submissives like to be “forced,” this policy sometimes spoils a session, and has cost me the occasional play partner, but it’s the safest course. Trying to overcome real resistance (even if you can do so easily) in the mistaken belief that it’s “play” resistance can lead to disaster. Physical resistance
must
be carefully negotiated in advance. If you, as a dominant, are in any (repeat, any) doubt, back off at once.

Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, in “The Bottoming Book: Or, How To Get Terrible Things Done To You By Wonderful People,” set forth some guidelines for resistance play and other challenging playstyles which I think are excellent. If you want to explore this playstyle, I strongly recommend that you take a look at them.