SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (45 page)

Topping from below.
A fourth type of behavior you should avoid is called “topping from below.” This refers to the submissive trying to control the session while it is in progress by making excessive requests, suggestions, and complaints - especially if these have nothing to do with either person’s welfare or safety. This is different from making suggestions and requests to the dominant, yet genuinely leaving it for them to decide. It’s also different from asking for particular activities (or ruling out particular activities) during pre-scene negotiations.

Topping from below is frowned upon. Let them make as many decisions as you reasonably can; the submissive is there to please the dominant, not the reverse.

One note: Some people identify as “submissive sadists,” who enjoy serving their partner by giving them exactly the kind of pain they want, or as “dominant masochists,” who enjoy receiving exactly, and only, the kind of pain they like. This is a different matter, and can work well as long as both people agree ahead of time that this is the kind of scene they want to do.

Do you understand that being my slave will involve a
significant
amount of suffering?

One ethical use of topping from below is the experienced submissive respectfully making suggestions to a novice dominant. I have done this several times with novice dominant ladies, and our sessions have usually gone well. Many beginners don’t have a clue about how to dominate another person in a mutually erotic way, so suggestions to the effect of would you spank me/put clamps on my nipples/have me kiss your feet are often gratefully welcomed by the inexperienced dominant. If done in a respectful, considerate manner, this is a highly valid act of service on the submissive’s part. (Be prepared for the moment when your trainee reaches “critical mass”: when they smile and say “OK, thanks, I get it. Now we’re going to do what
I
want.
^»
From that moment on, you’re no longer alone with an obedient student - you’ re alone with a dominant.)

Novice dominants often feel terribly insecure. Being “trained” by their more experienced submissive, in a manner somewhat similar to the time-honored tradition of the experienced platoon sergeant training the new lieutenant, is a wonderful service on the submissive’s part. Such dominants often go on to become outstanding. They build on their early training in ways that make their submissive proud. On the other hand, novice dominants who are abused by their submissives may never begin to reach their potential, or may even leave the SM world entirely. A stupid, tragic waste.

As a submissive, your basic job is to yield as much control as you reasonably can. Unethically retaining unnecessary control cheats both of you.

A final thought about inappropriate submissive behavior. Some dominants
like
pushy bottoms, SAMs, resisters, and/or “submissives” who try to top from below. These dominants enjoy the vying for power, the psychological (and sometimes physical) struggle for supremacy. Banter between a SAM and a dominant can be delightful, and sometimes terribly funny, to watch or participate in. Putting a pushy bottom in their place or “over-meeting” their desires can bring dark satisfaction. But in these cases the dominant must pay closer attention than they ordinarily would. Unlike the clearer, more “classic” SM, where the lines of authority are agreed upon, this no-man’s-land of power play is murkier and harder to follow. The chances of having a disastrous misunderstanding are
much
greater. Be careful.

Nowadays, a woman is free to want anything except to sometimes give up her freedom.

So what
should
you do? Having just gone on at length about characteristics of a bad submissive, it behooves me to talk a bit about a few things you can do to make yourself a good submissive.

Basically, anything you can do that helps you make your dominant’s life easier, more pleasant, or more arousing will increase your value as a submissive. I often recommend to submissives that they consider taking massage classes: dominants often feel depleted and burned out from having to be responsible and in control all the time, and massage is a wonderful way that they can accept nurturing sensations without breaking role.

A second thought is that you might want to consider yoga classes. The relaxation and breathing taught in yoga are very helpful in processing pain (in fact, many of the techniques taught in pain management classes like Lamaze are derived from yoga). Also, the flexibility and strength you’ll acquire from yoga will stand you in good stead when it comes to taking and maintaining positions for bondage and/or sex.

Beginning and Ending a Session

It helps to have a formal set of signals to go into and out of role. This is particularly useful when two people first start to play together. Their SM energy may “blend in” to the rest of their relationship as they get to know each other, but formal “now we’re in role; now we’re out of role” signals help keep things clear at first.

One example of how to do this (there are many others) is as follows: The dominant looks at the submissive and asks, “Are you ready to go into role?” If the submissive replies, “yes,” the dominant may then say, “Go into role.” The submissive and the dominant then look into each other’s eyes while they assume their roles. When the submissive feels their role “wash over them,” they lower their eyes — perhaps then saying, “Hello, Mistress.”

To end the session, the process is somewhat reversed. The dominant asks the submissive, “Are you ready to come out of role?” If the submissive replies that they are, the dominant then tells them, “come out of role.” The submissive then remains still until they feel the role pass away from them. (This, by the way, is often a time of quiet sadness for the submissive.) After the submissive has felt their role leave them, they raise their eyes and meet their former dominant’s gaze. While, strictly speaking, not required, it is nonetheless good form for the submissive to say one final “Thank you, Mistress,” or something similar.

Note: The period immediately after the session should be a time of intimacy and tenderness for both people. The submissive, especially, should understand that the dominant may feel a bit drained and depressed. (This is known as “top drop.”) The dominant has, after all, broken taboos by administering a whipping or by doing similar things. The submissive should therefore try to express their gratitude and appreciation for the good things they were given (and to be skillfully erotically dominated is to receive a gift; make no mistake about it). Even if they don’t say it, or even feel it themselves, the dominant is likely to need some reassurance and support. Submissives, express what appreciation you honestly can to your dominant.

I don’t want to be a slave. I want to be
your
slave.

Beginning a Submissive’s Training

Submissives need and benefit from training. There are prerequisites. First, the submissive must offer or consent to obey the dominant. Second, the dominant and the submissive must agree about when the submissive is compelled to, and when they are not compelled to, obey. This is usually done by establishing a clear beginning signal and a clear ending signal for the session. Once these matters are agreed upon, training may begin.

Negotiate such matters as limits, safewords, marks, subjects the submissive may be curious about, things they definitely don’t want, and so forth well before the session begins. While a novice dominant may feel tempted to take as much control as possible as quickly as possible, a wise, experienced dominant knows that it’s better to negotiate with a potential submissive while the two are still equals and not in role. They know that the submissive may not agree to as much when negotiations are conducted in this way, but the submissive
will
be more likely to honor what they did agree to, more likely to feel good about doing that, and more likely to go further next time. A wise dominant keeps “next time” in mind.

The basic nature of training is that the submissive will obey the dominant’s direct orders. Such orders are commonly in the form of commands such as “kneel,” “put your hands behind your back,” “kiss my feet,” and so forth. More detailed instruction is worked out as the training proceeds.

Don’t call me ‘Mistress’! You haven’t yet earned the privilege of calling me ‘Mistress.’

Training can be an exceptionally intense process, often deeply affecting the minds and hearts of both trainer and trainee. Even if enjoyable, too much intensity at any one time is disorienting and threatening. This may scare off even an eager submissive (or dominant). For this reason, I recommend that training be conducted in relatively short sessions, usually lasting no more than an hour or two at a time, and that only a small amount of new material be introduced in each training session. I also recommend that the dominant let a day elapse between training sessions, thus giving the submissive (and the dominant) more time to adjust to and accept the emotional effects of training. It also allows the submissive time to review, practice, and integrate the new material before they learn more.

As to the details of how you would train a submissive, that is something best worked out by time and experience. Training is about controlling the submissive. Therefore, consider what aspects of them you wish to control. A few that come immediately to mind are how they move, what positions they assume when not moving, what they say, what they wear, how they groom themselves, where they direct their vision, and howyou want them to address you. One benefit from reading the works of fiction and nonfiction referred to at the end of this book is that you can learn how some others have thought about slave training. To a certain extent, such reading can save you from having to “reinvent the wheel.”

One tip: Give your submissive complete, detailed orders. Many are quite willing to obey, but you need to make exactly what you want clear to them. Consider which command is better. “Lie down on the bed” or “Lie down face-up on the bed with your head towards its headboard and your wrists and ankles stretched towards the bedposts.” It is, shall we say, poor form to chide or punish a submissive for failing to obey an unclear order completely.

I might begin their training by ordering them, while they are still dressed, to stand still in front of me. (At this stage, I usually preface my commands with the phrase, “I want you to...”) I might say something like, “I want you to come over here and stand in front of me. Stand with your feet together and your hands at your sides. Make yourself as completely physically and mentally still as you can. You are not to speak or move except as I direct. Do you understand?”

When they respond that they do understand, I tell them that from now on, while they are in role, the last word out of their mouth when they speak to me is “Jay.” (I use my name when I want to make the gentlest possible start. In a later training session, I may upgrade that to “Sir,” and finally, if things go well during the early training sessions, I will upgrade it yet again to “Master.”) I then ask them if they understand. Hopefully, they answer with, “Yes, Jay.”

I want to be the best slave you ever had.

Training note: When I begin my training, I pay attention to my voice. I keep it firm, calm, and business-like, much as an animal trainer would. In fact, since the publication of the first edition of this book, I’ve had the opportunity to train a dog — not the human kind, the canine kind. Janet and I took her to obedience classes, and I noticed many similarities between that process and the one I’m describing here. In particular, the effective combination of patience, firmness, praise, and non-abusive discipline seemed very, very familiar to me. (I kidded the trainer that she probably had the best-behaved boyfriend in town.)

I do not shout, use profanity, or insult my submissives. Calm firmness helps establish my authority. It also gives the submissive a sense of self-control on my part that helps them feel safe.

I then tell them that, upon my command, I want them to strip completely, to put their stuff on the floor in the corner, and then return to their original position. Depending on how elaborately they are dressed, I tell them they have one or two minutes to accomplish this. If they take longer, they will be punished by receiving one whip stroke for every second that they are late. I then let them see that I have a watch or other timepiece.

Safety note: I especially have the submissive remove anything that might interfere with their being bound or might be a safety hazard. Examples include wristwatches, bracelets, large rings, necklaces, and dangling earrings.

Then I give the order “strip!” I usually use that somewhat harsh term as opposed to the more genteel “disrobe” or some similar term. I want them to know that they are now under my authority.

When the submissive has returned from their usually-somewhat-frantic disrobing, I order them to kneel at my feet. I then tell them to keep their gaze slightly lowered and to the front unless they have reason to look elsewhere. They are not to look directly at my face unless I tell them, “Look at me.”

At this point their clothing state, movements, speech, and gaze are under my control. This is a good beginning.

Note: Remember that a naked submissive (and a naked dominant) will feel uncomfortable unless the room is agreeably warm. Chilliness makes establishing a relaxed, erotic mood almost impossible. Keep the training area warm.

The Four Basic Duties of a Submissive

To submit is to yield control. The basic, fundamental duty of an ethical submissive is to yield as much control as possible over what happens during the session to their dominant.

This willing giving of power on the submissive’s part, and its willing acceptance on the dominant’s part, is the magic, catalytic essence of SM, and all else flows from it.